CBB Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I made this a question because I don't feel ready yet. 2 Years ago today my life imploded. I was up at 1:17 A.m when my wonderful, loving husband took his last breath as I held him close to me. I feel like it was a lifetime and at other times it was yesterday. My life , as I knew it, ended in that moment. The old me died too. Life hasn't been easy. Abandoned by many, ignored and dismissed by "family". All those changes fly at you when you become widowed. Your sense of self becomes distorted. Who am I without him? No longer a wife, a beloved confidant, a lover, a friend. I miss my person. Life got really "real" on that day. To tell the truth, I didn't think I would make it in those early days. The brain fog, the searing pain in the depths of your soul. It was all gut wrenching and could drop me to my knees. In those early days after he died, it was hard to remember many things. I couldn't remember things we did, adventures we took, or his mannerisms. My brain had blocked it all out. They tell me it does this because remembering it makes it too difficult but it will return. How true that statement is. It is starting to return..very slowly, but I see improvement. I can now remember him and fondly smile and sometimes even laugh at a thought of him. I never thought I would or could do that again. The gut wrenching pain is now an ache and there is still a huge hole where he once was and will always reside. I still am sad but am not curled in the fetal position, sobbing all day and night. I still cry. This morning at 1:17 A.M. I laid in bed and remembered him. I still shed tears. This may never change, but I am okay with that too. They say you go through stages of grief. Shock and disbelief, bargaining, sadness, anger, acceptance and many others I may have missed. You may skip around or revisit any of these stages and different times. It's different for everyone. No time frame and definitely not linear. It's work and exhausting. There is no prize at the end. No big celebration. No diploma, no reward. But I have found , after 2 years, you learn to keep moving forward. I am not sure I am ready to move to beyond active grieving but I know I must keep moving forward no matter how hard I kick and scream, Life keeps moving forward, and so must I. To my dear, sweet, loving husband, wherever you are, I will carry you with me wherever I go in my heart and soul forever. I remember today. Hugs everyone, Cyndi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 So well said Cyndi. Sounds like you wrote about my life. Big hugs to you on your sadiversary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 There is no time line. I didnt move into BAG for years. 1+ is a good place. Concentrate on the +. ((Hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Well said and beautifully written. So much of what you said rings true for me, as well. I, too, have been mulling over the question of when I feel I shall be ready to make that leap and move to this section. When you commented on still crying, but being okay with that, and on how life keeps moving forward, it was like you had reached into my head and pulled out my very thoughts. Thank you for expressing so much of what I been feeling so eloquently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I don't feel anywhere BAG at all. Not going there yet. Would love to but just not ready. Oh fuck I just want this pain to end but I'm just not ready and I can't speed it up. I don't want to bury it either so I'm just going to go through it. I can't imagine carrying it and drag me down much more than it has, so I will go through no matter how long it takes. I've always been one to resist change so this is a tough one for me but I think as I get older my resistance to change has reduced. This one is too huge to try to get around. Just hope I can open my heart again. Don't know about that right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Cyndi, your post touched me deeply. I feel the same way, I've hit 2 years, but I'm not ready to be in the category of BAG. I don't know if I'll ever get there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viva Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 It has been almost one year and 4 months now, there was a moment I thought I was getting better. However the sadness and the feeling of missing him is suddenly getting stronger for the past few weeks and I could not control my tears and just cry on a bus. I guess there is still a long way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. If this is what I can look forward to for the rest of this miserable existence, I guess I'll be stuck here till I finally get to die. BAG? I don't see that in my future. So, selfishly, I think you should be able to stay here as long as you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Moving beyond is a combination of things but active choice is one of them, imo. When you start questioning, it's a sign, again imo, that it's probably time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Very well said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kamcho Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I'm not there yet, or maybe I am. I don't know. I wish you the best of peace and happiness, lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beyondlife Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 You just post where you are most comfortable on any given day. I don't think these are labels, just suggestions to help us avoid areas we do not want to venture to. If I were newly widowed I wouldn't want to hear about how it gets better, yet as a BAG, I can't go the Newly Widowed, it brings back a pain I don't want to remember or ever feel again. If today you feel BAG and tomorrow you don't - then post where your feelings direct you. There is no time line to this grieving thing. Your grief, your journey, your choice. We, alone, get to decide when it's time to "move forward" I no longer use "move forward", I use rebuild" With rebuild the foundation remains - that is my marriage. Some of the old structure remains. Some parts are weaker and some are stronger. Sometimes I go on strike and don't even try to rebuild. Some parts I built too soon or incorrectly and it falls down or has to be torn down and started over. Sorry for the ramble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBB Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Thanks Beyondlife, Some days I am so unsure where I really belong. Stuck in hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 You're not alone there CBB Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kamcho Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 C, you're one of my fave wids. I wish I could unburden some of your heart. Perhaps we are stuck in hell... but hell hath no fury like this couple of sassy betches. Bring it hell, we're going to class this place up and come out the other side. We may be soot stained and reeking of brimstone but I'll be in a gown wearing ridiculous and fabulous Alexander McQueen heels I can miraculously walk in. I'll bring you wardrobe too. What would you like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBB Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 K, You always know the right thing to say. What says love more than a spectacular wardrobe! I am thinking maybe a really cool Vera Wang summer dress and some Jimmy Choo sparkle heels! God knows I love all things sparkly! And I might need some new perfume to cover the brimstone smell Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kamcho Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I'll bring the mimosas... Just no patchouli in your new scent... reminds me of unwashed hippies.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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