Moved her out of my bedroom...

[rifatheroffour]

I have been on a mission to clean and clear my house, my life, whatever you want to call it.  I began about four weeks ago with clearing through the crap life deposited in my garage over the last 10 years.  This made room for me to clear through the other mountain of crap that remodeling left me in a storage container for the last 12 months.  I have now spent the last 18 days clearing through stuff in the house.  Attic space, spare bedroom, upstairs hallway, armoires, boxes in the basement...you get the picture. 

 

Since three days after the funeral her ashes have been set neatly on my dresser with pictures cards etc. We have taken some of those ashes to spread in various places that were important to us and the kids.  Monday night I finally decided how to move the rest of her.  I had started with moving her religious Hindu icons/temple display to a windowed display cabinet in the refinished common area of the basement.  I put some of the ashes into her travel box that we take ashes in when planning to spread them.  I put that and another large portion of her ashes in a large wooden Bombay Co. Memory box she had gotten for me years ago and that is now on the shelf above the temple display.

 

I also had a large hand made wooden music box.  I put the last portion of her ashes in it to put on the mantle in the living room with one of her eagles perched on it...If you didn't know it was there you would not realize what it is.  I think she would appreciate that, she was never one to look for the spotlight.

 

Until late last night no one had commented or noticed. My oldest came into my room last night and immediately asked where the ashes went, so one down three to go.  I had done it after everyone was in bed.  Not sure if the others have been in my room and seen the cleared and redecorated dresser.  And not sure anyone noticed the music box under the eagle that had already been there.

 

I actually accomplished all that without tears...

 

Last night I took down our framed wedding invitation, a needle point that was a wedding present with date etc, some collage frames of us from our wedding etc...so the bedroom is becoming mine not ours.  Why am I doing this I have no bloody idea!  But it just feels ok to do, so I will run with it.

 

Now the hardest part might be clearing the last couple drawers and chests in our room that have yet to be dealt with...they contain momentos, the last few pairs of her underwear(I know, wierd), a neglegie that she wore for some photos when she was hugely pregnant with our daughter, etc etc...ugh!  But good...

[Trying]

I too am cleaning up and it feels good to purge but it's hard too.  I will be moving so that will make it easier to make my bedroom just mine. I love the idea of subtle tributes like the music box. I will have to find some little ways like that to work into my new home.

 

I think that cleaning up our space is a big step to cleaning up our lives in more than just a symbolic way. Every trip to the dump or Good Will feels like I am releasing the anchor that weighs me down.

 

Good luck as you keep at it!

[OSAAT]

Rif4,

It took me 4 and 1/2 years to do that. When I did it, I did not know why either. I just knew it was the right thing and the right time. I cried a lot, but I am glad I did it. I am glad that you are just going with it and doing it.

[Lmsmdm]

I "remodeled" our bedroom at about 1.5 years.....really I just painted it, and moved my under garments from the spare room to "mine".....I got the "big" closet (house built in 1947) so big is relative ha ha....so anything drawer worthy while he was alive went to the other room.

 

It was liberating and emotional all at the same time. ((((Hugs)))) as I know this is a big step. 

[Guest mawidow]

Yep, as was mentioned here, I walked through my new neighborhood to new guy's house yesterday and was struck by, 'where the hell *am* I?'. And when he walked through the door to his own home, I thought, 'and who the hell are you?' Year 3 strikes again.

[Gabzmom]

Sending hugs.  I have slowly changed things.  Still not able to remove his shirts from the closet.  I plan to donate the slacks to a place that offers clothes for free to those of whom are in need of clothes for work, interviewing, etc.  The shirts will evolve to quilts. 

 

The military flag, his ribbons, they are all in the case on the piano.  The boxes of his military things, they are in the garage.  His plaques and awards - they are in the office.  I will keep those for my daughter and mail some to his parents.  I know they will set them aside for my daughter. 

 

The house is changing but it's a slow process.

[hikermom]

(((RIFF)))

 

You have my admiration and have inspired me!

 

This is a huge step and one that I hope is freeing and creates some space for you to imagine new beginnings while retaining that critical part of F. that will always be a central part of you. I know how much you have travelled in the past year. This is yet another milestone in that journey.

 

Now I have my focus for this weekend! 

[rifatheroffour]

Thank you for the responses I don't know what drives me these days but I guess it's better than accomplishing nothing... although today seems harder to motivate myself than usual... oh well onward we all must go.

[ieh21]

Doing things unprompted, at our own pace, that seems the best way to go. This year, when I transitioned to summer clothes, I moved into most of his dresser drawers and left only one drawer for his socks. He bought socks in bulk, normal gym socks, and most of them he never wore. I have to say it's really weird, but the girls and I use them as hankerchiefs. They're soft and absorbent. And it's quite funny to see the youngest (4 years old), run into my room screaming "chaussettes de papa! Chaussettes de papa!" [Daddy's socks!] as she reaches for the bottom drawer with her dripping nose...

 

I'm glad for you it wasn't quite as painful as you may have thought it would be.