Tapioca Tears

[JeanGenie]

I'm having the kitchen redone.  It was something we talked about doing for years but never seemed to get around to it.  So now I'm doing it and today was the day to pack everything up.

 

I did good as I emptied "his" drawer and as I found the "new daddy" mug hidden in the back of a cabinet.  I even tossed some things out...not as much as I should, but some.  All the plastic cups that filled the cabinet above the refrigerator, ash trays, old flashlights that no longer worked, refrigerator magnets.  I couldn't bring myself to toss the key for his truck that I came across even though I've since sold the truck.  I also came across an opened carton of cigarettes.  He had stashed it in the back of a cupboard the day he quit smoking cold turkey.  That was 20+ years ago and he always kept that carton up there and wouldn't allow me to get rid of it.  Maybe it was a reminder of what he accomplished or maybe it was a security blanket.  And how was my opportunity to finally toss it, yet I instead placed it in the box and packed it up.  Maybe when I unpack I'll get rid of it.

 

But I continued to sort, purge, and pack listening to music and making great progress.  Even as I sorted through his many, many spices.  He loved to cook and we had a ton of spices.  I threw out ones that were old or that I would never use.  Sadness came as I pulled fish seasonings out--he loved to fish and cook up his catch for us.  But I continued to moved through it.

 

Until I opened the cabinet that contained a box of tapioca.  I had bought that to make for him.  He loved tapioca and instead of instant, I was going to make him some.  I had bought it just before he ended going into the hospital.  All the memories in that kitchen.  The things I was taking down that he put up.  The things tucked away in the back of a cupboard that were his, were ours.

 

I was doing good, until I came across a stupid, little red box of tapioca...

[Wheelerswife]

It's those little things, isn't it?  I struggle to go through the areas of the house that were primarily used by John.  Hugs, JeanGenie.  Maybe it is beach time again?

 

Maureen

[Bluebird]

I get it. Our local bank is shutting down and we were asked to empty our safe deposit box. I had stored some of my DH's valuables there, including his wallet.

 

As we were emptying the box, I saw his wallet, a wallet he LOVED that we bought together on a visit to NYC, and I see him in my minds eye...placing it in his jacket. It makes my stomach flip.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Gabzmom]

Your words are so touching and bring tears to my eyes.  Peace.

[Mancino]

I hear ya, JG.  I'm smiling through a few tears as I remember my husband's collection of spices and fish seasonings...he was a wonderful cook!    The "tapioca pudding" for me was a jar of sweet pickles.  A jar he bought on one of our last trips to the grocery store before he couldn't go out anymore.  I don't like them, so they never got opened.  I moved them around in the cupboard for over 4 years.  It's crazy, isn't it?  ((Hugs))

[Catnip]

Oh how I understand!

I went grocery shopping for Christmas dinner the night before my husband died. My husband helped carry in the groceries and helped put them away. He had asked for a pumpkin pie for Christmas dessert. I bought a can of pumpkin pie mix that night, and he put it on the top shelf of the cabinet (my husband was 6'5" tall). It sits there to this day - 8 years later.

Peace to you,

~Catnip

[lcoxwell]

I get this. Out of desperation, I went to the grocery store to pick up just a few items today. I've been to the grocery store many times without him, both before and after my Kenneth died. Maybe it was struggling with my own health issues and the fact that I was having to work so hard, just to walk down the aisle, but when I saw the sale sign on cherries, I immediately started crying. My Kenneth loved fresh cherries, and it was one of the last things I ever bought him to eat.

[JeanGenie]

Thank you all for your responses and support.  That's one of the things I love about this board...you can relate and understand when thoughts and actions seem so out of whack.  And just as amazing, it wasn't long before I was back on track, packing things up, like the moment never happened.