Crap - not this again. Still.

[Skitwin]

I have had depression all of my life. When my husband died of alcoholism/cirrhosis at age 42, I understandably spiraled out of control. I was terrible at my job, crying all the time, lonely (part of the whole alcoholism thing), and spent a lot of time thinking about whether to end it. It was bad.

 

Anniversaries are especially bad, and I have one coming up. Paul and I would have been married for 21 years. His 7 year deathiversary comes a little later this summer. I tried to take my antidepressant dose down a notch, and it has not worked out for the best.

 

I have remarried and do not want to burden my new husband with all this crap. He has been unbelievably supportive. But I cannot get the pictures of my first husband throwing up blood, jaundiced in the hospital, calling me asking me to visit him in the hospital on those few hours I had by myself (much guilt there), and wasting away in front of my eyes when there was nothing I could really do.  His family blames me (though I didn't know he was drinking again after his first hospitalization), and hasn't spoken to me since his death. I've been asked to not contact them and am respectful of that. But this guilt...it is with me every. single. minute.

 

It's been 7 years, and though I have times that are good, I cannot seem to escape this hole I am in. Going back to my old meds, but I just needed to unburden my heart somewhere. The psychiatrist I had been seeing also saw us as a couple, and it isn't helping me to go to him because I associate him so much with that time, if that makes sense. Thanks for listening.

[MissingSquish]

Huge hugs skitwin. I understand what you're going through. Squish died as a result of his addiction as well, and I am also not in contact with my in laws. I had similar visions of the super traumatic stuff that happened as a result of my husband's addiction and death and developed PTSD.

 

A few things have helped the PTSD:

1. Antidepressants when I needed them. I've been on and off antidepressants for the last 3 years since Squish's death.

 

2. EMDR therapy. This is very different from the traditonal talk therapy that I had been doing in conjunction with EMDR. I can't recommend it highly enough. EMDR helps me to hone in on the trauma and associated anxiety and allows me to reprocess it.  I generally feel substantially better right after an EMDR session, and continue to feel better for most of the next week.

 

3. Time. Overall, I feel less raw every day that passes. I've got my setbacks, defintely, but I am doing a lot better than even 6 months ago.

 

[ATJ]

 

(((Skitwin)))

 

I sent you a PM!

 

ATJ 

[canadiangirl]

(((Skitwin))) I am so sorry to hear of your troubled heart.  You are not alone in your feelings of guilt, although my DH did not die of addiction.  I hope we can find peace someday. 

[Bluebird]

Dear skitwin,

 

I'm so sorry you are gripped by depression but I hope you will keep fighting for you! As you say, the things you have seen and felt are more than enough of a trigger for depression. Yet, I hope you will persist with therapy and treatment since your life is worth living well. Hugs to you, Bluebird

[Torn]

Dear Skitwit,

  I hope your doing well,I can relate so much to your post.

  I just wanted you to know that another person feels the same and searchs for relief from sad memories & heart wrenching grief and love.