How did you do it?

[jlp]

(Sorry this is in two places -- messed up!)

 

For those of you who did not lose your spouses suddenly, how did you manage to make it through the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death?

 

I'm at 11 months and honestly thought a few weeks ago I was doing better, but this past week has been horrible.  All I can think about is "a year ago (such and such day) he was admitted to the hospital; on this day, he came home; on this day, he was admitted to hospice."  Etc. 

 

I've been working hard to try to line up social activities for the next few weeks, to help keep me distracted and cheered up, but I'm still struggling.  When you're a widow (especially without kids), I might as well have Ebola, for as much as I feel shunned.  Way too much crying going on.

 

So, if any of you have any tips that might help me avoid crawling into bed for the next months, it would be much appreciated.

 

[Trying]

The first year was horrible I have to say.  Tim died only 4 months after his cancer diagnosis and May through September last year I did a lot of reliving the year before.  I think distraction is the best answer although some days I just couldn't avoid it.

 

The good news is that I am now at 2 years from his diagnosis and I am not focusing on when he was sick, it's getting much easier to remember all if the other great years.

 

Big tight hugs to you as you get through this tough month.  Maybe find a picture from a happier summer and look at it when you start dwelling on last year.  Aside from that just remember that this will pass, the pain will become less acute again, you will get through this just like you have gotten through the last 11 months.

[tmppgh2015]

It seems we are a lot alike... I don't have children either and my husband passed away from cancer... Getting through the first of everything was tough for me... But seems getting through the seconds is equally as tough. I seemed to avoid it the 1st year and the 2nd year reality is crashing in on me.... Hugs to you!

[WifeLess]

jlp,

 

Sorry you are going through this. I too never had children. And in the days leading up to my one year point, I also had painful memories of my wife's illness during the months preceding her death. But in the end, I found the anticipation of passing through one year worse than the day itself. I later posted the following to several other members who were having flashbacks as they approached their one year point:

 

Please don't let your sad anniversary re-traumatize you. Those events, no doubt the most tragic of your life, occurred one year ago. As vivid as they may seem in your mind, they are not happening now. Back then there was truly no way you could escape that nightmare, for you were not asleep. All of it was really happening. And you had no choice but to live through those traumatic events, as unreal as they probably seemed.

 

But that was then, one long painful year ago. Now, you need not relive that tragedy. This time, it is as you wished it could have been then, only in your mind. So if you can somehow muster up the will and the strength, you do not have to live through all that again. I know it will not be easy. For I have battled my own demons of the mind and have learned what powerful foes they can be.

 

Please remember that only the date has overtaken you. The name of the month and some numbers. This time, unlike one year ago, cruel fate will not be able to steal your life and your world . . . You have already had those taken from you.

 

--- WifeLess