graduation or not

[imissdow]

My oldest DD was supposed to graduate today.  She isn't going to she failed gym.  I guess I should be happy last year it was algebra2, chem and English.  She can do summer school I opted for another year only they won't let her go full time. She is suppose to go take her one class and then go home.  She doesn't drive she failed the permit test 4 times.  So she is going to the local community college and should graduate next year.  She is extremely unmotivated.  We have been to several therapist and have had her evaluated at the school for learning problems. She tested out as gifted.  The therapist told me there was nothing  wrong with her but they would be happy to keep talking to her.  She has basically no friends, her room looks like a bomb went off , she dresses in odd color combinations and can seem to organize anything.  I finally got a consult with a clinical psychologist in August.  I am beyond frustrated.  She is turning into her Bio-dad. He has been in therapy for years and never seems to make any lasting progress. He works at a fast food place, lives in a halfway house and takes the bus everywhere because he can even take care of a car. I really don't want to see her go down that road. If this doesn't help I'm really at a lost as to what to try next.  I'm really not expecting anyone to have a good answer.  I am just so done.   

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry, imissdow. It must be such a worry on you and hard to understand when the testing doesn't seem to offer answers. Having met your DD briefly, I know she is beautiful, bright, and kind. I'm sorry she's having these struggles.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[rifatheroffour]

I'm sorry... just offering understanding.  My second son, a junior is in danger of failing three classes, English, physics and biology.  He also was evaluated earlier this year for learning/focus issues and turns out to be in the 99th percentile for comprehension so he's not stupid! I have yet to find anything that truly motivates him as well.  I am hoping this summer to try and get through to him.  He tried counseling but should really try again.  I. completely understand the frustration but we can't live their lives for them so we just do the best we can to encourage them.

 

Again no answers for you but I get it.  Hoping the light bulb clicks on for her sake and your sanity eventually.

[Trying]

Unmotivated is the most frustrating to me.  You want them to want more for themselves but you can't threaten or punish motivation into them.

 

Also no answers as I am struggling myself with my oldest, but sending you hugs and support. 

[ieh21]

Here's another perspective: she's young and has a lot of time yet to find out what motivates her. The potential is there, and as long as you nurture it, as long as you offer her different choices, different ideas, she is likely to figure it out. Of course to be watching it unfold isn't easy and it is certainly scary. But tons of people are unmotivated, haven't found themselves, are struggling to be happy and well-adjusted at that age and they don't necessarily all drift forever. Maybe continuing to talk to someone else will help her, even if it doesn't yield immediate, visible results, it'll at least give her a chance to discuss things with someone who isn't you.

 

Good luck, and congratulations to getting her to a point where all she's failing is gym.

[Wheelerswife]

My brilliant, college professor, Arctic climatologist husband was very unmotivated at the end of high school.  He was unfocused, scrambled and aimless.  He lost his driver's license for accidents without insurance and worked miserable jobs, including joining a carnival as a carnie.  At about age 20, he started getting his act together, but it took him 6 years to get his bachelor's degree.  He eventually went on to get his masters, worked a few years and then got his PhD.  He was an awesome teacher and researcher and an amazing husband.

 

I guess this all means...don't judge a kid's potential by their attitude at age 18.

 

Still, not being a parent, I don't truly understand your angst over this and I don't want to give any impression that coping is easy.  Your heart must be breaking over her struggles.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

imissdow, I almost missed your post but am glad I saw it.  Hugs to all of you girls from us.  Three things:

 

One, gym?  Really?!

 

Two, I had M tested and she, like Rudi's son, tested gifted in the comprehension are as I suspected she would but the rest that you describe also fits my daughter to a T.  I fought it for as long as I could but then I decided just to let her be.  It has helped.  I was an unmotivated teenager.  It wasn't depression; all I wanted to do was sit/lie around and read novels.  That's it.  Nothing else.  I was a terrible student my first two years of college, not hitting anything resembling a stride until my junior year.  My grades were mediocre at best and that was only due to threats from my parents that they'd pull me out.  But now I am a college professor....go figure.

 

Three, I work with hundreds of college freshmen every year and while I am not allowed to say it, I very often look at them and think you are not ready to be here.  We are doing you a disservice by letting you think you are ready to be here.  You are going to be crushed by student loans getting a degree from which you appear to be garnering little of value.  I hate to say it but it is true and it is getting increasingly worse.

 

I firmly believe that not all young people are ready for college at 18.  Last time I saw you, we discussed programs abroad building houses and so forth.  Real life experiences like that might better serve her right now.  Volunteering, working part time and going to school - doesn't have to be abroad. 

 

I am in no way diminishing how tough this is on you or invalidating your fears but we (the royal we as Americans) have bought into this erroneous notion that kids must follow the pipeline straight into college or it is all a lost cause.  Not so.  Not so at all.  Some kids need some extra time to grow, especially creative and introspective ones.  What seems like a lack of motivation could be more of a lack of inspiration.  It will come to her in time.  Lots of love to you guys. 

[ieh21]

Just to add to TooSoon's comments, I think we're also mistaken as parents if we believe that college (community or otherwise) is the only path. I would be shocked if my daughters decided to opt out of a higher education, but not everyone should/needs to get a college degree.

[rifatheroffour]

Just to add to TooSoon's comments, I think we're also mistaken as parents if we believe that college (community or otherwise) is the only path. I would be shocked if my daughters decided to opt out of a higher education, but not everyone should/needs to get a college degree.

 

I completely agree with this.  A good trade can be just as rewarding and lucrative as going to college.  If you are smart you can turn a trade into a business.  It is after all just another form of higher education that may not focus so much on books.  As long as they have some sort of plan I would completely support my kids not going to college.  But they will have to have a plan other than sit at home all day, they must engage on some level and become self sufficient.  You don't have to have the newest car, biggest house and vacation in exotic lands to have a meaningful life. 

[imissdow]

I agree with all of you that college is not for everyone.  My Dh did 3 years of college and the chucked it all to be a carpenter. He was great at it and although we never were rich we also have one of the nicest houses on the block because he fixed up a space every year. We could afford nicer materials because labor was free. I have a 2 year degree that I don't even use at this point.   

She wants to do photography and the community college has a program in that. It looks like that is what she will be enrolled in at this point.  With financial aid school will be just about paid for and she can continue to live at home. It will also give her some more time to grow up and figure out what she wants to do. I do not want a kid that at 25 still lives at home and hasn't "found" themselves yet. She does have a part-time job and she seems to like it.

 

Her bio-dad has some sort of mental problem.  I have been told this by a couple of people who work with those types of people. No one has ever been able to figure it out and at this point I wouldn't know even if they did.  So I'm having a phych consult in August. If nothing else it will put my mind at ease.  A friend suggested high functioning autism.  I read a little on it and it sounds quite possible. Also sounds a lot like her bio-dad.  So that is what the consult is for.   

 

Trying to find a balance between pushing her to  do something meaningful and being supportive is so much harder then I ever thought it would be. I just want her to be self supporting,independent and  have a meaningful life.  Right now she doesn't even seem to have a plan or to say it maybe a better way, She doesn't seem to have a realistic plan that she has figured out how to succeed with.  Last time I asked her she was planning on moving to California and go to film school. Yet she hasn't contacted the school she wants to go to ,or figured out what she would need to do to get there. She has been asked several times what she thinks  she needs to do and her answer is usually fly out to California and get a job. She has no info on the school, she hasn't applied, asked for a catalog or anything. Guess she thinks  maybe they will throw a party when she arrives.  She has never filmed anything, not even with our camcorder.  She doesn't seem to get excited about anything. So i'm not sure what she has enough interest in to even make a career out of. 

[ieh21]

It sounds like the community college might help her figure out her plan. If she takes a class, maybe the teacher will be a motivating factor, maybe inject a bit of realism into the whole dream. Or maybe it'll be a classmate who is really driven who will show her what it looks like to really want this career.

 

At that age, my plan was to go to med school. Here it's possible without an undergrad. I applied to four schools and waited patiently. My accompanying letter sounded like "I want to be a doctor because I want to help people". I had good extra-curriculars and good grades, but no clear vision of anything other than "for sure I'll make it". My mom suggested kindly that I perhaps apply to another program. I scoffed and applied to a chemistry undergrad, without even giving it any thought. Guess where I was sitting the next fall? That's what it took me to force me to figure myself out, the med school rejection. And now, many years later, I think they did me a favour, I wouldn't have been a very good MD. In fact I never reapplied after chemistry.

 

So yes we often have these vague dreams, these notions of things will happen because why not. And more often than not, we hit that moment of truth and readjust. Our parents can push, but they can't do it for us and for a large part, they have to watch it unfold and maybe keep us honest. I say all of this, and in 15 years, when it's my turn, feel free to send it all back to me!

[Guest TooSoon]

My best friend from high school went to college against his will.  It was just what we were all expected to do.  He lasted a little over two years and then dropped out.  He wound up in culinary school, doing what he loved - baking bread and making pastries.  He has started and sold several successful businesses and now lives in his dream locale doing exactly what he wants to be doing.  I could not agree more that there are so many other pathways to a fulfilling life. 

[lcoxwell]

I missed this, when it was first posted, but wanted to add that your daughter sounds much like my son. One of his teachers said to me years ago, "I believe he is academically gifted, but does not respond well to the pencil and paper tasks of school." My son is highly intelligent, yet failed nearly every class he ever took in high school. Getting him through to graduation included summer school, night school, and finally, a move to a continuation high school (a move I wish I had made far sooner than I did).

 

I honestly have no answers for you, because I worry about him daily and struggle with how to help him find his way in the world. At 19, he just seems directionless and lost to me. Social anxiety doesn't help his cause, either, I might add. Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that although I have no useful advice, I can understand your worries.