LOOOOOOOOONG. Just needed to get something out if you can put up with me

[Carey]

There?s a place on the coast of NC, it?s not fancy by any means, but it?s where my heart lives.  It used to be a military base, now it is a Nat?l Guard Training Center and recreation area for military members and retirees.  When my daddy was alive, we were blessed to go there with him and my mom, along with Chad?s parents and spend a week together.  That was the ONLY time my in-laws ever came to NC, and my ?babies? were so young ?. Josh was almost 6, Katie had just turned 1 and Jacob was in my belly. Katie took her first steps in that beach house that week.  Ever sense then, I?ve gone back over and over and over to that place.  My husband had privileges there because he worked for the Department of Defense as a subcontractor. It became OUR place.  I have hundreds of memories there. Happy, sad, bittersweet. Last Memorial Day, we stood at the end of the fishing pier there on the Cape Fear. I put Chad?s ashes in his favorite old battered hat and we all gathered and passed that hat around, everyone grabbing a handful and scattering him out over the river as the sun set in the most spectacular display I have ever seen; before or sense.  There were people there that we had camped with off and on over the years, you?d go all year and not see their face or speak there name and then summer came and we were just THERE again.  Like we?d never left. Whole families whose children grew up together. They all stood on that pier and held what was left of my honey and we played ?drink a Beer? by Luke Bryan and all those guys had a beer in their hands that they raised in a toast to him one last time. We laughed and joked about the time that he was ?shitfaced? and jumped off that pier into 2 feet of muddy water.  TWICE, because I wasn?t there to see it the first time and didn?t believe he did it so he had to SHOW me.  There were the nights the kids ran around in the grass in front of the river with sparklers.  Or catching fireflies and frogs.  Swatting mosquitoes and eating watermelon till it dripped down their chins. I have met some of the best people I will ever know there.  My kids even were awarded ?staff? tee shirts and go to the end of the year staff parties and usually end up getting put to work in some capacity or another while they are there.  Year after year we watch each others kids grow and catch up on old times. There were dark times too ? when Chad got so drunk there was an altercation in the campground and someone called the police, telling them he had hit me. He ended up not only in jail for the weekend, but asked not to ever come back there.  I was devastated, until the site manager told me, no, he can?t come back, but you and those kids are always welcome.  A year later he worked hard at trying to sober up and went to Bill and apologized and asked to come back, and was allowed.  And then got kicked out again.  After that, Fort Fisher became my solace.  Chad would work the pizza job on weekends and stay home and drink and me and the kids would get to escape to happy, at least for a day or two at a time. Even after he went to Saudi and was no longer working for the US Gov, they let us go.  After he died last year they let us go. It?s the only place my heart has ever felt truly at rest.

 

 

  This year I was already feeling a little sad, because it felt like it wasn?t going to be the same. One of those dear friends is really sick and I have no idea how many times he will make it there this summer, if at all.  His twin daughters are graduating and going to college and moving on.  My daughter graduated.  We were planning to go last weekend to celebrate Katie?s graduation, because I had not had the money to do last week when she actually graduated.  The day before we were to go my son called down about reserving a tent to rent and was told we can?t go anymore.  The same site manager that hugged me last year and said we were always welcome, said that she could no longer justify allowing us to go when she has to turn away others who also had military service but not retired/active and that it wasn?t fair.  She made an exception for last weekend because she hadn?t been aware we were planning to come the next day.  But now, if we want to go, we have to have a military sponsor with us.  In years past that would have been a piece of cake, but as I said, some have moved on, some are not well.  So I don?t know when/if it will ever happen again and I was just unbearably sad all weekend when I was there. I had literal flashbacks and could see my daddy swinging Katie around in circles under this huge live oak that spreads out over the water. Or Chad throwing jake in the air and flipping him in the pool.  My oldest walking around long and lean with a tan. laying on our bellies in the sand watching baby turtles come spilling out of a nest.  Running from a summer storm.  Meeting Joe Diffie and my son calling him "Moe Jiffy" and dancing in the street while the band played.    Like another huge chunk of my life that was so incredibly special and important to me got ripped away without warning yet again.  It may seem trivial to some. Some would say, Oh just find another place to go.  But I?ve invested my heart there.  Not to mention, how many places at the beach can you stay for $10 a night? Not to mention I am a sea turtle volunteer, and the only other campground on the island locks you in at 10 pm ? prime sea turtle time.  I just feel like all life does anymore is just take and take and take. 

 

I wrote this more to "journal"  and I'm sorry it's so long, I just felt compelled to write about it.

 

[Guest sphoc]

I just want to send you some big hugs. *HUGS*

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry, Carey. Just want you to know I understand why this change feels so devastating to you. You've painted an extraordinary mental picture of the memorable moments you've had there. How could losing the physical connection to those memories not feel like a terrible loss?

 

Tight hugs...

[Trying]

I just wanted to tell you that I get it and I'm so sorry.  My family also has a special place and the thought of losing it would be heart breaking.  Such wonderful memories you and your children have of your times there.

[ATJ]

It may seem trivial to some. Some would say, Oh just find another place to go.  But I?ve invested my heart there. ....

I just feel like all life does anymore is just take and take and take

. 

 

 

"Life never gives; it only lends."  ~~ Unknown

 

(((Carey)))

 

I am so sorry that you lost your refuge of peace and happiness. There are so many "consequential damages" that we never anticipated, and they exacerbate the major loss. -

 

I also once had a special place which my husband and I regularly visited. It was my "oasis of peace, serenity and rejuvenation". When I used to be under stress, I would close my eyes and imagine being there, and the mere image calmed me down and was balm for my soul. For different reasons, I also can no longer go there, and I miss it so very, very much!

 

 

 

 

Although you've come to the end of another road,

may Life send you a Rainbow that leads you to a new place

of Bright and Hopeful Beginnings!

 

 

ATJ

 

 

[Guest look2thesky]

Cary I'm sorry for the situation and double loss.

ATJ you have a wonderful way of visuals and words.

Only thing I could ever suggest is hold the beautiful memories and hopefully new ones will sometime come.

[Bluebird]

Dear Carey,

 

Thank you for sharing your memories of that magical place. I can see why you are heartbroken. It was there for you in good times and in bad. I hope that what comes next is as comforting as your special place was.

 

You make me think of a place that I took my son, his girlfriend and my grandson to in Maryland the year that Stephen died. We've been there twice now, drawn back to recreate special moments where we clung together in grief. My son has been back 4 times he loves it so much, and he has just planned his 5th trip with his girlfriend this summer!

 

Places have meaning, they evoke distinct feelings and memories, and I'm deeply sorry you have lost this place.

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Virgo]

((hugs))

[Carey]

Thank you guys. After the monumental loss of Chad, and even Katie's babies she miscarried last summer, this should seem trivial but I couldn't quit thinking about it

[lcoxwell]

If there is one thing I have learned, since my Kenneth's death, it is that things in this life that shouldn't be trivial are, and the things that may seem "trivial" to others are monumental to us. I know it doesn't make it easier, but I do sympathize.