Kinda one year - weird emotions and a question

[Tricia]

So I'm pretty much at the one year mark. My husband technically died June 13, but today is the one-year anniversary of his brain aneurysm. The medical interventions in the four days after that were fruitless. So as far as I'm concerned, a year today is the day I lost my husband, the last day we talked, the last piece of normal.

 

I have all the typical, expected emotions. Sadness. Panic. Anger, etc. But one thing has surprised me. Relief. I've been dreading these four days almost all year. The last few weeks have been particularly awful. Now that June 10 has rolled around, I'm just glad I'm not holding my breath anymore waiting. I'm ready to ride these days out, ending with a small balloon release ceremony on Saturday, the 13th. 

 

These four days seem like the ending of the first leg of an eternal race. I know things won't magically get better on the 14th, in part because that's, ummm Father's Day. (Thank you fate, for that lovely bit of timing.) But it feels like we will have passed all the Firsts.

 

So my question is this. I know everyone is different, but is there any relief in getting through the one year? I know a lot of people say Year 2 is actually worse. That stops me down just thinking about it. We've started to see more and more glimpses of joy and good-life stuff and I'd hate to think of us going back to such dark days as we experienced last year.

 

(I began reading this board about a week after Daniel died. I can't believe I'm in the Beyond the First Year forum now. There's some beauty as well as some sadness in that.)

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Tricia.

 

I know that some people have found year 2 harder, but that hasn't been my experience.  I lost my first husband almost 6 years ago and my second husband 17 months ago.  In both cases, I found year 2 more bearable.  I'm still feeling the loss of my second husband fairly significantly and I've learned through two losses of my own that they are different.  I know I can have times that I feel some level of happiness.  Today, for instance, I spent a couple hours hanging with another widow and our dogs and I enjoyed that.  I plan to make the most of this summer with my second annual summer road trip criss-crossing the US.  I need to do what I need to do to keep myself looking forward and not looking into the pit.  I'm not sure how I would have gotten this far without good people in my life. 

 

Best wishes to you.  I hope things look up for you in year 2.

 

Maureen

[WifeLess]

Tricia,

 

Shortly after passing one year I posted:

 

"Last week I passed my one year point . . . I found that the anticipation was worse than the actual day, which I managed to get through without a major meltdown. And afterward, I actually felt a sense of relief that this obstacle was now out of my way . . . "

 

And an obstacle had indeed been removed. Although feeling like I was in a state of Limbo the entire previous year, a new and extremely positive direction for my future revealed itself immediately after passing my one year point. Although some say their second year was worse than their first, that was certainly not the case for me. Nor was it for most other widow(er)s I came to know personally during my first few years. Hopefully, you will find this to be the case as well.

 

--- WifeLess

[merrylea]

Hi Tricia-

 

I'm currently 15 months out and all I have to say is, so far so good. I, too, felt a sense of relief after the one year mark.

 

I do know that everyone is different, though. During the first year, I felt like I was constantly swimming, just trying to stay afloat. This year is all about rebuilding my life, deciding where I want to go from here. While it's not without its challenges, it feels like I'm finally starting to take steps forward, instead of just staying afloat, and that's a good feeling.

 

I will say I tried to confront my grief head on, and did some really hard grief work with an amazing counselor. Maybe that's why I feel more prepared to rebuild? Dunno.

 

Please take care of yourself these next days, and listen to your needs and wants. It's all about you at this time.

-M

[Virgo]

I'm at 16 months. My husband died a week after his 39th birthday, so instead of acknowledging his death date my daughters and I celebrated his birthday. I also donated blood on his birthday. Planning our little celebration, and knowing I was going to donate on his birthday, helped me not dread his death date.

 

You're right. Things don't magically get better after the year mark. One thing that caught me a little off guard was the realization that I would no longer be able to say, "this time last year."

 

Extra hugs to you during the next few days.

[Trying]

There are no rules or "normal" when it comes to our grief.  For me the lead up to  one year was the worst.  I thought I was losing my mind and that I was back in the depths of grief from the first few weeks.  But once it passed things leveled off for the most parts.  Now at 19 months I am definitely finding more joy than sadness, the lows aren't quite as low and don't last as long.  I finally feel like I am starting to do more than just survive.  I still miss him and think of him daily but the anger has subsided, the pain is easing, I am more hopeful.  While I know the grief will never end I do believe it will get easier than it is today.

 

The big thing I think is to not compare ourselves to each other.  If I'm having a harder time at some point than someone else it doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong.  If I'm feeling happy and hopeful on a given day it doesn't mean I don't love my DH just as much as I do on the bad days.

[Mizpah]

At the one year, I had a hard time.  I felt exiled from my grief - like a year has passed, and the intense, "allowed" period was over.  It was "regular time" now - no more "a year ago today...."  The second year was not nearly as hard for me.  I think it depends on the person.  But the second year was when I started to think more about me - the first year was all about him.  In the second year I started to wonder what my life would become in his absence and a bit of worry and sadness and fear set in, I must admit.  I believed I'd never want to be with anyone again, so pondering a (maybe long) life of general loneliness and monotony - it was daunting and sad.  But as the year went on, I started to feel happier and more alive.  I hope for that for you. 

[Jen]

(((Hugs))))

 

I just hit 14 months. I admit, I had to stop and think about that... I made up my mind to stop counting at a year, and for the most part, I have. The actual sadiversary was a surprisingly good day... most of the days since then, not so much. I was so terrified that I'd get to that magical year mark and find out that it didn't change anything-- and that's pretty much what happened. Jim wasn't any less dead at 366 days than he was at 364.

 

But I will say that the grief has changed markedly. Like Mizpah says, it's more about me now. Jim is gone, and I miss him, but I don't yearn for him like I did. I yearn for-- something, a sense of connection, a reason to wake up in the morning. Sometimes that void aches so much that I can hardly bear it. I continue to trudge through the days, hoping that maybe a time will come when I feel alive again. I read over and over that it's possible... I just don't know if it's possible for me. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm just... done.

 

Hugs-- I'm so sorry, I should try to be more encouraging. Peace to you...