Julester3

My main trick for nights were to make myself as tired as I would so I would sleep better like stay up later, work on a crochet project before bed, type in my journal, and then I’d be weary enough to sleep because my eyes would be tired. Then, a wise college friend who lost his partner told me to change my perspective so I’m not looking at the empty space my husband used to occupy. So I slept on his side of the bed and that comforted well in the beginning and made sleeping easier for me. Later on I ended up changing the bed out and getting new sheets so it was “my bed”, not “our bed” anymore.

That is a tough one. Dating for the widowed is not for the faint of heart. It takes patience and persistence. I like your solution about saying that it’s a heavy topic and to save it for later.

So sorry you are joining us here. Grief is hard enough to deal with and then add this pandemic on top and it makes things so much harder since we have to social distance and such. I needed other people to minimize that quiet loneliness. Hugs to you today.

1. I hugged my teenager this morning. She was having a bit of an exhausted nervous breakdown from modified school activities. All the rules and minding them are taxing just to be sure everyone remains safe! 2. Made my lunch so I can keep working. I usually get lazy and just snack until I get home. 3. I’m at work today. That is a feat in itself!

I do check in from time to time. It’s been over 4 years for me since I lots my husband. I check the boards and I think many come to read to gain perspective and to have food for thought. I know I did at first. Post and people will answer!

So sorry you are joining us here. So much is going on and that is a big move! Hugs and peace for you today.

Breathe! I know the feeling. I have that same thing with my late husband’s dog. I will do what can be done even if she drives me nuts. Last year, she infected a fatty tumor and with 2 different cones of shame, ointment for to be spread, and oozing ickiness (for like 3 months), all I can say is she’s up and running again and her usual self. I did cat with kidney stones and then cancer thereafter. That was no fun either. Hugs!

I think it’s a control issue generally. The pandemic is causing irrational levels of stress and anxiety for many people not just teens. Your son can control going out or choosing to do something or nothing due to the virus. I have a young adult and a teen myself and I use a lot of misdirection just like when they were kids so they can focus on something else. Lately it’s been, “we are so very lucky we have a home and I’m working. What can we do to help small family restaurants and businesses in town?” I have them research local, family owned restaurants we can purchase meals from 2-3 times a week so we are helping our community. We’ve now been to some restaurants we have never tried in the 20 years we’ve lived in town and found some new places to us. I have them check the website on what the local food pantry needs so when I go shopping next we can buy extra. I also had them decorate our windows to be colorful with cut paper and such. People just take walks around the neighborhood. It’s sort of fun to see how people are artistic or creative. We can make smart choices and do what we are comfortable doing. These are also things we can control in a safe manner. So try some diversion tactics. It can’t hurt to try. I hope you can find some balance with your son.

Hey everyone! Hope you are all doing well and are safe considering everything going on in the world. I feel committed however I waver back and forth about future scenarios. I sometimes want more like sharing our lives and cohabiting but I know NG is hesitant and his kids are priority and his kids want to go where they live. I do live in a better school district than they do FWIW but the kids want their friends and what they know. Other times, I’m just fine where I am because I don’t want to move or make any compromises. Something to iron out someday.

All I managed was a link. Lol https://link.shutterfly.com/np8IC6XQA6

I understand that feeling of detachment. Now that I’m in a relationship, it’s how I feel. My married life was a part of me but it’s in the past, no longer present and has that surreal cast to it. This year would have been our 20th year anniversary. I wish I could post a photo. My picture file is too large...I need to see if I can resize it...

Happy birthday nevertheless!

We text daily so we have that. Since you guys live together, you are considered a household. You don’t have to segregate from one another unless one of you are compromised. You just need to not go out at much as possible or interact directly with those not in your immediate household.

I have to agree. You do have time and now you can do as much or as little as you want. There are no rules other than do what gives you peace and find what brings you some joy. It’ll be okay. This path is different for everyone. It took me awhile to find myself and I’m content.

Yeah it’s quiet! So with the social distancing, I caboshed any mid week dates we would have spent together. We’re not sheltering together and his kids go back and forth with his ex. So it’s challenging.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. I couldn’t fathom it as well but I know my late husband would not want me to keep going on unloved and alone. It took me awhile to understand that. I also learned that I will always love him but love generally is not a set amount. It has the capability to grow if you let it. So bide your time for when you feel up to it and be sure it’s on your terms. I told the kids I wasn’t looking to replace their dad. Their dad was awesome. I needed someone for me. If my girls liked him, that was a bonus.

I also echo that this is normal. I had a very good sex life with my late husband. He died of a sudden heart attack so I had no preparation. I took care of my heart and my kids and I knew I was not in a strong place emotionally so I backed off for an entire year. But, that skin deprivation just was just making me crazy. He was a physical man, always sneaking in kisses and caresses at every opportunity so it was only a matter of time when I count ignore that starvation feeling. So I tried dating and I tested a couple scenarios and determined what would work for me. I feel no guilt about it because my late husband was my high school sweetheart. I never dated as an adult but it helped me realize what I truly needed in a relationship. I found that sex without a true connection was empty. I knew it was not for me. I found physical release but my heart felt empty, hollow. It didn’t fulfill my true need. So I quickly switched gears and depended on my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) to keep me focused. I could focus on finding a good match for me and not let that sexual urge drive me to make bad decisions. It took 9 months to find my current boyfriend and I have been with him for 2 years now and I’m truly happy. So it can be done and if you are ready, you could try. I recommend sitting down and figuring a plan and determine what you need. If you don’t know as I do, you’ll have to do some soul searching to see what you are comfortable with. Sorry if it was too much information. I’m always available if you want to chat.

How about a virtual hug??? How was your first day?

I'm Julie. I'm 44 years old. I lost my husband 4 years ago April 7th to a sudden heart attack. He was playing tennis at his club and had a heart attack in the locker room. The kids and I were home at the time. We have 2 girls: the eldest is now 20 and the youngest is 16. We were married for 15 years, together as a couple for 22 years. I met him in 7th grade. I too come in daily to check in and I do my best to post whenever I can because I recall how isolated I felt in the beginning and needed greatly to find people who I could relate to and would understand me and what I was feeling. I do some grief group/family work near where I live in the Chicago area but it's only once a month. I feel I did the best here reading stories and allowing it to help me process and think. For me, I feel that you never have to get over it. It will always suck. However, I believe you need to learn to accept it. I found many kindred spirits here. I also did a lot of journal writing on my laptop on my own that first year to help me process and understand our new normal. My girls would like to read it and I will let them someday. I rarely feel the need to write anymore because I have peace and understanding within myself. I understand that there are things I cannot control in life and his passing was beyond what we could have done. We lived a good and happy life. We had good health, ate well, and did physical activities. We had good jobs, hobbies that made us happy, and a good circle of friends. We were devoted to our families. He had no history of heart problems and was checked for them so this blindsided us greatly. I initially pulled through for the sake of my kids and I found I needed to work on myself equally hard as well. I know now that I am more than okay for me, for my girls, for my family, for my friends, and my colleagues. Even our pets. I try to do and be more for my family and my circle. I try to live life in the now and to enjoy it. I am now in a relationship with a good man and things are progressing well. Before I could never contemplate my future without my husband but now I can imagine several scenarios for myself now. I am no longer afraid.

Katrina, that is a lot to process! Just cut yourself some slack. You are going to have a lot of blank time considering many of us are sheltering in place. I suggest to find a distraction to stay occupied so it doesn’t all bombard you at once. I do crafts so I would crochet and then have music or tv on to add to white noise. It helped me greatly. I know for others it can be exercise, yoga, gardening...it can’t hurt! Just know that time is on your side in the respect that you can take as much time as you need to grieve and process. There is no timeline but your own. Take care!

You know, come in and read at the very least. Go ahead post if you like. Many of us check in and we can reply. Hugs to you as this is a tough time. I know I needed a lot of hugs after LH died. It was the act of feeling touched and safe that was comforting and now we can’t even do that with social distancing. Be safe!

Nothing new here. Still swimming! NG has this new tendency to dream of more than we can do at this point - cohabitation, getting to sleep with one another every night, see each other every day. I am open to this next step but I’m a scientist. I need to analyze all angles and outcomes. It’s just what I do. I know not to hope too much and just live in the now. I’m always plan for the worst and hope for the best. I do know if this doesn’t work out, I will be okay. I have plenty of friends and family who do care for me and it can be enough. I was talking to a long time friend and we were talking about what do we do with ourselves when we retire. I said let’s buy a large parcel of land and make our own little village. We can each have our own little cottage and a central clubhouse for gatherings, classes, and exercise. I can imagine a future without a partner in it but it’s just one possible reality. Before when LH passed, I couldn’t even do that let alone contemplate. I don’t know where NG and I will be but I know I have a plan for myself if it’s just meant to be me. I feel I am flexible to alter my future whatever what may come.

Big Hugs! Fate has no sense of fairness in this.

You got that right, Kk! I too don’t care for the attention and I’d like a refund!

That was more than insensitive - it was a real bitch of a move. True friends do not do that. They try to uplift and support, not tear them down like that. I’m sorry it ruined your evening. If she had nothing nice to say, she should have just kept it to herself. I quite enjoy weddings from the stand point that people found one another and want to spend their lives together. It’s a tiny bit bittersweet because I miss my husband however I am grateful to have experienced that great kind of love and to be present in order to support others. Pulled pork poutine? That’s pretty comforting to me! Hugs!