Julester3

Just when you think you have a handle on things, things get frustrating again. I finished my probate period on the house. Hello 20 months of BS! I get half of the house and each kid gets 25%. I have to pay out to them if I refinance or sell the house. The lawyer didn’t do the work on the cars so now I have to fill out more paperwork ie small day state affidavit and then the notary I went to said he couldn’t sign it? Never mind no instructions how to fill out that stupid form? Then I got my furnace serviced this morning and it’s declining? The repair is already 1/3 the cost of replacing the whole damn thing but I’m not in the mood to shell out $9k for a new furnace. I know it’s old and it’s only going to get older and less efficient. I hate having to sit here and make these giant decisions by myself! So frustrated! With LH, I know we’d sit and play pros and cons but with the smaller salary that I make and the careful budgeting that I do, this totally sucks. I have to be more careful with how much and what we spend. I’m not sure we will keep the house past my second daughter graduating high school. I will have to downsize but I know I need certain things done to the house to sell it in the future. Le sigh! Thanks for letting me vent.

I’ve already lost both my parents. My older sister took care of the estate when our mom died and we let her take charge. We helped where we could and where she asked us to. It helps if your dad left his important papers together so you can methodically go through accounts and such. For the house, If there is more than you can take on, consider an estate sale company to help you to sell the items within the house. Donate the rest afterwards. It’s a different sadness for sure when it’s your own parents. I hated seeing my own mom deteriorate. Sorry for your loss!

It’s good to have a support system. But I do agree that everyone’s time tables and journey is different. My girls were older than yours when my LH died of a sudden heart attack. We were both 40 years old. My girls were older 12 and 16. I went back to work 3 weeks later after the funeral. The first few months was just survival mode and trying to motivate myself to do normal things. I was lucky to have a wonderful community who dropped us dinners every weekday from April to June. That helped me as I was numb and I wasn’t ever really hungry so it helped that the meal was right there. I would say the heaviest for me was 6 months-1 year. It just hit me so hard. I had to mourn our dreams and goals and mourn all the things he’d miss with the girls. I journaled to him and it made a huge difference helping me simply accept it. As I often tell my kids, we don’t have to get over it but we need to accept it so we can move forward. Little by little, things do get better. You find little joys life and that is huge. The first time I could watch a movie and laugh? It’s progress. You learn to live again and you need to find things that help fill your time so you can keep busy. It’s a powerful tool against idle time and hijacking sadness. Be gentle to yourself, cut yourself some slack, try group grief therapy as it’s good to help teach the younger kids how to cope and incorporate little strategies so they can keep a piece of their mom with them. Talk and vent as you need to. Read older posts as they can be super helpful. We’re all here to listen though it’s quiet. Hugs and sorry for your loss. We know how it feels.

Wow, that's a small world there Paul! What are the chances of that?

Thank you for sharing LF. Congrats on the house and the good fortune! I seem to have a feeling that in her way Christine is looking out for you.

I had some friends over and I helped them start scrapbooks. Then we ordered pizza.

Sorry for your loss. I think you are doing a good job at this point. You are working, you are taking care of the kids, and you are putting on a brave face. Those are 3 giant accomplishments at 3 months. It is tiring. When I went back to work, I simply wanted to climb into bed when I got home but I checked in with the kids and their days. I depended on simple dinner and then I would put on pajamas and either zone out in front of the tv or go on my laptop. I had no energy to do anything else honestly. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I saved chores for the weekend when I didn’t work but I allowed myself to not worry about these things during the week. Time varies for everyone. I think 3 months is still very fresh. As for finding yourself, it will have to happen at some point. I was with LH since We were 18 as well, dated for 5, engaged for 2, married for 15 years. So I understand your concern. There was always an us but I recalled my own identity. I had to look at my own strengths, accomplishments, and my interests to find it. I decided on what was important to me and what example I wanted to lead for my girls. You can do it when you are ready and do it on your own terms. Hugs today!

Condolences on your wife. Teen girls....they are their own level of challenge. My girls were 12 and 16 when their dad died. They may be older than some other kids but gosh they still need chauffeuring, appointments, activities, needs, etc. and it’s exhausting when they didn’t drive either. I spent most most of my time working on them first and then myself second. I made their survival my absolute priority. I needed to find control of our lives and then figure out what I could manage and what I can’t and then find a viable solution. It sounds to me you might have to ease them into chores and strengthening the family unit. I had to stress this. I was the mom who did everything because I could and didn’t mind but when you have to work and provide, I had to change gears and they had to help. They miss my cooking but they understand when I choose to pick up carry out or keep it simple like soup and grilled cheese. They do chores and take care of the pets. They walk to places or decline invites because I’m at work. They understand we need to be a team and that sacrifices are necessary. I have also told them that they never have to get over losing their dad but they need to move forward and progress. He will always be a part of us. How I dealt with my grief? I was honest with the kids. If I was sad and having a bad day, I didn’t necessarily hide it and I would talk about it with them. This in turn encouraged for them to do the same. I often journaled to “speak” to my husband as I needed to vent and also work things out. I found hobbies that gave me piece of mind so I wasn’t feeling the oppression of sadness all the time. I did therapy and I came here a lot to read and gain perspective. I changed the way I did things so everyday or annual rituals weren’t painful. We changed seats in the kitchen, I hosted Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, we chose to do more experiences together rather than focus on material things. I also made myself make time for myself - go out with my own friends to get adult time and to recharge. It helped prevent horrible burnout and closeting myself at home as I could do. I knew I need to be well for my girls to be well. My energy effects them. I made sure I ate and stayed hydrated and I do my best to get at least 6 hours asleep a day. You can do this. We have dad’s here who did it and are still doing it. Read around here and get some perspective on other people's struggles that might be similar to yours. Tackle one thing at a time and be patient for those challenging teen years. Stay consistent and work on getting them to be part of the solution. Trust me, when I’ve had enough, I can call my sister in for reinforcement! Hugs to you today!

I have only known Widda. A friend of mine from PTA lost her husband over 10 years ago to cancer and knew of the previous site. She knew of Widda and referred me here. I’m good at self therapy and talking things through but sometimes I wonder if I’m off the path or if I’m unreasonable and coming here to read was so very helpful and helped me validate my feelings and emotions. Engaging in direct conversation is ideal but having the resource to read at your own pace and time was what I needed. I too felt not many people would really understand where I was coming from. I had my own therapist for grief but a lot of the work has to be done within. This site is a vital tool to me. Although I feel better than about 3 years ago and I have someone new who I truly care for, I feel the need to stay and be here when anyone needs support.

Have a great birthday Arneal!

I’m in biotechnology. I took 3 weeks before going back. I needed to make sure the kids were okay and I wanted to ease them back to school. I have my own office with a door so when it was hard I could work and cry in peace with my door shut and a polite note not to bother me unless necessary. I have flexibility being an only parent so it helped going back and not completely hating it.

I’m kept my married name and I do have kids so I do like holding onto it as well. I’ve honestly thought about it and if I were to marry NG, I’d actually hyphenate last names. But for now, I’m not going back to my maiden name.

Fuck finding yes something else I don’t have access to! Fuck for having yet another milestone with one of the kids that he is not a part of.

I had to think this one over before responding. I have different friends through different interests. I found myself re-sorting my friendships. For the most part, I’m still generally congenial and friendly with many but I seriously closed up my core group of trusted people who I’d confide or share more with. Each person previously was in a different friend buckets before. It’s made me happier and I feel good and safe with my core group. They kept me together on an adult and individual level I needed that I would never burden the kids with. I know I have but to ask when I need help and they know how to be where other people just miss the mark. So it’s okay to re-examine your friendships and decide what works for you. If people don’t understand or don’t even want to try to, then they probably aren’t worth it.

Please vent away! Nothing feels better than simply venting and being able to unload. We get it. Anger though is understandable in your situation. It’s hard to get over the unfairness this anger can stew. I also totally understand hating listening to friends bitch about their husbands. At least they still have a living one! It’s getting to be old hat, I’m sure. Hugs to you!

LH was a child of divorce at a young age and he was not a holy terror. His parents were honest and amicable (always in front of him). It just didn’t work out is what they told him. He didn’t get the whole story but got bits and pieces and perspective as he got older. This is what made him secure that he had 2 loving parents above all. The only thing that didn’t help was when MIL didn’t want to give up LH for holidays and pouted, they humored her, even when LH got older and he was able to start making his own choices where to go and what to do. If he was to go to his dad’s and his mom wanted him, he went with his mom and his dad would be lucky if he even saw him. IMO it would have been better and fair to stick to the agreement to the t and not bend. It really set up a lot of issues once we got married. She expected for us to accommodate her needs regardless of his dad or my own family. By the teenage years, he knew of his mother’s bipolar manic depression as the issue of the break of his parent’s marriage. He understood that his dad made sure to be there in case she ever had bad episodes. He never knew the exact stories. I got those after LH passed away and it’s like a Lifetime movie. His mother got main custody while his dad got every weekend during the school year, alternating holidays, more chunks of time in summer. His mom started dating first when he was in kindergarten. His dad dated more actively when he was in middle school because he traveled a lot for work. Ironically MIL dated the same guy for many years and even moved in with him when LH was in high school. They got married one month before our wedding. We found out because my brother is a deputy sheriff at the courthouse they got married at. He saw them and they went alone. My FIL married his GF when we were in college. Sorry this got long! Honesty and not fighting can make a better secure child overall. I would say this was why we were so honest with one another and open. We were very upfront about expectations, personal beliefs, and goals. It was important to LH and he intended to have a single long marriage to me, not to die at 40. We had a good 15 years as husband and wife. We dated for 5 years, engaged for 2. 22 years is a good time to be with a person. I wish for more but I understand it was what I was meant to have and I’m grateful!

Vent away! That stinks about the vacation. I would have done what you did in this situation - I'd have simply gone home. It's sad that you went to the therapist to sort of have a plan when conflict may occur but it seemed all for naught. You can't excuse poor behavior no matter the age in kids. I can't let my teens get away with it and they should be old enough to know better but as humans we all have lapses. You always need to address it or give them a statement that if it can't be addressed at that moment that it will surely be discussed and not forgotten or forgiven. Failure to do so will gives the child belief that they have free reign to misbehave. I also vouch for consistency as well. I have drilled the same litany rule phrases into my kids each and every time I see the misbehavior. I just need to start the phrase, they finish it, and it completely changes the scene. We re-set and start again. I don't expect perfection in my kids but I expect them to be good, respectful people and to apologize when they know they couldn't keep it together. Your NG needs to be honest with his kid, set up boundary rules, and simply stick to them. If you are not allowed to "help", he needs to step up, intervene, and explain things to his kid. I think only you can judge how much you can take if NG isn't even trying to improve or compromise. Hugs and fortitude! With my NG, lately I have observed that we ask one another permission first when we see something we might want to comment on but we try to establish rules and boundaries for the situation or activity where our kids will be interacting together so they know the expectations. What works to our advantage are the ages of our kids. My girls are 15 & 19. His are 12 & 9. So our potential rate for tantrums are very low and they can negotiate with one another and resolve conflicts before we adults have to intervene.

I am sad to see this. So very sorry!

Definitely hard to properly analyze what runs through a 9 year old boy’s thought process! I appreciate any perspective!

I am sorry you have joined us here but know we are here for you to listen, to read, and to talk. What you are experiencing is normal. You need to process and grieve. It takes time. It sounds cliche but it's true. Time softens the blow. Stay hydrated, cut yourself slack, and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It's different for everyone. Hugs!

I wanted to share something. I made a Star Wars quilt for NG for Christmas but wasn't able to finish it until like last week. I had brought it over to his house and he was so excited and happy. I'm a crafter and I show affection by making and doing things for others. So a few days later he got his kids and his son asked him, "why would she go to so much trouble to make this for you?" It honestly really made me sad. I would say this shows what kind of marriage he had. Had his ex never do anything nice or thoughtful for him? Father's Day? Birthday? Christmas? It's obvious to me that if his son can't understand this that he never helped or saw his mother do anything for his dad. His son is 9 already. I just hope he can learn his dad has value and deserves nice things.

I totally get it. My LH was very touchy-feely physical, sexual being when we were alone so when he died I soon found myself starving from skin deprivation. He was my high school sweetheart and I didn't date as an adult. I had to figure myself out and decide what I wanted. I had a quick encounter as well 1 year out and it really helped that craving/starvation feeling that plagued me. I never saw him or contacted him again. I analyzed the encounter knowing that not having a mental connection and affection with the man was never going to work. That guy wasn't it. You will learn from this experience as I did. Hugs and good luck!

Just chirping in to also add don't overthink it or try to control it. I agree to just enjoy it. You don't have to make any future life plans, contingency or what not. I know what it's like to miss that symbiotic, intuitive relationship but don't compare it. It's not fair to you or to the person you are dating. Love them for them. Yes, it will be definitely different and not what you'd expect or used to but that is normal and okay. Why not have the conversation so you have a clear vision of expectations? We all deserve some love and affection.

Hugs Maureen! Thank you for the perspective and the sharing!

We had a discussion on it. We took the kids out for authentic Japanese ramen over the weekend before they go back to school and I explained that sometimes I can't talk right away about issues or feeling I might be experiencing. He mentioned that I tend to shut down a bit and become less sharing but I let him know to please not to take offense. Sometimes, I need time to understand and work through these things in my head. I can't always verbalized what I'm feeling but I told him not to worry and I'd talk about it when I would be ready. I think he's worried it's him or something he's done but I find that like in this NYE situation, I did something different and my inner reaction became sad. What I chose to do that day wasn't wrong and I didn't have s terrible night. I think my brain was calibrated for an all nighter and looking for more and it didn't happen that way.