Julester3

We traveled over the summer for the first time and it was incredibly hard without having Josh there with us. We agreed that we had to get through these firsts as best as we can and reflect later how it affected us. Hopefully it will be easier next time.

As I read through this, it triggered commentary I remembered that entire first week. Everyone's uniform commentary, "You are strong, so strong, you can do this." Well, crap. Sucks. I have been a hard-headed, take charge kind of person all my life but my husband gave me an outlet to relax, lean on him and be vulnerable and trusting unto someone else. There is no one to lean on but myself. So I too think people misinterpret for what I have to do as a sense of strength. But I don't like to reveal more than I am willing to either. Hannah sorry you didn't have anyone in his family attend. I can understand the disappointment.

How did it go? What did you decide to do? My anniversary is coming up next month and whenever I think about it, I feel the wave of sadness come over me. The positive news for me is it falls on a weekday and I can preoccupy myself by baking cookies for music boosters at the football game all night just to make me tired.

I am totally shocked! I am so sorry. I cannot believe the doctor let her go for so long. There has got to be negligence in all of this. My heart and prayers to you and your family.

How to get focus back? That is hard. It's different for everyone. You definitely need to cut yourself slack. Give yourself small daily goals. Hopefully it'll give you small boosts of encouragement. Take as much time as you need. For me, I find peace sitting with my kids and my hobbies. Work is just a daily distraction. But at home, I will sit there mindlessly crocheting and watching bad TV. The multitasking helps me clear my mind so the sadness doesn't take over - also tires me out so I can sleep better. So try to find something that makes sense to you and helps you find a sense of quiet peace maybe? Hugs - it's all so very hard for all of us.

I think this moment comes at different times for different people and it depends how you feel. I am only 4.5 months out as a widow and I actually decided to no longer wear my rings anymore. At first, I changed from my usual engagement and wedding rings to simply just my anniversary band that I tended to wear when my fingers would swell a bit. Just before my birthday in July, I finally transitioned to neither wedding nor anniversary ring. I wear a simple sterling silver multi-banded ring that I can fiddle with. With my husband now gone by circumstances we couldn't control, I honestly didn't feel married anymore. I felt forcibly detached from him. Death did part us so it felt like I was lying to myself wearing those rings. This is just my personal acceptance. There is no wrong or right way - it's what is best for you.

The first night I had to sleep in our bed without him, I was having an anxiety attack so I quickly decided to sleep in his spot so to change my perspective. It helped honestly and I am still on his side of the bed. Funny thing is I don't move as much as my husband did so fixing the bed in the morning is as simply as smoothing out the sheets and blanket. He was a mover so I used to fix the bed from scratch every morning.

I removed my husband and all of his information off all of the forms for the current school year. I didn't want any new teachers who didn't know us trying to email or call his cell phone. We do online registration so I had to highlight and delete the information. I hated it. It's like erasing the fact that he existed, you know?

Also sending a hug. The girls and I flew without Josh for the first time this summer for a small vacation and it was so very hard to simply hold it all in and not react so we didn't all start blubbering. Every single first we experience without our loved ones are hard but we have to try to move past them.

I'm in the NW burbs. I sent a request to the FB group. I'd be interested.

Talk whenever you feel ready. I have also heard that this is a club no one willingly wants to be a part of but we do need in the end so we can find a way to heal someday.

I now think we can't do anything to prevent death. It'll happen exactly when it is meant to happen whether you like it or not. I'm now even more not likely going to torture myself ever with excessive exercise and diets to be in an ideal "healthy" state so I can hopefully live longer. I'm going to have that ice cream if I want it and skip jogging the mile if I want to now. I sort of feel it makes no difference.

I too had a long history with my husband and though it's only been over 4 months since he passed, I still talk about him in the present tense. It's a tough transition, I think, especially when you have a long history together.

Hi all. I'm Julie. I just joined in today though the site was recommended by a friend, also a widow, awhile ago. I wasn't ready to talk. I needed to work things out in my head. I lost my husband April 7th this last spring to a heart attack. He went to tennis drills in the evenings just like he always did on Thursdays and he never came home that night. He had no history of heart disease and had exhibited no symptoms so to find out this is why he died, just devastates me. For me, it means you can't control what is meant to happen. You can only live life as best as you can and accept it. I tell the kids we never have to like it, we just have to accept it. We were married 15 years but we met in middle school and later dated through college so we have had our lives intertwined for 28 years of our 41 years. We have 2 kids, 16 and 12, so we do have a bit of him left in this world. I spent the rest of the month of April making sure the girls were well supported and could go back to school to finish the year. I went to work full time because we needed health insurance and extra household funds since my husband made most of our family income. I was lucky I was already working part time for the last 12 years because he didn't want me to work too much so I could be better flexible with the kids and their needs. I simply re-negotiated my contract with my employers. So, I get by on sheer stubbornness, fretting over the kids, keeping the pets in line, trying to keep my house in order, and what little time is left, I have hobbies I love to do to keep me busy. So I am literally exhausting myself so the grief doesn't take over and so I can sleep at least a solid 6 hours each night. I am functioning but I have to admit I avoid people because all I get is awkward sympathy. I don't want to hear it anymore. I have found in the past sharing with people of like purpose to be helpful in other situations so I knew I was finally ready for a community such as this. The girls and I go to a support group locally here and I was shocked how many young widows there were in attendance. We commonly are looking to solidify our children's well being but that didn't give *me* much support. So I hope to be a regular active member here, to contribute and listen.