Jennica

How you described yourself and how you feel about life is what I hope and pray for! Thank you so much for sharing. Nowadays I come on here to look for inspiration and you gave me that today. Jennica

It has been a bit since I have been on. It will be 3 years in August since my husband passed away. My kids and I are doing really good. I think I have come to terms with our new life and have finally accepted the fact that he is no longer with us. Now I find it rather hard to accept the single label. I don't know if it is weird or not. I feel that when someone asks if I am married I need to explain why I am not. It bothers me that I feel this way. I went to my sons 5th grade camp recently and on the second day a mom started asking me questions. Then she asked if I was married. Instead of just saying no and leaving it no I feel the need to explain. So I respond no, I am a widow, my husband passed away 3 years ago. Instantly I am so annoyed with myself. Why do I feel the need to explain. Why do I care? Its as if I think I will be looked at in a way that puts me beneath them and that feeling bothers the crap out of me. Then of course it becomes awkward and they say I'm sorry for your loss. The whole thing just annoys me. Ugh, the rest of camp I thought about if she was telling others. Is this strange? When do you stop saying your a widow? Am I always going to refer to myself as a widow? I don't want to but it just comes out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

RAM, I am right there with you. I do not like to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas with my in-laws. It is just too much of a reminder and saddening to be there without him. I have been skipping those holidays. I know it’s not fair to the kids. The family has changed so much since he has past.

Have a great year! I go back Wednesday.

Hi Gem, This was my second Christmas without my husband. I don't know if I can ever go back to doing the same Christmas again, way too hard. I found my self needing to do something different. The first Christmas, the kids and I went to a hotel near by. The kids had fun swimming, we just kept busy. Second one we did a vacation, it didn't even feel like Christmas. That has worked for me. I am tired of being sad and have decided I am the only one that can improve our situation. These things kept my mind busy which made me able to get through the holidays. It's very hard to move forward, there are so many emotions with all of this. I think keeping your mind occupied will help.

Thank you for this. This information is so helpful!!! Jennica

Beautiful! Sometimes I feel so blessed when I come to this site and find something I didn't even know I needed.

KrypticKat, so do I. Not really celebrities but peopleI just make up in my head. I don't like to fantasize about my husband because that will never happen again. I figure that wouldn't help my mental state either. But like you said the other could happen.

This will be my first year having to fill out this information. I have been surfing the web and couldn't really find what I wanted. I found some info here. I thought others might want to read it too. I was happy to have found this. I have not made up a spreadsheet or anything though. Input on anything else would be great. Serpico mentioned that someone stated to mark that nothing had been saved, is this right? My goal has been to try and save for them for college. I have only been able to here and there but ultimately that is my goal.

Eug, you have no idea how much I needed that tonight. Thank you

Lately I have been feeling like was he ever here, did I make him up.? Is that not weird.? It’s like a dream, some memories are foggy or so far in the distance that I am having a hard time remembering what it was like when he lived here with us. I don’t know what has been going on lately, I have been a bit more emotional than usual. It could be the holidays approaching or that I’m tired. I don’t really know. It’s been 15 months. I have been feeling stuck for a bit. I have been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not letting go of the past. It’s safe here. I don’t have to leave my bubble or move on. If I stay were I am then I really can’t leave him. If I move forward then I am living a life without him. I’m struggling with this part. I think I have more grieving to do. I have not accepted that part yet, the living without him. I know I’m a bit all over the place. I just needed a spot to get my thoughts out. Jennica

I'm at 15 months. I've found myself thinking about him more lately and have been a bit more emotional than normal. I think the time of year gets hard though with the holidays. Plus I've found out that colder months I tend to get less sleep. He always did so much during the winter - stock piling wood, working with the wood burner, etc...it gets tiring. I still think, is this it? I'm always going to have this sadnesses during this life. Like there is just this lingering shadow over me I am never going to shake.

Also agree, very quiet. I used to come on every night right before I went to bed to read posts and to feel a bit normal I guess. I have to say, I haven't been jumping on because nothing new has really popped up. I too hold a lot in. I don't think my family wants to hear how lonely I am or that I MISS my husband so very much. Plus I don't want my parents to worry about me or the kids. I do tend to push my feelings down and just push through. Today, however, I had a good cry. I was playing with my almost 2 year old and she was laughing up a storm, so was I. Then i just started balling because my husband is missing this moment. Of course, I cut my good cry short because my 12 and 9 year old could walk in and ugh, just don't want them to see me like that. Thanks for starting this post Maureen. Prayers for you and your job search. Jennica

Mizpah Loved reading your post. Things like that perk me up a bit and put a smile on my face. So glad you shared.

Lately I have been wishing I was 3, 4, 5 years out from losing my husband. Maybe then I would know where life will take us. I personally seek out those that post about these times because I want to see if I can read a glimpse into the future. I am a little over a year out and feel like I'm at a stand still. I still feel like I can't believe my husband is gone but I am not balling my eyes out every day. We are still living in the same house. People have said wait a year and then decide if you want to move. I don't have a clue. I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a move I will regret or put me in a financial hardship. So I just wait. Life is just blah mostly. My kids are doing great, I spend time with my family (I enjoy their company). I wish I was really living though. When my husband was here, life was fun, I looked forward to spending the weekends together. When the weekends get here now well, it's just okay, maybe I can sleep in till 8 but that's nothing really to look forward to. So I'm just waiting.

Congrats! I am still in our house. It has been a little over a year. I find comfort in being here. I think the move would freak me out more because it would be a new beginning and my surroundings would be new so that would make everything scary.. especially being alone there. I too at times get freaked out about it just being me and the kids. I don't leave my windows open either at night time. I always make sure doors are locked. I am still telling myself one day I will buy that rifle. I would have no idea how to use it but I keep telling myself I'm gonna buy one.

Today marks the anniversary of losing my husband. I didn't want to tell the kids. I should never underestimate my children. Of course a child will know the date of losing a parent. We woke up early, my daughter had a volleyball meet today. On the way there she asks if today in the 26th. I tell her yes. She just looks at me with amazement and says I cannot believe it has been a year. She is 12. She just stopped me in my tracks. I cannot believe it either. I never imagined that our life would look like this. I can say that I have struggled with moving forward. I have come a long way. My first post that I ever made was about my kids. I wanted to make sure that they would be okay. My three children 12, 9, and 20 months seem to be happy and are doing good. We are starting our new year today.

I am right there with you. It will be 1 year very soon. Today I was in the bathroom sobbing, trying to be quiet, so I wouldn't upset the kids. Yes grief does suck.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be at a year at the end of this month. I know I have made progress but always wonder about the future. It's nice to read those that share their progression and also their struggles. So happy for you😊.

I don't have three but absolutely in love with James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go

BH2 and Bunny, that is good to know and even better to hear. I read this site almost every night before bed. I don't feel so alone when I come here. Sometimes I feel like I have widow stamped on my forehead when I head out the door. I know it's just me and I can't be picked out of the crowd. ☺️

Hi Bunny, You are further out than me, I am just at 11 months. That is the one question I ask myself ALL the time. I replay things in my head over and over. I hate it. I also reminisce good things too. I do this a lot driving and mowing the grass. I just don't want to think about him all the time. I'd like my mind to be at peace. I don't know if that sounds bad but it gets tiring. He just consumes my thoughts on a day to day basis. So when you say 5 years, I think ugh. 😔 Jennica

Swilson, you said it. It's like everything we have at some point it needs to change which makes at least me feel like I have to move on. I had to get a new fridge. It's just a fridge but he picked it out. He would always go big. When I picked out the new fridge I thought about what he would pick then I decided to be realistic. We don't eat a lot of meat or leftovers. We do not need an ice maker. Just a basic new fridge. It stinks but it's just a fridge. Still stinks though. I hated taking his name off the deed too. I was advised to due to anything in his name that could possably place a lien on the house.

MissingAC, I am right there with you. It has been 10 months since my husband has passed. Everything you said, I can relate. I can tell you that this site has helped me. I usually read something from here every night just to know I'm not alone. Jennica

I live in Ohio so it may be different but I went in 6 months later. In one month I received the back pay and the following month the regular scheduled payments started. I understand about not going in. I wasn't going to go in but I am glad I did. My husband didn't have life insurance so the monthly payments help.