Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

momtokam

On line dating vents and laughs......

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

"It was sweet, but this is what worries me."

I think you just summed it up for yourself Virgo. You are afraid that this won't last.  You also know that you are the one holding the reins.  I'm betting that the team of horses takes the carriage home once you ease up on the reins.  I would like to see this happen.  I could use some cheering up right now myself.

All my best wishes for success with your NG. 

  

Edited by Love2fish

Share this post


Link to post

Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.

Share this post


Link to post

You've just echoed what my girlfriends have been telling me. You're also right about me feeling like it won't last. He is the only man that I've been with other than my LH who makes me feel vulnerable. Thanks for talking, and the well wishes. Why are you down?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
12 hours ago, Virgo said:

We stopped seeing each other in April last year after he said "I love you" and I didn't say it back. We had been dating for 8 months. I had feelings for him, but I was keeping him at arms length. Saying I love you still felt like a betrayal to my LH for me. I just wasn't ready.

 

 

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
3 minutes ago, Virgo said:

You've just echoed what my girlfriends have been telling me. You're also right about me feeling like it won't last. He is the only man that I've been with other than my LH who makes me feel vulnerable. Thanks for talking, and the well wishes. Why are you down?

I think you were replying to me Jen,

re. why I am down.  I re-coupled 2 1/2 years ago.  I lost her last Friday, March 8 to cancer.  I have no regrets about the relationship.  I would do it again and I plan on doing it again when the time is right.

That article Leadfeather linked to is worth reading. The 5 phases mentioned in the article remind me of the phases of loss.  It's important to know that no two experiences are the same.  Some of us go through all the phases in order and some of us mix it up or skip certain phases completely.  

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post

Love2!!! Oh my goodness -- I am so sorry to read of your loss. No words other than {{{hugs}}} and know that I am lifting you to the light in prayer.

 

Yes, LF's article share is a good one.

Share this post


Link to post

L2F, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you had the time you had with her, and I am glad you had no regrets. And again, I am so sorry you have lost her.

Share this post


Link to post
4 hours ago, Leadfeather said:

 

 

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

Maybe I'm taking this article too literally, but I wasn't crazy about this section:

 

Quote

Phase 3: Only angels allowed

I am going to sound a little authoritarian and as if I am your parent. I apologize in advance but this is how I sound when I care a lot. This phase here is so important and this is where we begin to get the controls back. So here it goes: I cannot allow you to date or become friends with people who are not the kindest people you have ever met. That’s right they have to be so kind that you wonder if they are angels.

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

Share this post


Link to post
4 minutes ago, serpico said:

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

 

At a certain point I don't disagree. If I was getting back into the dating game at the place I am at now I can take the knocks and weed out the women who are wrong for me. But in the early days after the loss of my wife I was very raw and naive and I put my trust in several women I should not have, and was used. So I see this advice for those who are learning how to date again. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
25 minutes ago, serpico said:

Maybe I'm taking this article too literally, but I wasn't crazy about this section:

 

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

 

Yes, you are reading it too literally, and it's not written really clearly.  This is in the context of a middle phase, Phase 3, where a person could be really beaten up by a bad person.  I think we get more resilient later on (I know I did).

 

Rob T

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Interesting article, LF.

 

I too am in a serious relationship, and this is helpful. It has taken me longer to let go of my ideal.  Not to let myself be in a less than worthy relationship, mind you.  But maturing into something, evolving into something different.  Not to be so lonely to accept ill treatment.  But also not to hang on to the past life so tightly, I let the present slip out of my hands. 

 

I have told NG, with a gulp in my throat, that I would hope to love more deeply, with more appreciation as I don't want to take things for granted as I did in my only marriage  And that this marriage COULD BE better in some ways due to my loss and experiences.  That my love from my first husband made me able to love greater in a new marriage.  It took a lot to think that through without feeling I betrayed my LH, but it is moving that way. 

Anyway, thanks. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
8 hours ago, arneal said:

Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.

I'm worried that they'll get attached and things won't work out. I guess I have no control over that though. 

Share this post


Link to post

Love2fish I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you two had each other even for a short time. 

Share this post


Link to post

I just read the article and I can definitely relate to Phase 2. Thanks for sharing Leadfeather!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
3 hours ago, Virgo said:

Love2fish I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you two had each other even for a short time. 

Thank you and you are on the right track about short time.  It was the most intense love of my life.  I lost something precious but I have new family.  By mutual agreement I have a step son, daughter, and sister.  We've all gotten close the last few months and wish to keep it that way.  My sweetheart is still giving me treasure.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Love2fish said:

Thank you and you are on the right track about short time.  It was the most intense love of my life.  I lost something precious but I have new family.  By mutual agreement I have a step son, daughter, and sister.  We've all gotten close the last few months and wish to keep it that way.  My sweetheart is still giving me treasure.

That's a great attitude to have. Family isn't just blood. I hope you all stay close.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.