can't sleep

[DavidsKtBeth]

I'm supposed to be asleep right now, but for some reason the past few days I lay down and instantly the water works start.  I have flashbacks.  Tonight it started because I was cuddling with my best friend aka Cooper aka my main man aka my dog and for some reason I laid my head on his chest and my mind instantly went to laying on my husband's chest and hearing his heart beat then my mind flashed to the hospital room and laying my head on his chest and hearing nothing.  I knew I would hear nothing.  He was pronounced dead 2 or 3 hours before I finally made it to the hospital.  Now, I just want to lay on his chest and listen to his heart beat.

 

I have that feeling in your chest where it feels like a hole but at the same time you just want to rip and dig at the pain.  I want the feeling gone. I am so tired of this life.  I'm exhausted and everyone loves pointing out how tired I look, like everyday, seriously.  This is just how I look people! I am exhausted every minute of every day.

 

phew.

 

Did I mention someone congratulated me on getting married at work today?  I didn't change my last name through work except for legal documents so I wouldn't cause confusion and someone just found out.  I didn't have the heart to tell her Dave had passed away.  We were married May 29, 2015 and he passed away June 24, 2015 but I was working remotely at the time, people didn't even know I got engaged.  I actually told my boss we got married in the same email I told them he had passed away.  We had a court house wedding because I didn't want the attention and then Dave had to go and die and now I just have a lot of pitty.

 

 

ok. End rant.  As a reward here is a picture of my knight in shinning armor, the man who gives me a reason to wake up every morning,  Cooper.  This is a picture from when he was a puppy, if you're lucky you'll get to see more pictures of him

 

 

http://imgur.com/gallery/A8VqJVA

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you and your beautiful pup Cooper.

 

Life is terribly unfair sometimes and sadly, you are on the receiving end of that unfairness.  It just isn't right that someone so young should lose a spouse and be left to cope with that reality.  But it happens.  I'm glad you have this space to rant and express your anguish.  Many people in our lives cannot understand the feelings we have.

 

I can't truly understand how you feel.  I wasn't widowed my 20's, but instead at 47 and then again at 51.  I truly feel for those among us who have experienced widowhood WAY too young.  The process is really the same, however.  Somehow, we find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

 

Hang in there...and see your doctor if your lack of sleep persists.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[beth_krkswidow]

I have that feeling in your chest where it feels like a hole but at the same time you just want to rip and dig at the pain.  I want the feeling gone. I am so tired of this life.  I'm exhausted and everyone loves pointing out how tired I look, like everyday, seriously.  This is just how I look people! I am exhausted every minute of every day.

Exactly,  every word.

 

And Cooper is a sweetie!

[DavidsKtBeth]

The funny thing is usually I sleep too much.  I can easily sleep 12+ hours a night if I don't have to be up in the morning.  However, I clearly aged since someone at work today mention how I'm in my thirties.. Apparently I look a solid  5-10 years older than I am.  Maybe I should start wearing makeup lol

[MACC]

Up at 1:30am. Its now 3:30 am and I can't sleep. Went to wake  yesterday of coworker that unexpectedly died at 45. She was engaged and to be married in October. Heartbreaking to see her laid to rest in her wedding gown. Another beautiful life taken so soon. Triggering so many emotions. Overwhelming. Then daughter asks to sleep with me  and I let her because I know I didn't see her while I was gone at wake and she was missing me. Weekends is our time together. She tells  me she misses her dad and the last time she got to hug him was at the hospital. Breaks my heart.

 

I too have fond memories of laying on his chest listening to his hear beat. Thinking of calling in sick and sleeping when kids are at school but won't because I have to use my allowed sick days wisely and it is just the start of the year. Mental health day... not today. Does remind me to schedule a day off on my husbands angel date that is in April. Thought I could go to work last year and regretted that decision. Not a good day. Couple hours have to put my happy face on and get kids ready for school and go to work. Sorry I know this post is all over the place but I guess thats where my head is at right now.. all over the place.

 

Happy face outside... inside sad face...inside an exhausted emotional wreck.

[Amor]

I am sorry you are having a hard time sleeping.  The strangest moments caught us and the waves hit.  Sometimes knocking us to the ground others for a moment of silence with our beloved. 

Wishing you sweet dreams and restful nights with peaceful days.

Amor

[MACC]

Thanks Amor! Another late night its 2:54 am.I am hoping I can shake this off quickly.

[InOverMyHead]

Not that this is the best option but I have used sleeping pills from Walgreens to get to sleep. (https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/walgreens-wal-sleep-z-sleep-aid-softgels/ID=prod6187508-product)

 

I have used them to get back into a regular sleeping schedule when I have particularly bad nights.

[MACC]

Up at 3:30am. This is getting old. Maybe I will need to look into taking something(thanks inovermyhead)or maybe I need to get back into therapy. Over 2.5 years later am I heading back to square 1. God I hope not!

[MR]

Hang on everyone we all are in same boat. Around 4:35 Am but no sleep in eyes so seems like our destiny to wait till we force ourselves to sleep.

[Lmsmdm]

I certainly remember the constant lack of sleep. I too filled those voids with the screen. Ywbb, Facebook, Majong, etc.... later, dating sites were added, and chatting with boys...

 

Went to doctor and got sleeping pills. Didn't want a habit, so I listened to a tv doctor Colonel Potter from MASH...he kept his in his office, not his tent, so he had to think about it. Living in a 2 story colonial, I kept mine downstairs in the kitchen.

 

I finally listened to the many articles I read about sleep. Did I mention I am such I asshole when I lack sleep, I personally don't know anyone who can be a bigger asshole?

 

Keep the bedroom for sleep. No tv, no phone or tablet. None of it at least 20 min before bedtime. I watch tv until my bedtime, in a different room. My bedtime rarely varies, even on the weekend. My nightly routine before the sheets takes about 15 min. So, I am close. Since I have followed those rules, I am usually asleep within 30 minutes. The sleep aide is used maybe a month out of the year, and just a half a tablet to get me to sleep. I'm lucky as once I get to sleep, I usually stay there.

[Captains wife]

The problem is that lack of sleep feeds on itself and can exacerbate the grief and/or depression. I personally am not a big fan of pills so I try to find natural ways to get to sleep. Honestly, one of the best ways is just wearing myself out (between work, my son and fitting in an aerobic workout I can be very tired at night). I have also used relaxation yoga and meditation tapes. Agreed that screen time in bed can be terrible for sleep -  although I'm terrible at watching my iPad in bed when I can't sleep. Sending solidarity on the no sleep - I have a lot of my mind right now  so having trouble sleeping these days. Last night I just surrendered, got up at midnight and made myself a cosmopolitan and a small snack  and watched Girlfriends Guide. And I slept like a baby after that.