fairlanegirl Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Agree with both statements above, but a little male perspective. you shouldn't latch on to somebody if they are the wrong person just because of the above statements. Slow down, and I think it is ok to have more than a few relationships so long as a bunch of different men are coming through the door 3 or 4 different ones in a year. Other wise several years from now you may find yourself stuck with the wrong person. Every body seems great when things are new. With all due respect don't think there is anything particularly male about your perspective there. Most of us, male and female, have been around the block enough at some stage to not stick with the wrong person, I suspect. The thing of course is that unless you have an amazing support system with family who will take the children frequently, your children will see everyone you are with - future or no future, and let's face it, most often you don't know which it is initially. The worry is children getting attached to people only for them to go. No shared custody etc of course so you can't keep your relationships separate. Some here do manage that very well and I take off my hat to you - I'd get too frustrated! I got lucky I guess, reconnected with someone from my past and it has worked, but even that is a risk of course. Plus there is the thing that in some cultures, thankfully not mine, a woman will be judged more harshly for having multiple relationships than a bloke, who may be seen as 'lonely' and needing sex etc whereas women are supposed to be entirely devoted to their children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 She says there should never be serious dating or remarriage when kids are under 18, for divorced or widowed or never married. I will be forever grateful my mother did NOT listen to this silly advice as I had a step father who made my life, and the lives of my siblings and Mom, so much better with his love and generosity and amazing example of how to be a dad and a husband. I will defend my mother's decision to welcome him lovingly into our home. Dr. Laura doesn't live in my house, and here she is giving advice on a situation she has never lived through. Widowed/Divorced parents second guess their parenting decisions all the time, and then people come along offering their opinions. Many, many people choose to recouple, many others don't. I'm certain none of us should feel guilt for finding love and companionship. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents to live the rest of my childhood without their new spouses and in my case, it was the best thing for everyone involved, including my parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 My son was two weeks before his fourth birthday when his dad died suddenly. I am forever grateful to my LH (not my son's dad -- he was horrid. Sad he died like he did but that was not a good marriage -- but my second husband, who died last year) who was a FATHER to a little boy with special needs (autism) who needed that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Agree with both statements above, but a little male perspective. you shouldn't latch on to somebody if they are the wrong person just because of the above statements. Slow down, and I think it is ok to have more than a few relationships so long as a bunch of different men are coming through the door 3 or 4 different ones in a year. Other wise several years from now you may find yourself stuck with the wrong person. Every body seems great when things are new. With all due respect don't think there is anything particularly male about your perspective there. Most of us, male and female, have been around the block enough at some stage to not stick with the wrong person, I suspect. The thing of course is that unless you have an amazing support system with family who will take the children frequently, your children will see everyone you are with - future or no future, and let's face it, most often you don't know which it is initially. The worry is children getting attached to people only for them to go. No shared custody etc of course so you can't keep your relationships separate. Some here do manage that very well and I take off my hat to you - I'd get too frustrated! I got lucky I guess, reconnected with someone from my past and it has worked, but even that is a risk of course. Plus there is the thing that in some cultures, thankfully not mine, a woman will be judged more harshly for having multiple relationships than a bloke, who may be seen as 'lonely' and needing sex etc whereas women are supposed to be entirely devoted to their children. Yes this. I've been doing this widow Thing for over 9 years. Haven't had a revolving door of men...especially in the past 5 years...but certainly made some mistakes. My kids are (and have been for several years) some of the most well adjusted well rounded kids you will ever meet. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 His daughter just returned home from a week long trip to Disney with the high school marching band. She bought my 9 year old daughter a little Harry Potter souvenir. With her own money..total surprise to me (and her Dad) but she said she wanted to cause my daughter loves Harry Potter books. Her Mom found it in her suitcase..started grilling her about who it was for...daughter told her she went nuts. Daughter called her Dad crying..he calmed her down..He was here is the only reason I know..he didn't want me really knowing all the craziness. She didn't buy it for me...it was for a 9 year old kid...yet Momma goes off on her to the point she calls crying. This is the kind of nutso stuff I am talking about. Again..I am fading in the background saying nothing but good grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Sugarbell -- unfortunately, what you just described happens more frequently than you know ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 It's unfortunate. My boyfriend's kid's mom does things like tell their son that my daughter isn't his "real" sister (they're half siblings). If she's mad at my boyfriend, she will wrench him away at pickup, and refuse to allow him to hug his dad/my boyfriend. She causes scenes at nearly every pickup and dropoff, screaming in our driveway about whatever is making her angry about my boyfriend's existence that given day. Can you imagine living like that? It's not good for ANYONE. Terrible. I don't get it. I get the FEELINGS - the hurt or jealousy or anger or resentment or WHATEVER - but not the chosen expression of those feelings. Yuck. I don't mean this politically, so please no politics, but, "when they go low, we go high." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 Good advice...I'm taking the high road. It does make it awkward for me, because the daughter and I get along so well and do have a lot in common (it's easy for me to talk marching band and dance class because I took from her and my daughters instructor as a kid and same with band). She wants a female adult role model-her Dad has told me that she's over the moon that we are dating. I don't want to overstep-and make life rough on the daughter....but I am also just being me. Like if Mom wasn't crazy...I wouldn't think twice of making her a little Easter basket. I still give little ones to all 3 kids and I bought extra girl stuff today for her if I make her one. Then I thought "Oh shit her Mom might go nuts and she's the one who will have to hear about it not me"(It's just little Dollar Tree stuff nothing at all fancy/expensive-it's just what I always do and wanted her to have one too. Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 It's a tough line to walk and awful to have to overthink giving a girl a thoughtful little gift. I say just be you and let Dad talk to her about how to navigate the subject of you with her mom to minimize the negative reactions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 Luckily I am pretty good at predicting how crazies will react...Dodged a bullet Saturday morning...his daughter was playing in the band for our towns Chocolate festival-My daughter and I skipped it (even though NG and his daughter wanted us to go)...I knew her Mom would be in the area to pick her up at 2. And as predicted...she ran over to his sisters, Nieces, family during the parade (he was there) and caused a mild scene. Then started texting hateful texts at 11 at night when she found out we went to a friend of mines house for an Easter party. Then upset his son (whose 22) and daughter (15).. cause the son wanted to hang out with his Dad at his house (I wasn't there he lives out in the country).. But she said "Well I didn't want your soon to be siblings coming out here)" We've only been going out for 2 months. And they've been divorced for over 2.6 years...And she's dated dozens of men. He's awesome. She's bat shit crazy...like needs committed . Guess no relationship is perfect. Just staying one step ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Hugs, Sugarbell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Sugarbell - you are dealing with all this madness very well. I'm seriously impressed as this situation seems very toxic - and all caused by someone who can't control her emotions. I hope it's not creeping into relationship with NG. I'm dealing with a milder version of this right now and sometimes I'd rather just not deal at all. These people are lucky to still have the other parent, family etc in the picture and it makes me so angry when I see all these negative afflictions on others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 I think it helps that I knew of her since high school (we weren't friends but knew about her) and knew of him. Every person I have run into since we've been going out has said the same thing "Oh he's great ..and his ex is nuts"...she made quite a spectacle of herself over the past 10 years here. And she's only in my little town 2 days a week and has an apartment in the "city" 30 minutes away. Even my oldest son hears how crazy she is from his classmates (kids whose fathers went out with her, etc). No not affecting me and him. He doesn't talk much about it...but she's an emotional basket case. Her mood depends on who her latest man is and how things are going there. It's just bizarre behavior out of a 45 year old (well actually anyone). I'm just staying very low key here. He came to my sons baseball game last night and met my family...but that's a safe place I knew she wouldn't be. Maybe someone rich guy will marry her and she will move away. Oh I can hope. 😳 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Maybe someone rich guy will marry her and she will move away. Oh I can hope. 😳 Careful what you wish for. This is what's happening right now in my little world, and she's trying to take their son. It's costing us amazing amounts of money in lawyers' fees that we can't afford, and he might lose anyway, and only see his son twice a year. It's horribly upsetting. NO ONE wins in situations like this. Especially not the kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Wow - sorry Mizpah....that's awful... I hope the courts come to their senses and don't allow her to go with their son. My NG's ex is threatening to take their son (who is only in kindergarten) across the country to live nearer to her family and the current custody battle is terrible and expensive. I wish we could all find a way to deal with these exes who are making life difficult for all, especially the poor children. Sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 Ugh...that's awful for both of you-I really don't understand the selfishness with kids..Somehow their feelings and needs just get lost in all the ex drama. It's really sad..and I don't understand why a parents would want the child not seeing the other parent..It's almost like they've reverted back to middle school selfishness. NGs ex tirades (she started cheating in 2006..it was just a total mess) really affected his son who was only 12 when it started. And she's very controlling of this poor now 22 year old kid. The daughter luckily has him and all his extended family and is very grounded. But she's always upset when she's with her Mom and very on edge. I'm glad she's older so Mom can't take her across the country. But her Mom throws on her face all the time "When you graduate I am going to Florida...only 3 more years and I am leaving this place"--I've never been around this side of dating with toxic exes. I honestly feel like it's very middle school/high schooling except it's now involving kids too. She's not going to ever get a reaction at of me. I figure my best bet is to keep my nose in the air and pretend she's not around. I respect their daughter too much to ever have words with her Mom. All I can say is Karma is a bitch..and all her craziness is coming back to haunt her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Another one dealing with this. Ex took daughter out of state without permission - she'd probably get it if she formally requested it. At any rate, it IS very middle school, and all the more ridiculous when you've been through trauma that is real and not manufactured. I can't imagine denying a child a relationship with her father; it's the one thing I wish I could give mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 She's not going to ever get a reaction at of me. I figure my best bet is to keep my nose in the air and pretend she's not around. I respect their daughter too much to ever have words with her Mom. All I can say is Karma is a bitch..and all her craziness is coming back to haunt her. More than two years ago, after a particularly ugly incident (one-sided, I didn't engage), we decided it would be best if she were no longer allowed in our house and if I blocked her on my phone and in social media. It's worked really well. There's no new fodder for her to use except her baseless opinions and from whatever little snippets she thinks she knows from trying to pump their kid, if she does, and from what she imagines or speculates. And I don't have that anxiety every time I used to "have to" interact, always trying to dodge her trying to get me to talk $h!t about NG with her, or to try to get me to "open up," knowing she'd use anything I said later and twist it. For a while, I second-guessed the decision, thinking wouldn't it be nice if we could get along and get past it and be close? Wouldn't it be best for their son if we could all "co-parent" with love and good intentions and focused on working together for what's best for him? But slowly came to realize that not everyone is like me and that I was the only one of the two of us (me and her) that wanted that and that any kind of interaction/closeness would just feed the ugly crazy damaging stuff. Long-winded way of saying I think it's smart to avoid and ignore! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Mizpah, what an awful situation. Having never been divorced myself it's hard for me to imagine letting my own ego and hurt get in the way of what is right for my kids but you hear it happening way too often. Our lastest was an email from ex stating that after the school year ends she doesn't want them staying with us during the week and wants him to pay for the before school program so she can drop them off at 6:45 am before work (they are 6 &7) instead of getting on the bus here at 8:30 the 2 days she works. Her latest reasoning "it's nothing personal, I just love being a mom". Well, too bad, it's supposed to be 50-50 custody, he loves being a Dad and they love (and need) their time with him! I have a feeling he will be heading to court before long too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Oh dang Trying she sounds like a whack job!! and again it's "I love being a Mom...I I I " not what is in the best interest of the kids. Dropping a 6/7 year old off at 6:45 am instead of letting them sleep and get on the bus at 8:30? Yeah that's really good for them..NOT! It's just her way of having "control" instead of looking out for the kids. Again....Middle School selfishness. Ugh! Sorry you are dealing with that nonsense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 This stuff is so hard. I heard the stories due to my job, but being involved with someone with it is another ball game. My NG had bought a condo on purpose on a cul-de-sac with a huge Soccer park at the end of it, and a block from his kids' school, so another playground and being familiar to his sons. So, he had no yd. to deal with but two parks he could throw a rock to for his kids to access. His ex, a teacher, had the kids in that school as it had the best scores, though she taught elsewhere. Amazingly, when she moved to another school, she moved them to her school. Now, no one will say anything as she takes them with her, and her new school has the same scores, but how convenient to move them from their father's home district next to their school. The other drawback is the kids attend a school way out in the county, so they have no neighborhood friends to play with. Had they continued in the school next to Dad's house, they could have had opportunities for kids to play with in the neighborhood that attend their school. Some old time normalcy. Ex didn't care. Away from dad and convenient to her. No kids to play with in their neighborhood at either parents home as they are never there and the kids at their school live out in the county. More losses for the kids becasue of parent's decisions. SMH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Tybec, its that kind of selfishness that I just don't understand. Grown ups should be able to push aside their own egos and agendas and do what is best for the kids. None of these children asked for the divorce yet they pay a heavy price. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 24, 2017 Author Share Posted April 24, 2017 Met his Mom, sisters, nieces/nephews this weekend. They are great. They were having a large birthday party/dinner thing and invited 80 people (way onboard in my book but it was for his nieces new baby birthday) anyway..we went out Sat to help decorate and party was Sunday afternoon at 2. His daughter was getting dropped off by her Mom. Mother wasn't invited. I told them "She will come in..and I don't want a scene or anything at this little girls birthday party. " They didn't think she would. NG went up to my folks for lunch after church...he told his sister to text him when his daughter got there and we would head down. Sister called...daughter was there...Ex dropped her off..came in, strutted around..made everyone uncomfortable then left. They were appalled she came in scoping out the place for him/us. I know crazy. Better than most...continuing to stay one step ahead..but I know eventually we are going to run into each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Wow, SB. Just WOW. Keep up the good work of taking the high road. I went to NG's son's play. His ex was to be there, of course. Her family had been the night before. I felt nothing. I didn't have stress. I am no threat and have nothing to be concerned about. She came in, touched younger son's shoulder and went backstage. Didn't talk to him, really. I hate they are like this. Can be in the same place but their kids get the message that if it is the other parent's time, then off limits. HOW WEIRD for the children! They get it, the body language. The "actor" came out and talked to me and my DS afterwards instead of going to his mother. He knows the unsaid rules. NG asked if I saw his ex give me the look over. NOPE, didn't notice, not worried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Wow SB you are good at it, You are spending some time and brain to make sure no wanted scene is created. Happy that it worked out as you planned. I suppose it is worth thinking all this and avoiding as far as you can and hopefully she will get message. I suppose after some time our of the forum member can write book about Dating div..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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