mbanyard

Thank you. I won't say it's nice to know that others are in the same boat as I am, but I will say it's comforting. I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that people truly do not understand. For example, a very old friend messaged me today that another friend's daughter is in my city and stuck at the airport. I don't know this child at all, nor do I really know the mother, but I have been informed that I am expected to not only pick her up at the airport if she doesn't get out on standby this afternoon, but that I am to also house her tonight (I do not have a spare bed in my house) and feed her. This is all after I told them, once again, that I am a wreck as Christmas is in 2 days and I am alone. Why can people just not be respectful? I am in no shape to have to both taxi, and to accommodate a complete stranger. I need to go to the "f" you thread me thinks....Lord. MB

I think we all feel like that Beth....it's the most unfathomable, unbelievable thing that it's hard for our brains to truly grasp it. I know in every inch of my being that my DH is gone and has been gone since July, but that didn't stop me from coming home today and wanting to come in and tell him something; my brain just "forgot" for a second. It's hard and I don't think it'll ever go away, but I think we will all, in our own time, find a way to shoulder our burden and put our feet one in front of the other so we can move forward. That's what I'm trying to do each day....put one foot in front of the other and make some form of progress forward. It's the only way I know how to deal with this. Sending you virtual hugs at this most terrible time of the year. MB

That makes me the third musketeer I think. My DH was only 48, but he also died of cardiac arrest caused by a GI bleed. We also had no children, but have to fur babies....dog and cat. It is awful, and inconceivable, and unbelievable and just plain unfathomable all the time. To see your hopes, dreams, indeed your entire reality snuffed out in the time it takes to snap your finger is just wrong on so many levels. I will NEVER understand why this happened, I will NEVER understand why both his family and mine have abandoned me when I need them all the most, I will NEVER understand why friends just don't support (except as a like on a FB post now and again). At least you all do and we are all walking this road together. This holiday season I am thankful for people that I can talk to....so thank you! MB

Hello Everybody, Christmas is in 5 days and I feel...nothing. This entire week so far has been this odd kind of limbo, where I know it's the first MAJOR holiday without my DH, but where I cannot motivate myself to do anything....and I mean anything. (My house is a mess and I have SO MUCH to do for my business year end that it's a little frightening). I had thought I'd cry the entire holiday season, so this weird neutral has got me a little freaked out. (Doesn't help that NOBODY, not friend, nor family, has bothered with me much at all....so I'm alone and freaked out ) Anybody else feel this their first holiday? Thanks for your input, MB

Indeed Beth.....being in upper Canada is a bit of a handicap on my end. At least we can stay in touch this way! M

Me too! Oh maybe someday Beth......maybe someday! Thanks folks, MB

Thanks Julester. I have had 3 divorcees not only group me with them, but expect me to be their counsellor....and during my first major holiday season without my DH. Better still was the "friend" (note the quotes) who compared my current life turmoil and upheaval to being the "same" as when she lost her job. YES>...you did read that correctly. It is nice to know there are people here who "get it" and to whom I can come when I just cannot take it anymore. Thanks for being one of them! MB

Hey All, I have come to vent....just a little, as too much will bring me crashing down...again. I have just hit a wall tonight and just need to get it off my chest. (Thanks in advance). Why is it that people just simply cannot follow through? In the past 2 months, I have had piles of people make plans with me and then blow me off at the last minute....none of whom had a good reason at all, like a family emergency or a work issue etc. etc...they just decided they didn't want to go after THEY asked ME. (My favourite was the one who cancelled on me after I was already at the restaurant waiting for them). While I know that the holidays brings challenges for all, and people are all really busy nd stretched very thin, I am frightfully tired of people telling me that they "understand" what I'm feeling, that they "know" it's hard to be alone in the home I shared with my DH during the holidays, that it's "good" for me to have space on my own. Next they'll tell me that it's "awesome" for me to be clinically depressed and "so good" that I have a quiet space to enjoy on my own. (Right up there with the person who told me I was "lucky" that I was able to pay some debts off with the life insurance monies) LUCKY? REALLY? I certainly don't feel "lucky" to be lonely all the time. I don't feel "lucky" that I get to be completely alone for the holidays and I don't feel "lucky" to have the "honour" or "privilege" to have gone through the traumatic death, funeral and cremation of my husband this year. While I can understand that, thank goodness, people don't truly have a frame of reference for what we are all dealing with, but to say a person is "lucky" when they have lost their partner and soulmate seems unusually insensitive and cruel, especially right now with Christmas approaching. I just want to smack all their heads together and tell them all how "lucky" they would be to be in my shoes. (I don't though, as I am sensitive enough to not want to ruin anybody's holiday season....no point in all of us being miserable). There...vent done...thank you for letting me get it off my chest. MB

Hello Danette, Boy does your post speak to me! I have lost my father, my mother, one sister, one brother, and now my husband. I had never lived alone in my life, having left my parents home to live with my husband. I have no major wisdom to give you, other then to say that what has made this easier for me is to make some changes in my home that makes it MY space rather than OUR space, and to them spend time in this space allowing myself to learn about what it is that I want, what I need, what these tragedies have taught me and how they have shaped my path going forward. There is no easy way, but it's a journey we all must take, in our own time, and at our own pace. Give yourself permission to adjust at your own rate, and tell yourself it is ok that it's difficult. Many kind thought coming your way! MB

Beth. I am so sorry that this happened to you in this way. It is a bit of a smack in the face. I have had headstone issues too....in fact, I had to fire the company who was making it as they made such a terrible, terrible mess of things. (It's been really stressful, as now our family cannot even inter due to policies in the cemetery which require the stone to be in prior to interment of ashes). I don't know which way is worse, but they are certainly both incredibly hard. I do want you to know that you're not alone though and there are people who understand. Stay strong during this holiday trial many of us are now having to endure. MB

Thanks! Today is a little better, but yesterday just needed a complete re-do. MB

I am so glad I found this thread today.....deep breath. Fuck all those people who said they were there for me and to ask for anything t all, anytime, because they clearly meant just up to the point of the funeral. Fuck the so called friends who never call, never check up and never have time to spend time together, for they think I'm so strong I can do it alone. Fuck the family members on my side, who think liking a post on Facebook means they are being supportive. Fuck the family members on his side, for leaving me completely alone because visiting is "too hard for them| Fuck the car lease people, who made me spend my hard earned money to prove to them that my DH had nothing to his name, with which to pay out their fucking lease. Fuck all the neighbours who could not be bothered to even express their condolence on my loss, even though my DH did all kinds of thing to help them. Fuck the asshole boss of my, now former job, who thought it was acceptable to yell and scream at a bereaved widow because I could not focus 110% two weeks after losing my husband. Fuck those people who flirt with you, and make you think that you might actually not end up alone for the rest of your life, only to find out that you were being used to make the person they really wanted to date jealous. Fuck not having the one person in the world who understands you still by your side. and Fuck the roller coaster of emotions, the lack of drive, the lack of future plan, and the fucking insomnia that has me up at 1:15 a.m. (again). Ah...that feels better.......great thread all! Thank you. MB

Thank you so much everybody. You have voiced some of the things I have already been thinking, so I think I'm on the right track after all. Thank you for the ear, and kind shoulders to lean on! Misty

Morning All, I made it through Thanksgiving (Canadian - so October)...well sort of. I am unsure of how I'm going to be able to cope with the Christmas Holidays, and wonder if you can share your wisdom about ways to handle this. (It's my first MAJOR holiday without my DH and both his family and mine have not been communicative in the least since his passing...the week after the funeral they all kind of left me to fend for myself, as they took care of each other). Little wisdom would go a long way right now! Thanks, Misty

I hate to say "thank you" as it's pretty clear that, on some level, we're all screwed . It does make me feel better to know that what I'm experiencing is also being felt others. I guess we'd better all just hang on for the ride and see what happens. MB

Thank you both. Your words make me feel like I am on the right path. Most appreciated. M

Hello All, I have jumped the rails and come to your thread area, as I feel like I'm in that "in between" phase of things. I am at 5 months, not as raw as I was, but not yet back together. So....here I am...hello. I have so many things all going on at once that it's hard to keep everything straight in my head and to determine whether I am on the right track, if things are as convoluted as they seem, or if they are normal. Let me share some of them with you and, if you would be so kind, would you please "chime in" so I know I'm not losing it. * I am still finishing the administration of my DH estate, where there have been several serious bumps in the road, which are all stressful and just make me ill to have to deal with; * My DH won't be interred until the Spring now as I'm in Canada and the monument dealer screwed up BIG TIME so we're 3 months behind - so this means I have an interment hanging over my head and complicating an already complicated going forward; * I am pursuing a wrongful death investigation, but am in limbo as the coroner has still not released the autopsy; * I have made so many little changes in our/my home that it makes it easier to be in, but wonder if I'm doing it all too quickly and if it's wrong to erase his presence here all around me; * I quit my second job so that I can focus more on my music career and moving it forward and I have the savings to take up to a year to do that, but it makes me feel lazy to have any time at all to myself, as I am used to going 24/7 flat out with 2 jobs plus, plus; *I have been using the resources of friends of mine, who are hair stylists, make-up artists and nail specialists in order to get back to the roots of what it means to be a girl....hair, make-up, clothing, nails, etc. I haven't done ANY of this in 25 years, except when on stage and it feels weird, and good at the same time; * I have come to realize that I've had a negative self image for a long, long time. I have started going to the gym and changing my diet, have lost 30 lbs (of the 50 I wanted to lose), and have been told I look "sexy" and "curvy" which is VERY foreign to me, as my DH never told me I looked good...ever (though I know he loved me very much); * I have started to notice that other men are attractive and to consider the "what if" of the compliments and minor flirting that some are doing with me. (and I feel guilty, but know I don't want to be alone forever either; I have NEVER dated as an adult though, having met my DH at 17, and that scares the hell out of me); * I am looking at what I want for the first time in my life and feel selfish for not considering that my moving forward more quickly might be difficult for my in-laws and our mutual friends, though I appear to be being encouraged by these same people to do just that, based on some of their comments. All that to say that I am in a complete whirlwind and am not sure if I should grab onto something to stop the ride and re-assess, or if I should just go with it. I also know my grieving, though the most painful and heart wrenching of my life, was made easier as I have previusly lost both my parents and two siblings, but I fear that my relative ease has made people very angry with me too. So...yeah.....pretty confused at the moment, if I'm honest. Thanks for any guidance you, who are further along, can give. MB

I hear ya....and I get it. I still have days like that a well. For me, I have forced myself to do, first one thing that day, then two, then several. It's not easy, but it was the only way forward for me. I hope you can find your path as well. Thinking of you! Misty B

Oh Beth. I'm so sorry that so many of us can relate to what you're saying here. It is the hardest journey that any of us will take, and one that none of us ever thought we'd take at this point in our lives. I find myself almost daily going through some period of "seriously????" and "how can it be over 4 months." The reality for me is that it has been, he is gone and he is not coming back. (I even called out to him when I came home a few days ago.....and then it all comes crashing back down to the start.) It is incomprehensible for us to accept that our life partner has gone on without us and we are here alone. Sure, we all know on some level that one of us will leave before the other and that one will be left, but nobody thinks it will happen to them and surely nobody thinks it will happen to them before you have grown old together. All I can say to you at this point is that I am allowing myself to approach things as they come to me and to get through them one hurdle at a time....the next minute...the next hour...the next day.....the next event. We have no choice but to get through them, so I have set myself daily goals to allow myself to try to feel some forward momentum in the morass of misery. Today, for example, my goal is to tidy the vanity, order gifts for my family on the other coast online, go for a nice long walk with my pup, and be kind to myself in some way. Perhaps some sort of short term goal setting would be helpful for you, but as our journeys are all unique, perhaps it won't be. Might be worth a shot though. Hugs and Support to you, Misty B

I am at 14 weeks and I have had similar thoughts. How am I functioning? How am I having an OK day? Is all of this real or was it/is it all a dream? I think the reality is that we are all going to have good days and horrific days and that we cannot expect more. Our husbands loved us dearly, and we them, but they would not want us to remain broken forever. They would want bus to find a path forward which allows us to find some peace or happiness for the rest of our mortal existence. This is what I am telling myself and the only thing keeping me centred. I hope you are able to find some peace and stability too. Mb

" I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. " Boy....do I ever know what you mean here. Some days I am almost ok and then BAM, out of nowhere I am completely broadsided by it all again and slide right back to the beginning. I also find that only those who have lived this hell can even come close to understanding what we are dealing with. That doesn't mean that there aren't those who have not experienced loss who want to help, and do help in their own way. They just cannot possibly get to the same place that we all are....nor would I wish them to. I also have a lot going on, and MANY people trying to provide me with distractions. Most of the time it is completely ok, and other times I just need to curl up in my jammies and cry for the day. I think that both of these things are totally fine and that we can only do what we can at any given day, hour, minute, second. I was exactly like you until a week or so ago...I prayed every day that something, ANYTHING, would just take me to be with him. A week ago I was reminded of my university friend's little girl, 5 years old, who had so much to live for an died of an aggressive children's lymphoma. The realization that I had been left here for a reason is what has driven me forward. I am now trying to do as much good as I can for others, and all in my late husband's name. The other thing that I find has been helping me is writing a journal to my DH every night. I tell him about my day, my plans for the next, how I am feeling, what that day was like and how hard it was to go through it without him. I basically treat it as the discussion that we would have normally has each day. It\s my way to stay connected to him, but in a different way. I hope some of this helps you to find a way to cope. I cannot personally get past that "just cope" stage yet, so I have no other insight to offer you, except to say keep coming here. These people have all helped me to find my path, when those physically around me could not. Hugs MB

Thank God! I was starting to wonder, to be honest, if this meant I was losing it. Thank you all MB

Hi Everybody, I have noticed a pattern developing. I seem to NEED to make little changes in all the rooms in my house.....as in I am really driven to do so. Did anybody else experience this sort of thing? I think it might be a protective instinct on the subconscious level that is driving it. Slight changes, like a new set of throw pillows, make the room just different enough that it is no longer "our space" in the way that it was. I am not going to knock it, as the "new" spaces allow me to breathe and help with the overwhelming feelings of memory in our home. Perhaps it's a good thing...I'm just not sure. MB

Yes it does. I was always the same way. I find that our mutual friends, even my DH besties, have been telling me that I need to consider the possibility going forward, as he would not want me to be alone for the rest of my life. It's a hard pill to swallow though...I thought he and I would be together for the rest of my life.

I hear ya. I have had the first signs of some sort of emotional reprieve this week, though I was totally incapacitation at Canadian Thanksgiving.....I could not get out of my PJ's one day at all. For me it is just trying to get through one hour, one task, one day, one interaction...and all the while telling myself that he would not want me to not be ale to function. I know THAT is true. On a side note, for those who knew about my impressions about how terribly things were going at work for me. My doctor agreed (was horrified actually) and put me on 3 weeks leave. I took the opportunity to use that as my exit cue and am now working on building my artistic activities to the point that I won't need to take a job like that again...I hope. It is hard to be where we all are. I am thankful for having people to speak to who understand. Thank you, MB