mbanyard

Welcome bluegreen. Like everybody else I'm really sorry you're here too, but glad you're among people who understand. I have had people talk about my DH constantly in the last three months right through to the neighbour who strenuously avoids me because she doesn't want to acknowledge what has happened.| I am learning that people will all come to the table with their own experiences and expectations which color how they approach us, the grieving. I am learning to just roll with it and pick up on the physical cues that there is discomfort there. Hang in there....there are none of us alone! MB

I completely understand. My husband passed 13 weeks ago today and I was also doing ok. Suddenly yesterday, it hit me so hard I spent most of the day in bed in my PJ's. I think we're both normal and this is part of it, but it's nice to know somebody else is dealing with this to. MB

That's just it....I do feel guilty, yet I personally did nothing at all in this situation. I was not flirting.....I was merely a witness to it, if that makes sense. Perhaps the guilt comes from the fact that I could, technically, have reacted to this as I am now all alone. Who truly knows though. Just another one of those "things" that will come up on this awful roller coaster. Thanks for your feedback folks. MB

Hello All, I went to see a friend play for the release of his 9th CD on Friday night. After his first set I went to speak to him and congratulate him....we have been friends for a couple of years now and he had done a great job so I wanted to tell him so. (I should add that I took my DH best friend with me, as he also enjoys blues). We went to speak to my friend, and he told me that I "looked amazing" (which was nice to hear, but also VERY weird). I told him thank you and that I "cleaned up well" (note: not wearing anything fancy at all...jeans a button up....we went to a bar after all). The response was "Yeah, you SURE DO". Now....I was flattered, as hearing somebody tell you that you look pretty is good for your self esteem. Having my VERY attractive friend tell me, however, felt both weird and VERY wrong. My husband has only been gone for 3 months, WTH business do I have looking good enough to be complimented by anybody, let alone somebody who is attractive. (I should say that my husband really liked this friend of mine and would often joke that he and I had more in common than he and I did) Somebody please tell me I'm crazy for feeling guilty about this, so I can fathom it out for myself. Thanks MB

Hi Kim, My husband also went suddenly, 3 months ago yesterday. I am also having intense crying sessions with "otherworldly" sounds in there as well. It's hard. he was only 48 and I am only 42....it is WAY TOO YOUNG to be a widow. We were robbed of 40 more happy years together, and not a day goes by that I don't wish that there was a way to make things different. There are only a few things keeping me from following through on the thoughts of joining him in the ever after...and this group of kind people is one of them. Thank you all for understanding. MB

Indeed Euf. That is EXACTLY where I am right now...right down to the garden. Thank you for allowing me to not feel so alone, at the 3 month mark. MB

Hello. I was 3 months yesterday and I have mixed feeling all the time. This truly feels like a roller coaster, all the time. Hang in there, you're not alone! MB

Boy can I relate to your post, except that my husband and I were never able to have children, but we do have two of the four-legged kind. My wonderful hubbie left on July 23, so you and I have been in this leaky, pitching boat for about the same amount of time. I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter with the biggest bully in school most days....one step forward and five backwards. I am numb and broken. All I want is him and he is the one thing I cannot have. My employers are showing about as much sympathy as a rock and I absolutely HATE my job, especially as it's been so hard to get motivated to drag myself out of bed and face the day. All of this to say that I understand 110% what you're saying and you are not alone....none of us are so long as we can come here and talk about it. MB

Thank you all for replying. I wont say it's nice to know others feel, or felt, like I do right now. It does bring me some peace to know that I am not alone. It is Thanksgiving Day here in Canada, or the day I will now refer to as "The day all those people who have been ignoring you realize you are all alone and try to overcompensate" It has truly been a horrid weekend, despite being able to spend some time with his family (which still seem like a club I'm no longer invited to be part of - they all know everything that is going on with each other, but have not shared any of it with me), and with a family we were close to (THAT, was oddly comforting and it seemed that he was there too, as we got lots of signs....the music channel on the tv kept up a steady stream of titles that made sense when you looked at what we were all discussing). I am trying to find my way forward, but I know I am simply stuck in the right now, which is a terrible, lonely place to be. At least I can come here to speak to people who understand. Thank you again.

Hello All, I am so confused by this all. I'm 11 weeks, today actually, into this hellish existence and I just feel like I'm going through the motions...I'm existing, but not living. I don't truly care about anything...why bother caring, if people are just going to be taken anyway with no rhyme nor reason, and exactly right at the point where you've both started to feel so completely attuned an in sync. Even my husband's parents are at a place where they are taking about leaving to "fly south" this winter. (All I could think was "how can you even consider anything of the sort when HE IS NOT HERE) I am trying so very hard to just put one foot in front of the other, and get the tasks I needed to do completed. It worked really well for the first 8 weeks....mind you I could barely eat or sleep the first 8 weeks. I am now able to hold food down, and can sleep without waking up screaming every night, but I am also in a dark place where I don't want to leave my house....I just want to curl up in bed and just never leave it again. I cry every single day, sometimes so hard that it makes me ill. Should I not be finding that strength that every keeps telling me I have? The truth is that I still, even after 11 weeks, feel like I just spoke to him and I have called out for him twice this week. This is my worse nightmare brought to life and I truly cannot see my way out....though I do a good job of "appearing fine" at work and in public, since it is what is "expected" of me. I still find myself wishing that I could have changed places with him. He was so well liked and had so much to give to the world. People needed him. Me? People don't even see me. Before this I was ignored because he was such a bright light, now I am ignored because I either remind people of the bright light which was extinguished, or because they don't want to have to try to speak to me and experience my pain. I am just lost and don't know how I am ever going to find my way alone.

I am at week 10 and I am just now having days where I don't want to get out of bed and face reality. The first 5 weeks I was totally numb and just going through the motions. (As you all know now, I had no choice but to go back to work and it's a MAJOR challenge every single day). At week 6 I was still not sleeping and not able to eat much (I'd lost 26 lbs in those 6 weeks - not he best way to lose extra weight). It was determined that I had PTSD from the hospital taking me into the trauma room twice and having me stand, helpless, beside his bleeding body, then having me walk him to the OR that he would not come out of alive. (I WILL do something when I'm able to try to ensure that NOBODY ELSE is taking into a trauma room like that again) At week 9 I began to sleep, but now I am having trouble getting up, trouble focussing, and just generally having trouble trying to give two shits about anything going on anywhere. I am at a place where I am wondering what exactly the point is. Without the strong support system around me, and here in this forum, I think I would have joined him several weeks ago. I am trying every day, and I think that's all any of us can do. Get through the next minutes, the next half hour, the next hour, the morning, the afternoon, and try to repeat. Just know you are not alone. MB

Thank you all. I just had a good weekend after an absolutely horrendous week. One of my bosses put her ineffectiveness on me and blamed it on my grief this weel...as in "your grief is making you make mistakes" I wanted to shout "well duh" but I did not....I just sat there and let her run a tirade about how much my inability to focus 110% of the time was making it hard for HER. I genuinely wanted to ask her if she thought she'd do any better if her husband died and her bosses were insensitive a$$es. I know my DH DID NOT like these people and, for all that I need the job, I am not sure how much longer I can stick it out with people who choose not to see what is before their eyes....and employee who is coming in 30+ minutes early per day, taking half a lunch break....all in the hopes of ensuring the work gets done DESPITE her personal horror story.

People keep telling me that, after 9 weeks now, I will begin to have some "good days". I have now had a couple and they, in many ways, are harder than the "terrible" days. How can I have a day where I don't sob uncontrollably....that's not fair to my DH, who is not here to have good OR bad days - he gets NO DAYS? How dare I laugh at a joke or have a day where I feel content with my work? Just so much guilt on these days. It's all so confusing....and feels a little like trying to walk on a mixture of hot, cold, and warm coals.....you never know which one you're going to step on. I have also gone from not being able to sleep at all really in the first 8 weeks to not being able to get up easily now. I am numb to the point of not recognizing myself in the shell that remains. I have also asking myself why I even bother, as nothing has any meaning to me without him here to share in it with me. I feel lost.....only more so on days when I'm "o.k." if that makes sense to any of you at all. I guess I just didn't needed to say this all to others who will "get it" without any judgement. Thank you for listening, MB

I a so sorry for your loss, but glad you found this group. My husband died unexpectedly 8 weeks ago and I don't think I would still be upright without the lovely people in this group and their ability to verbalize everything I am thinking and feeling. Thinking of you and your children at this difficult time. MB

Thanks all. It makes me feel marginally better to know that you are as appalled as I am about this. Not only have I been handed that estate file, I was expected to stay in a room today while to my bosses talked about somebody who "dropped dead." These people have not a clue between the 9 of them with respect to being sensitive in this situation. If I hear the words "dead|, "death" , "cremation" etc too many more times, then I'm going to snap. My psychologist is a personal friend of the managing partner of this firm, which has no benefits at all. I am going to speak with her this week and, hopefully, she'll put a word in with the BIG boss and it'll be handled. Thank you all for your support of what has been so, SO hard. Misty

I am so sorry for your loss. I quarrelled with my husband the day that he passed suddenly as well, so I can understand the guilt that you are feeling. The psychologist I'm working with pointed something out to me this week, which might be of use to you at this terrible time: " Your husband loved you 365 days of the year for the years that you were together. One quarrel, though poorly timed, does not undo all the love that you shared, nor does it make you responsible for what happened to him" In your case, please remember that the fault lies with those who were driving those vehicles, and not with you because you put distance between you and he due to a fight. Everybody in this forum totally understands the horrible reality that is losing your spouse. Hang in there! MB

If they cashed your cheques for that policy they have to pay it out. They took your money and would have a hard time explaining to a court why they wouldn't pay out in that case. Good luck with this aspect of things. I just finished jumping through those hoops and ended up feeling "dirty" and "guilty" at the end of it, though this is exactly why we have insurance....to allow one to pay off the collective debt. MB

I wish with all my heart that I could go back to the time before this horrific loss happened. I spend every day just trying to put one foot in front of the other, and ensure that I eat and sleep some each day. It's been two months of complete hell for me, and I too feel like grief is the monkey on my back, whispering of my loss during the one moment where I might laugh at a joke a co-worker has told or comic on television. I wish that somebody could find a way to make this process less incapacitating and I wish for all of you that you will find some solace in your journey.

I was not given much (any) choice in when I was to go back to work. My bosses simply said...you have 2 weeks no questions asked and that I was expected back to work on X date. I was not given the option of any type of part days or transition, or indeed any real compassion of any kind. I was chastised my first week because I was "caught" quietly crying at my desk while a document printed. The second week I was given an Estate File to work on. (I work in a law firm). There were 4 other people that could have taken that file, but it was given to me on purpose. I am pretty angry and bitter on the whole this week, but I know that I was not ready to go back to work. I had no choice though if I wanted to keep my job. I hope your employers are more sensitive to your needs at this most horrific time, MB

have been writing to Brent every single night since he left. I know he hears me, as there have been a number of signs. It doesn't change the fact that we are not physically together now and my heart is broken into a million pieces as a result. I'm not sure I will ever be whole again....and I don't really want to be if it means being without him. It is just so wrong that somebody so well loved by everybody he met, and so full of spirit and positive energy was taken. I spend every day wishing that it had been me instead an that I could change places with him. He deserved to live a very long time and had so much to give to those around him. I am glad you're able to pray, but I am not even speaking to God right now. I just cannot understand how he could take this wonderful man away from so many, forty years minimum before he should have gone. This might change in time, but right now I just don't understand how HE could take my soul mate away when he already took both my parents, my brother and my sister. They say that HE doesn't give you anything that you cannot handle, but I disagree this time. This loss is one too many for my fragile spirit to take. I wish you all the best week ahead that any of us can have. MB

I am also very sorry for your loss. Like the others here I too have lost my wonderful husband. It was two months yesterday for me as well. As with the rest of you I put my brave face on when at work or out in public, but I really am not this "strong" person that they think I am. I miss my husband with all that I am. I cry myself to sleep every night and our home is so very quiet without his laugh...his spirit. I truly do not know how I am to move forward without him. He was taken so suddenly that there were so many more things for us to say...so many plans and dreams that are unrealized. I sincerely hope that we may all find a way to help each other. MB

"Happiness seems so foreign to me now so instead I focus on survival" Truer words have not been spoken my friend! I think this is the true key to survival through this horrific experience...focus on surviving for a minute, an hour, a day, a week....just surviving. I also feel overwhelming guilt. Guilt about now knowing he wasn't well, guilt about not being able to save him through I stood right beside him as the team of 15 tried to save his life in that Emergency room, guilt because I'm here and he is not, guilt about having a day where I can get out of bed and not cry the entire day, and guilt about being able to eat or sleep that day. (Why should I, he cannot.) It's not nice to know that there are so many of you who are dealing with this excruciating pain along with me, but it is nice to not feel like I am alone in having these feelings. Thank you all for that. MB

That sounds really hard and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. My DH's family tried to convince me to sell our home a couple of weeks ago (my DH passed on July 23). I could not do it for a lot of the reasons you state, even though it's also REALLY hard to be here without him too. In your case, though it is very difficult, I would like to encourage you to think of the safety of you and your kids, since you say the house is literally falling apart. Perhaps thinking of it as a necessary move, where you have no choice, will help (?). Hang in there through this...you are not alone! MB

Thank you for sharing your story. While I don't anticipate dating again, ever, as my Brent was my soul mate through and through, I recognize that some people can and that whatever works for each person is totally fine. It is 6 weeks today since I lost him and I just found out last night that my eldest sister has a brain tumour and won't be with us much longer. Just as I thought I was getting to the point where I could almost pretend to function in polite society, this one simple fact has taken me back to the first week all over again, with all the rawness, overwhelming sorrow, and sobbing that accompanied those even earlier days. (Oh...and I found out yesterday that I am also battling PTDS with possible clinical depression to boot). My world was my husband and now that he is gone I just don't know who I am or what I'm to do/be/say anymore. I am alone more than I have support of any kind and, frankly, most days I just don't want to be here - I want so desperately to be where I can talk to him again...even for a moment. I am so good at being supportive of others, and I'm here for you all. I am terrible at looking after myself.

Thank you all for being so understanding and for sharing with me. I told my brother in law how I was feeling tonight and he reassured me that they are all here for me and that they are not going anywhere. It seems that in avoiding me they were actually avoiding our home because it was too difficult for them. I am now going to go visit them this week. So progress is being made and that weight is slowly lifting off my chest. We ARE all in this together and now they know that I need regular contact with them to try to mourn with them together. Thanks again all, MB