mbanyard

This is so beautifully written, and so very true on all counts. Thank you for writing it, and thank you everybody for understanding.

I hear ya Hannah. I am starting to hate the word "strong" as well...and for the same reasons. (I lost my DH on July 23) The other one I am hearing is "you've always been a survivor so you'll get through this too" We are all very good actors/actresses when we need to be. People who don't know perceive that as "strong" when we are falling apart on the inside completely. There are lots of people here who understand what we are all going through and that is a blessing that I just found today. Hang in there. MB

I just got home from a first dinner with my FIL, MIL, BIL, and SIL and I am a wreck. This dinner was to celebrate my FIL's 71st birthday. When I arrived everybody acted like nothing was different and the family watched A COMEDY together (!!!). I know they were probably trying to distract me and themselves, but it was so hard to watch them act like everything was fine. (Especially when they have been avoiding me because they all know I'm NOT fine) Then the dinner itself happened...at the same table as always. There was a place set at the empty chair beside me, where he always sat. (turns out that setting was for our nephew, who was joining us later). I looked up and there was my beautiful boy, in all his handsome glory, smiling down at me...through the entire meal. (it's a wonder I could eat anything, which is not unusual right now, and how I didn't vomit right there I will never know.) If all this wasn't enough, my FIL took me into his office alone at the end of the meal to ask me when I was free to go with him and pick a monument. Although hard to hear, I handled that ok. When he then proceeded to ask me (1) If he and his wife could take some of my DH's ashes to keep in the house with them and (2) If I intended to inter the box with him, or if I would take the ashes out and only bury those. Now I am back in my too empty home, sobbing uncontrollably and trying not to be sick. How can one even attempt to survive this desolate wasteland of their life, with their everything gone, when those who should be feeling the same way are being this cruel. It feels like I will not survive this... and that might be a blessing as the pain might stop then.

I am also new here, having lost my DH on July 23, completely unexpectedly and out of the blue . I can relate to how you're feeling perfectly, as I feel exactly the same way. We had so many plans, so many dreams, and we were just so happy. I don't think we even realized how strong and special our bond was, though all of our friends did. With his sparkling blue eyes and warm smile how could our bond be anything other than incredible. Now, after 25 years I have lost my soul mate, indeed my everything. Like yourself, I am feeling like I have completely lost myself in all of this. I have a strong, supportive group of friends, but now that I am past the month mark many of them are starting to seem uncomfortable with how shattered and completely bereft I am. (How could I not be...he was my everything and now he is gone and I am all alone, for the first time in my life). To top it all off, my FIL, MIL, BIL and SIL have started to distance themselves from me, whereas in the first three weeks they were all super supportive and had indicated that we would all get through this as a family; guess I didn't know that I no longer truly fit their definition of "family." They are my only family in this Province (I'm Canadian). They do try to pretend otherwise but when I don't hear from anybody for a week and check in to see how they are and get "we're fine" and nothing else, it's pretty clear. Today I have to go and try to "keep it together" so that I don't "spoil" my FIL birthday dinner. Now I am rambling, and have high-jacked your post somewhat. I'm sorry. I had meant to just say that I understand how you're feeling and where you're coming from as I'm at almost the exact same place myself. Thank you to everybody here. From what I've read so far I know that being able to share with you all, who seem to understand completely the sense of emptiness one feels at this time, is going to be so very welcome...and helpful. MB