Captains wife

Interestingly - 2 of my closer widower friends(both with young kids) recoupled within a year and remarried. Most of the  widows I personally know are not remarried several years out- myself included. Im not sure what the statistics show but personally I haven't wanted to recouple while I still had a lot of healing to do - and now I'm getting more and more used to my single parent status (as I've always been pretty independent). I am inclined to think men may marry more quickly to rebuild a more complete family unit for their children. I know if the tables had been turned my husband would have re-married very quickly. I wonder if many females are willing to hold out for longer for what they perceive as the "right" match?

daysofelijah - I feel your pain when it comes to trying to deal with exes. I am struggling with this more than I expected in my CH 2. I do think, however, there needs to be a line in the sand when exes are involved - I understand divorced parents need to co-parent but when they are divorced, I feel that acting like a married couple in other ways is unacceptable and not fair to the new partner. If you feel as though your guy's ex is coming into your relationship space too much, have an open, honest conversation about it with him and hopefully he will manage the situation appropriately (which it is his role to do). Also, you might want to express what you are comfortable with and not. For example, I drew the line in the sand with my NG for certain things. ie. no co-parenting trips away together or I don't want to be in her toxic space - given the way she is acting right now - so I have purposely been avoiding events so far where she will be there (even though he has invited me). If his ex was constantly texting him and asking for help around the house, with her car etc etc. I would NOT be ok with this. (I deal with ALL this stuff myself as a widow). They have had a few phone arguments when he was over at my house (and we hardly have time together as it is) and I told him that was not ok to bring into our space.  I did used to be very passive aggressive about this topic and would just get moody (and shut down) when I was unhappy with the ex situation but I realized that my NG really didn't need to have his toxic ex and me giving him a hard time at the same time - so talking openly about it and my feelings about it was a much better way to go. Im still trying to figure out what I can and cant deal with in this new world of dating divorced parents with children so its a learning process for all of us !

I'm sorry I can't make it today. Am with my son and on house duty today : )

Sorry Trying...I agree - enough is enough. Your family has been through quite enough...I really hope that all turns out to be ok.

Congratulations ! This post really made me smile. I remember reading your earlier posts and I am so happy to read this news and how your Chapter 2 has progressed.

That is one reason I keep coming back to this site and reading updates (5 years now!) - love seeing these new, happy chapters for widows/widowers.

All the best,

That is the most beautiful letter - made me all teary. Thank you for sharing it with us.

First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. Finding this kind of information out just complicates the grief....I don't want to go into details as I want to leave it in the past but I did discover a few issues when I went through my husband's email 4 months after he died. I was caught off guard and very angry.

But I know my husband loved me and I know that I didn't want to pollute the memory of him with this information so I kept the information to myself for a long, long time. But it was at that point that I sought out a grief therapist to help me handle all the emotions I was feeling and it helped. I also tried not to let that overwhelm the many good things about him. But I will tell you that it changed my grief in certain ways.

The attitude you are taking is a positive one - and I too look back on my marriage and everything that happened and have tried to understand more about his and my behavior and I contemplate what I can do differently the next time. Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.....

I might be able to make it !

Awful ! That is so scary. Sorry that happened to you. I have been online dating a while but never had an issue such as this. Wonder if POF could in any way tell you if your account has been hacked ? Did you contact the company ?

First of all, congratulations. And Im glad you and NG could get away for some non-kid time, especially after reading about what the ex is doing. it must seem so surreal, to be planning for a wedding....and I can imagine it can be triggering.

I was in my sister's wedding party as the maid of honor 2 years ago and the event made me happy but sad. I could barely keep it together when the minister said "until death do you part...."

Wishing you and your NG and families all the best - blending these new lives is so different from our prior lives...but Im very happy you guys found each other !

momof2obs - please just block this jerk on your cell. Believe me - I have done a lot of online dating (no judgement) - there are certain guys out there that just like to mess with you. They are interested when they don't have anyone else and then put you to the bottom of the list when they think they have found someone "better" (which they usually haven't so then they come back around). Im sorry, you deserve a lot better than that. His loss - seriously.....

I found YWBB after I suddenly lost my husband (aged 38) and was left as a single mother of a nine month old - and we had moved to a town where I didn't know anyone only 3 months earlier. The whole shock of it and the feeling of isolation seemed unbearable at the time and I also had moments where I thought I was losing it, especially in those first years. I also had no outlet for my emotions as my widow-dom made friends and family very uncomfortable. I am eternally grateful for the support I received here - and the ability to share what I was going through. Although I am in a much better place now (5 years on), I still come here to hopefully lend some support plus I like to check in to see how everyone is doing, especially those who have walked this widow path with me.

Agreed divorce leaves men/people is a bad place all around. I feel bad when I see men financially destroyed by their marriage - personally, I've always stood on my own two feet financially. It's very important to me. Daysofelijah- my late husband had a lot of debt when we married and that concerned me. But I didn't take on any of his debt when he passsed away as I kept our finances seperate including filing seperate taxes. Agreed - that support and affection can be shown in many other ways besides lavish/gifts and dinners. Honestly it's the thoughtful gestures that really matter. I am not big on splitting bills but I do pick up the dinner or outing tab on many occasions - feel it is the right thing to do as partners. I'm also mindful of how expensive divorce is!

First of all you wonder how great guys marry crazy women like this. And I feel so bad for the great daughter- it makes me disgusted his ex is behaving this way. Sugar bell - I admire your resilience towards this situation. Make sure you share techniques of how to block out this toxic behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this. My grief therapist a long while back talked to me about depression meds - just to even out my moods. I refused. Sorry I didn't take any natural herbal remedies so I cant help there BUT I completely changed my diet (much healthier, less carbs, lower fat, less meat, less alcohol, sugar and caffeine) and I committed to working out regularly. I also committed to more sleep. These changes helped me immensely.

Your neighbor is so fortunate you were there. But that had to be SO triggering and that would upset me for weeks. I'm sorry....

Its good to know what you want and what you can accept - and to be honest with yourself about it. I always thought it would be good to date either a widower or a divorced man with young children (who had kids later in life) as that is where I am in life. HOWEVER, now I am dating someone who is divorced with young children, I am finding I really don't like being a 3rd wheel in the relationship behind the ex-wife (given they co-parent - and they have a tenuous relationship)...I have less of a problem with sharing my life/home with others' young children (although that dynamic too creates stresses). I have gotten so used to being on my own with my son in our own living space (5 years now), the thought of expanding this is scary to me. I've discovered its a trade-off - I've met a wonderful man in a somewhat similar position in life but Id have to live life on his terms if this is to keep going (i.e. his child schedule, dealing with his ex, would have to move his way if we co-habituated/got married). It took so long to re-establish my life, Im just trying to work out if I am up for this. I feel like I am being selfish by thinking this way but I have also accepted that I feel what I feel. So I either adapt or move on...and I'm not sure yet. I agree with a lot of Mizpah's comments above re: it is more than just love in being in a relationship.

I'm 5 years out now (almost) and I'm tired of being a widow. By that I mean I too have felt like I have dealt well with the grief but the whole experience/change/single parenting has recently left me exhausted and  unmotivated too - work wise and in my personal relationships. I'm tired of people pitying me too and the awkwardness with my inlaws.  Trying to build a new relationship right now with their crazy ex and situation  etc just feels exhausting. I'm not sure the grief ever really goes away and while I was going through a great patch for a long time, I've recently felt sad and exhausted...and weepy. And it's more noticeable when my life slows down a bit. Just sad about how my son constantly talks about his dad he doesn't remember and feeling somewhat isolated. Usually I try and be upbeat and try to be positive (I am very thankful for what I do have)- but lately I'm not feeling it. Going back to my therapist and lots of self pampering as well as lots of time with my son. I don't feel like I can avoid how I'm feeling so I do think our grief may be underlying other feelings or issues. And it comes out somehow. With all the good that is happening in our lives I think sometimes we think we have left the grief behind but recently I've wondered if it lingers in other ways. Wishing you all the best,

Wow - sorry Mizpah....that's awful... I hope the courts come to their senses and don't allow her to go with their son. My NG's ex is threatening to take their son (who is only in kindergarten) across the country to live nearer to her family and the current custody battle is terrible and expensive.

I wish we could all find a way to deal with these exes who are making life difficult for all, especially the poor children. Sigh

I hear you - 1 month away from 5 years here. I'm happy (finally) a lot of the time now as is my son. But finding the new path hasn't been easy - and sometimes I reflect and think..."Did this really happen to us?" I don't look ahead much anymore as I used to...and you're right, it is confusing. wishing you all the best,

Sugarbell - you are dealing with all this madness very well. I'm seriously impressed as this situation seems very toxic -  and all caused by someone who can't control her emotions. I hope it's not creeping into relationship with NG. I'm dealing with a milder version of this right now and sometimes I'd rather just not deal at all. These people are lucky to still have the other parent, family etc in the picture and it makes me so angry when I see all these negative afflictions on others.

So so sorry - I worry about this too. Firstly, I hope you are taking care of yourself so you can help your kids through this situation- I did a lot of therapy post my first break up and it helped. Try to limit your contact with him the best you can - it will help you over the long run. Does this guy want to maintain a relationship with your kids as well as your kids wanting to stay in touch with him? His being "bored" makes me very wary and I'm so sorry for the pain your kids are going through. Spend  lots of time with your kids and I think therapy would help. I feel that your kids continuing to have a relationship with him could be very tough, especially if he is moving on. But I would think that depends too  on how he is handling it- a therapist could be very helpful here, maybe even joint therapy for you and your son together? My son is very young and once in a while he mentions missing my ex but they didn't have a great bond to begin with plus I have my son in kids counselling already- to deal with his grief. And I think it's been helpful.

I only wore black for the funeral...I didn't feel the need to continue to wear mourning attire after that although I certainly didn't feel like wearing cute, bright clothes for a while.

Sorry you are having to face this on top of everything else. While my inlaws are ok with me dating, my MIL isn't comfortable with a new man in my young son's life. I wanted to invite NG to my sons party but I kindly ran it by her first - and she really gave me a hard time. Now I don't tell her anything and I don't post pics of him and my son or the 3 of us on FB. I hear you - divorced and it's ok to move on but widowed and we need to be alone. Ugh.

Moving closer to work sounds like a great idea. I'm an hour and a half and it's tough....It's a financial drain but I hired help - help taking care of my son as well as the house plus some cooking. I have help for taking care of the lawn and garden. I try to cook in larger batches so I can easily have dinner (for my son and I)  plus take lunches for several days. Do auto pay for a number of bills. Have a huge variety of books, a leap pad and toys for my young son so he can keep himself busy while I need to work at home or do house stuff - like pay bills etc. I bought new clothes that make it easy to dress for work - I'm up and out the door in 20 min in the am. I pack in appointments on work at home days or off work days and while my son is at school. I use train time to shop online or do finances. I bought tons of pjs and spare underwear and socks for my son in case I don't get to the laundry for a few days. I tried to simplify my schedule and his schedule so we aren't rushing around everywhere. Hope that helps...this isn't easy.