Captains wife

So many things.....I think about that a lot.

Star wars - definitely

Our new living room and bathroom (I redid both after he died)

Our son's new bedroom - I turned my husband's office into our son's room (one of the best rooms in the house : ) and we kept the stuff he put up in there...like his fish shelves)

Our new car - I finally traded in the Dodge Ram truck 2 years ago and bought the car he wanted to buy for me

Our son's accomplishments - seeing him go off to Kindergarten on the bus

Our settling into small town life - I did the things he wanted to do locally such as join the sailing program and the local yacht club

Going to the new restaurants in Seaport - he would have loved that....

Nice - I am all about giving the second chances to old friends. It feels good doesn't it, to repair those broken ties ? I wouldn't do it for certain people admittedly but I have done it for others, and it was great to reconnect.

Vent away - I think that helps and one of the great things about this board (the support system from individuals that get it). And I think it does sometimes need to get worse before it gets better. And getting those emotions out now will help long term. I hear you on the "alone" comment (although I recognize our situations are likely very different) - I never thought I would still be on my own at year 5 and I wish my family lived closer.

Wishing you all the best,

I haven't had a guy ask me directly for money (although one guy I dated was trying to get me to invest in a stock he had) but I have felt that a number of men (not all) have seen that I am financially secure (actually because of my career not because of my husband) and then find ways to get me to pay for things. I don't mind pitching in at all financially to even out paying for dates, outings etc but I also have to pay a lot for child care and I am appreciative of men that understand that when we go out. Most of the men I date are divorced and our dates are set around the times when their ex spouse has the children so they don't have child care costs.

Yes those memory pop ups can be brutal and triggering- click in the top RH corner and I think you can deactivate them.

Thanks NeedyToo. I find dating sites, venues to meet people hit or miss. Very dependent on timing of who's online, who is at venue. With dating site I wonder how much "fraud" is baked into how it works.I found hobby related Meet up.com groups to be a good social outlet. Swooned at date 2 with aforementioned guy I went out with (aka sexy Rhode Island guy) but had odd date encounter with widower this past week. He said to me on the date- I wasn't sure whether to go out you since you are a widow...hmm. I asked him to elaborate and he said last widow date cried on him and it was uncomfortable. Was surprised to hear that from a widower...and no I didn't cry on him...

I found this post very interesting and insightful. I am now at year 4.4 and in the first years as a young window with a toddler, I experienced emotional rollercoasters especially around Thanksgiving/Xmas, and then around my sadiversary in May (very weepy, anger sometimes). But interestingly, in year 4, going on year 5, I am feeling less of this and I feel it will get better every year. In fact, although I still miss my husband, for some reason recently, I have been feeling the best I have felt in years.

I personally found therapy to help earlier on but now I am using other actions to move me along in my life and improve my moods. In terms of new muscle memory, can you switch things up a bit in terms of your schedule and create new patterns ? For example, this year, I booked a week on the ocean (Cape Cod) with my son and I and arranged various visitors throughout the week so we wouldn't be completely alone - and I will do this again next year. For Thanksgiving every year now, I volunteer and deliver meals to the elderly (my son stays with my inlaws) and I either meet friends out for a Thanksgiving lunch or just eat later with my inlaws. This is my new traditional and I enjoy it. I always have something fun planned for the May time period (visitors or go somewhere). I am aware at certain times of the year I find work concentration harder so I just take those times off and have fun. What has really helped me as well is "re-establishing my life" and by that I mean trying to figure out what really makes me happy and go with it. So, I switched my diet, I exercise regularly and I lay off the alcohol a lot more - and I built a solid social network so I am feeling more and more ok on my own, and with my son. I think these certain times of the year will always be triggers for us but I guess my point is that, for me, switching things up in my life, keeping busy with new activities and creating new memories - especially around those time periods - has really helped me.

Wishing you all the best,

I cant relate exactly but can understand some of what you are feeling and I would proceed with caution for the time being. This may not be the right time to tell your friend that you are in love with him, given everything else that is going on in his life. I also worry about you getting hurt if you say something now and its not reciprocated as the timing might not be right for him - you have been through so much already. Intimacy in times of emotional turmoil is not at all surprising but its important (although difficult) to untangle different types of feelings/emotional connections. I've been through a few relationships (unfortunately) since my husband died suddenly in his 30s and in hindsight some of them were really me clinging to fraud emotions/new physical connections to make me feel better/less lonely. This is only my experience but maybe an idea is to spend some time with the best friend in everyday life, go on some dates and get a little closer that way first...and see how you and (and he) feels down the road? This advice is coming from a person who is generally cautious on relationships so you can take the advice with a grain of salt : ) But I wish you all the best and hope a good Ch2 outcome happens for you out of this.

Mikeeh - I am also rooting for you. It does hurt and moving on ISNT EASY, even if the situation wasn't right necessarily. I will tell you this - I felt 100% better once my ex was out of my space and head (my grief therapist noticed it too). I wrote down everything that was wrong in our relationship (at the end) and that really stuck with me. Gone was the roller coaster ride and anxiety. It just took time and working through the pain and loss. In my case, he is slightly in my space again (as a friend, 9 months after we broke up) and honestly I am not 100% sure it was a great idea letting him back in my space (but we kept running into each other as we work near each other). I wish you all the best and a better match for you. Agreed on the keeping busy - it really helped me as I was healing...so did exercise.

Finally some good dating news- had one of my best ever first dates last week with a guy I met on Match. He picked a gorgeous place to meet in Newport for lunch, made reservations and the day of he was running a few mins late so he called ahead to the restaurant to buy me a drink while I was waiting. He found out it was my bday that weekend - so he slipped out in the middle of the meal and asked the waiter to bring me a chocolate torte cake with a candle in it (my fav dessert). So thoughtful, so classy. And as well as being handsome he has a great personality and I saw him tearing up when I was talking about my LH (he asked a few questions). So kind, and sensitive. Who knows where this will go but it was nice to be beaming after a date and see some great, compatable men out there for me. He asked if we can meet up again...and I of course said yes. Swoon...

Events like this make my blood boil. Ok it's not always easy when kids are involved sometimes but maybe NG shouldn't be so selfish. Life is tough and things can get tough and he just bails?!? He doesn't sound very understanding/patient so in the long run it will likely be for the best for you. But I'm sorry that he acted this way and I'm sorry if it hurts.

I have been emailing with a guy who gives me one word answers - I have decided to throw in the towel. The last straw - He asked about meeting with drinks - I threw out some dates/times and all I get back is "OK"

Next !

On the more positive side, had 2nd date last night with cute dad my age with young kids who is very funny. Not sure he's a match for me for a few reasons but I enjoy his company and he is a nice guy. He took me to dinner and a concert and we had too much to drink and kissed like teenagers during the concert. Fun !!

Have 2 more dates with different guys this weekend. Just enjoying the casual dating scene for the time being.

Mikeeh - I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you. But going through the pain is the way to get over this relationship eventually. I don't think it as overblown or overdramatic - you are clearly hurting and its positive that you are venting in this forum as a release.

I can only offer this, from my experience - I cried almost everyday for a month after my CH2 boyfriend of almost 2 years and I broke up. Some days I would just sit in my pjs and watch movies all day and cry. Sometime I couldn't eat I felt so sick or some days I would binge eat to make myself feel better. Or I also accidentally smashed the front of my car when I saw him on Match.com right away. But then one day (I think about 1.5-2mths later) I woke up and started feeling better, a lot better - I started to see the relationship for what it was, him for who he is and I wrote everything down that upset me (in one place), I deleted all contact with him & photos so I could get him out of my space, I asked him to not contact me again. I forced myself to stop looking at his profiles on Linked in and Match and I deleted him/blocked him on both. I forced myself to stop thinking about him and kept myself busy in other ways (not only dating but going to other social groups, exercising, working, hanging out with my son). I continued to feel better and I hope that will happen for you too. Just need time...so I wish you all the best through what I know is a very tough period. Its hard to make good connections - and its hard to say goodbye, even when they aren't the best or right connections.

Go you! I wish you all the best in your next chapter and leaving that particular stress behind.

We had drinks this week and we are clearly in the not dating again zone (although I wouldn't say friends either). But we had a very nice time.  I wasn't planning on seeing or talking to this person ever again and now I feel like I have closure. Admittedly it also felt good to hear how I have been missed, that he still felt sad it was over (8 months later).  Neither of us have dated anyone seriously since we broke up and we still miss each other - but I know for certain reasons we weren't a good match and I'm more certain what I am looking for now. Took me a while to realize that after we broke up but hindsight is a great thing.

Not from a child point of view but my uncle recently decided he wanted to be a she. It was tough for his immediate family but they have accepted it as has the extended family - and he is in his 60s. I will say I don't understand it fully but my uncle is now very happy and I think that is what is most important. There were obviously quite a few changes in his life- physical, medical and now she has a whole new set of friends. As family, we just rolled with it including calling him/her by the new name when it was relayed to us.

Ok - this is a new one. Texted with a man on Match for a bit. He was a fair bit outside my age range but he seemed a gentleman and from his profile we seemed to have a bit in common. So then silence - which is fine as there are plenty of fish in the sea. But then just heard from him again and his text goes something like- Hi, know I haven't been in touch but was thinking about things and have some concerns about you living an hour south of the city. So - why don't you convince me why I should date you given the distance ? 😳 Oh boy- next !

You can do it! I've travelled a fair amount on my own (including a week in Argentina where I didn't know anyone - went in my late 30s) and enjoyed it. I would recommend the following - start with a destination that will be easier to navigate solo as a female, break up the trip so you are moving around a bit, book fun activities at your destination (tour, sailing, zip lining whatever), bring a book (I would often read at a restaurant if I felt self conscious eating alone). Wishing you all the best and that you see new and exciting destinations!

I had a very rough end to my Chapter 2 at the end of Jan. and felt very heart broken. While we cared for each other a lot and had great chemistry, a number of things weren't aligning (including his bachelor life and my single mother life). But the way it ended was very hurtful and made me see him in a very different light (although I was not completely blameless, given a number of my passive aggressive moves). At first, I was heart broken, went through the withdrawal and then he popped back in my life by texting me about a month later with apologies and that he missed me. I very clearly told him that I needed time and space and to please not get back in contact again. He was respectful of that until June/July (4-5 months later) when he started texting me and asked if we could meet to talk (I told him that I didn't want to do that). I took some time off dating, kept away from him (no contact including not looking at his Match profile!) dated someone else for 3 months (then I broke up with him early as I wasn't happy) and recently have only been passively dating - and suddenly feel very happy on my own (with my son now). But, of course, I then ran into my ex unexpectedly in the city 2 weeks ago - at first it felt weird, and I felt a little jittery, but we had a nice but short conversation. He asked if we could go for a drink and I told him Id think about it (but then never got back to him). Then this morning I unexpectedly ran into him again (on my way to work) and we ended up walking together and talking. The best part of it was that I didn't feel upset, didn't pine for him, didn't feel anger or sadness anymore - we had a nice conversation, got caught up with each others lives and I agreed to have a drink with him in 2 weeks. I have zero plans for getting back together with him but I am so happy to be in this good place after such heartache and it was very nice to hear how sorry he was and how he acknowledged what an a** he was at the end and he explained why he acted that way. That was good to hear - and I do forgive him, am very happy to be past that "missing him" stage and so happy that we can chat like friends and remember the good times we had (and there were plenty of those too). It feels nice to be in this space finally. PS - and to be honest he doesn't look as good to me as he used to which is interesting. I hope this gives others encouragement who are/ have been going through break ups with Chapter 2.

Oh boy - why are so many people relationship adverse??? I wish there was better segmentation of dating sites - Ie one site for hook ups, one site for friends with benefits, one site for people really looking to properly recouple ? And everyone sticks to meeting people on their designated site... Lol

Someone once said to me that every relationship teaches you something and I think I believe that. I understand the initial pain of the break up and sometimes it is best that the partner is out of your life completely - or maybe somehow you are back in each other's lives as acquaintances further down the road (I'm not 100 percent sure about being real friends with exes, especially a very passionate, loving relationship - that can be tough). But I can promise you this - reading her blog, any texting, even seeing her on FB are all things that will set you back and may bring you back in. When my tumultuous almost 2yr relationship with my ex ended in Jan (we loved each other but it wasn't a good match for certain reasons) as hard as it was I directly told him to not contact me (as he was randomly texting me) and I deleted him off FB, Bloomberg and Linked In. I deleted a bunch our photos. I stopped looking at his Match profile - and all of this helped me focus on myself, my healing and get him out of my space and head. We didn't speak for 5 months (then he randomly texted me a few times). But with the no contact I was feeling better within a few months and now I feel great and I can see the whole  thing with much more clarity (8 months on) and without sadness or anger. 90 days is just a number recommended by professionals - personally no contact for that or longer is a good idea... Wishing you all the best and I'm sorry you are going through this...

Sorry - this sounds like my Chapter 2 path, seriously. I also have those thoughts...that Chapter 2 isn't happening for me when I see so many happy people re-coupling. BUT saying all that, hang in there, continue to look for your Chapter 2 if that's what you really want (I do believe it takes longer for some of us given various circumstances), maybe try different dating outlets? And remember everyone you meet, date is some sort of lesson...wishing you all the best and rooting for you!

Sorry MissingSquish - we all have enough to worry about without having to worry about finances too! Part time work is a good idea, especially if it is something you can do while looking after a dog full time. Would be great if you could find one in the canine area given your love for dogs/animals. One thing I did during the recession for part time work was writing online. Dipping into retirement etc is never really a good idea unless absolutely necessary. Is downsizing (car, house) an option? And finding little ways to cut expenses (which I did post widow) - including changing meal plan, coupon cutting, trying to cut back on utilities, clothes shopping on sale, finding less expensive services for certain things (hairdresser, lawn service), cut back on certain things for me (eating out, pedicures), pay bills online (less postage) and stagger what bills need to be paid first, hiring people on Craig's List to fix stuff around my house (although be careful with this one).

I'm very sorry - loss upon loss is really really tough and painful. I know you want to speak with her/be in touch but one piece of advice I would offer is if this wasn't the right relationship for you please try a no contact period. Having been through this heartache, it did wonders for me (self help books recommend about 90 days). Please also be very good to yourself - it isn't "silly", the pain can be very real. Wishing you all the best,

I live in a small town where everyone knows each other- I'm not from here originally but everyone else seems to be. My own rule is to not date anyone is town - too small a world, too many exes around. However, the dating pool is so limited when living somewhere like this and if you are not online dating that makes it tougher. I think I would proceed with caution and only take that chance if there was a significantly good match. All the best in your new location,