Captains wife

I have done ALOT of internet dating (ugh). I am in my 40s and I have not used Tinder but had friends that have used it and it hasn't led to anything but the odd date/friendship/hook-up.

I've tried OKC, EHarmony and Match. I actually thought OKC was pretty good in terms of the set up/profiles/extensive questions and number of people on the site but since its free you get a lot of scammers on there and undatables and I found I got "harassed" a lot on there. I also dated someone on there who was a complete liar.

eHarmony is a COMPLETE waste of time - its the most expensive, not great matches, a lot of "unreal" profiles on there and the initial back and forth correspondence (before you can email each other) plus inability to pick your matches makes it terrible to use for both men and women.

Match I find has the best selection of people to date but it costs and you still get a lot of creeps on there. I also HATE the Winks, Interested, Likes etc - its SOOO confusing! But I met my husband on Match in NYC so I am a little partial to it and I've had some decent dates from it (and some not so decent dates).I also think a paid service weeds out some of the scammers and really creepy people.  I also think it benefits from a wide membership, depending where you live.

I think there are some new dating sites that try and link you through your friends networks to meet men - I saw an app on Shark Tank plus there is OurTime (over 50 site my friend uses), EliteSingles (not tried it).

All the best as this is not easy although it can be fun ! 

I'm going to re-add to this post as I was really thinking about my husband while I was out sailing last night.

His name was John - bubbly, positive, great family man/dad, very supportive of what I did (work etc).

Sooo.. guy I dated recently for 3 months tried to friend a bunch of my female friends on FB (who he had only met once) and I found out last night he started texting one of my friends this past week (he had her cell number as he was texting pics of an event we all went to a few weeks ago). He did ask about me BUT he kept just texting her about other stuff, asking how she was, sending pics of him sailing etc. She has since blocked his cell number (as have I). WOW - this is a whole 'nother level of inappropriateness. Nothing surprises me anymore in dating...

Thanks Serpico - so appreciate your feedback. I don't often get upset about people's responses to my posts but this one was really uncalled for.  I wasn't hostile at all to this person. I was very nice on the date about it and sent him a very nice text in response. The point of this section is to vent and I am venting my frustration. I think I have every reason to be frustrated with dating given some of the men I've encountered and this is my outlet to do that. While I appreciated this guys honesty, ruling me out on a distance seems unfair and I didn't share with the group his correspondence on it or how he handled it. If distance was such an issue we shouldn't have gone out in the first place. And I have a few more dates lined with with new people so I'm moving on.

Ok - so some wise ass just emailed me and asked if I would like to buy him dinner ? And a bunch of guys out of my age range and desirability range just emailed me about how they are the perfect match for "a woman like me".  I'm starting to get dating fatigue again - sigh

Ugh - momtokandk...some people are pathetic and I cant stand time wasters/scammers. Wish we could round them all up and throw away the key.

I think multi-contact, multi-dating is just fine - who  knows what could happen ? And men can go poof very quickly so you need to keep options open until you meet someone you want to date exclusively and vice versa.

I went on a very nice date on Sat night with a decent match for me - but he kept agonizing over the fact that I lived an hour south of the city (even though I work in the city and my inlaws have a house in the next town over). I explained to him that while not ideal in some ways, I have seriously dated 2 men in the past 3 years and one was in Boston and one local and I honestly saw them about the same amount - given how busy everyone is (and this new guy has 3 kids, full time job and lots else going on). So night ends kind of awkwardly and I deleted his number as I didn't want to bother. Then he starts texting me yesterday, just to chat so I do respond to his texts. THEN at 7AM this morning I get this VERY LONG text from him - to tell me that he has thought about me a lot since Sat and  he has been "agonizing" over what to do. While he thinks we are a good match, he doesn't think its possible to sustain a relationship with me "so so far away" and that he needs to go with his gut on this.

I appreciated his honesty - but seriously how lazy are people ? It takes almost 40min to even drive across Boston from where he lives. I guess he is hoping to meet someone within 5 miles - good luck to him. I sent a very nice text back and wished him well but I was honestly thinking - you tool... Next !

Klim - that's a definite no. Ugh

I am getting creeped out by online guys asking too many personal questions too early via email...and I'm call screening anyone that asks me out. I should have seen the red flags that accompanied that last guy I dated and have since broken up with...for some guys its all about the chase and they can be really obsessive at first. (Ex guy I dated texted me a pic once of his office (early on in the relationship) and I noticed when I looked closely at his work computer that my FB page was up in the background..ugh).

I have tried 2 routes - 1) Dating someone for a very long time and then introducing him to my young 5 year old (after a year+, 2) Introducing my son to a new boyfriend right away and getting our kids together right away. Neither worked well because of the people involved so let me tell you what I learned from this and I hope it helps (sorry, this is tough.... dating with young children). I also think it is important to continue to reassure the children that dating isn't replacing a parent but for our companionship (I would call my boyfriend, my friend to my son). Its also important to take into consideration how the children are feeling in the timing of when there may be an introduction with a new partner BUT ultimately you are the parent and should be making the best choices for you AND them.

1) In scenario 1, we were pretty serious but I just didn't know how to combine my dating life with my mother life and he didn't have any kids so I was keeping the 2 worlds separate. The "mistake" I made was waiting too long (16 months) and keeping the worlds apart too long so my bf was too used to me and him on our own and I realized too late he wasn't child compatable (even though he said he was). I could tell shortly after the introduction too that my son didn't take to him.

2) In scenario 2, I introduced them all WAY too fast - my new guy #2 was child friendly for sure and great with my son but it turned out we as a couple weren't compatable and then it turned out his young kids seemed to have a problem with my son (although he refused to share with me what that was which is one reason I broke up with him) so my son was sad when he heard he wasn't going to see this guy and his kids any more.

So am trying to figure out how to do it better in round 3.

All the best,

I am back in the mix after another false start - next !

Back on Match.com and a guy who ghosted on me in round 1 (who I thought I would get along very well with) contacted me again and explained the reason he cancelled our date after our phone call was that I mentioned that I had white carpeting in my house so didn't have a dog in my house so for that reason - and therefore he jumped to the conclusion that we wouldn't be compatible. And that since then he had "thought about me alot" and wondered if we could "say hi" sometime as its better to meet someone in person. Geesh, you think ?? I politely replied back that it was a shame we didn't meet up as I thought we would get along very well and actually I love dogs and it was the prior owners that put the carpeting in the house, not me. And I was trying to preserve the integrity of the house as I may wish to sell at some point. And, I wished him well : ) 

I think dating can mean different things to different people and there is no one path to dating. I also am not sure if we know if we are ready 100% of the time. There are times I felt ready to recouple but then certain events would happen that would tell me again I was not ready (I have a young child which complicates the recoupling process). I have tried to recouple but its not working out well - although I enjoy dating generally and think I will stay in the more casual zone (and I am 4 years out). I think as long as you're open with this person you are not wasting his time - and he is an adult and make up his own mind as to what he wants. With your travel distance too, you will get the space you need. Its a good start there is chemistry ! Wishing you all the best - chapter 2 is an adventure !

Sorry - that has to be very triggering and scary. Hope he is ok.

First of all, I'm sorry for everything you are going through. You were re-coupling and in a very very tough situation for you emotionally. It was good that you recognized that you needed space and decided to move on from a situation that didn't sound very healthy. I have been through 3 break-ups now since becoming a widow 4 years ago - the one in the middle was with someone I was crazy about, had dated almost 2 years but our personalities and lifestyles didn't mesh. I will say that break-up opened new grief wounds for me and it was a tough few months at first - lots of not sleeping, not eating and crying and walking around in a daze, missing him like crazy, feeling the withdrawal. In your situation, it seems more complicated by your exes issues so that would only exacerbate the guilt, grief, loss I would imagine. But hopefully I can offer some advice that will help - seeing a therapist is a very good idea so keep doing that and regularly, please follow the No Contact Rule (90 days at least say the experts) so you can get this person out of your system and give yourself time to grieve and get space/closure, find company in other people and try and get out to keep you mind otherwise occupied, I would go to the gym and either do yoga or crazy cardio and that REALLY helped me, be gentle with your self - if you have days when you want to feel bad and do nothing then do that (I had a few days where I binge watched Netflix in my bathrobe), read self help books (about wrong relationships, break ups etc - let me know if you want title recommendations), eat well and avoid alcohol (take care of yourself)! 

Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.

Understand this completely. I was the Maid of Honor last year at my sisters wedding (although I told her I would be ok if she picked one of her friends). I am very very happy for her and her new hubby but I felt very sad during the vows and did everything to not cry when the minister said "until death do you part"....All of her 30-something friends were there, married, with their husbands and young kids...and I felt my loss a lot that day.

Sorry - I know that is so tough as it is triggering to what we lost. My sister asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding last year and while I was very happy for her, I had to plaster a smile on my face and I found the evening really tough (lots of thirty something couples with kids). When the minister said the "until death do you part" I started to get tears in my eyes and it took everything not to start crying at that one line.

It was nice to catch up even for a short while. Thank you Rudi. Sorry we had to leave early but my son and I have been on the go since 5am so we are already in bed at 8pm! 😳  Maureen- my son really enjoyed meeting Rosie 🙂

I'm so sorry- no your family does not need this. If this helps at all- my mother beat breast cancer and is now 75. Wishing your family all the best,

Congrats on meeting someone - its not easy ! : )  For some reason, when you meet and fall in love with someone new, people on the outside seem to think that you are ok and have moved on. Its not that simple - I have had a few boyfriends since my husband died (ugh - not been that lucky so far in love) and meeting someone new that I really liked and heading down that path brought up all sorts of anxiety for me...it was odd sometimes how I felt, when I felt I should just be happy. But instead I felt sad and anxious. But I also found that the right partner will help you through all these emotions....

The day by day approach is good - slow and steady...although I totally get the feeling of wanting to sprint. Those new feelings can be really intoxicating : )

Wishing you all the best,

Love this thread - I've changed so much in the past 4 years. And love seeing everyone's lists - go us!

1. I have learned how to solo parent relatively effectively and certainly become more patient as a parent.

2. My social circle has completely changed - lots of new faces and let some older ones go. I have really pushed myself to become more social. He would have loved my/our suburban life in a coastal town now.

3. Lost 40lbs and now in pretty decent shape.

4. Cut my drinking WAY back and eating very healthy.

5. I am no longer a workaholic and have really learned to chill out more.

6. I have gone semi-blond.

7. I faced my fears and am learning to really sail/race.

8. I am getting along quite well with my inlaws and much more tolerant than before.

9. I have taken over many of "his" jobs around the house and have been relatively successful at it (i.e. I redid our awful downstairs bathroom).

10. I bought a new car on my own and negotiated the hell out of the dealer (he was always so good at negotiating).

11. I am much more thoughtful about other people's views and less self-centered.

12. He would have been proud of me that I stood up at his funeral in front of tons of people and said such wonderful things about him - and didn't cry (although I felt like it).

13. I am closer to my family now (my mother) thanks to him and everything that has happened. He was so family oriented.

14. I have stood up for myself a lot in the past few years - against people who have tried to bring me down.

Excellent Maureeen - Ive decided to turn this into a mini vaca for my son and I. We will hit the Watch Hill merry go round and the beach, then to the Bago !

What shall we bring ? Ill plan to bring some snacking food and some beverages. Maureen - my son will be happy your dog is there : )

That is indeed a big step, especially after 30+  years of marriage. I know...it does feel odd when the rings come off at first. I took mine off early (within a few months). Baby steps are a good way to go...this is all so much change and growing.

Um - yeah, I agree with the above post.....I have never been that lucky asking guys out or even have them replying to me when I show I am interested. I have therefore tended to sit back and wait for them to contact me/ask me out. I honestly don't get it sometimes...Im not that bad lol (Guess guys that I like aren't interested in me....sigh....)

I don't have babysitting but I plan to make a short appearance (in the afternoon) with my 5yr old in tow ! Thanks Rudi for allowing me to bring him : )