Captains wife

That would make me crazy...I'm not sure it's worth responding as it sounds as though she is jealous and wouldn't be reasonable. But if she continues in this manner it could interfere in your relationship down the road - you may need to have a gentle discussion with your NG about it if it gets worse. Maybe you two could discuss how best to handle it, esp if she won't talk to you directly.  I'm dating a divorced dad with a really difficult ex but we aren't cohabitating so I've only experienced these types of behaviour on the periphery. And already I'm getting irritated by it- can't imagine what she might be like if I was in a step mother like role. So sending lots of sympathy your way- it's frustrating. And my NG has it very easy.....since it's just my son and I and we are in a good place now. I would be honored and happy to take on a step mother role but I'm not sure I'm cut out for being part of a parenting triangle with someone who is completely unreasonable and just creating toxic energy.

Hopefully I can help a bit. I went through a lot of anger when my husband died suddenly and I was left to raise a 9mth old alone. It wasn't good and it lingered....and my moods were all over the place. I sought out a grief therapist, took up rigorous exercise, improved my diet and then set out to figure out how to get my happiness back. I was tired of feeling angry and sad. I think some of the aforementioned things helped, especially talking it out with my therapist and doing aerobics/running (for the endorphins). I also spent time making small changes to my life and figuring out what made me happy - some of them included reducing my work hours, finding ways to bond with my son, hiring help so I didn't feel overwhelmed, taking up new hobbies to keep me busy for some me time,  spending time with family and working on expanding my social circle. But one of the biggest things that helped was time - and letting myself feel angry or sad when I felt like it but using coping mechanisms so I wasn't taking it out on people. At almost 5 yrs out I'm in a very good place, as is my son, and my anger has dissipated- it's actually been gone a long while.  It's good you recognize these moods and are looking to deal with them. And you know, we all have a right to be angry after what happened to us...it is part of the grief process (maybe more for some). Wishing you all the best. PS - if my older posts are still on here, I posted a bit about my "happiness project" as I went through similar emotions.

Its interesting how the timing is so different for everyone and how circumstances can impact timing of some of this. I took off my ring within a few months of him dying - at first I took it off, put it back on and then by 6 months it remained off. I never wear it and it sits in a box. I started dating (via internet websites) at 14 months out - mainly out of loneliness. In hindsight, I should have waited longer. The reason I say that is that I struggled ALOT in the first 2+ years - raising a baby by myself, trying to juggle work, motherhood, dating, trying to fill a lonely void too quickly, a lot of anger and grief issues.

At five years out (almost now), I am in a much better place generally, including with me and my son (its so much easier now!), and knowing what I want as well as being more at peace with what happened.

Near Cape in MA. First lots of snow then rain so it's a slushy now frozen mess! Luckily a girlfriend is staying with us so helped me clear the front walkway this evening. Then poured a lot of salt on it. Now awake with 5yr old at 1am listening to high winds 😳

I'm so sorry. I too lost my DH suddenly (accident) when my son was very young (9 mths). We are now almost 5 years out and doing well, considering....We write a message and put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea on our sadiversary every year, then go sit on his memorial bench (by the water) and talk about him. It is one way to keep the memory alive for my son and its very relatable for him. Then we go and do something "fun".

I don't celebrate by DHs birthday, btw, just the day we lost him. I hope this helps. There are also some really good books on talking to children about grief as they are growing up (but still really young) and these helped me immensely. ("Talking to Children About Loss" by Trozzi was one I found useful).

Ah yes....First of all, this all sounds great re: between you and your new guy so I was happy to read this. I am in a somewhat similar situation (although I didn't know this person before) and its really unfamiliar territory. The divorcee I am dating has an ex who is really really difficult (I don't know about crazy yet) - she is very unpleasant to my guy and doing some things that I really think are very unpleasant in terms of behavior. My NG is awesome and we too get along so well (and he gets along really well with my son) - but this ex provides a black cloud hanging over things sometimes. Here is the tactic I have used so far - avoidance.....My son and I have been through so much I don't need any toxic like people in my life so I purposely keep away from her and that part of the equation. I know this is not sustainable forever but for now I have asked NG if it would be ok if I (and my son) don't attend events where she will be. This is what I need right now although I know it will have to change in the future. We do our own things with the kids and she isn't involved at all and there is no reason for our paths to cross. For your situation, this likely isn't possible but you and NG should just continue down the path you are going (she is going to have to deal), limit any interaction where you may run into each other and when you do see her, be cordial for the kids sake. All the best,

Hope you are having fun klim : )  I am very wary of early professions of love, esp if I'm not in the same place. BUT my LH told me on date 3 or 4 that he loved me - and we ended up moving in together 6 months later and got married. That's just the way he was...I on the other hand am much more guarded and cautious and it can take me a while to get there. Some differences are ok - part of dating is learning what you like, don't like...and what you can live with. Just have fun, take one date a a time for now and get to know this guy at your own pace. I've moved around a lot in my life - but very settled now. Could have just been circumstances etc. Keep us posted and have fun getting to know him!

Congratulations! You should be so proud of all that you've accomplished - very inspiring. Welcome back to the East Coast!

Thanks for posting. Very interesting discussion. I personally wanted to meet a widower (with kids) in CH 2 as I saw a lot of positives vs. dating Mr Divorced or Mr Umarried guy- but can see the challenges, as in any relationship.

This post also made me very happy!! Inspirational for Chapter 2 : ) Congratulations!

Mine was great too - the first time I really celebrated this holiday in 5-6 years. NG had lots of stuff planned. First he orchestrated a little plan with  my son such that my 5yr old gave me an orchid, teddy bear and a card. (It was so cute - my son came running into the room with each item seperately then also gave me a card he sighed himself). Then I was upstairs working out while NG was working from my house- and he called out that he had unf made a mess in my kitchen. So I came downstairs and my kitchen table had been cleared and there was an enormous bouquet of flowers in a vase in the middle of it, a helium heart balloon floating above it, cards with cute sayings scattered all over the table, a box of chocolates and 2 plates of scrumptious chocolate covered strawberries at either end as well as a very sweet card in the middle of it. It was gorgeous - and I felt so spoiled ! Then he made me one of my fav dinner from scratch (pasta bolognese) - stayed over. And we went for brunch the next day (took 1/2 day off work). Swoon...

I think at first after becoming widowed and especially when I read these lovely stories of true loves with very happy relationships/marriages I can understand why some people feel that way. I truly believe there is potentially multiple people out there for all of us - although a true match is a rare and very special thing. I loved my husband but even when I married him I didn't feel he was the true love of my life-my perfect match that I was looking for. But I love him and did enjoy being with him and I was lucky in many ways to have in my life as although there were rough patches - he taught me a good many things and I am a better person for it. I have been dating someone recently  who I think is a better match for me than my husband was - it's early days and it takes me a while to get to those feelings but for the first time I have real hope I will love again - and deeply. Wishing you all the best,

I'm sorry - that would irritate me too. The no would be one thing if his son didn't know how to use the tv or if you didn't want him to have screen time - but in this case your bfs son "didn't feel like it" so your son asked  you. Your son was allowed to watch tv so asking a second person when your bfs son is too lazy is fine and your bfs comments were out of line. Blending families is not about taking sides with ones own children all the time - but co-parenting in a mutually agreeable manner. Your bf needs to stick up for you and your son if his son is being disrespectful, which it sounds like he was. In my years of dating I have come to realize that many divorced parents can be like this (very one sided about their kids) so it's worth having a frank conversation with your bf as I can understand why you don't want to deal with this. Try and explain to him if the situation was reversed that you would have recognized your son was being disrespectful. I am in a relationship with an older divorced man with a young child - I can already see the divorce guilt in his parenting. I get along well with his son but there was one time his son was quite rude to me (admittedly he was also tired at the time). The divorce is new so I am understanding of the difficulty in the adjustments in his son's life but i also laid down the foundations of what I expect when we spend more time together as a blended family - and a key point was to be in the same page, discuss situations and not just side with our own children but look at the situation for what it is and that we have to stick up for each LH other should our kids be disrespectful to one of us. He agreed and seemed onboard but I can imagine situations are going to arise. None of this is easy so wishing you all the best.

This must be a big transition...but I do have a few words of advice, as I have been out dating for a few years and wasn't married that long before widowed (and married at 39 -  so have a fair amount of online dating exposure). Agreed with taking one baby step at a time, it can be fun but also triggering of your loss (especially bad dates or if someone you think you like is quite different several dates in), don't over-analyze each date and the person early on (people are dating for different reasons, sometimes if there isn't a 2nd date it is nothing to do with you, finding a mutual match can take time), please be safe (call screen first but ask for their number and meet in public places early on), trust your instincts (if someone seems off or you see red flags be cautious of issues) - but most importantly, have fun with it ! See it as a chance to see who else is out there, make new connections/friendships and give yourself a chance to discover what kind of partner might be your next match (if that is what u r looking for). Wishing you all the best- good for you for taking the plunge and getting out there again! Have fun on your upcoming date! maybe treat yourself to a new outfit or piece of clothing or hair cut to "dress up" for the date. I always make extra effort to get ready for dates I think I really like : )

Sometimes it just seems so surreal what has happened -it sounds like you lost your husband suddenly...I did too. And I walked around in shock for about a year after that. I'm sorry you are missing him - at 5 years I am getting more back to "normal" every day but I get these twinges of really missing him and so wishing we could have at least had one more conversation. A good cry often helps....Sending widow support.

Sorry : ( I so get those feelings of feeling crazy. I am 5 years out now (and I promise, although hard to hear now, that things will get better over time) but when I was a few months out, a year out, I felt I was losing it sometimes. I would wander around the grocery store or TJ Maxx and just cry. I would see little reminders of my husband everywhere and they were real triggers.

"So, what kinds of pitfalls and pinnacles do others find themselves experiencing as they are growing new relationships? What do you want? What do you not want? Funny stories? Questions? Warnings?"

Good questions ! I have found myself in an interesting place after 4 years of serial dating and finally now in an early committed relationship that I think has the potential to be long term. But its so interesting getting to know someone intimately again, from scratch. And you never know what you'll find out during this journey. So far, so good - but who knows ? (Ive honestly seen almost everything at this point so I try not to think too far ahead). Daysofelijah - I hear you on the intimacy part....its so great to really find that.

BUT one thing I am finding out is that I have become so comfortable on my own with my son that I find the prospect of co-habitating again quite daunting. (Does anyone else feel this way?) I also remember the number of issues I had living with my LH and I'm in no rush to repeat that. I wish I could see NG more but there is also something nice about having my own space, and space with my son alone. I'm pretty independent, including financially. NG is a quirky guy (health nut, kind of eccentric, into his certain routes and way of doing things) so that has taken some getting used to since he has been staying over - but I like him a lot so it hasn't phased me really. He has brought up potentially co-habitating down the road but I feel myself very, very cautious about doing this (or even thinking about it) - especially as I can see that it would be me having to do all the accommodating (ie moving his way, which is even farther away from work for me, given his situation with his son and his ex). And given all the time I have invested in developing relationships in my community and given my son is in a great school (plus I don't deal well with change these days), I have doubts about wanting to relocate for someone - even if it is down the road and even if I am crazy about him. This is a big question mark that I don't know how to handle but I guess will cross that bridge when I really come to it.

This post raises some VERY good questions. I'm not on the dating scene right now (as I'm dating someone) but was online dating for 4 years - and I struggled with similar questions. I think I knew, however, that while I loved some qualities about my LH, I didn't want to re-live the life I had with him in some ways. I actually spent some time dating many different types of guys to see what I might be open to - I tended to be attracted to a certain "type" but they all turned out to be real a**holes so I opened up to dating guys that weren't my usual type. It was an interesting "experiment". After a bad break up with one guy, too, I made a list of the qualities I was looking for and that helped.

So here is what I found (and hopefully this will help) - chemistry for me was very important and high on my list and that cant be forced (I wanted to like certain guys more than I did, and I couldn't get there) and there was a certain feeling I would get when I met a guy who I definitely wanted to spend more time with (a feeling of compatibility, no red flags, feeling comfortable with him right away, and I would really look forward to seeing him again). When I tried to "force it" to like them more, it just didn't work for me - even if they had a lot of great qualities and the feelings I wanted to grow over time just didn't. (This became very clear with a guy I tried to date this past summer). I also found that guys who were genuine and very caring were much more attractive to me than the "good on paper" guys. I also have a young son to consider - so I found I was much more attracted to men who were good with children and I could tell would embrace my situation.

I think part of this Ch 2 process is figuring out what you really want in your next relationship - but I also think that becoming a young widow changed me (changed all of us!) so the qualities that are attractive to me have changed somewhat. And lets face it, at this point in our lives, dating is SO different than the first time around.

HOWEVER, in the end, I also found that I haven't veered that far from my old "type" - interestingly, the guy I am happily dating now has certain nurturing and family qualities very similar to my husband (although has a number of differences too which I am thankful for). And after dating MANY men (no judgement lol) this was the first man that I met where I really felt something and a connection too, very early on. I honestly thought it would never happen but meeting this man has felt so much better and different than the many men I have dated in Ch 2. There was instant chemistry, a comfortable feeling, a feeling of really wanting to spend time and get to know this person - not the uncertainty, distrust, disinterest I normally had. And unlike the men I have dated before, there was a mutual interest in getting off Match quickly for both of us - so we could get to know each other and see where this might go...there was no games this time, and that wasn't the case with most other men. Who knows what will happen - but I guess my point is that I could tell early on that this situation was different and the choice was easy.

I wish you all the best with your dating path - and have fun !!

So sorry - that is so disrespectful of them, especially after the generosity. I have a bench and a plaque for my LH (only memorial as well) and I can see its wear and tear so feel I may have a few issues when this comes about. I also had to pay for the plaque (although he died in service) which I was ok with but they wouldn't let me choose the supplier or style I wanted...had to go with local that everyone else uses.

First of all - congrats ! And some people's reactions to things can be "funny" - some are happy (great! but don't overanalyze and put the married pressure on) while others might have trouble digesting the change (I know my MIL would for example). But don't feel pressured for a timeline/progression in your relationship based on others reaction - I think some people just feel happier if they see us re-coupled and some feel just like we are in a committed relationship that marriage is coming next.

I have struggled with changing my FB status so I am 5 whole years out but still "married" to my LH according to FB. I just like being connected to his page and don't want to lose that. I will often post pics of our son on it so his friends can see updates. And to be honest, I haven't been in a relationship where I was sure I wanted to change my status (until now). I think, though, I would only change if I was engaged but that just my preference.

I'm just posting this for others with young children - my grief therapist gave me this Sesame Street DVD for my son and I to watch - "When Families Grieve". So we watched it yesterday. Its admittedly sad but my 5yr old was able to see other young children who are dealing with similar loss. And we talked a lot about his Dad after watching the video- as he continues to feel and express to me that somehow we can bring his Dad back...but I keep explaining we can't : (

I'm sorry Maureen - widow hugs from the East Coast. Your John just seemed like your match - and its so unfair he was taken from you so soon.

I hear you - I'm having trouble trusting...I'm dating a great man right now but I keep looking for red flags. #whatswrongwiththisguy.  Just enjoy your time with these good dates klim! : )

Thank you for posting this as I think this has happened to most of us. I've worked very hard to try and not yell at my son but there are the odd days when I am so exhausted and he's pushing my buttons so it happens. When I feel myself losing it, I do try and leave the room before it happens but if I do get upset I sit down and have a conversation with him afterwards. I have also put myself on the "naughty chair" once or twice! I have  explained to my 5yr old that sometimes we fight given stress but I love him more than anything and I apologize plus explain. Then we hug and talk. Although I wish it wouldn't happen I do think it shows him good conflict resolution and recognition that anger is a human emotion but it's important to deal with it properly. So please let's not be too hard on ourselves - we are doing the best we can in the circumstances plus we can try and make changes where we can!  Honestly I'm so impressed by how much the solo parents on this site do. A slip up once in a while is going to happen but then we move on. And your kids will understand that - the fact you care so much does say a lot!

The problem is that lack of sleep feeds on itself and can exacerbate the grief and/or depression. I personally am not a big fan of pills so I try to find natural ways to get to sleep. Honestly, one of the best ways is just wearing myself out (between work, my son and fitting in an aerobic workout I can be very tired at night). I have also used relaxation yoga and meditation tapes. Agreed that screen time in bed can be terrible for sleep -  although I'm terrible at watching my iPad in bed when I can't sleep. Sending solidarity on the no sleep - I have a lot of my mind right now  so having trouble sleeping these days. Last night I just surrendered, got up at midnight and made myself a cosmopolitan and a small snack  and watched Girlfriends Guide. And I slept like a baby after that.