Captains wife

I found out some things about my husband when I went through his email, 4 months after he died. I was hurt and furious by what I found -  although I know he loved me very much (also evident in emails). The anger that came out after finding this was not good and it took a while to get over ("complicated grief" my therapist called it). But in the end, I didn't tell many people (I didn't want him to be remembered for some of his poor judgement) and I let it go - and I now focus on the positives. Dwelling on the negatives only prolonged the grief and made it worse. I wish you all the best and I'm sorry for what surfaced - not easy to deal with on top of losing our spouse.

I dropped off Match 4 months ago (hidden profile) and I just got a message from a guy who ghosted on me very quickly over the summer. His email said that our timing was "off" but could we reconnect? WTF? I've been internet dating for years and ghosting is so common...so don't take any of it personally- usually has nothing to do with you but the other persons situation.

Good you found this guy out and kicked him to the curb. Yes, block him from your phone, social media etc. And sorry you are going through this. If guys (people) want to be out doing this why do they pretend to want to be in a relationship? That just  pisses me off.

So sorry this has evolved - and especially around the holidays...The "roller coaster" ride of relationships is never pleasant and is unsettling. And as you wrote, your relationship had evolved to a very good place so this must seem out of left field. I was in a situation that was similar in some ways but different - the man I was seeing for 18 months would do and say things and our relationship would seem great and on a great track (he even mentioned marriage at one point) then he would turn around and be very cold/distant. He had real trouble with the "L" word although I know he cared for me a lot. Over time, it became apparent that he was so damaged by past things in his life and his broken marriage that our relationship was never going to evolve into anything more than it currently was (i.e. Monogamous dating, living seperate lives). I am not sure I want to remarry but I also realized I wanted more togetherness and wanted that as a potential option. Although very difficult, I am happy I extricated myself from that relationship...although it wasn't easy to let go. One key difference was this guy wouldn't communicate with me and it is very good that you two are communicating and he is being open about his feelings/situation. Good idea to give him some support as well as space - and see how you can work on the relationship. Agreed that the holidays can bring up all sorts of emotions. Would he consider couples counselling? I honestly think it's a good idea - even for unmarried couples who hit a bump in the road. I have found in this Chapter 2 dating life that a lot of men have emotional baggage from round 1 of being married so true recoupling is tough for them - I was surprised the number of men that just want to stay in dating mode. Wishing you all the best and sending widow/Chapter 2 solidarity.

I hate to admit it but I have tons of online dating experience - before and post widow. it is a lot of craziness but I did meet my husband that way and after many rounds post widow...I was ready to throw in the towel but then met an amazing, sweet man - who I am currently dating and for the first time in 4 years of dating, I am happy with this person. In my experience, I do keep away from smokers (many of them too can have addictive personalities), I am very wary of recently divorced or currently separated (often too much anger though depends on the guy), stay selective (otherwise u go crazy chatting with everyone), keep the online communication short (not endless emailing or texting) and speak on the phone first before meeting, dating someone at a similar stage in life can work well (i.e. Similar age with similar aged children), try and find out early what their  "deal" is (I was naively shocked at how many men online really don't want a true girlfriend -  like staying detached), any very  early sexual talk or advances is huge red flag, try and find someone with similar interest/hobbies (great way to bond), go with your gut instinct (I wish I had with some of the past guys I dated). Good luck - there are great people out there...just takes a while to find each other!

I hear you....I wrote a number of posts on this (goodness knows where they are) as I spent a lot of time thinking about and figuring out what would make me happy in this new life. This is especially the case as  recoupling was proving to be much more difficult that I thought. And after a long time feeling very sad and angry, I knew I wanted to be happy...but how?

So I watched a number of documentaries on "being happy" and read that book "The Happiness Project".

Then I made a list of what I wanted to do with my life to make me happy and I started working on it. I thought about what I wanted out of life and the things that would give me short term vs long term happiness. I thought about what was making me unhappy and how I could change that. I also came to the realization that I was never going to be happy all the time (and I don't think that's possible actually) so if I had "down days" that was ok.

Here are some of things I did for myself that might help steer you in the right direction.

1) I wanted to feel better so I started exercising regularly (endorphins!) and changed my diet including really cutting back on drinking alcohol. (just a glass or two of wine here and there)

2) I cut my work hours and scheduled more work at home days to spend more time with my son but also to make sure I have my own time.

3) I sought out new social circles to find like minded people and to indulge in some of favorite hobbies. For example, I sail in an all women's program, I joined a "Power of Women" group (i.e. a social group for women who had been through big life events) and I joined some wine groups as I wanted to learn more about wine. Its tough to do and it took me a while to rebuild my social network but it was worth it. Some social connections didn't work and I just accepted that and worked on the ones that I enjoyed.

4) I allow myself downtime from my exhausting life. For example, if I feel really tired by the weekend my son and I have our "lazy day". PJs for much of the day, allowed to watch movies, read, play games and eat in front of the tv.

5) I cut ties (or at least lessened interaction) with people who had been actively in my life who were upsetting me (i.e. toxic ex who wanted to be friends) and I made more effort to be in contact with people Im close to and who I want in my life.

6) I started doing more charity work (I deliver meals on Thanksgiving, I'm the Treasurer for a local club, I give small donations to charities) . It felt good to do things for others.

7) I found ways to bond more with my young son - including doing more outings/adventures with just the 2 of us. I used to look longingly at two parent families everywhere we went but now I am just focused on how much fun my son and I are having.

8) I do pamper myself on occasion - spa, some retail therapy, some parent downtime (ie going out with my friends)

Hope this provides some ideas - wishing you all the very best.

That is a lot Trying but your fiancé sounds like such a great guy I am sure he will handle all of it : ) I am not at the blending stage yet but I thought of a few suggestions based on your point that you want to make your own traditions with NG. (I am trying to make new memories and traditions with my son and I for holidays since our loss).

Can you ask him about what he traditionally does on Xmas with his kids (and then surprise them with it at your house)? It can be a favorite food, favorite dessert, adding their stockings to your fireplace, a game (we used to play charades on Xmas eve for example), writing a letter to Santa with him and his kids or a gift giving tradition.

Think of something special you can do for your fiance in the Xmas spirit - like buy your first Xmas tree ornament that symbolizes your first Xmas together as a couple or have his favorite drink readily available or is there something special he would like for Xmas breakfast (for example, in our house its Xmas bread)?

I think special touches like that might go a long way, especially if you can weave in some of his family traditions for him and his kids plus create your own.

MS - I have come to realize that people come in and out of our lives unexpectedly....sometimes multiple times and for many different reasons - and it can hurt. I am sorry she isn't being more sympathetic and she seems focused on her own life. That often happens too. Maybe you two just need a temporary break from each other and, although painful, it doesn't mean that the relationship is gone forever. Maybe you two are just in different places right now or maybe your lives just demand different attention now ? I have come to realize that when people are upsetting me or draining my energy, I don't need this in my life now especially as I am trying to rebuild my low post-widowdom. I would give her some room for now, maybe give this relationship some time and focus on your other friendships, interests, people or others in your life. I understand she has children and thus a lot on her plate but its important to keep in touch and not have you make all the effort. I have children AND a full time job and although I don't see certain people or am in touch all the time, I try and make some effort to keep connected as best I can - more so if the person is a close friend. Sorry MS...this cant be great to deal with : (

Yes is the answer - although it admittedly felt strange at first. Especially saying their name when talking to them.

So....when I first started dating (a few months in), I dated a guy with the same name as my husband and I was rather smitten with this guy. I thought (no judgement here lol) that it was a "sign" that I met another guy with the same name and I had quite the crush on him and for the first time in months and months I felt happy in someone else's company. Long story short....the guy turned out to be a big jerk (lying about age and other things) so my "sign" disappeared. After that, I was much more realistic about the name thing  - i.e. it would just be a coincidence and tried to disassociate the name. Funnily enough, I am currently dating someone whose middle name is the same as my husband's first name. Its now comforting in a way...and hopefully a better sign.

Wow SunshineFL. So sorry that happened!! That is def a cautionary tale - I've been harassed from online dating but that is a whole different scary level. Smart to take action....be careful out there ladies.

I really smiled when I read this post - I wish you and NG and your blended family all the best. I remember your posts as your Ch2 relationship was growing. I am so happy for you and so happy you found such a supportive Chapter 2.

Ugh - sorry. I like the leaks analogy BTW.....I find that everything goes along swimmingly, I feel at peace and then something happens, then another something happens and it tumbles like house of cards and I feel overwhelmed. Luckily after a rough weather patch my seas are calmer now but it can get turbulent and then I feel sea sick....Wishing you no more contractor headaches !! I find that stuff stressful....

It will continue to get better. Wishing you all the best mikeeh. I know how much this process can hurt - and those responses must have hurt : (

Does anybody have those dates that just never disappear ? I have had a few men who I went out with only a handful of times (at most), then either no connection or they go poof and then they turn up MONTHS later and try again (with texts) ? This has happened to me several times...sigh.

Nice data mining klim! Unfortunately it can require a lot of quantity dating to meet quality...or at least a decent match. I found there was profile fatigue once I was online for a while. I had a run in with Match so I had to close down and re-open a new profile on round 3. Suddenly there was a flurry of new interest and from a number of guys that contacted me before. Another option is to try a different site ? All the best - its a jungle out there.

For some reason, I didn't forsee how difficult it would be to recouple after I lost my husband suddenly. I thought that I wouldn't be single 4.5 years on in the process....I have dated and had "boyfriends" but the togetherness that I had with my husband or even past boyfriends was never there in any post widow relationship. Unfortunately or fortunately, I am now getting very used to my own life and sharing it with my son. I try and keep a relatively busy social and family calendar to stave off the loneliness. I used to really want to recouple much earlier on (I craved it and was so envious of all the couples in my town) but I don't feel that any more. I was seriously getting ok with just casual dating (online) and started telling people that I was likely going to be on my own for a long time. Recently, I very unexpectedly met someone who I quite like so we shall see. But I still don't have the longing to recouple that I used to have. So I get it...but I do also think humans weren't generally meant to be alone.....Hugs to us all....

Triggers are so tough. Some of mine are understandable, some odd.

Seeing the empty dock where his boat used to be.

FB Memory pictures that pop up.

Seeing TGIF frozen chicken wings in the freezer section of our local grocery store (he tended to pick these up when we were out food shopping together)

Seeing a black Dodge Ram 1500 on the road (older model) - I bought him this truck after we were married

Hearing certain Rihanna songs which I remember listening to with him.

When our child has large benchmarks in his life (birthdays, starting kindergarden etc)

I'm very happy for you - thanks for posting. He seems VERY thoughtful : )

I also recently met someone who is amazing and I am really enjoying dating him, even though its early days right now. (I'm also happy I didn't throw in the towel as I was getting very fed up with dating). One key thing I learned from him (which he shared with me) was about the "5 Love Languages" - and not everyone speaks the same love language. And affection, support, love, caring can come in many different forms. Luckily we seem to speak the same "love language" on certain levels.

This new Chapter 2 stuff is tough...and its much harder to recouple than I would have thought. I also empathize as I see 2 parent families everywhere and miss mine. Now its just me and my son. And unfortunately after 4.5+ years, I am getting used to it this way although I know ultimately it isn't what I want but I am so tired of trying to find the right match and have been burned a few times.

It sounds as though you want to know answers with your NG sooner rather than later (I get that!) - but it sounds like he cares for you very much and perhaps needs time given what he has been through. At 7 months, it seems soon (or even not a good idea) to give any ultimatum but gently talking to him about what your longer term goals are is important at some point. So at least you can make sure the two of you are on the same page potentially for the long run. You may want it all but some people move at different relationship speeds than others, especially if children are in the picture.

I wish you all the best  - and hope ultimately you get what you want out of Chapter 2. None of this is easy....

Wanted to edit to add that worrying about the future sometimes too much can also negatively impact your relationship in the present..but it doesn't hurt to do a check in to see what a potential partners longer term relationship views/goals are.

Im so sorry - at 16 months, that is not far out in the grieving process. I am 4.5+ years out and I remember the tough first few years. And, no, people who haven't been through it don't seem to understand. At 16 months, the oddest triggers would set me off and the waterworks would start..and not stop. Just riding home on the train (he used to meet me and pick me up and now I drive home alone..alone), seeing his fav foods in the store, going to certain places, seeing some of his stuff at home. I do want to let you know that the sadness softens over time but should feel your emotions as they come. Be extra good to yourself during these tough times.....

Sorry - sometimes it just comes back. I've felt this way too recently (after months of feeling great)....many hugs. It's just not fair sometimes....

This probably sounds a bit crazy but I sometimes envision him standing off in the distance, just looking at me with his huge, infectious smile. He used to pick me up at the train station as we were broke and shared a car and sometimes when I get off the same train (alone) I will myself to see him standing there, same smile.

I so hear you...I just don't feel like I can get really emotionally attached to any man these days. I know I have my guard up but there's something else going on I think....people keep saying to me that if I met the "right" one, that will all change- but I'm not sure. I don't have a lot of advice therefore but understand your feelings on the subject and can commiserate. I think timing is important but also key is really meeting the right match, especially as we get older and really know what we want. All the best,

Sorry she obviously didn't mean it - but it made me teary just reading this.....

Seagirl - First of all, I am so so sorry for your loss and what you are dealing with. Please know this Board will be of comfort to you as you navigate through all of this. I wanted to share this with you - my husband died in a boating/drowning accident and the life insurance company launched an inquiry. MAKE SURE you fight for what is rightfully yours - in the end I hired a lawyer and the life insurance moved very fast to pay out after move, and with interest. Make sure your husband is well represented in the inquest and make sure there isn't unfair blame or liability placed on him. I spent a considerable amount of time with this (and I understand how horrible it is) but make sure you and your late husband are being treated fairly. I am now 4+ years out (and have a small child) and I will tell you that although it seems impossible to see this now, time will help heal what happened to you and your family. I wish you all the best....