hikermom

I have no social life. My daughter is 11, we live in a very rural area, and when I have a sitter for her it is so that I can work late. I have - reluctantly - resigned myself to the fact that I will not be dating for awhile. However, it is hard to be my best self as her parent when I feel so lonely and isolated. It is a conundrum.

(((RIFF))) You have my admiration and have inspired me! This is a huge step and one that I hope is freeing and creates some space for you to imagine new beginnings while retaining that critical part of F. that will always be a central part of you. I know how much you have travelled in the past year. This is yet another milestone in that journey. Now I have my focus for this weekend!

Ah shit! I thought I was beyond all that. That year 2 was the turning point. I'm so sorry it is hitting with such force. I'm sure that you will cope - with humor, grace, irony, intellect, and sheer force of will. Much love!

Jen I was totally there, where you are. Cognitive dissonance is a great way to describe it. Honestly, I think most people could not grasp how it is possible to live two such distinct and different experiences at the same time. For what it is worth, it can and does get better. I can't remember where you are time wise, but some of my most challenging times were in year 2. Around 12-18 months I just tanked. I thought that it was impossible to live with such despair and yet had to for my daughter. I'm coming up to 3 years and it has become a quieter and calmer part of me. I am not the person I was before my husband died, I'm not who I was after he died, but am finally starting to find a new "me." There are still bumps. I despair of ever finding someone to share the second half of my life with. But I'm learning to be myself. A whole new, wiser, gentler and kinder self. Kinder to others but perhaps more importantly kinder to me. You will get there. This is a much longer and harder journey than you can even begin to guess at - I'm guessing I will still be dealt some bumps and detours. But we've been through the worst. We can get through the next. And we will all be here to lend a hand.

I have nothing to offer but hugs and admiration for how far you have come. I have followed your journey and know how hard you have worked to put one foot in front of the other. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You will get through this milestone, as you have others. I hope you know how much people here care about you. (((Alexswife)))

Sorry to once again miss out. Hope you all have a fabulous day. Hugs from me all around! Have a glass of wine out on the patio for me!

Beautiful spring day here. Pretty much the first one of the year. Participated in a town meeting style revote of the school budget this morning. Amazing process to witness - folks of very different views and strongly held beliefs engaging in civil discourse to arrive at an outcome. Then we had Green Up day - oldest in the country where the state citizens go out en masse to clean up the roadways of garbage. It is really nice to see folks taking ownership of the state like this. Spent the afternoon raking, cutting up downed limbs for firewood and looking for wood frogs in the pond. It was a good day. In my jammies now, listening to DD sing in the shower, two dogs curled up next to me, trying to decide what I might watch tonight. Good Saturday night to all my fellow wids out there.

Helen, I'm so sorry this is a time of struggle for you. Being on a similar timeframe, I've followed so much of your journey and it pains me that you are facing these challenges with your health, faith, children and lodger. It sounds as though you have made some critical decisions. I hope church proved helpful this week. As CaptainsWife said, I'm not religious. Don't attend church and don't feel a connection to any organized God (or disorganized one, either!). I find peace in the outdoors, in music, in my dogs. Yet there are certainly times that peace is elusive. It never fails to surprise me that after a period of seeming growth and calm, I can be tossed back into the turmoil left after my husband's death. I also try to not let widowhood define me but instead try to define widowhood. Some days I'm more successful than others. Just yesterday I was all kinds of crazy - completely irritable, cranky with my daughter, angry and frustrated, and talking bitterly to my husband as I was working in my yard with the never-ending raking and clean up from our awful winter. Widowhood definitely defined me yesterday but at the same time, in the midst of my crazy rantings, I caught a glimpse of myself and who I am trying to be. I'm damn strong and capable and amazing. Can't for the life of my figure out why some guy hasn't snatched me up yet! Widowhood has played a powerful hand in making me who I am today - the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. It has forged me into a stronger and, usually, more resilient person. Yet there are certainly times that resiliency is tested. Although we haven't yet met IRL, I know that you, too, are strong and capable and amazing. You've had a rough winter but hopefully will emerge again this spring. I think we all deserve those green lights - certainly you do!

I've taken some simple measures. I sleep with my car keys on my nightstand. I can use them to set off my car alarm if needed. I have pepper spray handy and a baseball bat by the bed. I have to admit that I used to really hate being in the house without DH. I've gotten used to it and rarely feel too scared.

A few go to dishes for us: Wonton soup - low fat, low sodium chicken broth brought to a simmer. Add Annie Chuns mini wontons and heat for 5 minutes. Add a ton of baby spinach and cook til wilted. DD loves this and it is easy, low fat and healthy. Harvest quesadillas- leftover mashed butternut squash, black beans, saut?ed leeks and cheddar cheese on tortilla, cooked as a quesadilla. Served with a salad. Pan fried noodles - leftover spaghetti cooked in a single layer over olive oil in a large pan. Often will cook leeks and garlic with shrimp first. Cook the pasta and serve the shrimp on the pan fried noodles. Served with a salad it is yummy. Omelette are quick and easy. I also will grab a roasted chicken on occasion. It is great for a quick dinner. Then I make chicken salad with leftovers and on the weekend cook up the carcass and make potpie.

Inevitably, when I'm feeling anxious and on edge or teary it is due to some anniversary. Sometimes it is related to my husband's death but it can also be other key times. I firmly believe my subconscious keeps track, even when I don't. (((grace)))- 18 months can be tough.

moncoeur - 19 months was a really hard time for me. I'd just passed the year and a half mark and thought I was doing better. When it all hit hard again I didn't know what to think. Now heading into the third year in a few months, I realize that I was doing better. It is all measured in baby steps. Each slide into sadness and grief teaches us something new on this journey. I've figured out that each slide has its own "flavor." In fact, they aren't slides at all but a cycling. At first it was stagnant, I was submerged in the grief as I should have been. But at time has gone on, I've had longer and longer periods out of it. Most days now are okay. Some are even really good. What floored me is how long this all takes. I had a set idea in my mind that a year will bring me to a better place of acceptance and comfort. That is far, far from the truth - at least for me. I still have very few moments of pure joy but I am laughing more, seeing more beauty in life each day, finding myself amidst this mess of my world ripped down. Destruction is always faster than rebuilding which is very hard and messy. At times that I slide back (or cycle back) to moments of true grief, I remind myself to go back to the beginning - be kind to myself, lean into the sadness, remind myself that I've made it this far and through much harder times and that I will come out again. On a completely different note, I used to run the free clinic in my community. I loved that work and miss it - even though I love what I am doing now. It was the one place I worked that had the purest of missions. It is good to "see" you again.

Substitute 33 months and this could be me. It is not a constant thing. I can go days without this feeling, dare I say weeks, but when those moments of surrealism hit it can knock the wind out of me. I can still look at pictures, much like the OP reflected on, and see tiny little details that bring him right back and leave me breathless with the reality that this man has been gone for close to 3 years. How can this have come to pass?

I am fast approaching this with my 11 yo daughter. I work to find a balance between time for her with her friends, time for her with her friends and me, and time for just the two of us. On the surface, she always pushes for the first or maybe the second option and looks disappointed when I say it is just her and me. Inevitably, our one on one time is fabulous. She shares so much about what is going on, we have fun and create great memories. I find that I really have very little time for myself. In part because I have no family nearby to help out and we are in a very rural area where there are few sitters. DD is still to young to be home alone so "me" time is limited. I have no idea how I can try to balance it but I know there needs to be some balance for both of us. I agree with Annie girl- it is critical to make time with them but also need to support their need to differentiate from us. Teen parenting is not for the faint of heart and flying solo just makes it that much more challenging.

It's odd but I feel like I really am, finally, beyond active grieving. Sure it kicks into active sometimes but most days I can get through without being lost in grief. At more than 2.5 years I'm still blindsided by the surreal nature of my life sometimes but we're doing okay. While there are many ways and times that I miss my husband, I find it really hard when I need someone to just process things with. Often it is something with my daughter or my future or the house. But it also includes work. As a supervisor I can't express frustration about a staff person with other people. My family and friends don't know them and don't know the day to day aspects of my work to understand what I'm frustrated about. Only my husband knew and was a safe, confidential place to download. I think this melancholy started this weekend. I've gotten to the point of being comfortable in my house. While my husband can be found around each corner, I've grown used to that metaphorical ghost - I accept his presence and take comfort in it. Those memories and moments are soothing, for the most part. Instead what is hard is when I go someplace he knew and am struck by the fact that he can't share the present with me. He will always be part of the past - he has become static while I and the world are ever-changing. So I can't ever really prepare for a change that will bring into harsh light the fact that he will not experience newness and life and change. Perhaps spring and the promise of newness and life has brought this on or just that fact that DD and I were out and about more than usual this weekend. I had many of those little moments. I'm just really missing my safe space, my constant and confidante today.

Well TS, you know a bit of my story! Very similar boats although I'm blessed with a somewhat regular schedule. Sounds like M is saying the same thing S said re: my job - S. resents my work, resents that I spend time away, hates when I travel...you get the picture. But...and this is a big but (not to be compared to MY big butt! ) - she likes what my job brings. Ie: a roof over our heads, clothes on her back, skiing in the winter, trips on occasion, her Christmas gifts, etc. I can say that M will figure this out - S is on her way to that and she's a couple of years older. Use her as a guidepost for what is to come with M (if you dare!) Regardless of what I say - it sucks. To have those combined pressures of a career and parenthood without back up is incredibly hard. I struggle many days with it. When I'm loving my job, I feel guilty that I'm so happy I get to go to a great job and not have to be "mom" all day long. When I'm loving hanging out with my daughter, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with her. I'm gradually realizing that I'm far better for her and me if I work in a job that fulfills me. In a few years she'll be off for college and, if I'm not taking care of my career and myself, I'd be left holding the bag without any idea of a future. And so now I put my personal life on hold. I work hard at a job I love, I spend as much time as possible with my daughter and try to ensure that the time she is in care or camps is of good quality. She's learning that women can be strong, capable, smart and self-sufficient. I consider that an important part of her education. When I screw up, I admit it and apologize. She is now doing that in return. When she needs me, I'm there - I attend all sports games, music events, plays and make sure she gets to dances and parties. She had a sleepover birthday regardless of the fact that I was sick. She is not missing out and I have to remind myself of that. Instead, she is growing to be a young woman with compassion, generosity and a deeper understanding of human suffering than most adults. We can't be two parents. We are one person and we are entitled to have our own story - not just our child's story. I've learned that I can only do the best that I can in a given moment. I've also learned that even my worst best (if that makes sense) is often better than others. If I don't cut myself slack, no one else will. We are all much harder on ourselves than others are on us. Academia is a different bear all-together and I can't speak to that but...and here is where the big but comes into play again...you can only do your best with what you have at any moment. Trust that your best at the worst of times is phenomenal. M will grow up seeing her mom being strong and smart and courageous and capable. She will also see mom loving her, living life, embracing the moment and sharing her joy and love of all things amazing with her daughter. M will grow up knowing she can be strong and vulnerable, smart and insecure, and so many other things and it is all good. She will know she can be herself. That is an incredible gift you give her - give it to yourself as well.

Not sure who told you that a stress test would have detected the problem but it is a very poor indicator for potential MIs in the left anterior descending artery. That is what my husband died from. He had a stress echocardiogram and was told by the physician that he was in better shape than most college students. He dropped dead while biking less than 4 months later. The coroner told me that the left anterior descending artery was 80% occluded. It was not seen on echo nor was there any sign during the test. I don't know if it helps you or not to know that even with a stress test, it may never have been detected.