hikermom

Heheheh - my heart was pounding a mile a minute and I jump a mile at every little noise I hear when I'm walking the dogs at night now! I'm a big marshmallow! A funny story I just remembered: one time camping with DH, we heard a noise outside the tent that I thought might have been a bear. I made shooing noises at it which brought DH to tears laughing and saying, "sneezing at it isn't going to scare it away." Turns out it was probably a raccoon. I did not sneeze at the bear the other night - I turned on my car panic button to scare it off! We all have moments, days, weeks when we feel weak and unable to take on one more thing. That is normal and probably happened when our spouses were alive but we had someone to share the burden with. That is one of the things I really miss. Be gentle with yourself - we all get it!

I miss my husband's positive energy. He was the cheerleader in the group - the one who got us up and moving. He'd be the first one out the door in a snowstorm yelling "there are no friends on powder days" and then proceed to wait up for his slow-skiing wife on the slopes. He'd get us out and hiking or biking. He was the one that overcame the torpor on the weekends. I miss knowing someone has my back - no matter what I knew he'd be there for me and our daughter. He had a calm head in a crisis, he would do anything for someone he loved. I miss his hands - beautiful hands. His legs - sexy, beautiful legs. His eyes - full of love and light. I miss his goofy way of making up lyrics to songs - I don't know how he did it but he was genius that way. He was a horrible dancer but it cracked us up when he'd dance. I miss feeling safe, like I did when he'd hold me at night. So many things - big and small - that I miss. Other things, like CaptainsWife says, I don't miss but even those are important to remember because it fleshes out the whole man - not just some glorified version that I have in my head. He'd drive me crazy (a lot) with his messiness, his workaholic nature, his ability to take off and exercise for hours leaving me to deal with stuff around the house and getting DD ready for school or bed. But he was human, with flaws, and I even miss those.

FWIW, MrsDan, I always take something away from your posts. Sometimes I need to know I'm not the only one struggling at times, sometimes I just need your ironic humor. I understand having no time, your life being a shit show - pretty much where I am right now - but I'm glad you still check in sometimes. I don't post anywhere near as much as I did on YWBB but then I was moving away from that site as well. A natural progression as time passes. Just wanted to acknowledge you - I miss hearing from folks that were in a similar timeframe as me and wonder how so many of you are doing. I hope you get some relief from the chaos and challenges.

Welcome Catherine and Katie, I'm so sorry you had a reason to find your way here but hope that you can find the community of support that you need. Catherine - I am not an SOS (survivor of suicide) but there is a section devoted to suicide and other circumstances that compound the loss of a spouse. There are some truly tremendous people that monitor that section and have the wisdom of many years. As TooSoon says, there are also many folks from the UK on here. Katie - my husband also died very suddenly of a cardiac event during a gap to gap bicycle ride. Very healthy, fit man just finishing up 75 miles of some very hard biking. Those first few months are a blur - a numbness enveloped me that helped me through those days. It is truly a protective mechanism. Those first months are all about breathing (shallow breathing is very common - at times it felt like hours would pass and I hadn't taken a breath), drinking plenty of water, trying to eat some healthy food to keep up strength. Slowly the haze will start to lift and you will be begin to feel it as reality settles in but that is a slow process. Keep coming here because it truly does get easier with time. For me it got harder before it got easier but that is part of the journey. I'm three years out and yes, there are still really hard days but they are pretty few. You do find your way back to yourself and back to the world - if you are gentle with yourself.

I'm so sorry, Mel. It is so hard to lose our furry family, particularly if they were one of the few remaining touchstones for our spouse. My older dog is approaching 14 and had a health crisis last week. I don't know how long we'll have her and can only hope that she remains healthy and active for as long as possible. Hugs to you and your daughter.

yaya and Helen - so good to see you both again! I miss my cohort - those women and men that I met in my early days all in the throes at the same time. It was a tough anniversary this year. Not that the day itself was hard because of the anniversary but because there were/are so many other things going wrong that I have to manage. The hardest part of it being the anniversary was that I couldn't mark the day/time the way I usually do. The first two years I had a plan - to be alone or with my daughter, to be outdoors, to be present to what I was feeling and remembering, to honor whatever came to me, to be grateful for my time with him and the lessons his death has taught me. That plan worked well for me in years 1 and 2. The anniversary was peaceful and calming - not terribly sad. I felt a connection to him that I thought had been lost. Because of a whole slew of crises, I was not able to approach the third anniversary in this way and I am, in retrospect, shocked by how much that mattered. Missing the opportunity to be present to myself left me in a reactionary mood all day and I feel like I'm still reeling from it. I hope you both managed your anniversaries as most helpful to you. I hope we can get together again sometime, yaya. And I hope to meet you some day, Helen!

It comes in fits and starts for me. I usually have to make a conscious effort to do so and, when I'm successful at that, find it does help. That being said, I can't always. I used to get down on myself that I couldn't be grateful but sometimes I just can't. I've learned to be okay with that. As I approached the first anniversary of DHs death, I made it a point to find one positive thing that I was grateful for and posted on FB. This was my way of holding myself accountable for gratitude. It would have been so easy to slip into a deep depression or view the world from the very narrow perspective from the bottom of my pit. Forcing myself to write a gratitude post each day for about 5 days helped me see the bigger picture of my life. It reinforced for me that although his death was devastating, that I was irreversibly changed, that I had many things to be grateful for: a supportive community, a sister who loves and supports me, an amazing daughter, sweet and funny dogs, and the knowledge that I had the love of one incredible person - for better or for worse. Sure, there are times that I rail against this situation and I'm not an idiot - I know that the support of the community can be fleeting and fickle and that my sister and family members can fail me because they have their own lives. But returning whenever possible to a place of gratitude helps me realign my beliefs and energy. Inevitably, when I give in to the negative, I spiral downward. When I focus on that which I can be grateful for, I elevate myself. edited to say that I responded to the OP - not realizing this was an older thread!

I've been thinking the same thing, Mizpah. I don't know if there is some way to bump this up in the internet search engines. I originally found my way to YWBB because of a book that had resources listed in the back. I, too, found YWBB to be my lifeline in the first 18 months. I travel here less because I need support less. I have been trying to come on to provide support as I can but find fewer and fewer people. I feel for those that could benefit from this but may never know this resource is available. (I love Good Will Hunting, Serpico! DH and I watched it many times while we lived in the Boston area. He worked in Southie and knew many of the places where it was filmed. I'm assuming your signature is that line from the movie.)

I'm so sorry. I get the problem of knowing what you can and should do but not having the energy or reserves to actually do it. Every little fight you have to engage in to get what you know is right and just is exhausting. I have, more times than I care to admit, felt like it was just easier to let something go than to demand it be fixed. In the long run, though, I'm always happier when I've stood my ground. This widow thing is weird. Some days I can have major, or minor, things happen and shrug them off with a "hell, I've been through worse. This is small shit and I no longer sweat the small shit because I know what is important in life." Other days, a little thing like a bear in my trash can send me spiraling into "I can't take one more thing that I have to deal with because I have too much on my plate already. I've overwhelmed and exhausted and just can't do it." Why am I able to see things in perspective some days and not others? No idea. But I think we all can empathize with that feeling of wanting to just throw up our hands and yell "you do it because I quit!!!" Right now I'm fully convinced that home ownership sucks.

None immediately prior to DHs sudden death but in the weeks leading up to it, he spoke about a couple of experiences when he could have/should have died when he was younger. One week before his death, we were visiting his family and we drove past the site where three of his friends died in a car accident when he was in high school. He was supposed to be with them that day but got called in to work. We talked quite a bit that night about it and how he felt guilty for years. There were other conversations about death and dying and near misses - more so than we'd ever had before - all in the month leading up to his death. Premonition? Who knows.

We often do little plates and nosh from a variety of things. DD will make up a veggie plate with carrots, cukes, tomatoes, celery, sugar snap peas, peppers. We'll make a fruit plate as well. Then a cheese and cracker plate with some hummus. DD loves Annie Chun's mini wontons and will sometimes steam up a few of those to go with the other plates. It's fun and we just pick and eat. I also make easy spring rolls - cook up some ground chicken with General Tsao sauce or other Chinese sauce and let cool. Then soak rice paper wrappers (round ones) in warm water to soften, line with lettuce or spinach leaves and layer matchstick sized carrot, pepper and cuke bits, top with the cooked chicken and roll up. Sometimes I add soaked rice vermicelli to add a bit more bulk. I just cut those in half and serve with a dipping sauce and some veggies. Easy, healthy and tasty - you make the chicken in advance so when you get home from work you can put it all together in about 15 minutes. I find that I buy prepped veggies much more than I should. I usually like getting local, fresh food but it is much easier to buy the washed baby lettuce, washed baby spinach, prepped carrots, etc. My latest meal for me (DD won't eat it but I make it for me when she cooks herself wonton soup - see earlier post) is a huge salad. I'll start with a base of cooked quinoa, add baby greens, pea shoots, tomatoes, cukes, carrots, garbanzo beans, chunks of cheese and top it all with a soy vinaigrette. Lastly, I'll add a soft-boiled egg on top. The warm, melty yolk with the crisp salad is amazing!

Glad you had such a great time, Rob. It sounds like a wonderful trip - a good mix of downtime, activity and fun. My trip to China was anything but relaxing but I agree, more vacation and less work would be ideal. Getting away from home is crucial - it allows DD and me to separate from our usual patterns and connect better. I can relax a bit more without the realities of the housework and house repairs staring me in the face. No laundry, no cooking, no work...ahhh. I feel relaxed just thinking about it. Now, how to figure how to make that happen...lottery perhaps? Thanks for the update and for the opportunity to live vicariously!

I'm with TooSoon. I won't be voting for any of the candidates from the debates the other night. (I too am feeling the Bern). I'm completely flummoxed by Trump's popularity. He is a misogynistic dinosaur who has no intention of engaging in any kind of diplomacy in order to seek successful solutions to problems. Because in his mind, he has all the answers. That is dangerous. The idea of this megalomaniac in power of the U.S. is terrifying to me and I can only hope he burns out fast and furious. Otherwise, can I move to Canada...please?

It looks beautiful Helen. I haven't traveled alone but traveling with one school aged child can have many similar qualities. It was daunting to take the first trip with DD alone. New places, having to navigate on my own, getting a bit lost hiking in the desert(very different environment than I'm used to). Yes I had company of my daughter but also tremendous responsibility for her welfare. In the end, each time we stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, we grow. Sounds like a great trip and so glad you're already thinking about what you'd do next time.

I so wish I could be there! I've wanted to meet you in person for awhile. And MissingSquish was my secret Valentine one year! I'm headed to the Cape in late August to join with my family to scatter my dad's ashes. Unfortunately the chances of meeting up are slim unless folks wanted to head to the Hyannis area (bwa ha ha - who willingly crosses the bridge in the summer on a weekend! ). Hope you guys have fun.

Hugs Donna! I get the jealousy. Fortunately it doesn't hit me too often but there are times when it strikes out of the blue. For me it can either be old couples I know and see them having another anniversary, another vacation together. For some reason, my BIL is the biggest trigger for me. But I have my own shit to work out there - still trying to figure out why I resent him so much! I also get jealous of other people I know my age, who are single and have found a new partner. Not widows/widowers so much but divorced friends. Their kids go with the other parent every other weekend so they have time to date and meet people. I'm actually much more jealous of them. For me, it is the loneliness and the sense of "otherness" that widowhood brings. I sometimes go out with friend couples and sometimes it is good, sometimes a bit awkward. But the feeling of being the odd-man-out never quite seems to fade. I know your situation is different but I think they are all on the same spectrum. I know you're thinking of a vacation all together but that has to wait. Can you do a long weekend or even just an overnight some weekend? Are folks too far away for that? I know how hard it is to be waiting for the call and not get it. I know I can feel resentful that it often falls to me to do the asking. But I also know that it usually doesn't happen if I don't make it happen. Then, sometimes, once you've got the ball rolling, it is easier for the others to keep that ball rolling. Good luck.

Lost, I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. I am grateful my daughter had 7 years with her dad and can't begin to know the unique sadness you and your son feel. It is inadequate to say but it is all so unfair. This struck me. It is so often something I say in part because I don't want to focus on how hard it is all the time or the struggles and sadness and pain my daughter and I feel. But at the same time it is good - we have a home, we have each other, I have a job I love. In so many ways we have more than a good chunk of the earth's population. But the heartbreak is still there, coloring every aspect of our lives. A simple statement that you made but it spoke volumes to me. I'm sending wishes for peace and light out to you.

Thank you all. I hate to come here after so long an absence and post such a negative post. The physical exhaustion of multiple nights with little to no sleep and the emotional exhaustion of the anniversary and worry about my dog took its toll. I needed to just yell out at the universe and have a really hard cry. I'm sorry to dump it all here. Unfortunately my dog is not any better this morning so back to the vet. Luckily my sister is coming up to be with me in case I need to make a decision. I'll get through this because I've gotten through worse, because this is a first world problem in a world where there are many, many others dealing with significantly worse things. Perspective doesn't make it hurt any less but it does change how you approach the hurt. I appreciate all the support, kind words and virtual hugs.

I posted earlier in Beyond Active Grieving but this is a whole new level of shit. Today is the third anniversary of my husband's death. Leading up to today: my FIL died in March, my dad died in June while I was out of the country, and my oldest dog - the one DH and I got together - had an emergency trip to the vet on Sunday. I needed to be in two places at once - with the dog and getting my daughter to sleep away camp. It was crazy and stressful and made for an awful check in at camp - the first time DD has been at an away camp. I managed to get both done and brought the dog home but she continued to be very sick all night. Her regular vet got her gastrointestinal issues settled yesterday and she was eating and drinking fine today. But now it is like her hind end is paralyzed - she can't put weight on it. I'm hoping it is because she's exhausted or has a pinched nerve that will go away but I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep and just the piling on of illness and death, I'm losing it. I haven't sobbed like this in over a year. I think it has been more like two years since I've broken down this badly. I handled my dad's death with great calm - he was 90, was pretty healthy and independent til he died, and died quickly and seemingly painlessly in his sleep. He had been chatting animatedly with his home health nurse then died when she stepped away to check on another patient in his complex. The way death should come to someone. How can you be too sad with that? I was grateful that he had 90 years. My FIL was much worse - sick the last 2.5 years, in a nursing home, incapable of talk, in a wheelchair and needing constant assistance, and leaving behind his wife who is frail and who lived the last 2.5 years caring for this man. I was sadder with his death because of who he left behind even though I should have been grateful that he was out of pain. And so today. Today alone I had a bear visit at 3:30 am and refuse to leave until I got in my car and started driving towards it. It didn't get into my garbage because I have that fairly secure but it was a bold bear that didn't respond to lights or noise. Then a hail storm hit and washed my driveway out. Now this with my dog - I'm having trouble getting my dog in and out because she is over 50 pounds and like a dead weight. She can urinate but hasn't had a bowel movement (TMI - sorry!). I'm all alone and feel it. I'm done. I'm done. I can't take anymore. I'm terrified that my dog will be permanently paralyzed and that I can't handle it. I will have to decide to euthanize her and then tell my daughter when she comes home from camp in 1.5 weeks that her dog died while she was away - just like her Grampy died when we were away in June. Just like she never got to say good bye to her other grandfather or her dad. Oh, and did I say that DD's hamster died in her hands right before we left the country in June? That was awful (okay, I was not mourning the little critter's passing but DD was devastated). At least she got to say good bye to the hamster and the rabbit (who died at Thanksgiving last year). I know I'm catastrophizing. I shouldn't do this but it is hard not to when you're exhausted, and mourning your husband who has been gone three years, and your reserves are all gone, and you are all alone. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of this all. I'm just fucking tired.

So much for my plan to walk and be mindful. A huge thunderstorm brought torrential rains and hail which washed out my driveway - fortunately my car didn't get dented as far as I can see. Not sure if the universe is saying "I'm going to fuck with you today!" or "I'm gifting you with all of these (relatively) minor issues to keep you from wallowing today." So farewell, centeredness; au revoir, mindfulness and hel-lo, Citizen Cider Dirty Mayor (hard cider - not yet but at the end of the day...yum!)

This is so true. When I'm not in a bad place, I have such greater perspective on issues that pop up. I'll take anything good out of this situation that I can and that is a pretty good thing. Stay safe in those storms! I have lots of friends down in southeastern MA and have been following this storm via them.

I'm so glad for the good news. I know you felt that you weren't strong enough for your son but I"m guessing you have an internal strength that showed itself when needed. You got through that - all those triggers and memories compounding the anguish of your son's health risk - and you emerged. What is that saying...tempered by fire? We've all been tempered by fire, making us stronger even if we don't know it. Feeling thankful for you and your son.

I also am glad you didn't delete this, RIFF. We can't always push it down - that doesn't help us or others. This sucks - in so many ways. I get it - the exhaustion, the dissatisfaction with a job done half-assed, the loneliness (boy, do I get that!), the stress, the wondering if it will ever get better. You carry a lot - owning a business, four kids, leadership roles. That is pressure under the best circumstances but this is the worst circumstance. You can only do so much. If you can, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself permission to feel like this once in awhile. You'll find your way out again. I wish I were closer. It would be nice to give you a hug in person but I'll just have to send it virtually. (((riff)))

I don't come here very often anymore - my job is too hectic, my life is too chaotic. But another anniversary has rolled around and I've been struggling with how to explain this life to myself and anyone else who would care to listen. It doesn't help that my dad died 1.5 months ago, my dogs have both had health crises, and I'm just not dealing with tween angst very well. At three years, people have expectations of you - hell, we all know they have those expectations at 6 months. I don't really care all that much for those expectations but it is what I expect of myself that is hard. I'm doing okay. I'm in a job that I love, my daughter is doing alright although she is struggling with many issues but she is still going forward in her life with a pretty strong fearlessness that is impressive to see. I've managed to keep us going. But there is a dichotomy to me, to my life. An appearance that I can't reconcile with how I feel. I can see myself laugh, smile, engage with others, share funny stories or complain about politics, do my job fairly effectively - generally appear to be fully engaged and interested in life. In a way I am but so often it just doesn't feel very deep - like all of that is on the surface and doesn't penetrate down into my soul, into my being. And so others see the smile, hear the laugh and assume that all is well. I'm okay with that until I'm not - until I need someone to just reach out and say "this sucks" or "let me do that for you." This is heavy shit to carry alone. Perhaps that is how it has always been - living life on the surface - and I am just more aware now. I can't truly say when I was last deeply and profoundly happy. When I felt joy all the way to my toes. Instead of moving towards life, I feel like I am becoming more distant. I have a harder time connecting with my daughter (of course that could easily be "tween" years angst setting in!). I still manage to deal with crises or difficulties (dad's death, dog emergencies) or just plain annoyances (bear in the trash) as they arise but I feel as resentful today that I have to do it on my own as I did 3 years ago. I'm lonely but can't remember how to interact with people socially and am exhausted just thinking about dating. Gah - I can barely keep my life in order as it is! And so I am at three years. Today I will be working from home and will take time at 1:50 to walk outside and breathe. I'll remember how I felt when I approached the scene that day, three years ago. How the drive to the hospital felt. How confused and lost my daughter looked - very likely mirroring my confusion and loss. I'll make a point of being grateful for what is in my life, for the time I had with my husband. I'll try to remember to appreciate all the joys and sadnesses and challenges because each one is real and gives me an opportunity to learn about myself. But I know that deliberate consciousness won't be sustainable. I will just have to keep reliving it, reminding myself to experience it. I know that things won't improve without a deliberate effort on my part. It is now time to summon the energy to make that effort. Damn waves - they just keep coming and we have to just keep swimming.

Initially my daughter (11 years old) likes and wants what she knows. Her default when asked about vacations is to jump to Acadia and camping in the summer or skiing in Utah in the winter. Both things that we have done a number of times, both things done with her dad. However, she is game for most anything. She'd love a road trip if it didn't involve long hours in the car. We just got back from 2 weeks in China and she generally did fairly well. We are planning a trip to the Azores next year and I hope to get us to Acadia as well. I try to mix it up with old comfortable familiar trips and new places. Her dad loved travel and wanted to show her the world. It is a bigger stretch for me but the more I do it, the more I want her to experience different places and cultures. I think it is very natural and common for kids to want what they know. Particularly our kids who have had so much turmoil in their lives but I like to help my daughter stretch her boundaries a bit. To make the new and different be - if not the norm - at least be good to try. But each kid is their own kid and really you know what works best for your family. Ultimately, I find just having the time away from our routine to be refreshing and rejuvenating. We get into horrible ruts and need time away (big trip or small outing) to hit recharge.