hikermom

My sentiments exactly! So close yet so far away...

Hi MM!! I don't come on all that often but was so happy to see you here when I popped back in! I am so grateful I don't hear this much anymore. By far the worst thing anyone said to me was from a board member who was also an attorney: "I have been representing a woman in a divorce recently. Her husband left her for another woman. At least your husband didn't leave you for someone else...that is really bad." This was within a month of my husband's death. I could have punched him but was so shocked, I just stared. Amazing what some people think is comforting. But that is just plain stupid.

In some ways I feel like the odd person out in this conversation. Of all of my life, my work is the one where I feel most myself. That wasn't always true following my husband's death. I left the job I was in when he died because I needed full-time work to support my daughter and myself and that was part-time. Loved the work but had been ready for a change for awhile. The job I took immediately after that - disaster! Funny thing was that I think I needed it at the time. It gave me flexibility for my daughter because I worked from home. I had space to do what I needed to for me, my daughter, the house, etc. But it was a highly dysfunctional work environment with the Board I reported to - in that instance, I suffered from a severe case of don't-give-a-fuck-itis. I had zero patience for the politics and pettiness of some of the people. I suffered through for 16 months and then landed where I am now. The difference now? I love where I work - great people, great work, important work. I'm appreciated and respected. I get tremendous fulfillment from my job and knowing that I can support my daughter and me. I don't have a lot of energy left at the end of the day but still manage to run DD around to sports, dances, lessons, etc. Honestly, if I didn't have this job I cannot imagine what I would be like. I think I needed that horrible job to help me truly appreciate the one I'm in now. I have limited patience for drama in the workplace but in many ways I think that helps me. I'm more likely to laugh stupid shit off rather than give it a ton of time. As a leader in the organization, I think that helps my staff move on more quickly. I consistently get great reviews from my supervisor and incredibly positive feedback on my 360 reviews. This is one area I consistently have joy. Damn good thing because I run on empty the rest of the time. I only wish my husband were here to see this - I know he'd be proud and happy for me. He'd say "I told you so" - having always been my biggest cheerleader. However, I feel like a major failure in the most important job in my life - as a mother. I love my daughter, I work hard to be a decent mom but I still struggle to find joy - is it because she is a tween on the verge of adolescence and we'd have been having a hard time anyway? Perhaps. But I hate that I often would rather be at work. That is something I've never admitted to anyone, barely even myself.

Thank you for your honest post. It is still so early in your journey as you try to figure out your changed world. For me, finding joy or pleasure in the first year and a half was elusive. The most I could ask for with my daughter was clarity - I had incredibly clear moments of how I should be with her, how to respond to her grief and anger, how to be her mother. The rest of the time was moving through a fog that thankfully blanketed me in a protective sheath. That fog lifted and it became painful - in some ways more painful than the early days because I was no longer cocooned by shock (my husband died suddenly while biking as well, although his was a medical issue). I'm now more than 3 years out and it have moments of joy as a mother. I still feel that I'm just getting by and not thriving as a parent. The stress of having to do it all on my own is heavy - financially supporting us, emotionally supporting us, logistically supporting us - it is overwhelming. When that is the case, finding the joy in the little things is both necessary and seemingly impossible. Each joy is also painful because it is not shared with the one other person who would have found complete joy in the little things. I don't have easy words for you but can feel it slowly, oh so slowly, returning. Give yourself time and be patient. You are doing a great job - just being there for your children is huge. It will start to come back but you can't force it.

Amen! Mine is only 11 but acting like a full-blown teen. I, too, worry about my constant harping on the negative. When we are so stretched thin with full-time work, full-time parenting, full-time homecare...it leaves precious few resources to be our best self when faced with messy rooms and weeks old food debris in sleeping quarters. I really do mourn the more light-hearted, carefree, balanced person I was before my husband died. I had greater patience and tolerance, the ability to find humor and to manage situations with greater aplomb. I'm sure part of it is her age and looming adolescence, but most of it is just being so overwhelmed. You are doing a great job with the girls. Give yourself a break when you can. Girls are tough - I can say that has having gone through it and given my parents a run for their money (and I was easy compared to many!). The good thing is they outgrow it - we just have to hang on until they do!

So totally not a wimp! It would have been hard on you if your little guy broke his leg were your husband here. Face it - when our kids are hurting, we're hurting. Doing it on your own is so much harder - you don't have that one other person who is totally committed to the kiddo. Relatives and friends can empathize but don't really know what you are feeling. Throw in the incredible sense of vulnerability we feel and the knowledge of how fast life can change into the mix of an injured child and, of course, you're going to be emotional. Give yourself a break. Try not to sweat Christmas - do what you can and what you want and use this as an opportunity to go small and simple this holiday season. So sorry this happened to your son but glad it is not a difficult break. Poor little guy - that just sucks...for both of you!

Captain'sWife, I am right there with you. I was surprised at the intensity of the blues I'm feeling. For some naive reason, I thought the fourth holiday season would be easier. In some ways it is, in other ways it is harder. Each holiday alone with my daughter solidifies our current state, brings us further away from what we had, and seemingly no closer to what I want. It is hard to get in the mood. I flailed on Thanksgiving. Both DD and I wanted to volunteer but I never lined up a place to volunteer until it was too late and no one needed help. Then I couldn't find a restaurant for us to eat at as our back-up plan was stay home and eat out followed by the movies. Now we are headed to my in-laws. Ugh - lovely people but it will be exhausting. I haven't even thought about Christmas yet. No ideas for presents for DD, dreading the annual cutting down of the tree. I feel like a Scrooge and am acutely aware of how unfair it all is to my daughter. Plus all of these emotions put me on edge and ready to blow. I've already had some very trying interactions with my daughter that ended with both of us in tears. That is when it hit me - not only did my daughter lose her father, she lost her mother too. The person I was - the one who had more patience, humor and attention is gone. Replaced by a shrew who is always exhausted, stressed and distracted. This just sucked at my gut all last weekend and I can't shake this feeling. Sorry - no words of inspiration. Guess it is just my job to bring everyone down. Bah humbug.

Short answer - hell yes. I feel incredibly vulnerable now and frequently think that I need to get through until my daughter is done with college, at least. I try to eat well, drive carefully, etc. But I do worry an inordinate amount about health issues. I know my daughter does as well, even though she doesn't tell me it much. She has made it a point to say "I love you" very deliberately every time she leaves the house, goes to bed, I go for a walk, etc. I hate that she lives with the knowledge that a parent can disappear in the blink of an eye. I almost worry more about a long term illness. DD is only 11 and I have no family nearby. If I were to drop dead, she'd have a place to live with my sister. If I were to get very sick - we'd be screwed. I'd be surprised if we didn't think about this as parents. The best we can do is plan and make sure we have a will with direct instructions re: our children, try to maintain our health proactively, and try to remain present to the every day opportunity to love and cherish our kids (something I lose sight of in the face of adolescence!!!).

I was just thinking about year 3 this past week. I feel like Year 1 was survival - learning how to breathe, eat and function now that my world, my future, was turned on its head in the blink of an eye. I was surrounded by fog, pain and loss. I learned to function for my daughter and to just keep going forward. Year 2 was the year of reality (or so I thought). I realized this was real - and permanent. He wasn't going to just walk in the door and make it all better. So I figured out what I could manage on my own and realized I was made of stronger stuff than I ever thought. I moved to a new job that is perfect for me and in which I can thrive and grow. I gained confidence that I can clean my woodstove chimney pipe, split wood, fix my snowblower, manage house issues, juggle my job and two hours of commuting and my daughter's sports/lesson schedule. Year 2 was the year I believed it when I said "I got this." Year 3 is rapidly turning into the year of despair. Now that I know I CAN do it on my own, I know more than ever that I don't WANT to do it on my own. I'm fried, lonely, angry and despairing. That could easily be in part because of the holidays, a fast-approaching major birthday, and the rapid onset of adolescence in my daughter but this shit sucks. I'm staring down the face of a lonely future. The job I love comes with a rotten commute that leaves no time for me. My life is somewhat on hold while I get my daughter through these school-age years. Just the very thought of online dating turns my stomach and makes my head ache - I can't manage the scheduling now. How do I add socializing and dating into the mix. I, too, see where I want to go. I just can't figure out how I'm getting there.

^^^this^^^ If DD is struggling so much with homework that I'm losing my patience and she is dissolving in tears, I tell her to put it away and she can check in with the teacher the next day. Homework should help reinforce strategies and lessons learned during the day. If they can't figure it out in a reasonable amount of time - it wasn't learned during the day and no amount of stress will make it happen. It will just make it worse as they child reinforces in their own mind that they "stink at math" or "will NEVER get this." That is not learning. And no, you don't suck.

I am definitely finding that dd's grief and anxieties morph as she goes through various developmental phases. Frankly, it is kicking my butt. As we all know, grief for adults isn't exactly linear - we swirl and cycle and generally feel like we're in a vortex - but we have a fairly reliable trend over time. With kids, I think they have to regrieve at each developmental stage because they have changed how they view the world. They are reworking the emotions, loss and reconfiguring how their world looks based on some new realization that (say, puberty) brings. This is hard as the parent. I've moved over time along a continuum and really don't want to start over but I have to be supportive and present for my daughter. DD was 8 when her dad died. She is now going on 12. She is regrieving all over again. She has strengthened her fear of the dark and bedtime is back to a struggle. She is incredibly anxious when I have to go away or when she is away from me. She worries about my health. This anxiety is a relatively newer thing that her growing maturity and resulting changing understanding of life and death is gifting her <insert sarcasm>.

Great idea, Gabzmom. I'm working my way through. But still only on Chapter 2. Hasn't grabbed me yet but looking forward to hearing others thoughts.

Once again you took the words right out of my mouth. This is me to a "T". I used to make a lot of the decisions and generally managed most stuff. But really big things or just the things that drive you crazy - we always talked about it. And sometimes you just want someone else to decide. I miss it terribly. The weight of the decisions can immobilize me.

Not much to say except I get it. Evenings are okay for me but weekends are brutally hard. It is still a process to find the new normal.

My husband died right before the start of third grade for DD. I did call the school and set up a time to meet with the teacher and guidance counselor. This being a small town, they already knew, but we set up plans for communication between home and school as well as a contingency plan for DD if she was having a hard time. For the most part, they've been great. It helped DD know what she should do if she was having a hard time or started to cry. I think it helped the teacher as well. I don't say anything at the start of school now, figuring the teacher knows. But even if they didn't, that is fine. The whole reason in the first place was to help DD feel prepared in the early days. I'm glad I did. And am fortunate that our small, under resources school handled it so much better than some.

For me, this is really what it was immediately following year 1 and 2. Both years, the anniversary itself was fine. I was very deliberate in my approach to the day and was open to really feeling whatever came to me. The next day, not so much. I guess I lived in the hope of a miracle that somehow my life would be different, that I would feel different but I didn't. I think what you are feeling is very natural and almost universal. There may not be an adequate name for it but it is real. Angst? Not really but a bit. Perhaps there is a word from another language like Saudade? I love that word - captures so much of what I feel.

This is so true! I can't remember a darned thing and DH would remember all the details of things. I feel like so many memories died with him. I want to turn to him all the time and share some part of my day. There is a challenging situation at work that has me questioning myself - my skills, knowledge and ability. I hate this self-doubt and have no one I can share it with. To just download emotionally. He was my safe space.

I'm so sorry. I have two older dogs, both of which have health issues. It is so hard when they become ill and we know we have limited time. I hope they are able to keep her comfortable and hopefully manage the cancer to give her and you more quality time.

^^^this^^^ You said it all. SB - I am not happy with our school district either. Sports is king and academics are geared to the middle of the road. A handful of kids who are truly brilliant and hard workers do exceptionally well. DD is smart but not terribly self motivated. I know she'll just cruise. I will be making the decision in the next year. But damn, it is overwhelming to consider.

Count me in. I've been wanting to read this so this is perfect motivation.

I'm so sorry you are feeling stuck but so glad you posted. Don't worry about being a "taker" - we've all been there. You need support and that is why this board is here. That is it. As others have said, the process of becoming unstuck is very individual. And frankly, strategies can vary for me from moment to moment. Part of it is reminding myself that I've been stuck before and have come through it. So holding out hope for future action based on past success. One thing that helps me in all areas of my life - not just grieving - when I'm stuck is breaking it down into little bite sized pieces.Sometimes everything feels so overwhelming that I become immobilized. I move through life getting done the bare minimum I need to do to function as a mother and employee. When that happens, I try to identify one or two concrete actions I can take that will help me feel more in control. Something as simple as sitting down and paying bills can lead to the next action. For me the feeling of "stuck" comes from inaction when I'm overwhelmed. If I can create actionable items, I can feel better able to then focus on myself and what I need to move forward. I hope you find a way to manage this and know that you will move through this. It is truly part of healing.

Like so many others have posted that are farther out, I too found 9 months very hard. The fog that had blissfully enveloped me for the first few months had totally lifted. I was starting to see what was ahead of me, not just what happened to me, and that was terrifying. I felt overwhelmed with the knowledge that I was on my own and had to figure out a path for our daughter and me. One year was, of course, hard but for different reasons that I would have expected. The anniversary day itself wasn't bad - it was quite good: peaceful, centered, grateful for our time together. The next day was hell. There was no magic answer to passing the one year mark - day 366 sucked as bad as day 364. I don't know if I thought I'd be "cured" of my grief - not rationally I didn't but perhaps that was my year of magical thinking. 18 months was a tough one as well. By that point I was much better at managing things. I could see that I could do it and was doing it. Perhaps a ray of hope? So when the waves hit at the 18 month mark, it felt like much further backsliding than previously. You are not crazy. This journey is so full of setbacks. For me it was important to keep reminding myself that I'd been through the worst already. I could get through this wave, I just had to ride it out. Sometimes I leaned in to the sadness and grief rather than fighting it. I needed to greet it at the doorway like a friend, let it in because it had something important to tell me. And when I'd learned what I needed to from it, politely escort it back out. The more I am conscious of what I am feeling and experiencing, the better I can handle it. It is when grief is a sneaky bastard, climbing in my window at night to jump out and surprise me, that I struggle to find my way back. Be gentle with yourself. The waves get fewer and fewer, smaller and smaller. And you aren't swimming in the ocean alone - we're all here.

You have incredible strength already but am sending positive energy out to you - you've got this. You took the hardest step already of leaving. and now you've got this community pulling for you with all our might!

I plan to do the same thing. My niece is a metal-smith and makes beautiful jewelry. I plan to send her my engagement ring and our two wedding bands to have some other piece or pieces made. Perhaps something for me and something for DD. Taking of my rings was hard. I had all sorts of emotions and thoughts wrapped up in it. Hard ones like how each step like taking off a ring or clearing out clothes took my husband further away from me. Sillier ones like if my in-laws see me without my ring, will they judge me or think I'm dating (which I wasn't!). It was a big step and one that I took multiple times - like CaptainsWife. After it was permanently off, I went on a quest to find some cool artsy ring to wear on my middle finger. Took me over a year but I now have one and I like it. I'm finding new ways of expressing my inner hipster (I'm too old to be a hipster so it has to be inner!!) and that can be freeing in a way. At five months, I was so not ready to build a new me but you do get there.

That is just shit, Grace. So sorry you are dealing with dual issues that are so emotional and loaded. Good for you for holding your knobend (I love the pejoratives that you and Helen use!!) of a co-worker accountable for his actions.