hikermom

My husband died on a Saturday, I returned on a Wednesday 1.5 weeks later. I was an ED of a small non-profit and I needed to do payroll. It was actually good for me - it gave me purpose and structure to my life after the unexpected death of my husband. I was fortunate that I could set my own schedule and was already only part-time. I did need to leave that job for full-time employment with better benefits. I changed jobs after 4 months. When there is employer flexibility, it is a very personal decision. I was never sorry that I went right back. For me, it would have gotten harder and harder to reenter work world. But that is me - good luck with your decision.

It is looking less and less likely for me. It is over 3 hours each way and I can't manage an overnight with my daughter and dogs. I'll keep track of what is happening here and if it looks like I can swing it, I will. Waaa! :'(

What an amazing post. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. My dad died a year ago at the ripe old age of 90. Quietly, peacefully. My daughter and I, although sad, commented that that is how it should happen. We couldn't really grieve much but did feel tremendous gratitude for how long he was in our lives and that he died a good death. Odd how unexpected, early death changes your perspective. Your insight and thoughtfulness about the journey your sons went through is so resonant. I'm honored that you shared it with us and am glad for your sons that they had that one last gift from their grandmother.

This year has thrown me for a loop since I,too, had been feeling very good for awhile. I have no idea why it is hitting me so hard this year. It is highly possible that the anniversary and concurrent emotions have less to do with the death and more to do with other things. Don't know. I just know that I've been knocked down hard this year. Trying to figure out the basis of it, but suspect it stems from exhaustion, loneliness, lack of hope, entering middle school/tween years, the political environment and many other things. I can be much more resilient when I'm well rested and am exercising and eating well. And honestly, I never thought I'd be this alone at 4+ years. Of course, a mate isn't going to just fall in my lap - as much as I wish it would happen - so I shouldn't be surprised that my lack of effort has resulted in no dates! : I know the advice of needing to take care of myself but I have no support systems so please don't offer up those suggestions. I know they are meant well but I know all that and knowing it only makes me feel more alone when I realize that getting time for me is impossible because I'm so isolated and alone (see the vicious cycle??). I will emerge from this funk - I know what I need to do and will kick myself in the butt to do it. Sometimes you just need to cry in your beer before you get up and dust yourself off. I hate that I generally only come here when I'm complaining but appreciate the support and words of encouragement.

I'm so sorry. How hard for your community, the school, your daughter and that family. Tragedies like this - close to home - can feel so personal now. Over the summer, a boy in my daughter's class lost his dad to drowning. I cried for days thinking about that boy. Holding empathy, knowing how it feels to be the one living the loss, is both a blessing and a curse. Hugs to you and your daughter.

I'm so sorry his fourth birthday was as hard for you as it was. Odd, isn't it, that we can be 4+ years in and still get walloped by grief. Just passed the fourth wedding anniversary since my DH's death and it was much harder than last year. Weepy and moody for days. I found myself back to "leaking" - the term I used for the slow, unbidden tears that just drip of their own accord. No noise, no drama - just a slow, steady leaking from the eyes. I hadn't experienced that for a long, long time. Same with the apathy. Although I'm in a different situation - I love my job and find it very fulfilling - I'm having trouble concentrating. I can't seem to shake myself out of the doldrums. There is something in the air. If I didn't have to ensure my daughter ate healthy meals, I'd probably be dining on Ben and Jerry's and beer. I so wish there were folks near me - I could really use a get-together with others. Do you have any widdabagos happening near you? Perhaps getting out to a new situation with folks who get it could help shake up the apathy. In any event, know you aren't alone. I'm following a parallel track!

Is anyone going to be bringing a kid along? I'm not sure what will be happening with my 12 year old and know that she's more likely to give me a hard time if at least one other tween/teen is going. Really, really hoping to make this!

When you do an activity for a long time, you develop what is called muscle memory. Your muscles become accustomed to the movement making it easier for you to do that movement when needed. You think less about the activity and do it more naturally. I've been thinking about the emotional equivalent with grief. Early on, my body would know before I consciously knew that a key anniversary or date was coming up. I'd get crabby, sad, angry and not know why then realize I was coming up to some key date. That began to diminish around the middle of the second year but the time between July 4 and early winter still does it to me. Despite my efforts to not live in the past, and truly most days I don't, I still struggle to maintain equilibrium this time of year. It starts with July 4, one month before he died suddenly. Peaks on the anniversary of the death but stays fairly prominent through September 17, our wedding anniversary. It then begins to trail off until I'm back at my "resting" state after the holidays. Fall was always my favorite time of year but it is greatly tinged with the level of despair I felt four years ago. My body has muscle memory - both the physical manifestation of grief and the emotional. I now have to be more cognizant of my emotions. Why am I snapping at my daughter? Okay so she's a tween - that could be reason enough - but the drag on my emotions is largely due to this muscle memory. Why am I struggling with concentration at work? I have a harder time focusing and need to know this to be deliberate in how I work to not allow my brain to wander. I know I need to make a new muscle memory of this time of year. I just don't know how to do it.

SVS, My attitude is so variable. Most of the time I try very hard not to look in the rearview mirror too much. That leaves me feeling very much like the best has passed for me. But I also can't look too far down the road because I end up feeling quite hopeless about what is waiting for me. I fear that I will be alone the rest of my life. Right now, I'm so lonely I could cry most days. I love my job and work with great people. I love my daughter but still am tied to her schedule leaving little to no time for me and dealing with tween-hood is exhausting and not fun or filled with happiness! There is a giant, aching pool of loneliness in me. Looking backwards or too far forwards just exacerbates that. I have to believe in the promise of happiness. I've had to adjust what that expectation is and to aim for smaller, more discrete happiness. The kind that is present in the beauty of the world around me or in hearing a great song as I'm driving to work or in the snuggles of one of my dogs. I also have to be careful to not idealize the past. I loved my husband. I miss him every day. But it also wasn't happiness all the time. Don't feel guilty though. That does no one any good, least of all you and your kids. You're a good mom. You're there for your kids. I have a real problem with any mental health provider that tells you "don't say that." What a way to shut down communication with a patient!

Tight hugs Maureen. I know how long you had together and am amazed at what you packed in! I see the photos and hear the stories on Facebook and think "they lived three lifetimes in their short time together." And yet, you should have had so much more, my friend.

Wow - such great comments! I don't come here as often as I did YWBB but love the community when I do. Each and every reply had something that resonated with me. Thank you all. It helps.

So sorry you had to join us here but glad you found it. The grocery store was a huge trigger for me. Occasionally- 4 1/2 years later - it still is. I avoid the cereal aisle because he was a huge cereal eater. I never was. Now when DD wants cereal, I try to avoid seeing any but the kind she likes. DH loved Crispix - I get teary over damn Crispix boxes. Please be kind to yourself. Try to eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, and breathe!! Always breathe. It is not a linear journey, there are no right or wrong steps. But you can work your way to a new normal - even though it seems impossible now, you can and will.

This isn't so much that I didn't think to ask but more that we avoided talking about. My husband had a congenital heart condition that required surgery. For part of it, he was clinically dead because they couldn't complete the surgery while he was on bypass. I never asked him if he had any sensation or remembrance or anything from that. I really wish I knew if he felt more or less convinced of some sort of other existence after death.

Jeannie, I totally get this. Even 4 years later I still am surprised by the sneaky little sucker. I vividly remember getting ready for a big storm to hit - out battening down the hatches by getting loose items put away, digging trenches to divert water from the house, other things. I just broke down sobbing - big wracking sobs, snot, tears. I felt betrayed by fate because I wasn't supposed to do this alone. That was early on but it still hits on occasion. I'm so sorry. I can't do much but I can empathize and can send you some virtual hugs. Oh, and I'm super impressed with the hose thing! I just let mine drip!

It's been almost four years and I still talk about my husband. I can't say late husband - I tried it and it feels awkward and unnatural. I don't talk obsessively about him, it is more casual. Sometimes in passing, sometimes a whole story. It depends. It feels right and it helps keep him present to our daughter and to me. It is not unique to widow/ers- I went on a date and the guy -divorced- kept talking about his wife. Not ex. His wife. After awhile I began to wonder if he was divorced! So I guess I could see how it may feel odd to the non-widowed. BTW, I think I mentioned my husband once on the date - to explain that I was widowed. I made a very deliberate attempt to keep DH mentions to a minimum. I think it is natural. I think people often want us to not talk about our spouses because they feel more comfortable if we don't. Oddly, it doesn't seem to matter if we are matter-of-fact, telling a funny story, sharing a memory, or being emotional. People freeze or don't know what to say so they prefer we say nothing. If you're going out on a date, you may well talk about your wife. She was and is a big part of who you are. Anyone worth their salt should be thrilled that you love your wife. Someone who has loved before is certainly able to love again. In fact, they've got an excellent track record!

So July 4th is the anniversary of the last month I had with my husband before he died. As always, this process (grief? loss? memory?) never ceases to surprise me. When I think I've got something figured out, something new comes along to teach me that I will forever be learning. It is now at a point that I really dislike July 4. Fireworks and celebrations don't jive with the reality of the unasked-for flood of memories. All those things we did in the month before he unexpectedly died - celebrations, vacations, concerts, quiet evenings on the deck - you name it and they arise unbidden in my mind. July 4 is a marker of remaining time left. Even now, four years later. Damn Facebook memories don't help. They pop up and bring me right back to what we were doing in that month that we didn't know was our last. My mind races with the shoulda', coulda' woulda' thoughts that I'm generally fairly good at squelching other times of the year. I feel fragile and scarred and scared for this month leading up to the actual death anniversary. When will these markers cease to have power over me? I assume it is when I stop allowing them to have power but that skill still eludes me.

He is spot on in his assessment of your deep empathy for others. How very insightful for a teen boy - you've clearly engrained some empathy in him!

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I will hit four years in August and I am a completely different person than I was at this time in 2012. There are some fundamental things that don't change - values,my love for Chinese food , my general inability to keep my car interior clean - but otherwise there has been a pretty major change to whom I am as a person. Most of it is actually for the better. I don't get overwhelmed by work "crises." In fact, what people consider a crisis barely registers as a bleep on my radar. 4 years ago that wouldn't have been the case. In many ways, this makes me a better leader at work. I think I have greater patience for people. I feel more confident in myself - my abilities. These good things certainly didn't happen overnight but they did happen. Some things are for the worse. My husband died unexpectedly while biking. I think I have PTSD because when my daughter is late getting dropped off, I have close to a panic attack. I'm more of a control freak about my daughter than I was before. I have become an over-the-top scheduler - like down to the minute with multiple back-ups, particularly when I'm going away for work and she is staying with a sitter. But try to avoid the helicopter mom thing - I try to hide this panic and need to control what I know is so beyond my control. But truly - in most ways - I like the person I am now so much better. When I'm happy, I feel it more than I did before. There is always a tinge of grief and sorrow, but I feel more aware and cognizant of so much. Like all things grief related, this is a double-edged sword, this new person that I am. I like her better, she is much stronger, she's pretty amazing in many ways. But I wish my husband could have known her - he would have been proud and amazed and awed. It is tragic that death is the event that made it happen.

Love the CT scan of my head - how did you access my medical records! Seems like a common ailment. I am my own worst critic, even when I know that no one else really gives a damn or are even likely to remember what I did or didn't do 10 minutes later. Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night or wake me up. The worst is not having someone to do a reality check with. I've lately tried simple meditation - just 5 minutes of deep breathing while focusing on the words "peace" and "love" and "abundance" - I do two or three deep breaths with the first word, then two or three with the next, etc. I am amazed how quickly that can move me out of the negative brain spiral. Sometimes it is just a temporary reprieve but I'm hoping that as I continue to deepen my practice, it will improve many things. Clearly, you aren't alone and your hamster could have lots and lots of friends!

I'm so sorry Linda. Please know you are not uncaring. Your father was 84 years old - by any standards that is a ripe old age. That is when people are supposed to die. My father died last year at the age of 90. I did not shed a tear. It wasn't that I didn't love him - I did and still do. It wasn't that I don't miss him - I do. I had a good relationship with my dad. I was the baby in the family and he greatly loved my daughter and me. But he was 90. That is when you are meant to die - not at the young age of our spouses. I briefly thought I was a horrible daughter but that truly was a fleeting thought. Even my daughter, for whom he was her favorite grandparent, did not really cry. She's 12. We both cried while scattering his ashes with my siblings and nieces but it was more for the pain I saw in my siblings, nieces and daughter. I just felt that he lived a long, good life. My husband did not get to. I think what you felt is very normal. It does not reflect badly on you. I think we all have a different reality than most of our friends and family. They won't really know until they join the "club." My condolences on your dad's death.

Hi Jean Could you put me down as a maybe as well? No idea if I could really pull it off but it may be possible!

If it is kid friendly, I may very well be in with DD. A lot depends on soccer schedule but if she can't make it, I may be able to get her to stay at a friend's house. So count me in - I'll figure out a way to make it work. So glad I came on here tonight. I haven't checked in for months and months!

Some of you who know me from the old board know my DH was an incredible skier. It was a true passion in his life, evidenced by the fact that when he died, we had 17 pairs of skis in our basement for the three of us. Back-country, downhill, cross country, telemark - you name it, we had it. He was teaching our daughter to love it and she was an amazing little skier. The two of them brought me great joy as I wound my way tentatively down the mountain, I loved seeing them laughing and zipping ahead with energy and grace. When he died, I felt a tremendous burden and responsibility to keep that alive in our daughter. It was such a close connection that she had with him and I felt it my job to keep that connection alive. I'd bring her skiing and she'd complain. She hated skiing with me ("you're too slow!") but I kept trying. I'd have her go with friends and family thinking that would at least help her enjoy it more than going with me. It was always a struggle. I think she could sense my ambivalence and she responded in kind. We are now in our fourth winter. Last year, skiing was limited due to extreme cold. She started to get spooked on icy trails (that is pretty much what we have here in the east) and not want to go. We kept at it though. Today was her first day going this year and I got a call from the friend's mother who brought her - she wanted to come home. She was having a horrible time and didn't want to ski. At first I felt awful, as if I'd failed my husband and my daughter. Then I realized that I've been creating this expectation for myself and her that was an illusion. Part of why she loved skiing, perhaps the biggest part, was because it was something she shared with him. He is gone and all my efforts to keep it alive for her could not come to be because he is gone. I had inadvertently created a story that she fell back on to explain away her reluctance to ski - "mom doesn't like it" - when she has been refusing to go or asking to leave early for the past 2 years. I'm sure it is a very complex mix of reasons for why she's been so reluctant the last few years, far more complex than I can tease out but really do I have to? No. I learned today that I have to let go of my expectations - those that I've held myself to and that I've placed on her. I also learned that I have to hold her responsible for owning her own story - that she doesn't really want to ski - and that it is just fine. She can choose her own path and not be beholden to the one we both think her father wanted for her. This is freeing in a way. We'll keep skiing but I won't feel the pressure that I've placed on myself. Instead, it will be when we want to - maybe only a few times a year. I won't worry if she doesn't want to, I won't feel like a failure. I won't feel like I'm letting both him and her down. This really isn't on me - I can provide the opportunity but I can't make her love it like he did even though she loved it when he died. I think that part of her just left with him. Perhaps it is too hard for her. I think we both feel his absence more strongly on the slopes than anywhere else. This is hard stuff. Each realization like this feels like he's further from us but we can't live with his ghost, particularly one that we've created for ourselves. Not sure why I'm posting this here but feel perhaps others may be in a similar situation and can either relate or take hope that you can emerge from some very heavy expectations that you place on yourself to keep living your spouse's life and dreams. You can't - you have to find your own and help your children grow their own as well.

^^^this^^^ Hi SVS - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I was terribly angry with my husband for awhile. He chose the hottest day of the year to go for the hardest bike ride he'd done in decades - riding up the gap in the worst heat of the afternoon is what killed him. At one point when he called home that day I suggested I go pick him up but he just said "I want to say I finished it." It was clear he was tired and it was hard but he was incredibly stubborn! His stubbornness and a congenital heart defect killed him. I felt tremendous anger for a long time - angry at him, angry with his work that had taken such a toll on him emotionally and physically, angry that his first surgeon to repair the defect screwed up and required a second surgery - so many things to be angry about. At some point, I realized the anger was easier to feel than actually feeling. In some ways it felt cleaner - more straightforward. It burned and in some ways was better than feeling so empty because it filled me up, while my grief left me hollow. I have pretty much let go of the anger. Sure it crops up when I'm knee deep in some mess or exhausted and frustrated from doing it all on my own but that is fleeting and situational. The worst of the anger has subsided. I know you aren't avoiding the grief - you've been belly-deep in feeling it for a long time but perhaps there is something triggering it right now? I've learned through this that I'm usually feeling what I am for some reason - it may take time to sort through but when I give myself space to feel and try to align what is happening at the moment with what I'm feeling, it makes sense and I can move through it more quickly. If I fight it or label it or place some emotion like guilt to it, it's harder for me to get through. Regardless I have learned that guilt is not at all helpful. You feeling guilty about the anger serves no good purpose. The anger may well serve a purpose but the guilt - not at all. This whole process stinks, please be gentle with yourself because you're the only one who really can. Many hugs to you.

This is so true and resonates with me right now. I feel this way and when I'm operating in this mode, I'm much better off. Lately I've gotten more reactionary or immobile. I think I still struggle to maintain the energy needed to change, particularly at times like the holidays when so much energy - emotional, physical and psychic - is needed. I may need to cut this quote out and send it to myself for January 2 as a reminder to get my ass in gear and focus on change again.