PhotoJunkie

You are not crazy. Your a parent dealing with a lot of stress and the PTSD stuff. If it makes you feel better, my husbands family shut down disneyland and there were 6 adults involved. My nephew wandered off and none of the adults knew where he was (long story behind that one and not really important) while 4 of us searched, one stayed with the remaining children and my MIL and daughter went to the gate and when they asked one of the employees what to do, they shut the park down. We found him less than 2 minutes later but still...it was terrifying at the time. I think all the adults needed a time out and a xanax at that point. Now? a few years later? We laugh. Big Big hugs to you. Fighting that terrifying feeling that your child is missing is not fun.

Big big hugs to you. I totally hear what you are saying about family members assuming they know your financial situation as I am fighting that battle right now with my relatives. Im so sorry you are going through all of that on top of everything else. I wish I had advice or a magic wand to fix it for you too. One breath at a time. That is my mantra.

hopefully I did this right

Your not the bad parent. At age 16, he should be more than capable of getting himself up and out the door on time for his own interests. I could understand if the electricity had gone out or something like that but obviously you were able to get up and out the door, so should he. You should not have to rearrange your vacation for him to take the classes. My guess is if you did, he would end up missing one or being late to one anyway. This is a good lesson for him to learn re time management and respect for others. Im so sorry it has you stressed out Lynn

Donna Im in....come chat!

Is there someone on your side of the family that is good at event/party planning and can take on the bulk of coordinating a party for both families, then hire bodyguards to kick out those who do not act like adults and behave?? (okay the bodyguards was half serious) Or would it be easier if you had two small parties (spread out the fun stuff between the two), one for each side, that way its more manageable? Im sure if you have a party for him and one side is not invited they will be offended and hurt more, leading to an even more complicated relationship with them. Maybe only invite the ones you know can behave on both sides? And PS your BIL is an ass and I would love to kick him for you. Lynn

Canadiangirl, I saw your post last night and I appreciated it very much. I am sad to see it gone this morning as now I can't respond to it like I wanted to. I did get a response from my sister and her proposed schedule is that my daughter stays with her mon-fri and I get her on the weekends, except she failed to acknowledge or she is misunderstanding that I will be working every other weekend for a while. Needless to say that sent me off the deep end. I have been working with my counselor and I did not respond to her until I have spoken with my lady. I am trying not to act from an emotional standpoint at this time which is extremely difficult. There is a family counseling session scheduled for next week, but I have no hopes it will go well as I have done this before and the results were less than productive. I can attempt to find a mon-fri job with dayshift hours, but they are usually in positions I do not want to work or they claim they are "9-5" and end up being 10-16 hour days. Doctors offices are hard to get into without hospital experience. That is where I am stuck. The timing of my husbands accident severely crippled my career and getting hospital experience. If I had 1-2 years of that experience, I could write my ticket anywhere, unfortunately I don't have that right now. I do not know what the nursing market is in MO. I can only speak for where I currently am. I have been talking to recruiters there and they say if Im willing to work nights, I can get into a hospital fairly easily. Even more so if IM willing to work nights AND weekends. But then I miss out on things like prom, band events on the weekends etc. Nights is doable with help from my sister, but at this point Im not sure she will. Right now the move is not going as planned and Im almost 2 weeks behind schedule and possibly 3 if I can't find another solution to this move (which I pretty much won't) Fun fun fun

I have no advice. Just lots and lots of hugs. You may want to consult with a lawyer. They have free consultations most of the time and maybe they can advise you. Their questions do seem strange and out of line if they were being called because of absenteeism from school. You so do not need this added stress. I wish I could kick them for you! Lynn

It always comes up in my interviews because they want to know about the year long break in employment. I stick to simple facts. My family and I were in a car accident, in which my husband was killed. I have never had to say anything more than that. Its like it smacks them in the head and they just move to the next thing. I don't soften it up or make it more dramatic because that simple statement does enough. I think that if you leave it vague, it leaves room for them to ask more questions. Sometimes just putting it on the table is enough to discourage further discussion if that is what you want. Good luck with your interview!!! Lynn

So your saying you don't want my SIL whose only goal in life is to marry off me and my MIL???? And here I had her all boxed up and ready to ship!! Big hugs!! Lynn

Rob, when stressed and feel like Im cornered, I tend to revert to what I know, not necessarily what is best. Ive lived in AZ most of my life so I tend to "run" there. Going to AZ at this point in time would be no better. It has its own share of devastating issues that need to be left there for the time being. I have thought a lot about the various posts here since yesterday. Sarah also brought up a pro con list idea which at the time all I could see was negative but with a little (emphasis on little) sleep and a new day I am working on the list. Short term speaking I need help with my daughter while I work. 12 hours shifts are just not easy to deal with and most likely I would be working nights till I had some seniority (but i prefer nights) I guess if it all broke down, I might be able to hire a nanny type. Even though the girl is 16, she is not quiet that old. I know I am afraid of yet another bad move. Im tired of being offered help by family only to have them disappear once I have moved and the help is needed. My trust in people has gone way down since the loss of my husband and it wasn't that high to start with. I cannot change my sister. I can offer my ideas and hope she communicates with me, but I cannot make her do it in my way. There is already a huge issue going on now that started today and points out just how bad our communication system is. I do not know how to fix this. I feel as if I now have to keep every single email and text message to prove that Im not making things up. Im tired of living in that world. Where I was feeling more positive about this move today, as of this afternoon Im feeling even more and more that this is going to be a gigantic disaster. I don't know what else to do at this point. I will say that being in the same city as my daughter is definitely better than being states away. But if it turns into an all out war with my sister, then it won't be good for my child. Since she is doing so much better there than she was here, maybe I am the main cause and maybe it is in her best interest that I do not move or interfere with something that appears to be working. Just because its hard for me and not good for me, doesn't necessarily mean it isn't good for her. I have tried to talk to my daughter about it. Multiple times, in person, in text and on the phone. all I get from her is she is concerned another move will kill me (her words) and that she wants me there and misses me. But nothing really in depth or less than I would expect from a kid.

KeepTrying, I have no doubt that is what she thinks. Her posts on FB would back that up. She feels that she has single handedly "fixed" my child, despite the fact that I have been involved, or as involved as she will let me. we have already discussed that part of it a while ago. I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't have friends here to go hang out with. I worked, ate, worried and slept. I was financially unable to move with her at that time and unable to quit my job that made it impossible for me to be a mom. She knew all of this. She knew how much it hurt to have to hand my child over to someone else to raise till I could get things arranged. I have never ever stated I was taking my daughter away from my sister. In fact just because I am moving there doesn't mean I don't need help still. I don't work a job with regular hours. I have acknowledged that her and My BIL have done phenomenal work with my daughter in regards to school and bringing up her grades. I have stated numerous times how I want to keep that system going and have asked her to show me what they do so that the system is the same in both homes. I have acknowledged her hard work and dedication. Despite the fact she has kept me out of several key decisions and has fudged the truth a bit on issues concerning my child. (verified by others, not just my gut feelings) Many in chat will tell you exactly how my daughter living with my sister has affected me. I feel like a failure of a mom all the time and this doesn't help. I sent her away because under the current conditions at that time I could not keep my child safe. Now I am in a position to do so again and I feel as if Im now being punished for putting her safety ahead of everything else. I didn't give my child up because I wanted to live my life and be responsibility free. I just wanted her safe. Lynn

Conversation in person is not possible at this time until I move. She is a five hour flight, 3 day drive away. However, I can't move unless we are on the same page and I have some idea of what is going on. She will not come to me either. I have tried telephone calls, email, text etc. She communicates primarily through email/text. She doesn't answer her phone or even take voicemails. That has been how she has been since the invention of email and text. She prefers it. I hate it but that is how she communicates so I follow her lead in that department. The email was my idea but my counselor agreed with the idea and even helped me write it as to not offend or hurt feelings. I put a ton of thought into this before sending it. Thanks Chopper. I have asked my daughter but she only expresses concern about how another move will affect me. I do not want her to feel like she is in the middle between my sister and I, so I have been very careful not to put her there. The truth is this move will not be successful without my sister's help. So before I make it official, we need to talk and she knows this. I guess I better look into getting my AZ nursing license reestablished just in case. *sigh* I cannot stay in CA. I hate it here and the particular area where I live has NO job opportunities for me whatsoever. I have a limited budget and time on this.

Quick update: Last summer my daughter was found on the internet in adult chatrooms and giving out our address online. This was the last in a string of dangerous behavior. Due to my circumstances at the time, my sister agreed to take her and we would play it out month by month. She ended up staying with my sister for the school year, as the legal stuff was still dragging on. In January I went to see her for her 16th birthday and came home feeling like I needed to move there because I was tired of missing out on her life and being with her in these next few years, but before I could form a plan and talk with my sister, Work stepped in and forced the issue. Until I decided to move back, my sister would push for me to move. Now that the decision has been made she has completely shut down. If I bring up the move she either changes the subject or becomes extremely negative about whatever we are discussing at the time. She refuses to talk about anything. I spoke with my counselor and my mother. They both expressed that they are concerned that my sister is afraid she is losing my kid. They are close and are very much two peas in a pod. So I decided to try to alleviate this concern. I sent her an email stating that I wanted us to be on the same page with my kid. Before I decided to move, we had these conversations all the time. ....."well if you move here, we should....." So my email said that I was going to write down my expectations and that I honestly expected to have to change them based on her answers but that my main goal was we were on the same page etc. Lots was said about family time together, my daughter would still be with them 3 days a week due to my job etc. That was days ago. Since that email her Facebook has been full of things about "her kids" and "her daughters" etc. This has always rubbed me wrong because my daughter is my daughter. I raised her for 15 years, she hasn't even had her a year. Its the tone of possessiveness that drives me batty and I struggle with it because I don't feel this should be a competition or a possession issue. Even typing it out I feel stupid of feeling that way. Now she won't talk to me. I asked her if she even got the email and she said yes but that was it. Wouldn't talk to me about another thing. She hasn't texted me, which is out of the norm, she hasn't answered the email. How can we do a smooth transition if she won't talk to me. Am I expecting to much by asking her to talk to me? She has a limited guardianship for education/medical decisions. Can she keep my kid just with that? Im supposed to be moving there in the next few weeks. my daughter will stay with her till the school year is out just to not disturb that process. But what if she refuses to give her back? I know I sound like a paranoid freak of nature but this is the way my family works. Her absolute refusal to discuss the move, discuss how to make things smooth for my daughter, etc have me very very worried that she is going to say no when it comes time for my daughter to come home. That is a fight I will not survive. Has anyone been through something like this or know anyone who has and has words of wisdom on how to avoid this?? Thanks! Lynn

Yesterday I was having issues with stress, anxiety and panic attacks. Without knowing I was having these issues, a member from our boards/chat sent me an awesome text message just to encourage me (granted she does this often but her timing yesterday was amazing) Two members from the chat room also helped by one talking me off the ledge earlier in the day and calming me down, the second member got me to get some major things done that I had been panicking about. today I have accomplished more than I have the past two days because of these three people. Not once was I laughed at, told it will be okay, patted on the head or made to see their problems are worse than mine (which I know in some cases they are) They just nodded, hugged and encouraged. Im so grateful to have this community in my life. Lynn

Im in for the night Got a bit of motion sickness today while playing tourist so Im staying put and not moving

Sorry. Was in there over an hour and fell asleep . Will try again later tonight

Im there now. All By Myself!! (yes I was singing that ) PJ

Im Lynn aka PJ. I joined in July/August of 2012 after most of my family had been in a car accident that killed my husband. My husband, myself and our daughter, (age 13 at the time) were headed out to join friends camping. It was something we did at minimum of monthly, if not more. I had fallen asleep because I had worked the night before and I was used to his driving. I woke up 2 minutes before we jackknifed and our truck flipped. Everything after that gets fuzzy in most places, with a few moments of startling clarity. The end result was that my daughter had a very mild sprained ankle, I had cuts and bruises and glass imbedded in my hand. My husband however died of blunt force trauma and asphyxiation. He was 36 years old. We had been married just shy of 18 years. Our son, who at the time was 18, was not with us. Had he been with us like he had been for the previous trips, one of my children would have died as well. My husband was a local Police Officer. This meant a lot of protocol and I had to notify family way before my brain had caught up to the whole thing. I met the police chief in a hospital gown and with a large to go cup of Mt. Dew. I had to call his mother and his sisters on the phone and tell them he was gone. I had to tell our two children that he was gone. I called my mother and sister to tell them. All within minutes of the doctor coming to my trauma bed to tell me that he was gone, although I beat him to it because he couldn't quite get the words out. That was 2.5 years ago ish. My daughter is now 16 and living with my sister (hoping to move there soon) My son is 21 and very angry at the world, me in particular. He wouldn't be the first in our family to wish it had been me instead of hubby. We are still no where near on a road to any kind of recovery at this point. Im beginning to wonder if that is just another pipe dream fed to us so that we keep moving and don't give in. Im glad the boards are still around. I read a lot of late and post very little but they are the first place I go to. I have made very very very good friends here and I think without this board and the chat I would not have made it this far. Lynn