anniegirl

And so what does he think? Because you've discussed your reservations and fears with him, right? There's a lot going on for both of you and none of what you've shared is a smallish issue when it comes to combining lives and families. But you say you have a really great relationship anyway. Even with the problems. If you haven't talked with him about your fears, expectations and what you really want to happen going forward - you should. That's where you start. It's probably not as all or nothing as you think. Nothing is really that black/white. But I wouldn't throw in the towel until I'd had a good long conversation, listened to what he thought and tried to come to a middle position. If it were me. Then again, I immigrated to another country to marry a guy I'd met on the Internet and had known less than six months. (spoiler - I am still married to him.) Still, I vote - talk to your guy before making any decision. jmo.

Decided to look it up and post the link: http://www.ssa.gov/planners/survivors/onyourown4.html

Mangomom, it goes into a joint account because I was also told to make sure of that before she turned 16, but I live outside the US now and don't keep up on changes like I should, I guess. I will check the website. Thanks.

That's interesting to know because it wasn't what I was told. Gotta love SS, eh? Does anyone there give the same answer twice. Thanks for updating me.

It's a set amount divided up between all the children. Children lose their benefits when they turn 18 or graduate from high school - whichever comes first. Which mean that they are definitely able to keep the benefit til they finish high school but if they were to graduate at say 17 and turn 18 after, the graduation date is what trumps. Yes, your older daughter's money will revert to the younger children. The overall amount is always the same and is just divided among eligible kids. One thing though, at age 16, the money is theirs. Until then, the money comes to you as the caregiver but at 16 (as I understand it) the money goes directly to them and your name will not be on the check or the direct deposit. An odd thing but the benefit is technically theirs and not the surviving parent. I am not sure what Uncle Sam was thinking when he decided that a 16 year old should get a monthly benefit in their own right but that's gov't for you.

kmouse, you are sassy and a grammatical inspiration. Who needs to be a pillar? gracelet, no backlash. You are preaching to the choir. tableforone, it's good to see you. And to All, I've love reading your words. This is an amazing thread.

Making others happy - even our children - does not have to bring us happiness. There is a satisfaction in it, perhaps, but I have always felt that happiness is something we do for ourselves. A choice. But hard to choose when our options are limited by circumstances. The struggle that I still have is that care-taking and grief changed core things about me and some of those things, I don't like but can't be fixed. Physical things. Emotional things. I am not sure if I take things in stride. I am not naturally a "zen" kind of person. But after nine years, I am done fighting the changes. I work with what is. I remember reading posts from widows years ahead of me and thinking "good lord, really? they aren't kidding. shit still comes up?" But yeah. It does. It just doesn't flatten me anymore. Probably not you either but it wearisome and it can make you question and wonder (again) if you are doing this all wrong because this or that other person seems so much more put together, self-actualized, accomplished, blah, blah. I am glad you posted. I have been wondering how you were doing as this and that old board member showed up here or on Facebook. Don't worry if a holiday doesn't inspire you to more joyfulness. Holidays are still work when you're a single parent. Being out of the daily routine is freeing for the kids but poses different logistics for you that are sometimes more work than routine day to day.

We may not be pillars, or sassy, but I will take grammatically correct over both any day.

Thanks, Shelby. And thank you for manning this section. A rough one and probably not overly trafficked in comments but so necessary.

- Carey THIS! Exactly. You look around one day and think, "Am I new? Or was the world always like this?" And you don't really ever go back to looking at things the same way. Maybe that's what makes it possible to come back here and still have words to offer?

After nine years, no one remembers but me (and his mother though she and I don't speak). It happens. Sooner or later. People just go back to their lives. I don't think it's deliberate indifference and most are genuinely apologetic when they realize the day has come and gone without their acknowledging your loss. The first year - my own mother forgot. As I recall only my bff remembered on the day and my auntie. It's just another reminder of how the journey really is a lonely one.

In over your head? You knew exactly what to do. You called your financial planner. But rant away! I actually used to go to my late husband's grave to yell at him. Truth. Fortunately, I was never seen. That I know of.

Congratulations to your son! Have you talked with the counseling office at his high school to see if they can help you figure out the financial stuff and maybe even help you arrange a delayed entrance to the school (if that proves necessary). I taught high school. Counselors are there to help with that sort of thing. One day at a time. Today be proud of you both!

Being emotionally too drained to take steps is not something you did to yourself. It's just something that happened because of circumstances. And it's a huge thing to know the direction you would like/should head. Some people don't get that far in the process and never get off the hamster wheel. You don't have to figure this all out by tomorrow and thinking/dreaming are an important in the process. So start dreaming. Give yourself permission. If nothing else, it will fill the time more pleasantly. It's hard. But you are probably doing better than you think.

Fleur, the first part made me chuckle b/c I have been telling Jess I wouldn't write anything much since the proboard and I am totally sucking at keeping my keyboard silent. But, yeah, exceptional days and more exceptional from a personal perspective because there was a time when I couldn't have cared less if the board fell off the face of the Internet.

The potential for reaching out to provoke something we didn't intend has always been the inherent problem of boards like this and back in the day, I had more than my share of provoking and being stung when I thought I was helping. I think the difference for me now is that being farther out, I am really more aware of my potential to say something wrong b/c I am not close to my own widowhood anymore. I am still a widow but it's not central to my being or my daily life. That's why I stay away from the 1-6 section and I really try to not apply my situation to any but those I lived. Perhaps it's just recognizing that being widowed is sometimes not enough common ground in some instances? I share your worry, Fleur. I think it's what makes lurkers of most of us farther out. I don't want to be here too much as time goes forward or become "that widow". The one who pontificates and I know that I don't always walk that line well. This is so new b/c I didn't stay as I "aged" on the YWBB as an active member and it goes against a core idea I've always had that widowhood is a journey best traveled with peers. But I really want Widda to take root because I loathe most of the other options out there that have morphed widowhood into just another niche business for bloggers, speakers, self-help folks. A way to sell books and merchandise (did you get the t-shirt? we have mugs!! there's an app for that.) Maybe we just need to trust - that like the old-timers before us - we will know when it is time to fade away completely?

I have a FB friend who is on Tinder and according to him, meeting sooner rather than later is the goal, so I too am surprised that you aren't meeting with success. But that said, until you establish some sort of relationship beyond the meet/greet, your needs and goals should stay foremost and it's always best to just be yourself. Being yourself is the best way to weed the contenders.

One thing about the founders that was apparent even back in 2006 when I first registered was that they were very, very hands off. It was the second generation of wids who tried (and gave up in exhausted frustration) to moderate and provide some kind of order to the board (which by then was in its 3rd incarnation). I always viewed the founders (aside from Teal, who occasionally posted) as being like the gods of Olympus after they'd retreated to the mountain top to leave the mortals to fend for themselves. They were "there" but only in an abstract way and had more important things to attend to than the concerns or needs of the people though they would - in rare instances - intervene. An interesting thing about the notice they did put up is that it makes no mention of the archives being open. Only the pm system. This leads me to speculate that technically, the entire board is off limits to salvage because of whatever legal action is shutting it down (speculation again, I admit). That they are passive-aggressively allowing us in and saying nothing about the downloading and sharing some of us are doing might seem like a small concession but if they are being legally threatened, it's a huge risk and a subtle gesture of good intentions. I never much cared for the founders. They allowed too much bad behavior back in my day but I am glad the board existed. I am living a completely different life now because it did and I owe that to them in no small way. And I appreciate the opportunity the closing gave for the formation of a new board that I feel has even more potential to be a good, helpful and healing place.

I think these are good points to make. Relationships post widow are not a marker of BAG because being BAG, like grieving itself, isn't one size fits all. And it seems that in the world at large, moving into another relationship, or at least dating, is viewed as part of the "healing". I know that once I was in a new relationship and married again, most of my friends and family viewed this as a sign that I was "over" my late husband, which was ridiculous. I'd been a long term caregiver. I was still recovering from that emotionally and physically (so too was my husband b/c he'd been a caregiver to his LW too.) But people equate new relationships with "all better now". It's important to note too that another relationship can be "necessary" (can't think of another term but not entirely happy with it) on a personal level that has nothing to do with widowhood and everything to do with just who one is and knowing one's self but that the opposite is equally valid. One thing I have observed over the years of occasional lurking at the YWBB is the change in attitude and support level where recoupling is concerned. That's probably another post so I won't go too much into detail but there was a time when dating/mating in the first year or two was frowned on (or worse). I am glad to see that this has changed. However, I still think that those who chose to explore/expand as a single person are not always seen as having chose an equally valid path and face prejudice too. So thank you OSAAT and Mizpah for bringing this up.

Professional widowers seems like an oxymoron, but they exist. I can think of at least two (and one is a YWBB alum) who've made some money off it at least part-time and/or achieved "fame". But my uncle, Mom's older brother, stumbled into a widower "business" when my aunt died. He became a gigolo. A serial one but over the years, it's paid off quite well. His current partner is much younger than he is. She's in her 70's and he is nearing 90. But on my Mom's side of the family, clearing 100 isn't out of the realm of possibilities, so he may outlive her too. You can turn anything (it seems) into a career.

Moving is not uncommon. If you are feeling oppressed by the house (and the yard) and you have the means, why not move? It's a place with memories but our memories are portable. I married again at 15 months out. He was a widower who was not even a year out yet. 10 months. So we both had the second year issues and anniversaries and adjustments that we dealt with in the early years of our marriage. In addition to the newly married stuff. Personally, I did most of my sorting of feelings on my own anyway - because that's me, but I found that my new life and my old one didn't overlap as much as they sometimes ran parallel. I doubt that your husband minds all that much that you turn to him for support. Being supportive is what a partner is supposed to do but you could simply have a conversation with him to find out his feelings. It's more likely (unless he is a widower) that he feels a bit at a loss as to what you need from him. In relationships, my rule of thumb is "when in doubt - ask". Probably he is just worried about you and wondering how he can best help, so don't feel guilty. The second year can be difficult even when life itself is pretty good on the surface. Just go with it. Do what you need to for you and trust that things have a way of settling back down because usually they do. I know it's not much of a comfort to know that this is normal and it will pass, but it is and it will.

BrokenHeart2, The one place where I never commented even as a newbie was the newbie section. I know that some farther out wids would go in there and post. Tell their stories to give encouragement but I always felt that the first six months was a club within the club. A place where people just needed to feel and rage and vent and cry with people who were in the thick of it. No pressure or judgement or feeling like that had to put on a face for anyone. But that's just me. And I am not warm and fuzzy enough with my words. Can't make them read like the hugs that people are needing. If I saw a thread that no one had replied to, I would read it and send a PM but that's about as far into that room as I ventured. I remember reading comments from BAGers about how they couldn't go into that section because it was like digging up scars. I didn't feel that back then. I just felt inadequate. But I get it now because the rawness really does hit trigger points that I have learned to leave alone.

Waves roll in, wash over and then go back out. Nature of the beast. But it's hard. Memories conflict. No one has a perfect relationship. ((hugs))

You matter. And you're perfectly normal b/c the emptiness, baggage, guilt, pain and trying to pretend that it's not there or that you're fine when that not true - that's one of the definitions of widowhood. I thought I was a terrible mother that first year. I even considered giving my daughter to my sister to raise because I was sure that I was ruining her for life. The first year is hard. You do what you can and don't beat yourself up about the rest. It'll come. Or it won't. Because maybe it's not that important. Glad you stopped lurking. Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong to.

OSAAT, I was never in the "in" crowd either but interestingly a lot of those people are now friends of mine. Moderating has its limits but better to have some than none. looktothesky - I am looking forward to being able to drop an "f" bomb at some point in the future! mokie - I don't think I was actively posting when you arrived but I remember you. Good to "see" you.