anniegirl

Final update from THE founder, Lauren, in case anyone is interested:

An excellent point. There can never be too many bathrooms. But extra space for spreading out generally is good too.

So my husband had two young 2-somethings and I had a four year old when we married. No other parents in scenario save the two of us as we are both widowed. My husband believed (doesn't anymore) that while he was going to be parenting my daughter - given her age and the fact that she didn't really know her dad (he was sick her entire life), I would not be parenting his daughters. Regardless of how much time you spend with them or not, parenting is what you are doing whether you intend to or not. And really, children (of any age) really can't have too many loving, caring and supportive parental figures in their lives. What's important is that all the adults/parents behave, are civil and generally agree on the direction that parenting is going. Any kind of blending means communicating clearly and not taking disagreements about things personally and finding middle ground so that the kids feel secure, not conflicted about loyalties (they should be able to love you all without feeling guilty) and they know they can't play you off each other. It takes time and a lot of talking/understanding. it was probably two years for our family to really feel like family. As if we'd been so all along. Blending can be done. It's not the Brady Bunch insta-family though.

Just left a long post on about this in the General section. Don't want to repeat it here. But anyone can go there and read the various thoughts if they like: http://widda.org/index.php?topic=271.msg3030#msg3030 But I like the imagery of "mother ship", it was that. Rescue vessel from the alien world of widowhood. I found few people on the YWBB who had the same ideas about grief as I did but enough that I felt confident to strike out on my own path.

Leslie, I am sorry you didn't get all the things saved that you wanted to keep. I saw several posts on the FB site that echoed this. It was just not enough time. All, I deleted all my original posts when I left the board in the fall of 2008. My husband offered to help me save them but I had a blog and I didn't think I needed the posts too. Truth is, I never did much more than share stories with people on their threads. I wasn't much for starting my own. And I didn't think I would be missed or my "legacy". So not quite two years and a thousand posts vanished. Then I re-registered and simply PM'd until nearly all of my peers/peeps were gone. I as away for years until last year when I popped in and began occasionally lurking. I was thinking that on the tenth anniversary - next year - I'd post in the BAG. Share my whole story - which I have never done in its entirety and then fade away. I'd seen older wids do that and I liked it. Not closure but giving back a bit. Adding to the history for others like others before me. My relationship with the YWBB was complicated to say the least but I felt it served a purpose that was needed. However, Widda is the continuation and a brand new start at the same time. Building on a legacy and improving upon it, imo. Nine years ago the web was such a different place for people seeking people who "got them" for whatever reason. Widowhood wasn't Victorian but it was mired in misconception and archaic rules and ideas about right and wrong ways to grief and rebuild. When I told folks from my day that there is a thread in the Social section for sharing about new relationships and how easily everyone accepted and supported new relationships, dating and remarriage - they were astounded. We rarely could have such discussions without flame wars and people spouting rules that I am sure dated back to my grandmother's time. I love that I have yet to see anyone mention the noxious 5 stages of grief (that research has debunked in recent years) and that we can give new relationship advice without judgement and that exploring a single life is not seen as a sign that you are "stuck". Yes, the YWBB was groundbreaking and a lot of alumnae have gone on to found new venues, write books and change the face of widowhood (some of them in ways that make me grit my teeth a bit at the Oprahness of it) but the original site needed a makeover via a takeover that simply wasn't going to happen and out of that necessity, we are here. This site can be a beginning and have it's own history and become a jumping off point for others. It will never be a club that anyone wants to be in. But its our club. I know it's a tired phrase and it doesn't always feel true but everything will be okay in time.

How? You already are. Do you know how many people go through their whole adult life and never ask themselves, "what do I want?" or "where am I going?" or "this can't be it, right?" What can you do with your nursing background/education that's not nursing? Probably more than you think. But when in doubt, seek someone out and ask. Book an appointment at the guidance department of your nearest college or trade school or start smaller by looking at their course offerings to get ideas. And where do you work? Hospital? Clinic? Ask management what opportunities there might be for other assignments, moving up the ladder (yeah, you want out but maybe up or over or related will do in the meantime). Lots of us question after being widowed. What's it all about? Is there more? Where? When? You will figure this out because you've opened Pandora's Box by stating your discontent. It's out there and won't be ignored.

Oh, I am sorry. Didn't mean for that, Jen. I stumbled on it and haven't heard it in years. On a brighter note, my nearly 13 yr old has discovered musicals on YouTube. I have been trying to nudge her for years but after she saw the movie version of Into the Woods, she began looking for it on YouTube and discovered the play and today - Wicked. I feel like a total success as a parent now.

It can be worse. In my opinion it's because after weathering the first, we get to the second and think, "I'm here! Yes! Made it," and then it turns out to simply be an imaginary line that really nothing much has changed in terms of how we feel. Taking off the ring is big. It's weird. Like damned if you do or don't weird. Totally understand.

Basket-weaving! Let's not do anything drastic! You will adapt. Adapt is good. There's a learning curve. That unfortunately shifts with time but nearly everyone figures out what they need to do. And sometimes, doing nothing at all is all that's required. Stuff comes back online all on its own.

Don't underestimate the healing properties of "escape". If we lived constantly in the moment of grief, we'd soon fry to a crisp. Children are good grief models. They grieve like they grow - in spurts. If old modes of escapism aren't working, it's a good time to find some new ones. Take up a new hobby. Challenge yourself physically. I don't want to go all self-help and cheery chirpyness but there is probably something out there. I found distraction to be good and necessary.

Cinderella (sigh). And this clip for the "escape artists" lurking. Lesley Ann Warren, My Own Little Corner https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xdn7nEhEZo And this, from The Sound of Music:

A difficult situation and I understand your frustration and anger. I have a nephew (young adult now) who was not parented well and my LH and I talked about trying to convince my sister to give us custody of him because she really didn't want him. My nephew ended up being able to go and live with his father, who was a good guy but not really up to the discipline end of parenting. But I wonder often if LH and I could have made a difference in his growing up, which was unnecessarily hard on him emotionally. It's hard to stand back and see a child you love not be treated with the love and respect and care they deserve. Worse when you feel that you could have intervened if things had been different. What ifs are hard. No advice. Just empathy.

I am glad things are beginning to look up(?). Is that the right word? Perhaps not. But you know what I mean. The lightening. The lessening. I remember back on the old board there were two widows that I can recall (though not there aka's) who were second time widowed. And they spoke about the differences. How circumstances mattered. The first time didn't really prepare them for the second though at least they know the second time that they weren't going crazy. Enjoy your planning for your trip. And good luck with the rest of the semester.

(((Leslie)))

Why shouldn't it matter? What matters it that it matters to you. And how great that your MIL is one of your biggest fans. That's wonderful. Her support and your relationship with each other. Good luck with that triathlon!

Somedays clinging is progress.

One person can take a lot of disappointment, heartache and trouble b/c you are and are still on your feet, which makes you pretty amazing even if you don't think so and it doesn't feel like it. Nothing that's happening is your fault. It's just fall-out and there's a lot and it's going to take time to straighten out. I have a friend in NC. Her husband buggered off leaving her with two kids, debt and she's having trouble staying unemployed b/c of the bad economy. So, it's not you. Things are tough, and tougher when you're a single parent and everything is on you and no one is inclined to cut you a break or help you straighten out messes you didn't create. 16 and 17 is hard enough when things are okay and nightmares when they are not. Teen don't think too far into the future and seldom beyond how it impacts them when life is not what they'd hoped it would be. If you haven't been (and are up to it) honest about the situation with the school, consider it. Often teachers don't really know what's going on. It might surprise you what they can offer in terms of assistance - especially with the senior year stuff. Please don't feel like a failure. You aren't. You've been dealt a sucky hand. It's not your fault. It's not fair. It's okay to acknowledge that and rant about it. I wish I had more than words for you. (((hugs)))

I know you know. Perhaps silence is not the way to go? It's not like we are carving solutions into stone but rather throwing out all the scenarios we can think of for everyone to see, think about and form their own answers (I was going to type "opinions" but you know what they say about those and this is a problematic enough topic without going there). It's much different being where I am now than I thought it would be. Easier in many ways. Absolutely the same in a few others. But mine. All any of us can offer is "this is how it was/is for me". Sharing our stories is important. What we've learned. And knowing that we can do that and we can share anything that still comes up or that we fear or wonder about that has yet to come up. I am glad we didn't sit on our hands.

That's a loaded paragraph. And while I should probably sit on my hands, I won't. Because I agree. Mostly. For some people, widowhood upended their lives in ways that couldn't be easy remedied or remedied at all. Financially widowhood can be devastating and ground is lost that can't be recovered. I think in these cases it is understandable that widows place cause where it belongs. I am not sure that you ever have to be okay with that. And children can make it very difficult to get back on your feet for as many reasons as there are types of children. Sometimes, the late partner was it. There is no question. But I totally agree that you can't use widowhood as a cover for bad behavior. Treating others poorly or wretchedly because you feel bad isn't something that we tolerate in our children so why do we expect a pass. My widowed MIL was the epitome of using people and hurling abuse. Her loss was the cornerstone of her alibi and incredibly, lots of people encouraged this behavior by letting her get away with it (until they inevitably reached their fill and cut her out of their lives - but this took years, decades even). I don't think we should have to think happy thoughts at issues in our lives that are long-standing and slow or completely resistant to fixing, but we don't get to kick the cat and snarl at the neighbor kids who stray into the yard either. While I personally felt, early on, that those farther out (years so) should be a bit more constrained that doesn't square anymore with what I've learned. that everyone's time line is different and there is a subset of folks who are going to take a long, long time to find their feet again. Bad luck? Choice? Bit of both? I don't think we are slaves to fate. We can make choices even in situations where options are limited. I think it's best to let go when you can, be kind because it's generally not too difficult, to remember you can't read people's minds and don't know what's truly going on with them so don't guess or project, and remember to always be true to who you are and what's best for you (yeah, well aware of the conflicts that can arise).

And I ran into the opposite from widowed. Re-coupling was a sign of avoidance, according to them. A red flag that meant I didn't know how to be alone and didn't know who I was as a person. I think some of whether we seek to recouple or decide to postpone or even not pursue it comes down to personal circumstances and what we learned growing up and the messages we receive in our daily life from family and friends. There is no right or wrong because there is no such thing as complete closure or resolution. We rebuild our lives. We do it in a way that works for us as individuals. The issue, imo, is that we perceive judgement where there isn't or we allow actual judging to mess with our heads. There is a really good post in the General section about how widowhood in our family histories might shape our views of it and how approached it personally. http://widda.org/index.php?topic=127.0 So many factors and it's difficult sometimes in a forum like this to not play our personal truth card as universal truth but we need to resist that, imo. There is enough about widowhood and grieving that is alienating without adding to it. For me personally, re-coupling and marriage again was important. But if I were to be widowed again, I don't know if it would be again. I am older. My needs are different. My wants are different. It saddens me that widows feel judged for following the path that suited them best or that was necessary because of circumstances.

Yesm Sondheim and it's interesting how song lyrics trigger different responses pre/post widowhood and even different at the different "stages" of our journeys. I have always loved Into the Woods, but the Baker's story really changed for me after my LH died. The song he and Cinderella sing about how no one is alone even when they feel they are - actions ripple - is such a powerful one. And when he is holding his son at the end, wondering how he is going to go on, raise the boy alone and his wife's "ghost is coaching him - a killer at first but more hopeful and resonating as the years pass.

Just to throw out another possibility - you've heard of "bitchy resting face"? Now I am not sure why people would use a pic of their version of a "neutral" face rather than pose and try to look inviting, but some are opposed to faking photos and want others to know that "yeah, I look like this. it's not personal and nothing is wrong." But being someone who is often told to "smile, it's not so bad!" or asked "are you okay?", I find assumptions about my inner feelings based on the fact that I have a crooked mouth that normally turns down at the corners rather than form a straight line of curl up - wearying. This is just an fyi post to, by the way. The vid is meant to be humorous.

Yes, I love this! When I was little, we had kid's records - old school Disney and stories - but my father hated pop music. I didn't own any contemporary music until jr high. But I had my Mom's tiny collection of Broadway soundtracks and the storyteller in me loved stories that burst into song. Love your links. And as I was trolling the side bars - found this one. A Sondheim from 1970. Company. Neil Patrick Harris is main character but a lot of other recognizable faces. Song is called "Being Alive" Thanks for starting this thread, Jezzy!

sphoc gives very good advice. Let your instructors know what's going on with you and see what they can offer for help and guidance. I know it doesn't seem important right now because the person at the heart of all your hopes, dreams and the plans you'd put into place to fulfill them is gone. Trivializes the future and makes the now seem pointless. But you are going to want to dream and hope again someday, so if you are up to it, leave yourself a foundation to come back to. I saw your video. I was appalled that people could be so flip and cruel. I completely understand your response and it was a lot kinder nd measured than mine would have been. You are a good person. Up and down is normal. Feeling like nothing matters anymore is normal. Needing to rethink before moving in any direction is normal. There is no time table. No rules. Just be easy on yourself. And as Icoxwell says, ask for time for your school work if you need it. It's hard to reach out. Makes you more vulnerable at a point when you aren't likely feeling interested in any more of that - but you are likely to find more help and understanding than not. I am so sorry for your loss and the way you've been treated. You didn't deserve that.

I agree. About snark. It's a delicate balance but what's a good war story without a bit of snarky seasoning?