NoKindaDancer

I was gonna say I lost my keys for a whole day and tell that story but lonepanda - wow! Your story is awesome. I'm just gonna read it again instead.

I read this post a while ago, but had not had the chance to reply. This is a topic that very much resonates with me. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason, I do not believe that my God planned my husbands death to have some greater purpose in my life. If I thought that, I would hate God, and that would be harder for me. I believe that there is chaos. Bad things just happen sometimes and that's it. This world was a better place with DH in it, and my life was supposed to have him in it. There is NO good that comes from DH's death. That said, I keep moving forward, and I keep making the best of what I have, and I'm finding happiness despite it all. I had to sit through the deposition where the man who was driving the truck that lost control that ran onto the sidewalk and killed my husband, told his account of the events. If he said once "I'm so glad I had my seatbelt on, because it saved my life", he said it one hundred times. Every time he said it, I thought "you asshole! How can you talk about how glad you are, when my husband is dead". He could ONLY see his experience of living. He couldn't see my side, nor could he see that he had killed someone. Point of view makes all the difference.

I get it. I've felt the same sense of panic - all consuming, heart racing, stomach punching panic. I'm sorry it happened to you. Hold your head high. You and your child are ok. That's all that matters. The other opinions matter about as much as a drop of water in the ocean. It's crazy what brings it all back, isn't it?!

When dh went to a restaurant he used the fake name "Earl" to be put on the list to wait for a table. In my extreme grief, I really considered the name "GoodbyeEarl"...but decided that my dark grief humor might be too much for some... didn't want anyone to think he had abused me or I had killed him like the Dixie Chicks song. (DH would've thought that name was hilarious though!!!!! ) So instead, I settled for a reference to a Robert Earl Keen song (which only one person here has recognized independently that I know of) DH and I spent our courtship in Texas dancehalls, the song "No Kinda Dancer" talks about a person that wasn't a good dancer, but their partner made them a good dancer. At the end of the song, there is an old man dancing alone without a partner, and the singer is glad that he has a partner. DH taught me to dance, and now I'm dancing alone wishing I had a partner.

20 months ago, my 33 year old husband of 11 years was walking on the sidewalk to work and a truck lost control and hit him and he died later that day with me at his side. Our kids at the time were 3 and 5. I found ywbb a few weeks after he died, and found incredible support and friendships. I am moving forward and healing, and aim to carry his memory during this journey.

Wow! Holy smokes. You earn mother of the year for not puttin her on the curb for someone to take home. Rant away!! You can do this - just like you've done all the rest. Best of luck!!