jeudi

Today, fifteen years ago, was John's last day alive. I still have sharp memory of that day, minute by minute I know what was going on. It will likely never be forgotten, probably never will blur. I am OK to have the memories- kind of like it is the least I can do to remember him. There are, obviously, many, many good memories of our 27 years together and there are, of course, the rotten cancer memories (more than just the last day) and then the last day memories are those where I see myself from the outside looking in. I am here not because I am a young widow (I'm 61 now, 46 when widowed) and not because I struggle. I feel proud of who I am, always have even at the worst of it. I am here because I still have a thing or two to share and to let others hear about my travels through it and how it looks to have walked through the ring of fire and to be on the other side of it with scars but I still have skin, still have hair, I've put on new clothes to replace the ones that were burned to ash. I love again. I have joy in my heart. I go forward with my John out there in the ether and he helps and rewards me with his love from THERE. I've never cared if folks believe me or not about his ongoing role in my life. I'm not religious and frankly I'm sort of amazed to have learned that something goes on past this life on earth. I always had an inkling. Now I am convinced although I don't pretend to have any real clue about it. Is this faith? Not really as I have proofs. Our daughter got married recently. Out in the crowd of invited guests I saw a shirt John used to wear- a crazy Hawaiian shirt with koi fish swimming in water. I saw it before I saw who was wearing it. It was his best friend wearing the shirt and I knew it was the sign I was hoping for. His friend was there the day John died but left before, hours before, to avoid his ex-wife who arrived to help me care for John (she is a registered nurse). Apparently, I gave John's friend the shirt. I do not remember doing so. I can hardly believe it did it- I mean who does that? I knew, really knew, John was dying but at the moment I gave away his favorite shirt he was still alive. If I wanted his friend to have it I could have sent it to him. This action of giving the shirt away while John was still alive is so not like me... and understandable that like some sort of magic trick the shirt was transferred to his friends hands and saved for 15 years to wear to our daughter's wedding. Mix into the magic that we had a beach wedding where this shirt was not only appropriate but that our friend struggled to know if this was an ok thing to do. I am good friends with his ex wife and didn't even invite her because I wanted to make sure he would come. I even wrote him a note telling him she would not be invited- and really who does that? Not me. But I did. So, do you see how it all lines up? A shirt given but forgotten, a shirt saved, a shirt becomes appropriate for the occasion where normally it would not be appropriate, a shy guy who never opts to put himself out there goes ahead and does this thing and I walk up to him and I'm not even clear how it is that he wears this OH SO FAMILIAR shirt and his eyes fill with tears as he reminds me I gave it to him on the day John died, moments before he drove away? He told me I ran out to the driveway after we had said goodbye and shoved it in his hands. He told me that he couldn't find his sunglasses and sat in the driveway for a minute or two- long enough for me to rummage through John's closet looking for the shirt and long enough for me to run through the house and out the door to give it to him). I called him within a minute or two of his arrival back home to let him know John was dead. That I do remember. He was so sad and full of regrets to let his difficult and bitter ex keep him from being there when his friend passed away. There is even a picture taken by the wedding photographer that shows me whispering to my daughter about the shirt and her face is crying but happy to know that her Dad was there in spirit, not just us saying so but in that shirt. She remembered the shirt and until that moment had not noticed that it was a part of the scene. This life is like a puzzle and this piece fits here and that piece there and some of my pieces go into other puzzles and I don't even know why. Sometimes I can feel when this is happening. When a piece that fits in my puzzle shows up I am always surprised but never doubt its origins. It still makes me weep, the beauty of this and the sadness of loss. I'm good though. I have grown to understand the way my life continues and grows and moves towards more wisdom and more good times and love. Love. LOVE. That was John's final say in this world. He couldn't say it out loud- he was so far gone- maybe if it works this way he had one foot on the other side but his far away eyes zoomed back for a millisecond and looked right into mine and he mouthed it. LOVE. This fills me with such peace. So today, I can write this post in this widow place and speak of it with only the smallest lump in my throat, with no hot tears falling just a beginning misty wetness gathering at the corners of my eyes and hope for all of you who might read this that you will be able to sort out your most terrible of losses and move into the future with hope of your own and an ability to live more. John, he was my husband for 24 years. I met him when I was only 19 and he proclaimed his love for me the next time he saw me. I believed him but I was surprised by his emotion! And I wanted to know for sure I felt the same way before I said anything similar to him...and I made him wait another two weeks before I told him I felt it too. He had blue eyes and eyelashes like a super model. He was skinny and blond. It was 1975. Our child was born ten years later! She is 32 now. She was 17 when he died. This is a tiny part of our story but proof of how life goes on. 15 seems a significant anniversary to remember and yet it is only the fact that it is Pearl Harbor Day today that jolted me from regular thoughts to these thoughts today. As they say, a day that will live on "in infamy" and as John was a World War II buff it has always seemed quite fitting that he died on this day. My Mom pointed it out to me at the time. This is what she said, "He knew if he died on this day we would never forget." Are you wondering how on earth I could ever forget what day he died on? I have a really great memory but dates escape me. There was not a single of our 24 wedding anniversaries that we remembered (he suffered the same date-escape malady as me) and we would "come to" days afterwards and we would shake our heads that we missed our anniversary- yet again. Oddly, my new husband is hyper focused on dates. He is a widower and he takes his daughter out on the anniversary of his wife's death every year. There is no forgetting with him. He will likely come home with flowers for me tonight. Yellow roses. He is so sweet that way. It is kind of an odd little piece of being remarried to a widower. I love him so very much! Thanks for listening. I am no longer young (and frankly when I joined the YWBB so long ago I used to bristle when it was sometimes suggested that to be a young widow you should be in your thirties or younger) and although I still feel pretty young overall things are happening to my body and the gray hair tells a story of its own. So, again thanks for listening to this old widow. I will probably always have much to say. (this refers to my very first post on YWBB that was titled "much to say, no one to say it to") xoxo Judy

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Your in-laws did something rotten here when they could have been lovely and loving. it hurts my heart to understand, yet again, that people can sometimes really suck. As you think of this scholarship you get that when the world reads about it or when it is given to some deserving person they don't get the entire picture of your husbands life and what was meaningful to him and your place in his life. All of this information should be there because it is the truth. As I continue on with my life without my DH I get stabbed now and then. He was a zoologist and because people love animals and there is an entire TV channel devoted to animals I see his colleagues get air time on their research/work and sometimes these are projects he worked on as well. I see people that I've hosted for dinner and a free bed getting jobs and doing projects he would have loved to have had. He has been gone for 15 years and is virtually forgotten. But not by everyone. I hold all of this in my heart. Our daughter holds this in her heart. There are a few other close friends of his and mine who get it as well. Usually it is someone deeper than average or someone who has also lost someone they suffer to live without. This is our special role in this world...that we get this particular brand of sorrow. It might not define us but it is certainly a part of us. You have gotten good advice about the in-laws. I just want you to know that I hear you, that I understand. It sucks. It will always suck. It isn't everything, it's not even the worst part of your loss but I do-so-completely-get-this. Without him having been a part of your life you wouldn't have to feel this crapfeeling. I try to gain something from this. I have a widow friend who has the following tattoo on her foot- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW Sometimes she will wear sandals and cross her legs and present this to the clueless who seem never to miss an opportunity to say something stupid. Love her! Keep on keeping on. xoxo Judy

Leadfeather, Your post resonates with me. When my nest emptied I was about 8 months past my LH's death and he died shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary. I am here, not because I am recently widowed- I am approaching my 15 year mark and the girl who was about to graduate from high school and three months later go away to college is now 32 and just got married. I come here now and then to see if there is something to add, to read and reflect and also to share my thoughts about widowhood. When I come I try to read from every board and today I read your post (among others). You ask Now What? and all I can do is tell you a bit about what happened for me. At the time my husband got sick (cancer) I worked from home and lived in a rural area so when I tell you that there were weeks that went by when the only person I spoke to in person was my mailman I am not exaggerating at all. I tried not to burden my daughter with my misery as she was (like your son) off on her own for the first time and excited by all that was going on around her. She would call me when she was having an off day and I traveled to see her many times as I wasn't too far away. She rarely came home though, as she was not only going to school but also working about 30 hours a week (the only way we could afford college for her was for both of us to put our noses to grindstones and plug away at it) and she also had a boyfriend. I can tell you that her first year of college was hellish for me...hellish until I had enough of being lonely...and took steps to add to my life and get myself out of my house. I took a lot of stabs and what I thought I was doing ended up not being what I expected but everything had benefits. For example, I love to swim and had gotten pretty out of shape in the process of taking care of my husband and all of my worries about his health so I joined a health club in a town about 45 minutes away from where I lived (this was Texas and I was used to driving long to get to pretty much anything). What I imagined was that I would meet other people who enjoyed swimming and new friendships would be forged, coffee afterwards, movie invitations, LOL. I am laughing because when people swim their face is in the water. Nobody communicates, they swim. I smiled at other women in the locker room but for the most part the only relationship I created was a nod and a smile and one older gent asked me how many laps I did each day. He was there everyday too and he noticed I lost a lot of weight and got myself into really good shape. So, there is the benefit. My health improved and I no longer had that nagging, worrying fear that I wasn't in terrific health and needed to do better for myself and for my daughter. The second thing I did was take a class. I took a community education class on writing because I have always enjoyed writing and dabbled with writing fiction. I imagined spirited discussions in a room filled with diverse students, a fascinating instructor, and coffee afterwards. Movie invitations. LOL again only louder. There were three other people in my class. One was a young woman in a wheel chair whose mother sat in the back of the class. The mother and daughter were hoping the daughter would gain a writing career from this community ed. class...so, so very sad I couldn't quite bring myself to talk to her other than to compliment her on her writing which exhibited a very, very low level skill. Jeez... The other two ladies were friends with each other. One was there to support the other as the other liked to write. They admitted they were there to get away from their husbands for an evening. Somehow that just didn't sit too well with me...wonder why... But I started working on a novel and finished it (never shared this with my class because our teacher was one of the most negative people I've ever met). Through this class I found out, from the negative teacher that there was a writer's guild that was active in another close by town and that became my Saturday morning ritual. Wow, a reason to get out of bed on a weekend morning. AFter that things started to steamroll into more and more and better and better. I got active with other widows through the old YWBB and started a get together group with others from my part of the state- and made such good friends that we fairly close by. Eventually someone I used to message with at YWBB (not close by) suggested that we get to know each other better. We took a few trips to meet each other, took a few vacations together. We have been married now for 4 years now (together for 12 years). So, to answer your now what? That is all up to you and will happen when you are ready. I found I needed to push myself and often it was really outside of my comfort zone. I am not a super social person. I am content to spend a lot of time alone but ALL THE TIME was damaging to me. I felt myself going a little bit crazy. I needed more and I made myself do more. When my choices seemed stupid instead of stopping I added more. You can't do this until you are ready. Please don't think that because I ended up in a new relationship that this was what I was after. I was looking for a life. My life had so much been my husband and me and our daughter. When that was ripped away I was so very lost. It took me a while to realize that when my husband died I didn't die too because it really felt that way. I decided that the best way to honor his life cut short was to endure, to thrive, to find myself again and go for it. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time and your own way. When you feel up to it, start with something you enjoy or even something you used to enjoy. It's ok to reinvent yourself too. Or to do things you never imagined. Or to do stuff you talked about doing with your wife. I know folks who have taken each of these approaches. So very sorry for your loss and I hope there is something in my rambling post that might be of value to you. Judy

boyo- Sorry you have the reason to be here. Everyone has different circumstances for sure but there is a lot of commonality to the experience and I am glad you found this community. It can surely help you navigate as you come here to vent, share and both fall apart and put yourself back together again. As time moves along, don't forget about this place. It can really be a comfort.

I can't say I feel crippling fear...I sure hope NH and I have more years together. I wouldn't really mind going first if truth be known except I would hate for him to have to go through it again. I recall how I felt about my daughter being left without me and as she is now in her 30s (her teens when her Dad died) I'm feeling more that she could get along ok- she is married now and has a great husband to help her, which I'm sure he would. What I do feel when considering the death of my NH, I guess I feel like I know what to expect and it isn't so scary. It would suck but at least I'm seasoned. Anyone who has lost two spouses feel free to correct me. I am able to accept that I'm stupid and clueless as regards this. Wouldn't be the first time.

Euf- I know I'm late walking through the door on this discussion. Here is my take- Sounds like she has had a discussion with someone else at some point in her life or given thought about those who pursue and those who retreat and she is telling you that doing the work is up to you. I don't exactly think that is fair to you but she defined her parameters, take them or leave them. I would be asking myself how much I enjoy our times together to decide to go forward or not and then if I decide the friendship is worth my time I would go forward with full knowledge of how she works. Friends are not easy to find. What one friend can do for me or with me isn't the same as another. I have super close relationships where I tell my friends I love them and some where it is an outing doing something we both enjoy and then goodbye with a quick hug. I have friends who understand I sometimes need to talk about myself and others who only allow the talk to be about them. I am far closer to those I am able to be more fully myself when sharing their company. I think it is a shame when folks miss out on deeper connections but it isn't anything I can change. I have a friend who is the ex-wife of my LHs best friend. They have been divorced for over 20 years and I've maintained a friendship with both of them. She is a nurse and came to be with us while LH died and she took on his final caregiving so I could be with him without all of that on my shoulders too. Unfortunately, she is not the one who stays in contact. She never has been. I do all of the work. And this actually works to my benefit. She has bitterness over her divorce and has never remarried while LH's best friend has and I really like my LH's best friend's new wife. So, recently, when my daughter got married, I invited him(and his new wife) and not my friend as she makes this ex very uncomfortable and my daughter wanted her Dad's best friend there. This friend lives far out of town and I won't tell her about the wedding until more time has passed. I will not tell her that her ex was there. I'm telling you this as I do think with friends there is often some juggling. I love her for herself, she is smart and funny and what she did for my LH was more than anyone else did. I would never overlook that. But since she doesn't stay in touch with me she doesn't know about the wedding so I don't have to worry about hurting her feelings. When I read your post this is what I took from it Correct her about her thoughts that you are pushing her out, explain again it was more about work than about Jim AND tell her that the moving on part is not really her business.\ And I don't think you have been unreasonable. She is def. the difficult one. Not you... xoxo

1) Consider all sides including the inside. 2) Never fail to flip a stone. 3) Search everywhere for the truth and don't believe everything you are told nor everything you read. 4) Open yourself to the idea that maybe, just maybe, we as humans, are incapable of knowing all of the answers. 5) Throw caution to the wind. 6) Laugh out loud as often as possible. 7) Be kind, generous, patient, gentle and enjoy nature. 8) Nurture your talents. 9) Celebrate your inner terrier. 10) Leave room for #11.

Soon it will be 15 years. I ask myself, how can that be? knowing full well that I've lived each minute and traveled through it all a step at a time. There is a well of sadness within me. It is an easy thing to access but I never fail to let life interfere. I'm relieved to have a life that is big enough to interfere with any sort of drowning because I never wanted to dive in, merely more to dip a toe. In these tiny immersions I honor him, I dwell and linger and reflect, I accept this condition of my life. If often seems more complicated than it is, bigger than it need be. After all, life is an enormous thing, and this loss of mine is merely one loss, my loved one now a part of the ether, the cosmos, the gestalt, and someday so too will I be. I wonder how the well never empties. No new source, no evaporation, no significant changes over time. Its constancy is a strange comfort. In my dreams sometimes he is here again in half tones. After fifteen years I understand his cloudy presence and I'm tempted to wave my hand through him except that in the world of my dreams I am just as flimsy as he. There is nothing there. Except there is. The well of my sadness lives between my breasts and up into my throat. There are moments when it rises but not from a difference in volume, more like the earth has tilted for a time to give me a taste of what I need or want or can not escape. Love has not been hard to find in other places. I let it in, I let it cover me, let it soothe me. I share it when I can and point it out to anyone who will listen, anyone who doesn't seem to see it in front of them even when they have no idea what I'm talking about. I feel like a tour guide this way. I'm no longer marked by loss, no longer have a gray aura sticking to me like a wet cloak. Instead I feel it vibrating and it allows me an extra hand for reaching out. Sadness, hope and then more. Single steps towards understanding that which is impossible to understand. Judy

beautiful words and wise advice... xoxo Judy

Hugs to you Sugarbell. In reading this my heart really goes out to you and also to your father. I guess, were this me and my father, I would want to make sure that he had someone to talk to about his feelings pertaining to this. Do you think that might be an issue you could involve yourself in? I wonder if talking to your Dad might ease the burden you feel. I am sad for you that your young life was so greatly and negatively affected by your Mom's behavior. So complicated... BTW- my father died when I was 18 and as I have lived my life I find there are things I wish I could have known about him- his feelings about things- and although I know I was too young in my life to have had many meaningful discussions with him when he was alive (he was still hard core parenting me when i was 18 so there was less of a warm friendship paradigm with him than what could have evolved.) I know how my relationship with my Mom strengthened as I grew older and had open conversations with her about her thoughts and feelings. Granted my parents didn't have an issue such as this to deal with but I strongly believe our parents are still human beings and worth an effort to know on a deeper level. I am a person who strives to get to the core of things and that colors my ideas... I find peace in knowing and try to open my heart to all sorts of things in order to be more fully informed about the people I love. Something, maybe, to think about.

My daughter is getting married in 9 days. Hard to believe the date is upon us as we have been planning and prepping and distracted by so many wonderful things since she announced this was happening a year ago. Her joy is powerfully tinged by a sadness that runs deep. She is a happy woman and fulfilled in her life. She loves her fiance. She made a solid choice and found someone who is perfect for her. She cannot even talk about her empty arm though. I tried early on to offer her my arm to hold as she walks down the aisle and she just sort of looked at me like this was the hardest subject she had ever faced. Her father will be missing- no avoiding it with a substitute. Simply put, she doesn't want a substitute. She has faced so many of these moments. She was 17 when he died. High school graduation was so soon afterwards. First day of college. College graduation. Falling in love. At each of these moments she has expressed to me how hard it is...to be without her Dad. Wedding day without him at her side has got to be the worst. She loves him so much! He should be there, toasting her and dancing with her. It isn't fair. I don't know what she is planning to do. Endure the empty arm? Ask his best friend who will be there to stand in? Ask me? I've asked her again and it became clear that I should not ask again. Patience. I had a little charm made for her bouquet that is a sixpence with his birth year- I had another one made that I just can't give her...too hard...it says "we walk with you today and always". I tried to tell my MIL about it and I couldn't even get the words out. It would slay my daughter I think so I've put it away and won't use it. This will be the best wedding, a great party. Fun. Lively. We will have our loved ones around us. Our friends. Great food, great music. Gorgeous setting on the beach at sunset. Details filled with all of the love I could muster which is saying a lot because I love her like none other. And still someone is missing. That his spirit will be beside her has taken only a very tiny chip out of the pain and I wish I could feel like it was a larger consolation. I think I am doing my boo-hoo-hooing today so I don't make a scene. My hankie-for-the-day is printed with forget-me-nots. Fat chance of forgetting. Judy

I remarried a widower. On our late spouses birthdays we tell each other that this is the (insert correct number) birthday. Same with anniversaries. And other significant dates such as on July 28th it had been 42 years since the day I met John. No cake, no celebration, very rarely, these days, tears. But it is so nice knowing how my husband feels and it is nice knowing that he knows how I feel. Loss. Grief and all of its components. A chance to feel something grand again. Thankful feelings for allowing this to take hold and going for it. Comfort in each other and happiness with our lives. Lucky. This feels circular BTW. xoxo Judy

what a wonderful post. I can relate to everything you said. I've had dreams where my DH was back and in the dreams I've talked with him about this. It is all so matter of fact. Congratulations on quitting smoking...that could not have been easy. xoxo Judy

I've never had therapy for my grief so I can't speak to that. I have a pretty practical attitude and part of that wonders why anyone would expect me not to miss someone that I loved who is gone? I will always miss John, always have moments when I wish I could show him something, tell him something, ask his opinion, have a conversation with him. Play music for him. John has been dead for 15 years (soon). I am happily remarried. My new husband is a great guy with whom I have a great relationship, one where I can share my thoughts and experiences but telling him my day is not like telling John my day. Two different people, two different points of view. / My experiences of moving through grief have not included "getting over" so much as "getting accustomed" to the loss. I've also had a very strong feeling that I am here to live more life yet. John died, not me, which came as a surprise early on. The way it felt to not be joined was hard to accept. Who I was/ am without him was a novel thought at first. I've put this loss in its proper place. I feel like I still have a relationship with my late husband. I think of him many times every day but that doesn't have any negative connotations for me. I don't talk about this with folks who wouldn't understand and thus avoid negative comments about it. I say to myself, Hey, if you don't have a dead husband you just wouldn't get it. John gives me signs, which is nice. Sometimes when I hit a hard spot I ask him to throw me a sign and he does. I still weep over my loss but it no longer sends me up the hill to scream (something I did in my early days). Now it is quickly resolved. A micro burst of tears. I miss him. How could I not? He isn't here...so I miss him. He was such a great guy, so funny, so smart, so sexy, my beautiful husband. Having another partner doesn't have anything at all to do with my feelings about John. I was lonely without someone daily in my life. I was lucky enough to find someone and now I am no longer lonely. He is a widower so he understands my love for my departed former husband. I enjoy my life so much. It is filled with goodness and laughter. The sunrise and sunset are gorgeous! There are books to read and movies to watch and the future lays before me in enticing ways. John wants me to go on in this world. I want me to go on in this world. So, imissdow...all I have to say is of course you miss your DH. Of course! This condition doesn't mean you suck or that you are wrong to do so. It doesn't mean you can't add something or someone into your life. If you want to add a man you will find someone who doesn't expect you not to still love your late husband. Why would you cease to love him just because he died? The last thing I want to do is compare your DH to a dog but maybe when you encounter someone who doesn't get it, you can find out if they ever had a dog they loved. Bet they might get this analogy. Once I had pretty much the world's greatest dog. When I think of him I miss him- he was terrific- noble, smart, sweet, funny. I've had dogs since that weren't any of these things but I still loved them in their own ways. Right now I have a dog I love so, so much. He is nothing like the one I describe as the world's greatest dog but I think he is the greatest nonetheless. He is just so great! Cuddly, hilarious, adorable and super soft. He has an amusing pair of ears that are also very velvety. When he looks at me I melt. All the best for you... Judy

I had a long, glorious and satisfying marriage with John, my first husband. I knew very soon into my widowhood that I would want to re-partner. I wasn't sure how or if that could ever happen but I knew it would be beneficial to me. I loved the deep connection I had with John. I loved knowing another with such intimacy. I loved the trust, the comfort, the companionship, the sharing. When I lost him I had no idea how much I would grow to despise loneliness. I guess I had the idea that it wouldn't be so bad and that I could adjust and adapt to the condition. I lived in a rural area and worked from home. Due to life situations I no longer had much social interaction- I had friends but none lived close by. I would literally go weeks without having a face to face conversation with anyone but my mailman. There were moments when I felt uncomfortable with what isolation was doing to my psyche. Very uncomfortable. I did much, really all I could, to build my life into something that worked to enrich my soul. I did this because I knew there was not a certainty that I would ever fall in love again and I didn't want to end up sad and alone if I was going to end up alone. The end result felt like stitches and band-aids. I felt better and happier but it was a far cry from feeling like I was living with even a fraction of the soul-satisfaction that I had lived with John. After more than two years of working my way through widowhood, building on what I had and adding some lovely new people to my world I was lucky enough to meet someone with whom I believed I could fall in love. He lived 1000 miles away and was a widower. He was very recently widowed and I strongly felt the need to encourage him to work his way through those earlier stages of being widowed without me in the same town. That being said, he didn't argue with me about my staying put where I lived because he felt like I knew what I was talking about because I had been widowed for a longer period of time. However, today, as when we had our beginnings, he feels like he was ready to start a new relationship without the stretch of solitary mourning in between. We started living together a bit past my four year mark, him after his two year mark. It was not easy at first but we committed to each other and we worked at it until we melded. We've been married for four years, together for 12. Each of us is different with different needs. I'm not the most social person in the world. If I go to a party I am the person who seeks out someone interesting with whom to have a deep conversation. I can hang and mix and present myself in an amiable way but light conversation just doesn't do it for me. Even when I had more proximal friends and a bigger social life with more activities, I still felt like I was missing something essential. If I had not re-married I would do the very best for myself that I could. Being with someone in a committed relationship was fundamental to feeling fulfilled. I'm thankful that things worked out this way.

kbeamish, I am so sorry for your loss. I know a couple of widows who lost their husbands when they were pregnant and I know from them the unique difficulties of balancing a pregnancy with grief. Focus on that sweet baby. You can grieve in fits and spurts and it is still grieving. Talking to others will help. Best to you and your delivery of healthy baby girl. Let us know how that goes for you. xoxo Judy

Welcome. Great advice from Julester3. Keep your kids talking about their Mom, it will help them in the long run. Sorry for your loss. Keep telling us about you! Judy

Hi Katie, wanted to welcome you. Sorry you have reason to be here. Keep telling us about you! Judy

It has been 14 years since my LH died so I am reaching, reaching back into memory to recall what worked for me. Forget reading...I could not summon the concentration necessary to read books and I feared I had lost it forever but this ability returned. Instead of reading I watched movies. So many movies...and this was before Netflix so I ran up a huge bill at Blockbuster. I made myself get dressed every day after the first six months of wearing only nightgowns and pajamas. It helped me feel like I had purpose even though, for quite awhile, I didn't. I took a frivolous trip to New Orleans at about four months. It was where I met DH and it helped me to be in that city with my memories. I took my daughter with me and showed her everything important, fed her every food that her Dad and I had enjoyed together. We spent money we didn't have, stayed at a great boutique hotel and took taxi's everywhere. I still don't know how I paid for it but it was so GOOD. She still talks about it...she was 17 then and is now 31. I did some crazy stuff too- I used to sleep on the driveway. It made me feel better inside to feel crappy outside and sleeping in the cold on concrete sure does make you feel like crap. I also used to hike up this hill behind my house and scream at the top of my lungs. This felt more productive than getting onto a crying jag. I could get those emotions OUT without the headache that comes from crying for days on end. Luckily I lived in the middle of nowhere. I'm sure someone heard me but they probably had no idea where the sound was coming from. I probably sounded like a banshee. Screaming as loud as you can hurts your throat but it did make me feel better to get it all out at once and in such an extreme way. I took over DH's closet. The motivation to do so was also a bit crazy- I wanted there to be some benefit, selfish as hell, in his death. Just some small benefit. We had two side by side closets in our bedroom and I put all of my out of season clothes in his closet and lined up all of my shoes like a celebrity. So there. For awhile I did things that DH wouldn't have liked, prepared and ate meals he hated for the same reason as the closet take-over. I cut my hair really short. I wore my cowboy boots with shorts. DH had given me an antique silver charm for Christmas the Christmas before he died and never got me a bracelet to put it on. His treatment nurses used to give him hell about it (they knew how much it would mean to me to have him complete the gift) and I purchased my own bracelet and added the charm and then spent lots of money on other vintage charms that had meaning as regards our life together. I still wear this everyday, have added more charms to it to the point of obnoxiousness but I love touching the charm that has a man and woman sitting close to each other on a park bench (the one he gave me). I had a big box of love letters- we started our relationship at the end of a summer while we were both home from college. I went back to my out of state school and we wrote letters to each other pretty much every day. I read and re-read these. It was a bit like hearing his voice again and it reminded me of our love, our beginning passions, our reason for being US. (we were married 24 years when he died, together for 27 years.) At six months I started swimming. I drove 45 miles each way to get from my rural home to a pool that offered heated water and lap swimming. Reaquainting myself with my body and getting more fit was helpful in so many ways. I could sleep better, had more stamina with which to do "everything" by myself and as I had gained a lot of weight while DH was in treatment for the cancer that killed him, it felt good to be able to wear my clothes more comfortably as the swimming whittled off the fat. It helped me not to be so freaked out about my health too as that was a concern that kept me up at night. Before the six month mark I really couldn't do much to forward myself. I gave myself a pass for those six months and well afterwards I was kind to myself when I was having a bad day. I allowed it. I think it's best not to expect too much out of yourself. I have a friend who lost her husband shortly after she had given birth to their first child. Her road through her early widowhood looked nothing like mine. I had far more wiggle room for self-indulgence and I certainly did a lot of it. Each of us has our own path and the trick is to find what works for you and to give yourself time to grieve, however that looks to you. Jeudi (Judy)

I read his email again today because I couldn't get it out of my head. This is truly the face of misogyny. and the groveling he does towards the end, calling you sexy girl. Oh boy. Super sick and super sad. Glad you got a new number and hope that soon you will not feel compelled to read anything more he might have to say. My hunch is that a man this perverse will not have anything inside towards continuing to keep up the effort for long. The good thing is you are now free of this man.

What a beautiful piece of writing. Lump in my throat. I'm so glad to have read this...

Well...how awful. Yes, you sure did dodge a bullet with this man. Scary too. I hated that feeling of concern that I could be making a mistake when I decided to dip my toes in the dating water. Glad you figured things out and were able to extricate yourself. Regroup. Try again with your eyes wide open? Best wishes for you.

I totally get the what if what if you speak of... Maybe I shouldn't jump into this since I don't know many of your details, not on this board much at all, really only just started recently to participate when I feel something moving around inside that seems like a good sharing moment. I HAVE picked up my life to move 1000 miles to live with new partner, left my college age daughter behind in Texas (saw her every four months or more and she eventually moved to Florida where I moved and then later moved 1000 miles in the other direction for a job to begin her career). I also sold a house I loved that had a paid off mortgage. No issues with my job or income. I sell antiques and can do that from anywhere- and actually Florida is better for this as I sell on the internet and lots of old people move to Florida and it is easy to find estate sales here, where I buy most of my inventory). I can also speak to security- financial security and the security of having someone meaningful in your life, romantically and friendship wise. I had a very hard time with loneliness when my first husband died. I lived in a very rural area and none of my friends lived close by. I had to travel to see them. So being alone meant that for days on end the only person I interacted with was my mailman, so lonely was a very real, deep seated and disturbing issue for me. My late husband had been my pal. We were tight and talked to each other about everything, deep and lighthearted, always, during our relationship. My daughter was 45 minutes away at college and although I saw her weekly she had her own life, her own friends and our time together was limited to lunch. She hardly ever came for an overnight visit. During this time (2 years from the time my husband died until I started to socialize with widows and met my fellow widower who is now my new husband) I struggled financially as i had a kid in school and lots of expenses (health insurance was a misery) and was paying off some debts incurred while my husband was ill. I also owed IRS a huge chunk of change. (Let's not get into that). So... it was still very hard to even think of beginning a new relationship. After a 24 year marriage allowing myself to allow someone new into my life was in and of itself a very hard thing. It took me quite a while to let my fellow help me financially. Still not easy to allow all of the blending that we have decided to undertake as regards finances. My first husband was the primary bread winner and I was a stay at home mom who was always able to add to our coffers by doing this or that. I've had lots of jobs and several businesses of my own through the years. Once death happens and leaves us with this life that is torn to bits it is ALL about rebuilding I think. I know I had to figure out me again. So long a part of we...who was me? Fitting myself in with another man was never part of the game plan...so that was hard. Living in Florida? Living in his house? Crazy. Now we are married and bought a house new to both of us and I am on his insurance and he is ready to retire and it is clear, abundantly clear that finances are shared and it will take both of us to survive in this world without his work income. Pensions. Social security income. A new business we are building together before he retires for good in about three years. Only YOU will know what is right for you. I advise allowing for sharing and helping each other if you decide to make a move, a change. How are you handling financial stuff while living together now? We can't know what the future really holds and I don't think it is a good idea to make plans based on what ifs. If Andy dies? You will have some new challenges for sure. You have dealt with it before and survived...hope that isn't the case for you any time soon. I lived with my now husband for seven years before I decided to marry him finally. I haven't regretted it at all. It was a very good choice but I needed to do so in my own time. He is a sweetheart and generous with me. Giving. Unselfish. I've done a lot for him too. Give and take. It is so hard to know what to keep and what to let go of. So many choices boil down to leaps of faith. It has been such a long time now since I felt myself looking over the edge and doing the swan dive... I tried/try to remind myself that I am smart and a solid person, responsible, not flighty...but you still have to jump into an unknown and trust that you can recover even if you make a mistake. I'm glad you have this board as a place to mull things over. Seems like you have people chiming in who "know you" (maybe they even know you IRL) or at least who are more familiar than me with your story. My words here are just thoughts from someone else who has walked the walk and done things a certain way and for reasons of my own. Hope there might be some take home value for you here in my post! Best regards to you!

I could be wrong but my hunch is you won't.

I am now just shortly past the 14 year mark since my LH's death. His name was John. I hope everyone here will often take the opportunity to say their loved one's name and talk about their life with their lost loved one. It is a healing thing. I've never stopped talking about him. When something reminds me of him, when I recall something specific, I say it, tell it, write about it, remember, and remind those who knew him too. My Mom was also a young widow and she talked about my Dad in normal ways. She hid a lot of things too, kept some things to herself but she was actually a pretty decent guide through my widowhood. I've lost her now too and what I miss the most about her is being able to talk to her when my emotions feel raw. I've remarried. My husband, my H, was also widowed young and his journey through widowhood has been different from mine. He had a much longer period of time with his late wife sick and her illness was an effing horror story and his support system was different and lesser than mine. And as a result I think he lost more of himself. He suffered more than I suffered. I fought against suffering and to a large extent was successful. Don't get me wrong, I suffered but I always had a clear idea that I was going to survive...probably because my Mom survived. Also, I told John I would be ok and as I have gone on with my life, I've wanted to make sure this was true. When I first met my H I could tell that he had lost his optimism and laughter was simply gone from his repertoire. He laughed at stuff to be sure but it was not fully fleshed. He couldn't fool me with this partial version of laughter. Humor is important to me and this didn't change even in the darkest days of loss...instead I waited, bided time until something funny would happen and then I would let go with full blown laughter. H is past the 11 year anniversary of his LW's death and I would say somewhere around year ten he started laughing again. I've talked to him about it and he doesn't see this the way I see it. My life with John was so full of laughter I knew what I was missing with H. Last night while we were in bed together I heard him laugh in his sleep. It is like candy to me. I can't get enough of it. Seriously. H's laugh sounds like Goofy the dog. He also has these incredible dimples and his eyes sparkle when he smiles. If I am a tough cookie he is a marshmallow. He believes that he has been a tough cookie through his grief (man-thinking) but if I die first he will probably, hopefully smile when he realizes that I am the strong one. Maybe it's his secret and he knows this already and smiles to himself on the sly. I recently had a moment where I had a very, very strong desire to interface with John. I lay in bed before falling asleep and summoned up memories of his touch, the way his stubble felt against my cheek. I drifted off with that familiar feeling of loss, no longer so hard to cope with as before, still sucky, still a lousy feeling in the pit of the stomach but I am used to it nevertheless. During my sleep I had a visitation dream, my second, where he came through and materialized and I got to take in his physical presence again. I got to see his face in all of its detail. And I hugged him. And we shared air space. I touched his face. He gestured to my H, who in the dream was in bed asleep (in the dream we were in a hotel room) and let me know (telepathically) that he is good with this turn of events in my life. Glad I've got my H to go forward with. xoxo Judy