Sugarbell

It's slowly improving.... Over the weekend I took the kids to mts. All 4 of us. No NG...no one else just us. He didn't want to go and bitched and moaned but actually had a good time and bonded with his siblings. My brother and I went to his golf match yesterday and my brother is actually on the same page now as me with my son (trust me this is a miracle in itself my brother is unmedicated bipolar and I never know what I am going to get)...My son was more relaxed and golfed amazing. He felt good about himself was kind this morning to all of us. It's still a day by day thing....but at least I feel he's getting steered back in the right direction.

I lucked out. The woman who got this law passed has been doing lots of presentations at area schools...complete with newspaper coverage, etc. While I applaud her effort...for my situation this could've been a nightmare for my kid. I sent a message to a friend whose a high school teacher at my sons school....She talked to the school counselor to find out if or what they are doing. The counselor is new...and actually worked at the mental health facility I worked at a few years ago. She knows my story. Anyway....the new law says it doesn't have to be an elaborate presentation but giving the kids a flyer meets the requirement. So she's having the home room teacher handout a flyer on self esteem...self harm (cutting) drug abuse and risks for suicide. Throwing it all together. Not much discussion. I truly lucked out....and this is one of the benefits of living in Stepford now for 15 years.....everyone knows everyone....and it this instance that was a good thing. (It's not always but I will definitely take the good...and am going to hush it about the bad)

Lol....yeah toxic ex prided himself in being an amazing lover...But he was an alcoholic freeloader...near the end I felt like I was with a male prostitute. The other stuff that's needed in a relationship...I think really that's an individual thing. I didn't want someone with lots of emotional baggage-I mean everyone has shit and issues that have happened in their lives...believe me I have plenty...But I had worked thru the raw messy stuff BEFORE entering new relationship....I wanted to be with someone who had done the same (NG told me the first 2 years after his divorce he was a player/asshole glad I didn't know him then) Income is important to me....they don't have to be rich...but self sufficient and don't want to financially take care of another person. Shared interests/values-Important....but I don't care if they are different somewhat and we learn from each other. And positive. I couldn't ever be involved with a negative person in a relationship again. They are energy suckers. But really all these things are individualistic. What one person needs more another doesn't. Doesn't matter as long as the two people in the relationship are on the same page.

It's important....but not the most important thing to me. It wasn't when I was with DH nor is it now. But I do have an amazing sex life. But if that's all I had...No way. Sometimes I think amazing sex can totally cloud our judgment in other areas. Too many other things are essential (in my opinion) for a relationship to last long term. Looks fade...sex drive can fade. The other qualities hopefully last forever. Also....in the past (not now)....When men (in your case woman) lacked other life qualities I wanted in life--they seemed to pride themselves on being amazing in bed. Not sure if it was to compensate or what?.?....Not saying that's the case here....But Sex is a powerful tool and at times manipulator.

Great idea TS!! It's been quite a while since I was newly widowed....but a few things I remember about parenting that first year.: It's OK for your kids to see you cry. Trust me...they will become more empathetic to others feelings as they get older. It's OK to do school drop off in your pajamas. I wore mine every morning to drop my oldest off at school that first year. The worse I looked the more willing people were to help (nothing like a Mom showing up in Pjs with a baby and toddler with swollen eyes to put it right in the worlds face. DO NOT compare yourself to any other Moms...both IRL and even on here. Everyone has different struggles/circumstances. Family/friends to babysit. Also I became best friends with the teenage girls in the neighborhood and their parents. Had them on speed dial for sitters. Churches usually have parents night out a few times a year. You don't have to be a member...4 hours for babysitting a family of kids-it was never over 25.00 Hopefully someone with chime in with parenting preteens/teens that first year of grief. I had a new born, toddler and 4 year old so I didn't have to really handle any kids major social issues.

!! Yay! Happy Dance!!

They almost always wine/dine very intense....and move Fast....Before you get a chance to see thru the superficial charm And the mask falls off. It's usually fairy tale like....Just blows you away. (this is the sociopath).... High school ex felon sociopath tried the superficial charm on me 2 summers ago...I didn't bite. He preyed on his next victim...and got her to marry him by the following December. Must already be having trouble because his new wife message me on FB (no we were not friends...she knew my name because she says he compares her to me and others to make her insecure and made her believe we were still involved)....He's making her crazy. He does that with all of them. I jus responded "We have had absolutely no contact and he's playing you. I don't want involved".. then blocked her. Which I feel is kinda cruel but I want no part of the sociopaths game. But not all bad guys are that extreme. Some just aren't compatible and some women aren't compatible, etc. No fault of either person. When I started entertaining dating again.....I could usually tell before the first date whether we would be compatible. I usually didn't even go on a first date because I "knew" we weren't compatible and didn't want to lead on/cause drama/etc. Some thought I was eliminating potential good guys too soon. I disagree....I knew what I wanted and didn't want to be unfair to guys and date to just date...or just to "see if they grow on me".... But that was me. It's not for everyone.

Wow Tracy....you were with a classic sociopath...Thank God you got out before he completely emotionally destroyed you. That's a great list......When I got away from my toxic mess years ago (and he wasn't a sociopath...just an alcoholic jerky bully-but did have a conscience)....I stayed away from men for a while. Didn't even give off the "I am available" vibes and really no one bothered me. Refused to be set up by my friends because I didn't think I could handle it. Basically put my broken shell of a person back together again. That's not for everyone-I just wanted to make sure I never made the same mistake again. Also-If a guy/girl gives you a headache early on-They aren't for you. May not be a bad person at all....but you body/nervous system is telling you they aren't right for you.

((((big ole Hugs Nuggets))))) Damn I am very sorry. I come here to swear too.

We are headed to the mountains...Just my 3 kids and I! I found a 50.00 a night motel...going hiking, biking, tubing in the river. We also go to the family cemeteries (I have both sets of grandparents and about 4 generations before them buried there)...We always try to go Memorial or Labor Day weekend (last year we camped...but a 50.00 a night room ends up being cheaper than camping when it's all said and done) NG has football games Friday and Saturday and coach meetings Sunday so he's not going. I am kinda looking forward to just the kids and I on this trip:

I am a big believer in mindfulness-it's the simplest form of meditation and very effective. I practice it daily as my of my long term recovery.

Sounds like they are too self absorbed to notice you or your kids. And I am so sorry. I no longer attempt to engage with those types (besides a quick hello)...because frankly I find them boring. Their is only so much play date, salon talk I can hAndle. I don't like clicks. Never have-even in jr high/high school. And I have noticed those who gravitate to the clicks and are so worried about image--are really pretty dull people. I choose to socialize with the independent not fitting into a mold type. And the "mean girls" in high school--become those types of Moms...and if they are blessed to live into old age-they become the mean girls of the nursing homes. If I make small talk-I prefer it with men..they seem to be less Ugh again I know it stings and I am sorry. Our bustop Mons here are nice and most of us work. The image superficial ones wouldn't dare make their kid ride the bus...they are all dropping off their kids in a line of SUVs in front of the school-in gym clothes..and gap about breakfast/lunch dates and hold the buses up during morning drop off. I have been a SAHM, worked part time and now full time. I think we become much more compassionate and aware of these things because of the cards we've been dealt. I used to feel jealous...I haven't in years. They have a shallow life.

For about a year...I gave up this site because the guy I was involved with didn't like it. When he caught me on here he would throw a fit...he felt threatened....It was also an emotionally abusive relationship and I was stoned outta my mind at the time or I never would've allowed him to tell me what to do. Even at 8 yrs out...I still find this place helpful in regards to suicide stuff/issues and solo parenting. Some of these folks I have "known" for half a decade or more. I love the quote "You must love in such a way that the other person feels free" My NG knows about this site. He doesn't blink an eye. Doesn't ask questions, nothing. He knows it's my private space....But his Mom was widowed when he was 7 and had a house full of kids to raise...So he gets the widow walk (as close as possible without actually losing a spouse to death-but he saw his Mom go through it). My advice?? Do what you want to do. Period.

I totally get this....At 44 with 3 kids ages 8-12...It was a similar boat...Men 10 years younger than me had kids my kids age....and Were looking for a step momma for kids....Men my age had grown children and were just more free as you say and in a different stage of life. Oddly...I found a man 8 years my senior who had a college age daughter....And even though he's free to go...he actually gets that my life is very tied down. And he accepts it and likes it. Like you I was not looking nor am I now looking for a Dad for my kids. He's just a cool guy and we have fun together. They are out there-but I agree it can be exhausting weeding through potential dates. It always just seemed like another job.

Ok first let me state that being remarried does not necessarily equate to moving on and healed. At my 4 year mark....I had just gotten divorced from a 5 month mess and had developed a serious prescription drug addiction. At 4 years out I was rock bottom. My lowest...even lower than I was days after being widowed cause I now had a drug problem on top of my mess. After that mess-I didn't date...I didn't have sex for 2 1/2 yrs...because I too was afraid of going out with my pattern of dysfunctional men. So don't beat yourself up that you haven't dated. You've traveled...been raising your son and other kids. You've still got plenty of good prime years ahead of you. (I am 44)....And you've been learning and focusing on you. The right guy who you deserve is right around the corner-When YOU are ready. Don't settle or compare yourself to anyone else. (((((hugs))))

Thanks guys...All good points. I think he's angry about everything and nothing. I do think he's angry becaUse in the past--he's enjoyed fixing/doing things (home repair. Lawn work, etc)...Now he doesn't (well he likes lawn work still on the riding mower but resents now fixing things around the house (which honestly he used to think if was so cool that he could fix the lawn mower, refrigerAtor, etc)...Now it's "I am just 12...None of my friends have to do this stuff"... So I have backed off except the lawn-he likes it and has customers. He started high school-And they do not keep 7/8th grade separate--he's thrown in there with Seniors--and sees everything.... So it's middle school age-But thrown in with upperclassman. But I think at school things are fine. His golf coach Saturday said "Hey D is 7th grade Vice President. He gave a speech at school and had signs and everything. -Speech in front of 7th grade. He did not tell me any of this-I didn't even know he was running...I said "Wow I am proud of you...great way to take imitative this year. Why didn't you tell me" His response "Oh I forgot all about it..it's no big deal" Also I am picking up he really misses his Dad this year....With golf...starting high school...I He has referenced his Dad several times-which is something he really hasn't done much in years. And yea therapy is the next step if he doesn't get things under control...We aren't there yet but I am not ruling it out.

Yes...walking away... I know his hormones are crazy-he's grown 5 inches in one year...wears a size 12 shoe...almost anyone who meets him assumes he's 16. --But with golf....he's starting to act like "Happy Gilmore" with his mood swings. It's exhausting. My younger two kids do have more of their Dads personality--(quiet...calm)...My oldest is me. I think that's why we butt heads ...and I think the reason the language is setting me over the edge...even though I was a strong willed kid...I would have never dropped the F bomb in front of my parents. Hell I don't think I have ever said it in front of then and I am 44. Just feel like he has no respect for any of us in this house...Including the cats. lol (they run from him too)

Believe it or not Mike-I don't cuss in front of my kids.... ...In fact IRL...I am kinda a sweet southern gal and we don't cuss much. You guys hear it on here because I CAN. Seriously anyone whose friends with me on FB...I am pretty much the "I love kids and nature" type of person. Y'all can handle my gritty side. I keep it at bay IRL and definitely around my kiddos.

Those are really good suggestions....I need to walk away and not engage. It's so hard cause he will wake up or come in and start demanding/yelling....He's just angry. Grades and behavior at school are good...no problems with friends....But takes it out on us. He leaves for school 20 minutes before my other 2....and I breathe a sigh of relief...20 minutes of oeace with his siblings. The language is really pushing me over the edge-I mean he has a sister in 2nd grade who does not need to hear the F bomb constantly. I don't know how to punish--he does chores...he isn't I to Playstation or has a phone...really it's just sports and homework every night...he doesn't drive....I do send him to his room and tell him to cool off......And I have a tendency to bite back...then we go at it which isn't good ...Criticizes my driving....Just very annoyed... But he can still be sweet and good.... He's just all over the place with his moods. He's always been a demanding child--when his Dad was alive he bossed his Dad around too.

He's in sports....golf right now...basketball in the winter....baseball in spring. My life revolves around all there activities....But my oldest has always demanded more attention...from the beginning of widda hood. It started mid 6th grade....has gotten worse....5'10...160lbs...muscles....he's grown a lot in a short period of time and I think it's made him totally hormonally imbalanced. He's a total ass to me and his brother....argues over everything. Yells at his sister...but not as bad. To everyone else I THINK he's still nice. No school problems. But drops the F bomb like it's nothing. He doesn't have an IPhone ...not into electronics...does yard work and does help. But acts like a grumpy old man. He thinks he's an adult. That's somewhat my fault...somewhat genetics. He criticizes everything I do....corrects everything....observes everything....Is very bright (his IQ is 20 pts higher than mine)...But he will never know. My other 2 kids have always been normal average kids...really a joy to parent. He is just angry all the time now. And feels entitled because all his friends are spoiled and have everything they want. I am not enjoying parenting him right now. At all. I spend 75 percent of my time dealing with him and my other 2 get about 25 percent of my time. This ain't for the weak that's for sure.

I think it all Deoends on how you feel and view it. My first few years-I said widow ....when dating, with people (hell even on my FB status)... The past few years-I leave everything blank. When I briefly did online I think I had it blank or single. And I was upfront once I started chatting...but I worded it as "My kids father/late husband died when they were very young". Never said widow-Not that you shouldn't...just at that stage....I didn't identify as a widow in my daily life. Guess it just depends on how you view yourself now. I am all for being upfront with people. And if you meet and don't really mesh with him don't tell hiim Honestly.....everyday men and women don't give much thought to stairs of "widowed" or "divorced" or whatever. I learned that we tend to overthink and worry about it and how they will feel. In reality--most people don't give it much thought.

If I survive his teen years....it will be an accomplishment.... I think someone took my sweet boy and replaced with the demon child. Hormones ranging....swinging moods quicker than any teen girl I think. Argues over everything with be. Everything. He's always been my higher maintenance kid (first born, leader, very bright, bossy)...Bur holy hell....he gives me a migraine almost daily. He's now 5'10 he's only 12...looks like he's 16 or 17...Grades and all that stuff are good...no trouble at school. He's just a complete ass to me and his siblings. Like foul language asshole. It's a battle every morning with him. It's wearing on me already. My other 2 kids are still sweet. And they both stay outta his way and ignore him when he behaves this way. Suggestions?

For ME (and this is a very individualistic thing)....Slow and steady wins the race. DH and I were work colleagues...then buddies...then dated exclusively 3 years before we got married....it took time on both our parts. Fall is always bittersweet...married in fall...started dating in fall...he died in the fall...lots of road trips in the fall. But I am not who I was at 25. And the years have done it's job for me as far as healing. NG isn't DH...I don't want him to be. Something's I will always miss about DH...but NG has qualities DH didn't have. I kinda view them totally separate. DH I am bound to forever because of our kids. I talk about him to the kids all the time. But it's not romantic love--it's more of a family kinship love. NG is romantic love--but it's still early. I am in no rush. Just taking it at face value. It's a mind screw sometimes I know.

It was always too much $$$$ for me to ever go (and I had little kids). I am sure some really enjoy and benefit from it. Regardless of the $$$..it really never appealed to ME. Also plenty of professional widows out in full force at these gatherings-promoting themselves, there expertise, books, self help coaches, DVDs fitness, TV show, etc. I am sure some of the sessions maybe good--but too commercialized for my taste. I am sure others feel differently. Just my opinion

One of our chapter advocates got a law passed requiring suicide prevention training In all WV schools for grades 6-12. One of my friends whose a high school teacher in another county just sent me a message giving me a heads up that the schools are doing it this fall. Shit. My 7th grader really does not need this. I know intentions are good doing it (her brother died from suicide like 20 yrs ago when he was a teenager so she's trying to "save" all the kids).... But for my kid....whose dealt with his Dads suicide for the past 8 years...and it's his first year in high school and he's having a "I miss my Dad" year--This is not good. His friends all know...they've known for years. But he doesn't need it thrown in his face. Like "Oh yeah that's how Ds Dad died"... I know some think this is a good thing in the schools--I do not. I will probably sign him out (they are doing it last period in the high schools) that day early. Damnit.