Sugarbell

I get this.....This is my middle kid. The youngest and oldest very independent....do lots of chores. They are also high maintenance in terms of parenting. My middle kid...low maintenance sweet lovable...but lazy as shit. And somehow because he's so easy going I let chores and responsibilities slip with him. Hasn't affected grades but every year the teacher tells me he is the messiest kid in class and is desk is a pig pen. But I am guilty of doing it all too...because I know how I like things done...but I am not doing him any favors.

Super busy day....work, golf match, gymnastics, planning my sons bday party...homework, baths, laundry.... Crashed in bed talked to NG on ohone...talked about weekend plans....was upbeat. Then after everyone I knew was asleep...turned off the light and I cried... Like I cry every year on Sept 24....The night he took his life. In recent years...life is good and full.... But like clockwork I cry when the day is over. It's been 8 years....it doesn't consume my day...but I will probably cry in the dark for about 10 minutes on this day for the rest of my life. Then Sept 25th will be here....And life will go on as normal. But tonight...I had my yearly private cry. I will love him till I die. I have just learned to keep most of those feelings now to myself. Even though I love another now...I still cry because this is the day my life changed forever.

Yes I so agree. The walks....seem to be dominated by siblings....my one friend who lost his Dad to suicide when he was 18 is also active with the walks. He was good friends with Ben and his suicide affected him horribly. And I agree....What about the survivors?? Not saying siblings aren't...but they are able to go on with there lives/spouse/kids...Being an SOS widow/er....puts a different spin on things. Again not better or worse just different. Try raising kids (any age from 0-18) after a spouse suicides...and the surviving spouse is left with a whole different array of issues...that are always there. DHs friends (we have like 50 people coming to walk on our team-they all knew Ben) has talked me into being present at the walk Saturday. I will probably be the only spouse. I am only staying an hour...Nothing is to be said about me/Ben/kids...but my daughter and I will show our face...then leave. My sons aren't going...I won't discuss any of it with them...they have friends taking them to baseball games/golf... and the organizers still don't get why my 11 and 12 year old sons don't want to be there. Uh...because they have dealt with suicide pretty much there entire fucking lives. Sigh...sorry tonight makes 8 years for me...and my plate is overwhelming full at the moment.

Just sticking with the article...blog whatever the hell this is. (I am sticking to the article not anything else) Anytime I read a blog...and the one small article is full of 5 or 6 photos of ONESELF...in various poses with different aspects of ones life....To ME...reading it cold with no prior knowledge it screams "Classic self absorbed narcissist"..."See me look at me"...Not a scenic photo...or something to that nature which I see in lots of blogs...Bur of oneself???? that ranks right up there with the selfie queens on FB...and IMO distracts from the writing. But that's just me.

I did it a few times in years past (last time was in 2012 Lol) I had two teenage girls who live next door. I paid each one 100...So it was 200 for the weekend for 3. Plus they could go back and forth from there house to mine. I know that's cheap for 3...But they thought they hit the jackpot (they were 16 and 18)... If you have any teenage neighbors close by that's what I would suggest......Plus there parents were only 200 ft away and made sure they were doing what they were supposed to. lol

Barney needs a hugs....And Portside is talking about threesomes... this thread is getting interesting! 8) Seriously though...I like hot sex as much as anyone...it's important but certainly that alone wouldn't keep me. When I look back on Ben...and it's been 8 years...the things still in my heart about him aren't at all related to sex (and it was good)...But all the other qualities is what I still hold dear to my soul.

Well....There I guess are some ways to prevent some suicides../ Veterans...Give them better after care when they come home. Also less deployments...Will it save all? Nope...but I think it certainly could reduce the numbers (this is nothing the advocacy groups can do-this is the damn governments job) Teenagers-I do see some cases with bullying/cyber bullying leading to suicide. I think addressing those issues (not necessarily suicide) could help. Again not all..but some kids. I don't know about the rest. I really don't. I don't know any studies...just my experience. I mean as survivors we have the added layer of guilt to our grief-and it took me years to let it go. I couldn't have stopped Ben...he saw his best friend and parents the night before he did it...they couldn't stop him. Maybe more gun control would help in some cases (and that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into).. but I dunno...I really don't know.

Nice to have you back AC!!! :)

Sorry Mitzpah...You're right. My bad...my apologies...I promise I will zip it.

Oh I admit I am being judging. Total character flaw and I know better. It's the time of the year and I think I have just seen too many "See me" "Hear me" lately and I know I am being over sensitive. (nothing to do with any widows..IRL stuff)

LOL! Barney you've been around longer than me....I know you know what I am talking about. 😜😜 I know we all had it shitty and our hearts were shattered. I have just seen too many widows with young kids really struggle in more ways than just grief (which all the other stuff complicates the grief)....The nannies and 8 hour workouts were before any paid job or anything. I am all about fitness and keep in shape...but during that time I could not relate at all. Kind of reminds me of Miss America pageants....you know the world peace and saving the world...yet very few know the behind the scenes stuff.

We aren't going. My boys don't go....my daughter goes but doesn't really care. When we started walking years ago...it was a different organizer. Her heart was in the right place...it was smaller...my kids younger...and it was good for them to see there Dads friends supporting Daddy. It was fun for them. Since she left...the past few years the entire atmosphere changed. And I seriously do not want to be an audience to listen to the same 2 egos speak. I have a very busy weekend that weekend....and really being at the park at 7am....for something that isn't helpful up my kids or myself...on my 8 yr sadanniversary....then have a 10 boy sleepover at my home that evening? No. This was a sign to bolt. I will talk privately to the team members I am close with...they will get it. I love mysel and my daughter too much to put ourselves thru that torture. Lol...And my son deserves me at my best on his birthday. Also I think often an absence or complete shun speaks much louder my feelings than any words I could say.

I think the 2 of them have gotten so wrapped up since they got a law passed that suicide prevention is mandatory in the schools that they think the world wants to hear them speak and they think every survivor wants there story on public display: They need reined in...but I am just no longer going to participate or be a part of this circus: if I got really nasty it would just cause drama...not going to feed the drama beast. Best thing for me to do is to have no contact and not participate in this mess anymore: And Sat I am showing my face..talking to Bs friends then bolting: Unbelievable.

I had mentioned on here a while back about being asked to speak at our OODW next weekend. I declined a few weeks ago. It's a super crazy weekend...ball games, homecoming, my oldest going to his first real dance, middle sons birthday party and that weekend is 8 years for me since Ben died. Sent an email to one of our 2 organizers just confirming that I wasn't speaking and telling her I am leaving early due to my kids activities. She responds back "That is fine...M (the other over zealous organizer)...is going to speak (she loves it) and is going to tell your story and about you being a first responder to your husbands suicide and the impact on survivors when they are the first ones to find the deceased"... I had to read it twice....I couldn't believe a person could be so arrogant and thoughtless. (to her it's not...she tells her story about her brother over and over publicly at speaking engagements any time she gets a chance) So I responded back "You must have misunderstood...I have no problem with public speaking...I do it daily in my profession. I do not want to speak nor do I want my personal story shared. If I wanted to share it...it would come from me. I am rather insulted. Furthermore my sons refuse to come to this walk because it's always such a downer...and my 8 year old daughter will be there with me. She really doesn't need to hear me or anyone for that matter hear details about her fathers death. My kids are not in denial...they have known about his suicide pretty much their entire lives...But there is no need to rehash a private matter 8 years later. I know you are committed to this cause. I know losing your siblings (both of them lost a sibling when they were teenagers at a young age) But being widowed at a young age to suicide to with 3 young kids is entirely different than losing a sibling. Not that one is worse than the other....But this has never been about me or my ego...it's always been about protecting raising my kids. " I seriously do not want to even go now. I am going because Bens friends have raised tons of money and the team name is DHs name. I told his close friend I will not be back next year and to change the team name. He understands. This is worse than the egos who run our PTA (which is why I am not a member) Who the hell does that kind of shit??? I want to throat punch someone.

(((((hugs)))) My youngest is in 2nd grade and yes they have piled it on this year. I understand the time thing....in our house lately we are all up till 10 or 11 doing homework because the evening is so full and busy. I am so glad it's Friday and one of the reasons is I know I have 3 free nights without all the damn homework. My 5th grader had FOUR hours the other night. I thought I was going to lose my mind!

Oh I get this....Somewhere around year 2 and 3 sheer exhaustion kicked in mixed with complicated grief. Somewhere along the threshold it did get easier...I don't know if my mind and body just started coping accepting if better...but. There were plenty of days that I just didn't want to get outta bed and face the day. Hang in there!! We get it...

Port side-Thank you for posting! I am been secretively very aggravated with WV new AFSP organizers. With all the prevention talk and how they can make a world without suicide through prevention. I do not speak my thoughts because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer for the cause...but inside I am thinking "WTF??".... And I think everyone situation is so individual and unique. Both of these over zealous activists lost a sibling over 20 yrs ago while the sibling was still in high school...And yes...in SOME cases with teenagers prevention in bullying/cyber bullying/discussion about warning signs may help some teenagers. But it insults me that they think the needs to a 15 year old kid (whose brain and decision making skills aren't even fully developed) is the same as a middle age man or woman with a long term mental illness or addiction problem or physical ailments or major stressors in life that they can't cope with. If I hear one more "Be there and talk..end the silence...end suicide"...I think I might go Appalachia on someone. This isn't something that you can make a one size fits all. When I tell a select few about my late husbands legal troubles/half a million dollar fine he was facing and prison time....Half the people I tell it too have said "Damn...yea I do get that"--all brought on though by his own addictions and spending habits (another can of worms). Wish you were here and could tell your story to our over zealous activists. I think they need a reality check. (

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I said she was a good writer and marketed her brand well. Not taking away from her talents at all. I hope the article helps widows/widowers. I have just been around for so long....and know too much. Probably should've kept my trap shut. : Carry on...Yes I can see the article being very helpful to some.

Well her livelihood depends on having the widow status. I knew of her as a FB friend years ago before OFW. I know I am bias...but I deleted her then when she quit her job, hired nannies to watch her kids and worked out 8 hours a day. I am glad it helped her and was positive. But I just couldn't relate-most widows with little ones (and myself included) were struggling at that time to get by with work /taking care of kids solo. And well all the self bikini pics just did me in. iRL I would not have anything in common with her so I deleted. But if it helps other widows that's awesome-I just always viewed her stuff as pretty narcissistic and self promoting. I couldn't relate to that stuff 8 years ago nor can I now. But she's a great writer and markets her brand well.

Something all the schools (included my kids) have done is when a kid gets in trouble for whatever reason-they have to walk a lap during recess. Usually about 20 percent of doing one or two laps. (Small track and just walking).. they switched it because all the studies have shown that the worst thing you can do is take away a kids recess (ADHD or not..)...Bur it's still a "punishment" in the kids eyes but it's good for them. Think I would talk to the teacher...possibly the administrator with a few studies supporting this. I am sure there are plenty. Our teachers in the county had to sit thru a 2 hr I In service this summer on this very issue. Homework just bites. Sending you support!!

I adore him...When Obama picked him as his running mate in 2008...I knew very little about him. Didn't know he was a widow...but loved what he stood for politically and he always drew me in when he spoke. I developed a secret crush and people thought I was crazy. lol After learning more and watching him over the past 8 years...he's a class act. He's brilliant yet humble...The man is deep...And I agree his wife Jill is just as amazing as him.

You came to the party for your friend and held your head up high!... Stepfordites are usually not very adaptable. When I realized that my sheer presence at things made certain people uncomfortable (and no never asked me a question about anything)... I came to the conclusion that I pop the bubble in the utopia fantasy they live. Usually people I never thought would accept me and talk were the ones who surprised me. And they were quite interesting deep thinkers. Honestly now the Stepfordites bore the hell out of me. When our paths cross at things...I am always polite and move on and chat elsewhere. Ugh...The things they don't discuss about widowhood in the self help books.

Oh I remember this feeling... Years 3 and 4...Exactly what you just described....the old couple friends..my sons friends parents...the ones that we hung out with, took ski trips with....then the awkwardness and coldness when we meet up again in a social situation. I get this. The good news is...now at year 8...When paths cross I look at them as nothing more than an acquaintance. No weird feelings...nothing. Just a civil brief acquaintance.

I think those doing prevention work with AFSP...the walks, etc...Are doing it more for themselves to heal...to feel like the loved ones death had a purpose. I can tell you from experience they get very over zealous in their effort. Does Iit prevent suicides? Nope. (They would beg to differ)...Does it raise awareness and reduce the stigma? Possibly in some cases but not all. Personally I have always felt more called to reach out and help the survivors. Those living day by day after suffering such a loss. Prevention no...not my thing (although for several years early on I raised tons of money for the walks--but looking back it was for my healing..) Those that do it (prevention) truly feel like they are saving lives....-In my opinion they really aren't...but USUALLY it's a positive way to handle their grief. I am a little annoyed with all the prevention talk going on where I live right now so my opinion might be biased. I see a lot of ego also involved.