Sugarbell

I am so sorry for your loss and the kiddos loss. I am probably not much help-mine were all under 5....But my oldest ( who was close to 5).. took out his anger physically at the time. Like hitting large trees as hard as he could with a golf club until it broke. I know kids are all different-but with my boys (who are now 10 and 12)... being physical has helped them cope over the years. They don't do well with idle time...so sports, outdoor work...it's been like therapy for them-Even now. Plus they are around other boys and usually men coaches-and it's just helped. (Depends on the kid I suppose) My daughter is now 8..and was a baby when he died. Not much help with girls-I am still learning the gir/mood swing thing myself. But she is the one...even now...who can lash out with "You are the worst Mommy in the whole wide world" to 10 minutes later telling me how awesome I am. She can swing a mood very quick. So I let her temper tantrums roll off my back anymore.

Trip was amazing....we crammed in lots of adventures in 4 days. I could go on and on....But I think we both passed each other's mental tests. He gets my weirdness....i get his. He's a smartass...but adaptable.. Everyone got along great-it was a fun, smooth trip!!

His name was Benjamin. We called him Ben. Or Bitter Ben (because he wAs a complete smartass with a dry sense of humor-a young George Carlin who loved being politically incorrect..) My Dad called him Gentle Ben (after a 70s show about a big ole gentle bear$ Or Benny Hanna was another nickname. But he was my Ben.

My brief experience--do not lie about your height!! If you say you are 6 ft....but are really 5'7...And I show up all 5'10 of me in 2 inch heels... Well it's embarrassing and awkward. Even new guy said he was 6....nope he's 5'11...No biggie but come on! You can camouflage a few pounds...but height is cut and dry. The other crap I could weed through....but height...nope unless they said 6'3 or above I was prepared for anything

Yeah I don't get the "rushed time frame" Are you away from your kids when you are with her? Is she good to the kids?? Or when she has her depression attacks (although just by reading this it sounds like more insecure jealousy). While I whole heartedily believe in living your life without needing others approval....sometimes our friends...those who really know us well...see things we don't. I myself have been guilty of having blinders on then getting defensive when anyone said anything I didn't like. But really at this stage??? what kind of emotional baggage could you all have just between the 2 of you?? I dunno....I am very cautious now not to say what I think when I see the outcome ahead of time. It does nothing but aggravate people so I will stay quiet. The only advice I have is slow down...sometimes it takes a while to see all levels of a person....you don't want unstable bs around your kids.

The best revenge is apathy. Move on..forget this dweeb...Be open to other people. Don't let him consume any more of your thoughts or time. I am sorry he turned out to be a jerk. You are better off learning this now as opposed to in another 6 months or year. ((((hugs)))

That one took me a while too. I was rejected by my old couple friends here....but the new ones I am not jealous of...But it's been a long time for me. My best girl friends from all school-all married high school sweethearts, never left the town we grew up in...are celebrating like 25 or 27 years of marriage. Not jealous...but realize they have had a more sheltered life than me...they seemed to always be protected from the elements of the big bad realities of the world. But they accept me and me them...so it's ok. But yeah, early on--the couples where I live now just made me cringe.

This should be interesting. I asked all 3 kids how they felt if he went with us. They are all 3 outspoken and opionated and said "YeH it will be fun".. they all (including daughter now like him)...I am hesitate cause I am used to being in charge when it comes to traveling with my kids...but I need to learn compromise, etc so trying it. Just 5 days 4 nights. First night Niagara Falls-We got adjoining rooms. Then next two nights at Watkins Glen State Park-Cqmping in a large two room 12 person tent (he is not a camper at all...but I planned it and he's going with it for me-he's actually excited. Then a night in Rochester to go to Seabreeze Amusement park. Separate hotel rooms (not adjoining ) Them home. Just a quick loop. Wish me luck next week. We are getting more serious--but he knows I want to date for years before any formal (marriage) commitment. I guess this is another test of compatibility-Vacationing just the 2 of us went great...Now trying it with my 3. If we are still speaking after this trip (Lol)...he wants to take all of us (including his 20 year old daughter) to NYC in the fall and Washingon DC. I am paying for everything for kids and I ( rooms booked at Motel 6 and Budget Inn and camping)--He's paying for his room and said we can split food expenses (Altbough I do coolers and bring most of food)...happy that he's willing to come over to my side and let me plan/pay/etc...hopefully he can handle the way we travel (which is like gypsies-I get a rush seeing how cheap I can vacation). Lol. If he can survive 2 nights in a tent with us he might just be a keeper .

With Bs death being suicide...I never blamed God. I blamed evil. I guess my view has become as simplistic as good vs evil... Darkness vs light. I think we are always in a struggle to stay towards the light and not fall prey to darkness (this is said as a recovering addict who fights my own demons daily) When DH died...I saw evil, felt evil...negative energy was everywhere around me. I won't elaborate--no point. But i guess my religion now is always going to the light- Be good and do good. A combo of Christianity. Buddhism and Wiccan. Straight Christianity doesn't totally cut it for me now. (but publicly again I never mention any of this)

Are you marrying her because you are afraid of being alone or hurting her feelings? Or are you marrying her because you know without a shadow of a doubt you want to spend your life with her? Can't remember if she has kids too...I would just be cautious. If something feels off--it usually is.

Sure you still have feelings....and because you do you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's why I had to erase his number, all former texts and block him. I forgot his number within days-so I couldn't be tempted to call. It's hard...it's hard when you know he's not what you need but you still care. That's when you have to protect yourself. And break the habit...breaking the habit of him can be just as hard as your true feelings for him. The habit.

Block his number...then he can't call or text. That's the only thing that worked for me...when I finally made the break. Before then the texting, talking...it will lead you nowhere except head and heartache.

I will admit I am more jaded now...or rather more realistic. When my best friend from childhood died this spring....everyone e was praying via FB. Everytime she a good report--it was "Praise God I am healed" followed the next month by taking a turn for the worse. I research melanoma-her stage, etc. I pretty much logically knew she was going to die. Everyone kept sending cyber prayers-I message all of the prayer warriors and told them to send her cards...that she could read. People sent prayers but never bothered to make the trip to see her (4 hours away)...But sent prayers...and dozens made the trip to the funeral. Why bother with the funeral? She's dead now. See her while she's alive. Then I had to hear the " This happened for a reason bullshit"...No it happened because of genetics. : Her skin type, overexposure to years of tanning beds...and the doctor didn't catch it early enough. If it would have been caught 3 months earlier before it spread-she probably would've lived. Sometimes I think people who have never dealt with tragedy look at God as Santa Clause-who saves the best and the chosen ones...an discards those who aren't as worthy. I believe in evolution too and survival of the fittest (again genetics)... But I never express that view in real life.. Bible Belt creationism area.

Yes. I used to feel this way...for some time. I resented hearing about the "miracles" and being "blessed" a loved ones survived something. I usually mumbled "It's all random" Raised Christian...my kids raised Christian (Methodist).. While I haven't been angry in years...I still occasionally cringe when I hear about a "divine plan" etc. I believe in God...I believe in helping the world why we are here...I question different aspects of all organized religion. I think it's bigger than one religion. I no longer believe one is right and one is wrong. I now want to learn as much about ALL religions...and pretty much take a little from each one and incorporate it in my life. Being a suicide widow doesn't help where I live...one church says he's in hell...I can go down the block to another church and they say he's not. Depends on there own man made interpretation. I do now believe in isolated miracles....but I believe that much of life circumstances are random. God doesn't choose who to save from death and who to let die. I used to resent people who basically were in and out of prison being constantly "saved by the hand of God"...and good productive people who helped the world would die in some tragic way. I think God doesn't interfere with laws of physics, genetics...what doctor may be on call, etc. Some things (as shitty as they are) are just random. Good and Bad. No logic or reason...just random. ((((hugs)))

Ugh I am so sorry....I agree he's one of those guys that is a predator looking for prey. And I agree-he will want to keep contact to weasel his way back in. I remember my first post widow breakup-I feel so naive afterwards.... and he did try to be. "Friends". I do remember lashing out at him and I said "Well I don't care that we are over .... You suck in bed ... Like horrible worst I have ever had " Never heard from him again.

Well....I do get Trying as far as her sons feelings. I really think it's an individual case by case kid by kid issue. Ages, personality, gender, circumstances regarding death of parent, past relationship with deceased parent, relationship with living parent etc. And it seems--and this is just my opinion of reading on here for years and meeting other wids over the years....that kids USUALLY have an easier time with Dad dating/remarrying than Mom. Not all cases of course...and this has just been an observation. Especially the teen years....when my boys were 3 and 4...they could care less. Now almost 13 and 11...(and it's just been me for the bulk of 8 years)...I do take into consideration there feelings, input. No they can't be rude...but you only get to parent young people once. You don't get a do over in the impact you make on there lives. I am not even close to thinking marriage-but new guy knows...while he has a lovely home, etc...The school system in his area sucks. It's not optional-if things progressed I would not send my kids to school there. There would have to probably be a move on both our parts. From what I have read from Tryings posts her DH was a very active involved stable father for her boys for most of there lives. We don't know the dynamics of the relationship. If a kid had an unstable or unpredictable relationship with deceased spouse...I could see it being easier to accept a new stable partner for living parent. As a parent...I feel we have a responsibility to our kids future, etc. We aren't high schoolers who can just "Do what we want and they will adjust" Frankly...I admire the way she's handled her new relationship. None of this is easy...

Really??? My daughter thinks the opposite...that older girls are prettier. Of course...she doesn't have a younger sister or younger cousins. She's the baby in the family...she idolizes her teenage female cousins and all of our teenage neighbor girls. But she's a tall skinny knobby kneed kid. She's beautiful in her unique way...but not the little girl cute. More tomboy-I was the exact same way then bloomed as a teen. But she's in a phase not caring what she looks like. A year ago was a priss phase. So maybe it's just a phase for your daughter,?

I get this. IRL-as far as relationships go...I have always been pretty private. My close girlfriends know, neighbors, but I don't discuss any details. It will be a year in Sept since we started talking-he's met my Mom (who would not like any guy I got involved with)..and we go out and about to kids sports events etc. Really--I don't care what anyone thinks...I just don't over share with people (yeah funny cuz on here I know I have) But I don't have the old couple friends anymore--I could see that causing me anxiety if I did.--He's going with me camping with 3 of my friends and there significant others (none are married)..So he fits in easily there. Nothing wrong with not wanting to shout it out from the roof tops. If you are both happy-that's all that matter. And I think people sense that happiness/comfort..which is good.

I think it's the personAlity of the kid. My daughter (7) and I love cheap road trips. We could be gypsies for a month and travel..camp, etc. My 12 year old son hates traveling-Even to the beach (loves the beach hates driving) He's a nervous wreck flying..all of it. His sister thrives on it. My 10 year old is somewhere in the middle. And I find myself thinking "Oh my 12 year old is missing out on being exposed to different places".. But that's me and my feelings... not his. He is happier not going so much. So the right decision for HIM is not going. You're right...

Ugh!! Yes...I would get the "girls" only invites for a while....but I was chopped liver as far as couple parties. And yes....they would talk and laugh about previous things that happened at the couples parties I would be left out of. I remember thinking "Are they freaking for real?? or just a special kind of stupid" I think in their heads that I would be uncomfortable with couples parties....but the real issue was THEY were uncomfortable with my new single status. I know people dislike Fakebook....but for me-it helped me reconnect with my old high school friends-some that now live in surrounding areas...some were divorced, widowed...unhappily married (lol) and even happily married....But it didn't matter...We hang out...sometimes I was the third wheel-but they didn't care. And it did help me expand to other married people outside the old circle that weren't as cliquey... Your "group" sounds so much like my old group. And now...honestly...I have nothing in common with them (except sons the same age)...I don't give being left out a thought because we aren't friends..I don't enjoy there company. But it took me a few years to get to that point. I used to want to call them out like "Oh that sounds fun...too bad I was moved to the D list and wasn't invited" But I never did. I usually say there in disbelief.

Hoover Dam and touring the catcus gardens was my favorite. Honestly-I would've loved to have gone to the Grand Canyon, Death Valley-I could spend a full week in the desert. But not Vegas-Glad I experienced it-but 3 days was plenty in that city. lok

(((((hugs))))) To say you have been through a lot is an understatement. I remember my first year or two that I didn't want to isolate myself-but insulate myself...The trauma took it's toll on me. I am sorry the meds are not helping like you anticipated. You made the right decision not going to amusement park. Take tine to heal--physically and emotionally.

We've been going out for 10 months...First adult only get away to Vegas for 3 nights. I admit I was nervous, apprehensive. You find out compatibility when traveling across the country together and spending that much time together. It went great....Yea we are different (like he tries to jam in everything and be at the airport just at the last minute to catch plane-me boring need to be early for everything when traveling) But it didn't bother me...I appreciated his sense of adventure and wanting to show me everything in the area. DH was the same way. And He was more open with his feelings as was I. It's progressing...at a pace I like. He even said "We didn't have sex much...but I liked it better that way on this trip...We were so busy seeing everything. We connect on so many levels". And it was nice....well it was wonderful not being under the watchful eye of 3 little people (although they called me like 3 times a day...and my male cat sprayed in my favorite tote bag because he was pissed my Mother was at the house) Cleaning/fumigating cat smelling bag/daughters room tomorrow. Back to reality.

Yeah....I find that aggravating. The one time I was "reinvited" to the NYE party of the old couple friends was during my 6 month joke of a mess in 2011. I was an utter train wreck-but I had a man...so I was acceptable now. That's when I realized how shallow my old couple friends were. And just recently started taking B (guy friend) to baseball tournaments...and everyone is now sitting around me interested. It's rather amusing actually.

It's like a big sociology experiment watching friends suddenly (or gradually ) drop all contact. I have one friend...who I consider a real friend left from before widowhood. Now....many old friends suddenly came back into my life after like 5 years..when I was "healed"..having fun, moving onward... But they are no longer what I consider friends. I am nice...but do not confide, share, trust...These are people generally I see through kids stuff now. They are acquaintances to me but I am warm and open when we run into each other-But we do not socialize outside of kids. In my old life we did...I tried and reached out early on-when I needed them...I find them very boring and small minded now. My new address book is mostly divorced, never married...a few new couple friends.