Sugarbell

Widows/ers, Divorcees...all come with different sets of issues. It depends on what the other person in the relationship can handle. Also I believe you can't underestimate the impact time has on healing. And some people are probe to play victim and be screwed up regardless of there status or never married, etc. A widower can have his shit together at a year out...and some may take 10 years (same for widows and same for divorcees) A year was my minimum time frame when I decided to start dating again round 2. Also didn't go even on a date (why? Didn't want to lead anyone on) with guys that had small children, lived far away, etc. Some thought I was closed minded-but I looked at it as knowing what I wanted and not playing or leading anyone on. But it took me years to get there. I am a slow learner.

At one time..(like first 2-3 years) I considered widow part of my personal identity. A widow 6 months out as well as a divorcee 6 months out...well still feel "connected" to the title so to speak. Really for me....don't pay attention to titles as much as state of mind place in life. Dating a divorcee 6 months out with young kids and baggage from ex would be a challenge...But really dating a widow/er 6 months out with young kids could be equally as challenging. Look at the person-not title. My guy has been divorced 15 yrs...but I don't identify him as a divorcee-cause him and his ex have no problems, anger, money issues. He said the early years were a mess as was he. He really doesn't look at me as a widow--I mean I am...but after almost 8 years...my new life is established (although his Dad died when he was 7 so he does get the kids/death/always remember there Dad part of this. I don't think one is easier to date than the other...it's individual and with many factors involved.

((((((BillsKim)))))) Do you live close to any churches? I know many churches do have food pantries...but also have discretionary funds to help with emergency relief for people. We have at least once a week someone walk into the church office needing help. Those funds have helped fix a car, pay utility bills, pay rent, etc. Also many times the people (secretary, pastor, etc) have contacts to help people get seasonal/temporary jobs. When I friend of mine was in financial trouble a few years ago-the church hired her to clean and help answer phones. I am not that big into organized religion...but most churches have many resources to help those in the community. Even calling local churches-Many have outreach workers/volunteers who will come to you with assistance if you can't make it to them. Sending you strength.

On my 2nd margarita...big kid recruited me for another hour of yard work....it's much more tolerable with a drink.

Erased.....I was just whining. Going to make a frozen drink sit on my deck and settle for a ME hour. Alls good.

It wasn't worth the effort responding. The offensive comment had already been deleted. Won't make that mistake again.

OMG...That's hysterical!!! It HAS to be a joke to see if anyone replies and what kind of replies. Someone should send this nutso a fake pic and mess with him. WTF??

Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry for his family. Damnit again

Sending you big hugs MS (((((((Hugs)))) My experience (and I am mostly thinking here of toxic ex --my 6 month marriage).. we couldn't remain friends or in touch. It wasn't healthy for me at the time. I had no contact..erased and blocked numbers, texts, etc. when we had tried to end it before (Divorced in Oct 2011...but took till Feb 2012 to have NO contact) It sent me spinning..messed with my head. I needed to be busy...I needed people/old and new friends...needed my hobbies and interests back...I needed to date myself. And while dating myself...I began to like myself again. Sorry you are hurting. I know it stings...(((((Stay strong))))

Do not make yourself sick over this!!!! You have a good head on your shoulders...you are smart and independent. If you think it was a mistake--you are doing the right thing letting him know immediately. Odds are...when he realizes he has no chance with you-he will be back with gf. Being widowed...raising 3 little ones...mixed in with alcohol and his established relationship with the kids?? No wonder you were vulnerable. Hell...if DHs brother would've been hot/nice/good with my kids and I was drunk...I bet I would've slept with him ! Luckily....he repulses me...and he wants nothing to do with his niece and nephew. You're fine....you are going to be fine Kate. (((hugs))))

It could be...I wouldn't rule it out. Or brain overload possibly. I had PTSD for several years...But mine was always there...cars, traffic, bright light, loud noises. Constant feeling of anxiety and being overwhelmed. I have to have quiet time-I just do..even 10 minutes sitting under a tree keeps me "even". maybe read about different techniques you can do at home to help you (I have ADD too-since college and not medicated so I also have to do certain things to help me stay on top of things) - (((Hugs)))

No experience here.....but wanted to send you big ((((Hugs))))) Just my opinion...sometimes therapy....well gives kids an excuse reason to act out more. Like subconsciously certain seeds are planted in therapy that may have not been there to start with. This opinion isn't a popular one and by no means am I saying it's correct...But it was just something my pediatrician told me years ago. But I have never dealt with teens and grief. Just wanted to send you strength!

(((((hugs))))) If they are strangers...you don't owe them any explanation "Tragic accident" "Violent traumatic death"...I have used all those words. The first two years I literally said "He shot himself in the head". I don't know why I said it that way instead of suicide...I think to make them uncomfortable or to be obnoxious. Actually this weekend I was at a baseball game with guy friend...and some lady asked if he was my husband told her no...Was stuck beside her and she asked "Does your ex ever come to the kids games" Me: No he's deceased died when the kids were very little Lady: Oh you are young...did he have cancer? Me:No Lady: Did he die in an accident? Me: No Now usually the one word answers give people ths hint not to pry...But she did.... Lady: "Well what happened" Me: "Self inflicted gun shot wound...to the head..died instantly. Then she shut up. Doesn't bother me at all anymore when asked...I can predict those that don't get the hint to stop asking. This woman was in her 70s so I was more tactful. I am so sorry. Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. And if you don't want to tell them don't tell them. (((((hugs))))))

Congrats making it thru 1st grade!!! 1st grade was the toughest year for my middle child...my baby is almost finished with grade 1...and even though for the most part it's been a smooth year-I am very glad it almost over (she has worksheets, reading assignments and math problems every night. Spelling/Reading tests every week...big difference from Kindergarten...I swear I don't remember my boys having that amount of work in 1st grade!

I regularly do not feel anger....actually the opposite...However...when I am stuck with the inlaws...I do still get mad. (I have had them all day at the baseball field) And I get mad...That I am stuck with them forever...alone navigating them..(DH was the buffer)... and I see them pulling the same bullshit with my kids that they did with there own son 30 years ago. No end in sight... Unless I move far away or they die.

That is awesome for your son and for you!!! I think you're an amazing Momma!

Lordy....I have been all over the place with this one....I have 2 chapters to my widowhood 1st chapter-Drugged up self.....ready to date at 3 months out...dated (several 3 month diversions then they fizzled out)..a few hook ups, a 6 month marriage....I will say they all moved very fast, very intense...I never felt guilt. Not once. GOT CLEAN/SOBER.....2 1/2 year break from all men, dating, sex...everything When my 2nd chapter of widowed started...and I knew I was ready to date again...found a good one pretty quickly. 8 months now..we have been exclusive for 6 months...but we both take things slow. We've said the "L" word...but neither one of us are in a hurry to uproot our lives. I like this speed. But it's how I was before widowhood (DH and I were the same way) But never guilt about recouping, dating, having sex. I deal with guilt in other areas of my life (regarding my kids during early widow years) but not in regards to a new love.

Go on a Thelma and Louise trip with Maureen next month!! My high school ex sociopath was trying to woo me hard last summer. I may have shown some of you pics...He's hot like magazine hot, smooth talker, articulate, persuasive, (I mean he convinced 14 other people to embezzle money too before he got caught) The two times I talked to him....he discusses crazy ex wife and crazy ex gf (who he kept on a string until he got out of prison) How they wanted to still have sex with him...how the young 20 Sonething ladies wanted to sleep with him, etc. I blocked his number in July...no more contact. I told several friends he would find a wealthy or at least an established woman to marry him, need him. He got remArried December 27-2014. He's a predator and good predators are so charismatic...they woo everyone around them. I am not saying this is the case here at all Mel..I do see red flags...but I have no clue about this man. I am just saying for everyone-I think I am sharp at things...if I didn't have a 25 yr history with high school felon-I could've fallen for his line of crap. Luckily I knew him inside out...cause on the service predators can be oh so charming. Time time time. Narcissists and Sociopaths like to rush things very quickly. If you wait too long the mask may fall off and you can see there true colors. And like Simired said..then comes the control and mind games.

I guess now...I could be in a committed long term living together relationship without the official " marriage" part. Not saying it will never happen again...but I do know of several couples that have been together over 20 years now without "marriage"...they have there own commitment ceremonies, etc...but not the religious "marriage" Actually the two I am thinking of seem to be more passionate and don't take each other for granted like some of my married friends...But I think it takes two very secure people to pull it off long term. And yeah-the tax breaks, money, etc all makes marriage more appealing (civilized part...man made part) But I think really it's what ever makes the 2 people happy.

That is brilliant Brie!!!!

Tracey- You need the widow-wagon bus (the 70s greyhound my friend made into an RV) to drive up and kidnap you and your son. Go on a month long Thelma/Louise road trip with about a dozen Widda-after I hijack this bus!!!! And we can mail your man the divorce papers.....or have my younger brother deliver them (the kid is built with no body fat and is scary....actually he threatened my ex to never come back around the house or he would take care of him WV style)

Marriage was created to attempt to keep us civilized. Lol I do agree Barney-the younger wanting kids part....shoot that's why we got married-We wanted kids and wanted them protected (civilized part) I look at it more as a civil contract for protection. Middle age/older we start thinking of retirement, SS, pensions,money ,power of attorney, wills, families, assets. I mean really.... It's more for protection of each other.

(((((hugs))))) I echo what others have said...You are an amazing Momma! It's tough...it's not fair...but you are doing great being there for your son.

Yes! And I apologize...I was waiting to see if my boys made district team and dates of the tournament. I am arriving Saturday August 1 and leaving Monday the 3rd. The Upper New River-2 day trip. We arrive on Saturday...August 1st. check in the Platform bunkhouse after 4. However if anyone gets there early...they can use the pool, hike, resort etc. Saturday night spend the night and have dinner. Sunday morning breakfast....raft all day (lunch and dinner included) and another night in the hemlock bunkhouse. ..-you need to bring sleeping bags but we will have cots. Cost per person-200.19 per adult. Kids-(ages 6-12) 113.14 We can put 8 people per bunkhouse (I will have 5 people)...We can put 8 people and a guide in a raft. I am going to put it under "Haynes Group"-So people can call in and make there own reservations. But we can all be together-in rafts. The number is Adventures On The Gorge-1.855-430-7498. I am going with platform tents because it's the cheapest. If you opt to go with other lodging-the have everything from rustic to deluxe 1-4 bedroom cabins-but they are more $$$. But it's an option for those who want something nicer. Also the mountain biking, zip lining, hiking, rock climbing, etc. if anyone wants to do those-you can book it once you are down there (everything is on site) I was just trying to book the least expensive group activity for all of us. Trust me you could spend a week doing adventures at this place. TheAdventureResort.com is website Email-info@adventureonthegorge.com You can look online at various lodging options, prices, etc. Address 219 Chestnutburg Road Lansing WV 25862 This is going to be a blast!

My oldest "graduates" from 6th grade in 2 weeks. Here it's a big deal-we don't have a middle school....7th grade they go right to the high school. He started public school PreK 3 weeks before DH died . At PreK orientation with pics... It was just me. DH was too far gone at that point. All the Open houses, parent teacher conferences, programs...it's just been me with him. He's had a good year.... Was the only. 6 the grader to make "middle school" baseball team...made middle school golf team as a 6th grader...is well respected by his teachers/friends. His class is tough....lots of Stepford parents pushing their boys (and they all have boys) to the top. He rose above it. Tomorrow is the 6th grade academic banquet for kids maintaining a 4.0. Next week he registers for classes at high school. His gifted teacher is making sure he's on the advanced academic track and so far I know he's taking Algebra and French next year. It seems like yesterday he was starting PreK. 3 weeks into the school year his Dad killed himself. I know the next 6 years are going to be full of challenges. I know and am prepared that with the teen years things could get bumpy. But for today....I can breath and reflect on his accomplishments. And relish in it. He did it. I did it. We did it. It's another milestone for us.