tybec

This is long but a good listen about "blending families". Made me understand some of the recent comments about doing your own thing separately for a while. And there still are "blending" challenges with adult children. So, many of us had "first families" that ended due to death. Add on recoupling with divorced folks or single folks with kids, and there are just all kinds of dynamics. Anyway..... https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-aamft-podcast/id1450828084?i=1000479815056

I don't have any great answer. I agree with Maureen. I did not have a strained relationship but boundaries were problematic with my MIL and my husband set them between our family and her. After his death, I held her only grandson, so treading those waters was hard. I was not always graceful doing so. It has been 8 yrs. I now reach out to her on his birthday. I believe the birth of her son was the most precious day for her, and I give special acknowledgement to her on that date. It took a while to get there but thankfully, I am here. Wish you the best on whatever you decide.

Beautiful pics! Brokenheart2 - this 🙏 It hurts but not like it did. I hurt for my son. Those are the great tears I shed, at every event his father should have been there for him. And the truth is, he may not really know what he missed, ya know? It's not his reality. But mine as I had a dad for all those events. Aw, we were so fortunate and perhaps, we will continue to find joy in all kinds of way.

HI Bunny! Thanks for sharing. I am the memory and story holder for my dead husband. I share on FB. Yes, strange with dating. I post on his birthday "happy birthday in heaven." I post the day he died. And I have posted on our anniversary but not the last couple years. It has changed. I feel different. It is memories now. 8 years. So strange how your brain can detach over time. I guess out of necessity. I shared a picture two days ago of my maid of honor and me in high school from a high school dance. We have been friends since age 4. And she commented how much she loved me and my LH and we were an amazing couple. She stated she was so happy she was the one who told me he loved me (in high school). I didn't bring that up, but there it is. I get remarks from others often. For a man to date me, they have to handle my old life. I don't put it in his face but I grew up with my LH and my identity was a couple, not a single person. I am changing. I know part of the reason the man I dated so long loved me IS because of who I was because of my marriage and LH, specifically. Our wedding photo. 30 yrs ago this year.

1. Called to get repair person out again for air conditioning. 2. Called to see when my teen may get to take his driver's test. Delayed to April 6. Nothing since then. 3. No client's scheduled which is a downer. So, clear out case load and text folks to see if they will return now and try telehealth since is is not just ending in April as originally planned. Pandemic life - Meh.. But on it.

1. Did volunteer work on line. Miss seeing folks, though. 2. Paid bills 3. Went for a walk though I was tired. Glad I did. Got my steps up to 7000. After a hard winter of illness, this is pretty good.

Virgo, I so wish I could keep busy like you. I started out strong and did some projects and then fizzled out. I think 6 weeks with another 4 or more predicted is when I hit the wall. Maybe I'll get back some motivation. Until then, this writing hit home and likely, to many. Keep up the projects, as it is a good stress relief.

THIS is from a post on FB. I have been home for 6 weeks, working part time, and it is slow going. And I have accomplished some things at home, but not anything compared to what I think I "should" have given the time I have. But I am a mental health clinician. I work with folks struggling. And I have a teen at home. We are all dealing with things we never would have considered. Unprecedented. I have had to reframe my work I do with kids on telehealth as it is not clear cut with meeting the goals and objectives we define, mostly for insurance, right? Some sessions are a tour of the backyard and their rooms. It's the best we can do in the circumstances. I thought this was a valuable thing for me to remind myself of, and likely, others. I’ve been seeing so many friends seriously beating themselves up because they aren’t “maximizing” their time in quarantine by organizing their closets, repainting, developing a side hustle, becoming a piano virtuoso, exercising themselves into a lucrative career as a swimsuit model, etc. Everybody! Seriously. Stop. And breathe. If you’re feeling adrift, there’s a reason. I’m about to drop some first semester nursing school on y’all. It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Humans have basic requirements (the bottom of the pyramid) like food, water, air, shelter, sleep, etc. The biological basics. If those are met, then the next rung of the ladder is Safety and Security. If we feel safe and secure, then we can climb up and start on our Love and Belonging needs and on up the ladder we go until finally at the very tippy-top is SELF-ACTUALIZATION which would entail all of the cool aforementioned activities. The catch is, you cannot level up until the needs at the current level are fulfilled. If the needs remain unfulfilled, we remain stuck on our current level until the situation changes. Friends, in the midst of a pandemic, we are dwelling in the basement of Maslow’s pyramid. How in the heck do you think you’re going to kick ass at the highest levels when we can’t even find toilet paper for Pete’s sake. You physiologically and psychologically aren’t built to live your “best life” right now. Your only job is to live “a life” right now. A luxury that is being denied many which increases the pressure to really make every day count. But listen. Every day you are here counts. Every breath you take counts. Are you eating, drinking water, and sleeping at all these days? If so, that is a triumph right now. Cut yourself ALL THE SLACK. Focus on the bottom level. Are you showering? Eating a vegetable once in a while? Getting some sunshine and fresh air? Keeping some semblance of a sleep schedule? Start there. And be extra gentle and abundantly gracious with yourself. We’ll get through this. And right now, getting through is absolutely enough. I love you all. Hang in there. ❤️ XXOO, Rachel

Dragontears, I hear you. I am doing well a lot of the time, but there are times, days, even a few weeks where I still say "WHAT Happened to my life?" I believe whole heartedly I have my son to give me purpose many days. We were married 13 yrs when we had him. And I do wonder about wids without anyone at home. He is my inspiration to keep going. And as I am a Christian, if I am to truly to believe in my faith, I have to show our son life is meant to continue and have joy. I fully understand how hard it can be some days and especially being alone. My son has 2 more years and I wonder what I will do when I am in this too big of house with myself all the time. I get the depression and needing to do lots of things to get better, coping skills. I am a kid therapist. But I also understand the deep emotions of loss and hopelessness I truly never got until my husband died suddenly. AND sometimes you just need to be heard. Keep posting. There are others not posting and reading it and getting it. I get it.

Congratulations 🍾🎈🎉! Oh what a happy announcement! I think if you are fortunate to find another love and you want to marry again, you do it your way! No regrets! It’s fresh and a new life. The traditional wedding seems to be that. A first time marriage. We are all so changed from life experiences and wisdom. We know what really matters now. You do what you choose. Your father is 85. Can’t imagine he would be all wrapped up in traditions, too. Is he really giving you away? That is where that came from, right? You can honor him at the wedding in other ways if want. Listed in the program. A special song. A thank you read. Maybe even more meaningful than an aisle walk. Good luck in what ever you decide. But what a blessing all the way around.

1. Worked four hours. Baby steps 2. Walked (6 out of 7 days) 3. Cleaned bedroom well, including windows and blinds which I hate

Well, I had my birthday with just me and my son. It wasn’t the worst one ever but blah for sure. I tried to focus on the positive. Sunny day, ordered an ice cream pie. It was national beer day, so had a Cheers as it was a full pink moon tonight, too. Easter at home this weekend . Weirdest ever. Having to truly accept my little family of two now. Providing telehealth therapy which is not easy with kids. Discovered work at home is too isolating despite the perks. I like to be with the kids I see and use sensory items. Lucky to work I know. But limited hours comparable- small pay check. Keep swimming. To another year! Cheers!

Tybec here. Was on the former board. Did one Widdabago in STL. 42 yrs. old when my husband of 21 yrs. died in a car accident driving to work on a Friday morning. We had been together since I was 14, 28 yrs. total. It has now been 8 years. Went through his cancer, infertility and my dad's alzheimers disease early 30s. Thought we had our full share of stuff. Was wrong. The board was/is helpful in so many ways. Sharing things I could not with others is so good. Finally dated and was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It did not work. Dealing with dating and new relationships here was helpful, too, as I had no one else to turn to, never dated in adult life. My life was surrounded with coupled people like my former self. That connection is great. My son was 8 when his dad/ LH died. He is now 16, driving, and we are talking about his college choices. It is a whole new world. I miss my husband every day. I will always love him. Our marriage is over, though, as it is not a living and breathing relationship. It took me years to get to that. That is me and my thoughts. I will always be his widow. But I can be someone's girlfriend or wife, too. I do well most of the time, except when it comes to my health. I am terrified of not being able to raise my son to independence. I also get scared still of not having help for myself. My parents are now both dead, too. I am the youngest in the family and my much older siblings have their own challenges. I am 50 now. I am a Christian and can share about my faith. I can hear others' beliefs and not get into some debate. The board opened up a world wide view of folks outside my view. I don't have to agree with others about all that, and I don't have to try to convince you otherwise. We all come from different experiences and backgrounds, so our perceptions of all is skewed to that. Things typed here are small snapshots, so try not to get bent out of shape here with different views, opinions. That is growth, also. Rambling now. Welcome to the board!

Told a friend of the short experiences. She said to watch "Dirty John"? Well, saw interview yesterday of the woman and her daughter. UGGH. What world have I entered? Still on a break.

Bunny, My heart dropped when I read this. I am beyond words. I lift you up and your loved one. I have come to realize being a widow does not give us a "get out of jail free" card for more trials, tragedies, and loss. But DAMN, it sure is unfair. I get the crying while you drive, and add in the shower, too. ♥️ to you.

Made it through another one single. Still Widowed. I had 5 alone after my LH died in Jan. Coupled up for 3 but alone again. It was easier. Still lonely, but easier. And I can remember all the good ones I had, 27 together. I made Sat. plans to take my son to see Blue Man Group. Eat out. It made the weekend more doable, too. It is so up and down with the emotions, still, but not as long or intense. Getting there all the time. I bet making chocolates special for her was quite an exceptional gift, rifatheroffour.

I agree. It is hard. Divorce is a loss, too, but different. I did not have a party and burn pictures and go out with girlfriends when my husband died. I don't bash him or want to name a cockroach after him, like are options for exes.😲 I had a divorced woman bee line to me at a cub scout camp out. It was four months from LH's death. She just knew we could bond because we pretty much had the same thing happen! I have a great widow friend. We worked together 17 yrs. and then her husband died 2 years after mine. She shared she thought she got it (a psychologist) but she was way off until she sadly experienced it herself. Don't have many never married women I know. I will say, 8 yrs. out and my divorced friends are better at helping with the dating aspects of things. They went through that part before me. Still not the same but better. Married friends cannot help at all typically in that arena. They haven't dated for 30 yrs! You expand your network, I believe. I have friends of different ages, now, more and different backgrounds whereas when married with a child, we ran pretty much with the same folks in the same circumstances. Good luck!

Thank you for your input. That’s helpful.

Was not sure where to put this, honestly, but this was the common category, so.... Thanks for your input and support with my first post LH relationship. Although it did not end how I wanted, I read through my posts here and your responses, and I know it is/was the right thing to end it and move forward. It was not easy but honestly, nothing like the level of losing my mate of 28 yrs. You gave me support, some straight up advice or critical observations I needed to read. I am now 4 months out of that relationship and can say it is getting easier. I am letting go and becoming neutral to him, what I have hoped and prayed for. It was not healthy. Crazy how you can lose yourself, but thankfully, I was never truly lost forever. Just had to be reminded of who I am. On the eve eve of my sadiversary, I am thankful for my life with LH and stronger with the trials. Lots of love to my cyber community. PS. I do have IRL friends, and they are right there with you in the observations and support, now.

rifatheroffour, I am right there with you.8 yrs. Monday is my sadiversary. HOW? So long ago. Another world , another life. I, too, have some numbness now. What direction do I go? What do I want to do? My kid has 2 1/2 yrs. I have been so happy to get him grown so he could handle life as an adult, but then he will be an adult on his own. After ending a 3.5 yr. relationship and jumping on line for dating a bit, no interest currently. I don't understand it either. But I do get the feelings your describe. Winter is hard, too.

I let my subscription go and canceled. I had one date, and he was all over me. And then most of the men I talked to went straight to sex talk. And a few I chatted with that seemed like good options were so busy with their lives, I did not understand how they could be on a site. A nice widower but he had 8 kids, 8 kids I say. His mother had moved in to help him care as he internationally traveled for work. Nope, too much. And I had a nice man who I finally pulled from him he was disabled and living with his mother who needed assistance. NO, I was a care taker for 11 yrs. to my mother, the last 5 yrs. by myself. Not ready to take on someone else's mother and him, possibly, too. And then I had the stalker guy that would not take no for an answer. He had lived in the same town I am in prior and contacted me on the site he was here on a Friday and wanted to meet me for lunch to talk. This was after 3 weeks prior I said no thanks, and he kept texting me wanting an explanation, and then I blocked him after still saying no thank you. I spoke to him twice on the phone. Never said anything sexy, just was polite, trying to get to know him. He freaked me out some. A break for a bit. Get my head on straight. Do some things for my health and then I will see.

T2B, Glad to hear that. A person can move out of hospice, so maybe your dad is going to do just that! Hope it has been an easier day.

I am sorry T2B. It’s hard. My SIL lost her mother last week in hospice. A short week. Nothing prepares you for it. You just get through it. Glad NG is trying. Our human nature is to flee or fight. Avoid difficulties. Denial. We have all been there. 😞. Lifting you up.