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Sorry for your loss. Your dad was so young, too. I understand. I am an "orphan" . It is strange to have friends devastated as they say good bye to grandparents, and I have lost both parents and my husband. But, they will experience it, also, some day. If your brother can/will help, let him. It is a lot to undertake. My mother had pared down her home to a duplex, then I moved her to a one room dementia facility. I still had so much to go through in her duplex. I found some men I trusted that literally came and took anything and everything. My brothers and I took what we wanted first, and then all was donated to these men. It was blessing to have them come in and clear it out. I tried to sell some furniture, but it didn't go. In her one room, we brought some furniture and pictures, too. I had one brother here when she died. He helped bring the things to my house and I let staff there take the furniture. I had moved in July prior to her death in Nov. and did not want more stuff as I had cleared out my home of 16 yrs. It is a lot to undertake, and I tell families to make plans. My mother used a document from the funeral home and wrote all out, including policies and numbers. After she cared for my dad and his hospice death, she knew what she did not want to put me through, and then I became widowed with a child. Hope for help but don't expect it. My 3 brothers sometimes were more trouble than helpful. I had to "spoon feed" things as they had not been present for all those years to know how to care. I did not take the martyr role, but truly, they just didn't know what to do. I had a friend hire an attorney to manage the estate for her father. She stated it was worth it not have to deal with it all. It becomes "stuff" and after dealing with early death, it is not meaningful now, so I was able to let go of lots of things. If you feel the need to keep lots, it will likely stress you out more, FYI. Especially with starting over in a new home and new life. Good luck.

Oh so sorry. I am glad you have so much support. 7 yrs later and things I am thankful for now were unrecognizable early out. Like my son was 8, not a baby I had to manage by myself. Strange how your view can change. There are guidelines to grief but nothing is in stone. I did cry a lot. Morning, on my way to work, home from work, after my kid was asleep. Early on. Still in shock of this is my life? 6 months has new awareness of reality so seems harder? Just deeper knowledge of it’s for real? It’s all hard. But you get through somehow. Hang on. This yr. is tough.

Lovely Leadfeather. Congrats on the new home! And I have many sentiments the same. I turn 50 soon, and my LH was 45 yrs old. I have a home, was able to work part time and start over because of him and his choice to purchase life insurance 2 months before his accident. He was just cancer free 10 yrs and now could use the work benefits. And I wrote this past yr on the 7th anniversary of his death that his love was so great for my son and me, that our hearts didn’t shatter but found a way to love, grow and see joy in the world again. And we have. Happy birthday in heaven to Christine! Love CS Lewis.

No great words of wisdom here. Change is so hard, even if it is “good” for us. Thanks for sharing. You have been a spokesperson for sharing so many changes, facets of “chapter 2” new life. Wishing for transitions to be smooth. ❤️🙏🏼

Another one passed by. I used to have such great difficulty. I would write a note about it and get nice responses on FB. I have had some incredible Valentine's days , and then mediocre. I received red roses from NG, which are beautiful, but he had his kids for 2 hours on his off weekend time, and we will do something tomorrow night. It is good not to be such a hard time but it used to be. It can get easier. My LH died in Jan., so this was the first holiday afterwards. So glad to not be in the depths of sadness. Just hold on if you are new to this. 😃

Have a wonderful week! Let there be cake! Chill! Whatever you please!

Yes it is helpful. I found the old website 2 yrs out. It still was a support. And though I can’t go back, I can’t believe how much has changed for me. I went from never wanting to recouple, lost in grief, to resuming that desire to date and the grief not be my center. Anger, upset to hope. But still have those days no one gets. But someone here does.😊. I do post and feel I monopolize threads because I need to share where I don’t believe it will come out in my real life. I have a few friends who I can still talk to about deep stuff but everyone’s life keeps moving on, and I don’t think they can understand 7 yrs later how much my husband’s death still impacts me. So I come here. Stay clear of the new grief. Too hard like CW said. Hope that helps.

I went back too soon. It was 2 weeks. I got bereavement of the day he died and then the funeral as it was Friday and then Monday. My child only took one day off. The school secretary (knew for years) and principal came to the house that morning and asked to take him to school, and he wanted to go. He wanted normalcy, I guess. I went to his school the Wed. after the Monday funeral, and I sat with him in my lap and told the students in his class about his dad dying. They asked questions, told of their own experiences. This was so my son didn't have to deal with more questions. I am thankful for my ability to pull that off. Work... I do trauma work with kids. My first day back, my office scheduled me full throttle!!! And then I had a follow up from a client not seen in a few months. I had seen her once, and it was teen issues. Well, the father heard about my husband's death, and brought her back in to see me as her mom had died 2 months earlier. He thought I could help her, then. I quickly referred to another therapist. I really needed more time, but felt I needed the money, insurance, and didn't want to use all my leave up. I hope I was not harmful to anyone. I can't say I was helpful, though.

Much to think about. Sudnlysngl, I do need to remind myself the positives versus negatives. I do vent here a lot. I love this guy. We are SO good together, but yes, it is not all about just us. There are 3 kids involved, an ex wife, court, etc. I thought I could handle it all well and I guess it is not so. Testified Friday at court. Went well. Ex wife's attorney asked about staying at his house, my house, with the kids, without. YEAH. Asked if we were getting married. The judge is conservative Church of Christ elder. So, if you think the law is straight forward, deal with small town court. Now I wait to see how it goes. He expects more time which is the whole reason he moved here. He had 50/50 prior to the oldest going to school and the judge in his state where the divorce occurred said he had to move if he wanted more time as the judge could not force the mother and children back to his state. Mrs.Dan, the geography was the issue. A 4 hour commute to his children he did have 50/50 with was not possible anymore. The judge advised to move. His gf in that state had her kids with their dad there, and her family. So she could not move with her kids. He chose his children over her. She chose her children over him. They were all under 8 years old, his were 5 and 3. I don't blame him for ending the relationship. I admired he chose his kids needs versus his at this point in his life. I would have also. I get it. Thanks for the input. I can deal with reality. I have been through far worse than this. AND he knows I will not stick around if it is only about his kids. I have sent him too many articles on blending families successfully. I have the support but needed the sounding board which you provided. Eyes wide open. PS. His other witnesses, 5 total, all told him I was a keeper. I don't know what we discussed while waiting to testify that they came to that conclusion, but he told me that. BUT I know that 😉

Have had my married name longer than my maiden name. Same as son’s. Also , professional licensed name. Not sure I’d change if remarried for those reasons.

HOT topic. Hope others are benefiting from this discussion. I don't jump in the pool. I know I need to weigh, think it over, give it a little more time. I think NG realized the holidays were so bad I really was ready to let go. And to fix it, as some men (not all), were to say, "Let's seal it. Get Married." That will make this problem go away. I have my mother's estate to still settle, and it is taking more time than planned. Over a year now. And I want a prenup to protect my child and assets from his ex. And I know this development with the ex girlfriend was a symptom of a larger problem. TRUST. (BIG BREATHE) I know I have fear of abandonment. My LH promised to never leave me, and he did. And the behavior of my NG with putting me on the back burner with his children consistently leaves me feeling abandoned, too. I have shared that with him this last go around. AND I am waiting for the custody hearing. I have a fear he will get more time as desired and then possibly put me on the back burner again. So, I wait to see. I know a ring on the finger does not change that. Thanks as always. Hope others benefit from complicated dialogue.🙄

Arneal, Wished we could a IRL 5-0 celebration! I would be there in a heart beat to cheer you! Birthdays are big when your mate never made it to those big ones, I think! How I celebrate it, anyway! Prayers of discernment about life. It is ever complicated, is it not?

Valid and diverse points. Portside, NG might say I over talk it all, including his wishes. 😉. It’s what I do. NG wants to go ring shopping and stated to me I needed to show commitment by moving forward on this. Waiting until custody hearing is completed. We have made outlines of plans only to change due to things with his children and ex. This even included the home I purchased in his kids’ school district and less than 12 hrs later his ex changing the school district to the school a football field from his current home. Waiting has afforded the opportunity to know each other better. I understand your advice. NG communicated with an ex he dated for 18 months after his wife left. No children. Timing made it a great bond. We have dated 3 yrs in March. 😊 reading about exs, and there are many many reasons to continue contact......& many reasons not to.

Thank you for your input. Much to mull over. Thank you for the courage to share some difficult personal information. I did tell my NG I had trust issues because of the last couple months and then this. He is trying. This was punch in the gut. Wish I had not seen it. He wishes he would have handled it differently. Thank you for this community. 🙏🏼

Yes, I expected this response, sudnlysngl. I talked to my best friend, and she stated all you did. He apparently talked to the ex all the time and at 10 weeks stated he would not. I do not believe he has. Truly, when? She knows about the court hearing as he posted it on FB. The lying is the issue for me. I laid it out. I treat kids that are sexually abused, so I am pretty black and white about secrets. If you can't tell someone something, something is wrong with it and it is a "bad" secret. Good secrets come out. I told him it is inappropriate for a Christian man to have a relationship with a woman outside of his mate that is not known and this person is not the woman's friend, too. He and I are both Christians, and there is no counselor who would state it was okay. The temptation is too great, looks bad, etc. Others may have other ideas on that, and you certainly can, but not me. I talked to my widow friend who happens to be a psychologist, and she was able to sort through things with me with less emotional reactivity. Omission is a lie to me, Bunny. Funny you said that. We had talked about that a week earlier, ironically. My widowed brother remarried in 4 months and it fell apart, and I know part of it was his omission. He didn't out right lie but he didn't tell her everything, either, and she didn't ask. And it lead to a failed marriage. The pet name. YEAH. Hit that one. Told him he would not call me by my pet name if we broke up and he recoupled. So, just because it is not a lovey dovey name, it is still his intimate name for her. If they are just "'pals" like his guy friends, no nick name. He truly was dense on this. 🙄 THIS^^^ Told him this. He has to do this. Lip service and no action is not working for me and let him know it. He has to show me. With his kids, with his time, prioritizing our time, our relationship. Gosh, we had such a great 2 weeks and deep discussions about the future and then this. Thanks for your input.

I never had an ex. I married my guy I dated from age 14. 28 yrs. together. No social media to contend with, of course. We all have pasts. So, my NG had an ex GF he continued with on FB. He told me he never responded to her. She would like his things, and always comment if his post had something to do with his mother. He had asked me more than a couple times about texting her kid a happy birthday or something like that. He told me 10 weeks out he told her he could not communicate with her as an emotional support person as he was dating me. Okay. Court hearing this Friday. I accidentally saw his phone and there was an email from her. He had given me his phone to review an email he was sending out, and when I closed it, his list of emails showed. Didn't go over well with me. I have looked up articles on exs and people still having some kind of communication. It appears to be a norm for many now, due to social media. His ex is in a 2 + year relationship, also. I do not want to be jealous or insecure, but this is not anything I am familiar with. He immediately shared the text. It was a meme about exs as they both have. Also, a statement of support for the hearing coming this week. He said they do not communicate often, and he does not respond on FB. So, he couldn't control the email. He immediately stated he would stop. He didn't tell me she still emailed, and that caused me distress due to trust. I do not believe they are involved. IT has been 4 years, going on 5. It was the lack of telling me that bothered me, and he used his nickname for her in the email responding back. Anyway, a rough weekend of working this out. We have. I realized I have to be up front of what I will and will not accept. My standards are high. Trust is upmost important to me. Integrity, respect. I talked to 2 friends to see if I overreacted and they did not feel I did. But it is a trial. At this stage of the game, everyone has a past. But, I don't have the ex lover situation. She was his rebound relationship and her husband left her, so they have this psychological attachment from similar losses and timing. I can understand that. He contacted her by phone to tell her goodbye and unfriended her on FB. She wanted to contact me to explain, but he advised her not to do so. And I have to build trust with him now, though he feels it is benign as he is not involved with her. And he can't erase his past. He did note I was right, as he did not tell me. He felt I would respond upset and I DID. But I am not so thin skinned or fragile EGO to not manage things, I told him. She is not a threat to me. He would have married her but she stayed put, so IT was not meant to be. He moved out of state and met me. Anyway. LONG story. Support and understanding appreciated.

I had the thoughts you had. Sometimes I would say something and sometimes not. I figured they could give me a reprieve that first year, anyway. I know they could not understand it and so I VENTED here a lot. I appreciated the "I get it" but still was chastised here by some. Go figure. I had a dear friend write me a letter and mail it. I came home for lunch and cried so much, I couldn't go back to work. She basically stated she understood I lost my half, my mate in life and it mattered and it was big deal and she would be there for me anytime, any moment I needed her. She also wrote she didn't understand and HOPED not to for a long, long time. Her genuineness touched my soul. She gave me a book her aunt had when her husband died. Not too applicable but she tried, ya know. Some people are going to be "alienated" because they can't handle it. We are proof it could happen to them, so they don't want to even try to understand. So avoid us. And, like you all, I dropped friendships and gained new ones I likely never would have otherwise. Some folks reached out to me and I do that now. It gets better in time, I promise. A little easier to tolerate, and then I know, deep down, they will have their time some day. I don't wish for them, but we all have some great loss eventually unless you go first.

I went to a grief group. There were about 6 of us, but only two of us with spouses. It ended up us two, as the others did not return. I don't know why, but hearing our stories of yrs. of marriage may have not matched their needs/losses. I was happy to meet with the grief counselor and the other widow. The grief counselor was widowed in her 40s with 3 kids, teen to toddler, so she really understood as well. Good luck finding a good fit. It can be helpful but you have to find the right situation/group.

Oh, the weekend last week went well . Snow and ice so didn't go to cemetery. But did have a new experience. Dinner yacht eagle spotting tour. Drinks and warmth and looking at eagles is pretty cool. Stayed at a lodge. Then this week, went to see Metallica. NG has had tickets for 10 months. Ok, I have seen lots of concerts over the years, but would not have picked this one. It was a good experience, but still not my fav. But he did go to the symphony with me over Christmas to see Handel's Messiah. My fill on both those types of musical experiences for a while 😉. Has his kids this weekend. So, see if anything changes when he is with them. Custody hearing less than 2 weeks. Hanging on. College and school folks. You are on GO! until the next break!

This is why we are here. We are to support each other and make it through. Donswife, I use that phrase all the time. My Track record is 100%. Used it last weekend, the 7th anniversary of my LH's accident and death. Not sure who posted it, but it is from here. 😊 Hang on Powbesh. We can do this!

Please hang on. Numbing may help you survive, but stunt your grief process, too. Seek professional counseling if you need to. It takes time. I remember not remembering those days. A blur. Give yourself time to heal. You will not stay in this state forever. That is why we are here. To know it does change and often gets better, though it may take years. Did me.

November, I have learned on this walk that no journey is the same, so all rules are off, too. I chose not to date for 4 yrs. I couldn't. My financial planner lost his wife 7 months after my husband died. He dated within 4 months, found a gal in 6 months, married her 9 months after his wife died. They just celebrated 6 yrs. of marriage. He has 4 kids. So, there are just different ways of managing things. I also made my kid my priority and realized making him the center of my world did not help him (or me) in the healing process. I didn't change anything, hoping to secure his world but then that was stagnant for me and unrealistic. So, big changes, and he is adapting and learning to be flexible which is healthier. My dear mother also said "Make plans but learn to be flexible." She was so right. Also, as I am looking at remarriage, I am reading up on blending families and ALL says the adults' relationship has to be the priority and then the kids. If you put the kids first and the adult relationship on the back burner, it will not survive. The hierarchy has to be there. And when it is not, it is out of balance, the children have the power, and the new adult relationship is the weakest link and likely falls apart. Within 2-3 years of recoupling. One of the best things us parents can do is show children a loving partnership that is secure, committed and faithful. They have great loss already, and we don't need to add more losses if we can help it. Kids' needs always met, not neglected. But in recoupling with children involved, the bond is there with kids already, so the new adult bond must be strengthened. Anyway, you can look up things yourself about it. Good luck! PS my NG's youngest does not seem to like me. He has a mom and doesn't need a new one. I am a kid therapist. It kills me as I am great with kids, but not this one not so far. See how it goes.

Julester3, I read your post about the gift and thought similar feelings, but then took a step back after KLIM responded. Yup, a 9 yr. old wouldn't get it probably. My NG has kids, 8 1/2 and 11. And because he keeps us so apart due to the custody hearing coming up, I bet they do not think about their dad and me being serious. He takes his time with them so sacred, we have gone weeks without laying eyes on each other. And he spends all attention on them, so they don't go back to their mother, and it is brought in court that he spends all his time with his kids with his girlfriend and her kid. You may not have this concern. We are talking about the unnaturalness of this, and now we are talking engagement, so he needs to prepare them for I am important and vital so that is not a shock. He skypes nightly with them, and they used to ask where he was when he was at my house. I have noticed if he says he is at my house, they are ready to stop skype. He has quit mentioning he is at my house often, though he is. The kids may not want to know he is with me and my son, as they are not, so that reality of being serious is avoided. Kids are naturally egocentric, so it makes sense he would not understand the seriousness of your relationship. Good luck.

Happy to share I slept through the past two nights. The anticipation is just the worst for me. I posted a short statement on FB as I have always posted something in memory for my LH. Since I am with NG, I don't go into great detail, but I feel the need to remember LH as he mattered. And LH mattered to others, too. NG handles it well. NG and I are talking about the next step. I have told him to hold off until the custody hearing in Feb. Something switched in him. I guess the reality of choices and that if we continue as is, it is not satisfactory for either of us and certainly not teaching our minor kids what we want to about relationships/commitments, etc. We really are at the point. Continue or not. And so we are planning. I can do a lot when I feel secure in a relationship. And I have learned a lot about marriage and what a next one can look like. Leave the bad and go with the good stuff. Hope the 3 day weekend is well for you. 😄

Sugarbell, OH, I feel for you! What a situation! Not abnormal, but still! Our world is different, and I struggle with it. Young adults move in at a drop of a hat now a days. I have a niece that met on line a young man, moved in within a couple months, and it fell apart within 6 months. 22 yrs. old. And the pain of the loss is great, so I don't believe all that stuff that is not a big deal. We are meant to have relationships, not use each other for temporary feel good. MY two cents, but I just see it everywhere. Anyway. I really get your mixed feelings. My teen is 15 and no GF or interest in dating. There is so much pressure to date. It starts in Middle school with dances. I see all these girls wearing dresses made for 17 yrs. old but they are 12 or 13 and the boys decked out. And I ask myself "what are you parents thinking?" But I know my son could meet a girl any minute and all that change and I am dealing with what you are. I am not naive. I am sorry. The door is open and can't be shut. Oh, parenting.......