adp

Good for you Lauren, for doing everything you can to do the best for your daughter. And good for you for giving Mike some home truths. I'm just sorry you're having to deal with any of this, with or without the judgement.

Mike, you seem to be implying that Lauren isn't already applying "hard work, self-reliance, and persistence." I very much doubt that is the case, my bet is that she is. It seems to me like she's doing everything you can to make a difficult situation work. You make her sound wilful and feckless in her choices; lets remember, she was widowed. She moved to be nearer to family. You have no idea where that actually is, what the cost of housing is there, what the cost of childcare is there. You make it sound like there's shame in a loving family helping each other out. Your suggestion that because they had no input they can't be asked monetises family relationships. Your "patchwork of decent care" sounds very much like you were relying on others at times. We've all had to. I didn't have to ask for financial support from my in-laws because my children were a little older, my hours were pretty flexible, and, most of all, I was very well paid - doesn't make me a better person.

To be honest, much of this post makes no sense at all. But your belief that most women are broken and need to be redeemed (by you) is very clear and deeply, deeply problematic, for you and for those around you, women especially.

An interesting interview with Michelle Dockery, star of Downtown Abbey which touches quite a lot on the loss of her fiancé: https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/nov/11/michelle-dockery-widow-downton-abbey-actor-harvey-weinstein

We live in eastern Pennsylvania - in the Lehigh Valley - where are you? While we have nothing currently planned, there is a group of us who get together with some regularity. Please feel free to pm me if you like.

Hey Bear, 11 years for me at the end of last month. Its not the same as it once was but still the thoughts and memories come. Can I call you a big lug too?

Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy - Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you. To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it. T2B is correct, there are lots of other men that will be happy to offer you the 'trouble' you seek without adding in those pesky items of dignity or respect. But just remember the rules - when it blows up, and it will, no whining allowed. Good luck - Mike Where does the OP say that that was how she was asking to be treated? Where does she ever in this post set out the parameters around any encounter that might have occurred? Where does she say his respect wouldn't have been required? Why is it always the woman who has to earn the man's respect? Perhaps he should also have to demonstrate that he deserves her respect?

Perhaps we can set up a separate sub-forum here where us patriarchal dudes (don't worry, I'm sure you're not one of them) can submit our posts to see if they will give offense. That would be one way of owning it.

Boy Serpico, that "study" was a very flimsy fig leaf, much too small to cover Portside's outsize patriarchy.* Of course his comments came from a place of judgement; we've seen him do it before, warning someone contemplating a similar action that all the potential partner's male friends would be running around talking about her. That's shaming right there (of course, the male of the species never loses self-respect but only gains bragging rights). This isn't about women's behaviour; the problem is men's behaviour, men telling women how they should behave and how they should feel about it. (* The article you linked to in no way provided meaningful support for the point you were trying to make).

For nearly three years now, I've been wishing there was some sort of "halfway house" where wids and other bereaved folks could just be with each other in a safe space until they got their shit together. You've provided the missing piece of the puzzle - your place would be perfect! How soon can all 1,400 of us move in? PS: You might want to run this by TS first. Maybe I should just go ahead and do this while she's out of the country?

Michael took Radio Hell on the road yesterday. Thanks for coming over, it was good to see you.

This is a tough but very beautiful and honest read on being widowed and becoming a parent in the space of one week. I so admire his honesty in admitting that "But in the first year she [his daughter] was still a stranger in my life, and I experienced her as a punishment. She had sentenced me to a continuation of my life. I am ashamed to admit it." https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/20/her-needs-first-becoming-father-widower-in-week

Michael, I didn't want to be there yesterday, none of us did, you most of all, but I was glad I could be and to be able to give you a hug. I'm sorry I never had the chance to get to know your son; but it was good to see the many beautiful pictures of him and to hear you loving, sweet, eulogy. It was clear he was a very fine young man. Much love and more hugs.

Here we go (hopefully) ...

Male here, and pretty heavily bearded. Unfortunately, there's probably not much to be done to help it along - a man's beard will grow as it will and no other way. And whilst I can grow a fairly decent beard now I certainly couldn't at 18. Trying to persuade him to shave it off almost certainly won't work though.

I just have to say a huge thanks to Lynn for throwing such a wonderful picnic yesterday - lovely to see old friends and to make some new ones!

I have a story of when it didn't work, and one of when it did. I first started dating at about 18 months (I am just over ten years out now) my children were just coming up on 14 (boy) and 10 (girl). I told them after a couple of dates because i wanted to carry on seeing her and anything else felt dishonest. That seemed very important, and I still believe it was absolutely the right thing to do, even though it proved pretty disastrous. My son had an immediate, powerful, almost visceral negative reaction. He was very angry with me, deeply upset and hurt. To him it felt like a betrayal. I tried to explain that it wasn't but he couldn't hear it. I did carry on seeing her. We lived about 2 hours drive apart so it worked in the sense that I would simply go away to see he. But it didn't work because my son's feelings did not change (in fact they probably hardened) and the times coming up to me going to see her got more and more difficult, not less. I ended the relationship. It was getting too painful to carry and was clearly never going to be given the chance to grow. No doubt some may tell me that as the adult I should have asserted myself, given a bit of tough love, and not let him run my life. But it was hurting him very badly and worse, it was hurting our relationship (his and mine). I know this doesn't sound very encouraging but from it I take a few things. I still don't regret my honesty. It would have been far harder and more damaging to have hidden things for longer. Honesty has to come in at some point and its best right from the start. Second I do think we have to listen to our children's feelings. My son wasn't being a selfish teenage brat. He was hurting very badly and couldn't help his feelings. In the end my relationship with him was more important than the one with my girlfriend. It may be that your children, though finding this difficult, have less extreme reactions - still, you might have to take this slow and give them time to adjust. In the end, all my son needed was time. I am now in a wonderful relationship (as some of you may be aware with someone here) and we all got along famously and completely naturally. My son is nothing but genuinely happy for me in my relationship.

No! We love our students. Its just that the last couple of weeks of term tend to become a battle with exhaustion ... and then the grading arrives. But TooSoon would be right if she said I had a cheek to be complaining; I'm in the lucky position of teaching very, very little.

Hello Kate, you're not the only. TooSoon and I both teach at universities and there are probably others too. I know TooSoon is very much looking forward to her term being done this week (I'm in the UK and we work on a different timetable).

Virginia Woolf's novel Orlando has some beautiful, enchanting scenes set on the the frozen Thames - in fact I found the whole book enchanting. So, I went book shopping on Saturday and got Richard Ford's The Sportswriter, the first of his Frank Bascombe books. Its drawn me straight in; the quiet telling of a pretty ordinary life - exactly the sort of thing I like.

As TooSoon says, I'm deeply enthralled by Knausgaard. The fifth book just came out in English but I haven't bought yet as it is only in hardback - but I'm starting to think I might just out and buy it this afternoon anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do when I've read all six! But I've heard great things about Ferrante too, so maybe I should get that.

adp here, writing from the self same couch in Liverpool. I can only concur that Veuve Cliquot is a great way to bring widows together. Cheers!

adp here, just checking in from the airport.

Yes! It is I, adp! Can't say how excited I am for next Saturday. Excited, and somewhat (very) touched and honoured.