MrsT85

Just wanted to share this article I read today - seems insomnia, memory loss/troubles and digestion issues (the first two of which hit me really hard at first and continue to bother me to lesser degrees almost 3 years later) are not only totally normal but have good scientific explanations behind them as well. They use the term "complicated grief" to describe a persistent type of bereavement that lasts more than 12 months - and although I have no ambiguities about the fact or circumstance of Tim's death I feel like most of these apply to me as well. Statements like "For an estimated 7 to 10 percent of people who lose someone, the grief doesn?t ease over time. If it continues to affect their day-to-day functioning for at least 12 months..." and "Normal stresses seem to linger longer, and in the case of complicated grief, that may be because the body?s slower stress responder is taking the lead when everyday issues arise..." really ring true for me, and probably do for a lot of you too http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/body-processes-grief_us_56e878ade4b0b25c9183b066

It will be three years for me on the 6th. I'm starting to understand what the old-timers on YWBB would mean when they would talk about their "graduating class" of wids. You all are mine. Thank you all for walking this journey with me and being there to share, support and listen. Hugs and empathy to everyone. It's been a surreal and taxing journey and I've often marveled at how I've made it this far but I have. We all have.

My fiance didn't have a problem with it at all - I actually asked several times, most recently and specifically about whether or not it would bother him if I had it done before the wedding. I had been talking about getting this tattoo the whole time we've been together so it certainly wasn't a surprise and he's had years at this point to mention any reservations he might be harboring. He's an extraordinarily un-jealous soul, something I'm incredibly grateful for and something I make sure I tell him I appreciate regularly. He and I met just a few months after Tim died, so he's been on this roller coaster ride with me almost the whole way. He and I butt heads more than Tim and I did, but the fact that he's patient and understanding and allows me my space to grieve and honor Tim without being jealous or threatened is what convinced me that he's the right guy for me in this next chapter of my life. I was just thinking last night actually - I will have to ask him what kind of tattoo he'd like me to get in his honor if anything were to ever happen to him.

Thanks so much! Yep Grace, it was one sitting. It actually only took about two hours, which wasn't nearly as long as I thought for a piece with that many colors and that level of detail. At first I was rather angry and ashamed of myself that it took me almost three years to get this done, but now I'm kinda glad I did. While I've had the general idea of an eye with a star inside it since a few days after he died, the idea to use the star from the Chicago flag and having it inset into a night sky was something I only thought of a month or two ago. And seeing as (1) Tim always talked about getting a Chicago tattoo at some point and never did, but now he's part of one (2) it came out more beautifully than I hoped it would - I'm really glad I waited.

Finally got it done last night.

KJS, I don't think I could have said it better myself. I was always an anxious person - losing Tim in a car accident at age 27 amped up all of those "irrational" fears up through the roof because suddenly they weren't irrational anymore. They were things that had happened to me. And now there's no moving on from it because - there's just moving forward and rebuilding. Recently my new guy and I were watching a documentary about artist H R Giger (one of my favorites - I like the dark, weird shit I guess) and there was a scene where he was talking about the actress Li Tobler, who he was in a relationship with from 1966 to 1975 - the year she died from suicide. This was filmed in 2013/2014 - at which point he had been married, divorced and then married again since 2006. He still had tears in his eyes when discussing his Li almost 40 years later - even though he was happily married and as successful as someone in his field could possibly be. I thought - it really never stops hurting, does it? We'll always love them and miss them, and sometimes lose it a little when thinking about them. It doesn't make us broken.

From the HuffPost common grief article "I'm Not a 'Good' Widow (and That's Okay)" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nora-mcinerny-purmort/you-do-not-have-to-be-good_b_9283332.html You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. -- Mary Oliver, Wild Geese ETA - just finished reading through the whole article. I think this may be my favorite line - can I have it on a t shirt please? Hard things are hard, and while they can someday teach you a lesson or make you a stronger person, they are entirely capable of just beating the everloving shit out of you and leaving you emotionally dead and physically exhausted. I also dig this one: Your job, when bad shit happens, is to get through it however you can. It is not your job to make your life more palatable for other people. and this one: It's okay if sometimes you hate your friends for having things you don't have anymore, and then you hate yourself for hating perfectly nice people who love you, just because their husbands are alive! That's okay!

This may be a silly suggestion, because it's such an obvious thing I feel like you must have already considered and dismissed it, but here goes: Have you considered keeping both last names and hyphenating? I'm getting remarried at the end of June, at that's what I'm doing because it's really the only option that feels something resembling "right" to me. Here's why. When I married Tim, I was so willingly and so ecstatically leaving my old identity of Miss F behind that there was never a thought in my mind that I would do anything except take his name. I became Mrs T so proudly and so happily. So when I lost him so suddenly I decided that if I remarried I would probably take my new husband's last name but I'd also keep Tim's and hyphenate. Losing him was something I never wanted to happen. It was something done to me rather than something I chose. So I wasn't going to treat his last name like my maiden name - I wasn't going ever leave it behind. That's something I've stuck by, so in few months I'll become Mrs T-F. It feels right. I'm still Tim's wife. But I'll also be Mike's wife. My identity is complex and sometimes difficult to understand because of whatI've been through. So my name will match. Just an idea. Wishing you nothing but happiness

((Hugs)) MM. I totally get it too. I've "moved forward" in pretty much all the same ways as you have. In a little less than three years, I've managed (with lots of help from wonderful friends and family) to carve out another good life for myself. New apartment, new fiance, a promotion at work, even a new little family if you count the two amazing cats that my new guy and I adopted last June. But when you said I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life you totally hit the nail on the head. It doesn't happen as frequently as it used to, but I sometimes feel like I get stuck in that "fight-or-flight" mode (with I image corresponding high levels of cortisol) because of worry or uncertainly or from being just plain angry that the life Tim and I shared and the future we had planned together was ripped away from me. I miss my husband and I want my life back too

Yes. Also when I recall certain memories and certainly when I listen to music. It's mostly just the silent, tears welling up kind of crying, but there have been a few times in the past few weeks that have brought me back to the gasping sobs, however briefly.

I'm so sorry to hear about how both your students and your administrator acted! DH wanted to be a teacher and spent most of our relationship chipping away at a teaching degree. When he died he was student teaching a high school class in a very rough area of the city and the stories he would come home with would fill me with equal parts pity and rage. People like you and my Tim were and are saints. It's such a tough job and the people who devote their lives to helping raise and educate the coming generations deserve nothing but the highest praise and respect. Again, I'm just so sorry

ALD - Hamilton is my current obsession and has been for a few months now. I'm a huge music lover but not generally a fan of musical theater so listening to a Broadway cast recording of something over and over again is fairly out of character for me but holy hell do I adore it. "Wait for It" is one of the handful of songs that I return to most exactly for the lines you copied. And sometimes, on the rare occasions when feeling a little more emotionally solid, also for the defiantly belted out: I am the one thing in life I can control I am inimitable I am an original I?m not falling behind or running late I?m not standing still I am lying in wait And despite listening to the album over and over again, "Stay Alive (Reprise)" "It's Quiet Uptown" and "The World Was Wide Enough" still make me cry every time. ***** Warning: personal anecdote ahead: I think I'm maybe a little hypersensitive about because Tim and I had been super excited about this project since we first heard about it back in early 2012. I'm a big fan of MSNBC host Chris Hayes, and when he still had his weekend morning show he had Lin Manuel Miranda (an old high school friend of his) on one Sunday morning to talk about his new project. Back then wasn't planned to be a musical but was instead supposed to be a concept album called The Hamilton Mixtape. The link below has an early a cappella version of "My Shot" on it from that very same episode: http://www.broadway.com/buzz/159260/watch-lin-manuel-miranda-perform-a-hip-hop-verse-from-the-hamilton-mixtape-on-up/ Anyway, my husband would work Sunday mornings so I saw that performance before he got home and was just floored. Tim was an even more avid music fan than I am, and was also going to school to get his teaching degree. He wanted to be a high school history teacher. I was so excited to be able to share this amazing history/musical mashup and just as I suspected he loved it too. At the time, the only music from Hamilton you could find was the video I linked to above and this video of Miranda singing the opening number at the White House for President and Mrs. Obama in 2009: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8_ARd4oKiI. We shared that video with everyone we knew, and when he started student teaching at a public high school in an economically depressed area of Chicago (just a few months before he died) he even used it as a teaching aid - printing out the lyrics and sharing them and the song with his class. Recently, when going through old school things of his I even found a short paper he wrote about how the song (and songs like it) could be used in the classroom and the types of analyzing and other forms of critical thought exercises could be used in conjunction with it. So now that the musical is done and out and an amazing success, it's bittersweet... Tim was right. It's being used in classrooms around the country and pretty much everyone who encounters in loves it. But it hurts a little, how good it ended up being. I Tim would have loved it. And used it in his classroom to amazing effect. It's just one more "might have been" twists of the knife

https://youtu.be/c7_Te7iDojA. I watched this one the Friday of the week David Bowie died and ended up sobbing so hard I had trouble breathing. I had to pause it midway through and run into another room because of how badly I was hyperventilating. DH and I both loved Bowie and NIN - they were two of our very favorites. So of course, I was thinking about Tim the whole time I in addition to Bowie. Tim actually got to see that tour and would often (lovingly) torture me with the fact, since I was only 10 years old at the time while he was 18. And it didn't help the matter that his urn is on a bookshelf next to the TV, so I could keep looking back and forth between two dead men who I loved very dearly (albeit in totally different ways obviously).

Let me agree with Mizpah above - since becoming widowed my feelings and the way I outwardly express them (especially regarding love and loss but even with things that I find sweet and touching) have become absolutely super charged. I often say that losing my husband was so traumatic that it just totally wore away whatever emotional callous I once had.

He would have been 39 today. This is the 3rd I've had to face without him. I wish more than anything that he was still here. Everything facet of my life is duller and sadder without him. Happy birthday Tim. I love you and miss you so so much. ps - Say hi to David Bowie for me :'(

Crying again. Just saw this from his widow social media: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/iman-david-bowie-death-quote_5693d1ebe4b0a2b6fb70dc7f I'm not a believer, so it's that second post of hers that really got me: Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory :'(

Thanks so much for posting that serpico. Tim and I used to sing that at karaoke all the time and I'd always joke that you could tell how much I loved him because I would let him sing the David Bowie parts. It's a breathtaking recording and one that shows just how much raw talent those two had. Just amazing talents. And TS - I couldn't agree more. I knew he was an old man, but he always seemed so eternal...like a sprite or fairy some other mythical creature. Or an alien - something not of this world. It was a testament to how well he wore the personas he invented and cultivated that he could trick us all into thinking that he wasn't a mere moral like the rest of us...not consciously, but in the back of your mind. It doesn't seem right that someone as colorful and unique and full of life like him could be taken down by same things that claim the rest of us... Sorry I'm all over this thread...this has me really messed up today, Bowie so so dear to both Tim and I and was a big part of the life we shared....

I totally respect the family's wishes to keep the type of cancer private. Hell - I respect that they didn't even announce he was sick. It kept the focus on his work (where it should be - he had just released another fantastic album on Friday - his 69th birthday) until the very very end. The only reason I mentioned that I didn't even know he was sick was because of what a shock it then was to hear of his death. I was listening to the new album again today on my way to work and the tears just started streaming down my cheeks when I listened - really listened, knowing that he's gone and that he must have known the end was near - to the first single "Lazarus" He seemed to know. He seemed to accept it. And he turned it into one hell of a song and video - comforting to know he was owning his art and his story in death as well as life. I wouldn't expect anything less. [Verse 1] Look up here, I'm in heaven I've got scars that can't be seen I've got drama, can't be stolen Everybody knows me now [Verse 2] Look up here, man, I'm in danger I've got nothing left to lose I'm so high, it makes my brain whirl Dropped my cell phone down below Ain't that just like me? [bridge] By the time I got to New York I was living like a king Then I used up all my money I was looking for your ass [Verse 3] This way or no way You know I'll be free Just like that bluebird Now, ain't that just like me? [Outro] Oh, I'll be free Just like that bluebird Oh, I'll be free Ain't that just like me?

He had been battling cancer for 18 months. I didn't even know he was sick. I was just listening to "Blackstar" for the first time while making dinner Friday and was so pleased by how good it was. How exciting it was to think of what his next album would sound like. He had just turned 69...not "young" I know, especially not for this crowd....but it still hurts like a motherfucker. God, Tim and I both loved him so much. The number of times we'd sing "Changes" or "Ziggy Stardust" or "Man Who Sold the World" together at karaoke. How jealous he would make me when he told the stories of the Bowie concerts he attended. How much he enjoyed "The Next Day," the album that came out just a few weeks before his car accident in 2013. God damn it. Tim would have been 39 tomorrow. Baby, in the almost three years you've been gone, you've had two of your musical heroes join you now. If there is any justice in the universe you, Bowie and Lou Reed will be together to celebrate. It's the only silly thought that's keeping my head together in one piece right now.

The only parts of my life that have brought me any joy lately have been my cats.

((HUGS)) Marian. The way you talk about your Peter makes it obvious how much you still love and miss him. I know (as I'm typing this with tears in my eyes) that having someone new doesn't take the sting out of just how badly the longing for them back can feel. TS - I hope that in this put in the athiest afterlife there's a space for my Tim and hislLong islands at the bar. Aw, who am I kidding - he'd be to busy behind his sound rig running the Eternal Karaoke night and charming the whole room with that amazing quick wit and undeniable half-smile.

This article caught my eye this morning and I wanted to share. I know many of us have had (or are currently having) a hard time handling our grief in the workplace - I'm certainly no exception as I still (almost three years later) cry pretty much every morning when I listen to music on my way to work: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/how-to-deal-with-your-grief-in-the-workplace_b_8840656.html It's not a perfect analog - the writer lost a child instead of a spouse - but I thought most if not all of the advice would still apply to us.

THIS makes me so happy to read. You deserve it so thoroughly ;D

Stephanie, Welcome, though I'm so sorry you had reason to join us here. I also lost my husband in an early morning car accident - it will be three years ago in April. I was 27 at the time and he was (and will now always be) 36. I couldn't eat or sleep for days either - don't worry about "sounding gross" or anything like that with us here, we've all been in the same boat and many many of us also went through a "too shocked to function" period where it was all we could do to open our eyes and face the day each morning. "Normal" stuff like cleaning the house and getting back to work should be the last things you worry about right now - please just worry about taking care of yourself and your little ones. And your emotions will likely be a jumble for a long time - I know mine were and I felt like I was scared, angry, sad and hopeless all at once while also feeling like I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight. It seems to be an (unfortunately) pretty normal reaction to an extraordinarily awful event like losing your love so suddenly. I'm not a believer so I have very little to offer regarding what your pastor said, but there are so many wonderful people of faith that are part of this community that I'm sure you will get many wise words concerning that soon. Please keep coming back and sharing with this wonderful community - it helped me more than I can tell you when I found this site's predecessor just a few days after my own love died and find it so valuable that I still visit daily. I wish you nothing but ((hugs)) and strength as you start your journey down this horrible widow road. Please just know you have hundreds of great people walking along beside you and that you're not alone.

((HUGS)) back to you, Jen. I haven't been around much lately either, largely for the same reasons... I know I have so much in my life that I should be happy and enthusiastic about but these past few months I just haven't been able to work up the energy to feel positive or excited about anything. I'll echo what has already been said. I get it and I'm so glad you all get it too....