MrsT85

((HUGE HUGS)) widowat33. We also suspect my husband died when he fell asleep behind the wheel, and I remember when I was just a month or two out having a dream where he was driving somewhere, and before he left, I took his face in my hands and told him to " please be very very careful." While at that point it was in some part just nice to see his face again, the pleading with him to please avoid the very behavior that led to his death was just devastating. No advice, I'm afraid...I'm at two years out now, and unfortunately I don't dream of him much anymore. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in having this type of dream.

I need to ask you all that are more "veteran" at this Chapter 2 relationship thing - how do you help keep the fear of the future and all the uncertainty that it holds at bay? After having a "worst case scenerio" already rob you of your whole life once, how are you not convinced that the other shoe will drop and rob you AGAIN of all you've managed rebuild and the person you've managed to rebuild it with? 30 second summary of why I ask - Tim died in a car accident. Out of the blue and in a single moment - my whole life was torn to pieces and I was never given a chance to prepare. Fiance tells me last night that on his day off tomorrow he's going to start calling around and trying to make a doctor appointment to get a spot/sore on his tounge checked that's been stubbornly sticking around for a couple months out, because after consulting with WebMD (which, admittedly, tells everyone they have cancer) he's worried it might be a (according again, to the internet) a very treatable form of cancer. But since he doesn't know, he's doing the right thing and trying to schedule a doctor appointment to get it checked out. I haven't been able to stop worrying for even one moment. I cried all night last night, before I even know if I have a legitimate reason to be worried. I just can't stop thinking "I'm 29 years old and I'm going to be planning another husband's funeral in just a few short years." How do you all deal with uncertainties like this? I logically know that there's nothing I can do about it, that chances are things will be fine, and I should just proceed and live and love and try not to worry. But how can you try "not to worry" about an absolute worst case scenerio when you've already been hit with it once? I just want to be the one who gets to die first next time. I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but it's true.

((HUGS)) AW. I'm so sorry. It's amazing and terrible how the anniversaries can hit us so hard. I hope today is at least a little easier.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Any of those reasons would alone be enough...but the anniversaries, especially the ones only the two of you would remember and celebrate... It's so hard. Just ((hugs)) and support.

Oh my, how horrifying! I hope she and everyone else is safe!

MrsDan, I hope everything works out so that your friends are able to rent the house. I don't think you did anything underhanded or manipulative either - you and your friends are simply laying all the facts out on the table. Like you said - you're not doing it for a handbag or something else insignificant - this is a huge step that will make your life and the life of those you love the most better. I'd say that if you're not hurting someone (and in this situation, it sounds like the worst that might happen to anyone involved is that a landlord might have an empty apartment for an extra couple weeks) I'd say use every arrow in your quiver for the sake of yourself and your daughter (and your dear friends as well). Best of luck with this, and with all these next steps. I remain so very impressed with your amazing strength and all that you've done.

Yes, exactly this! I've already lost someone who I thought was a dear friend because my desire to do pretty much nothing but talk about Tim and cry for the first year or so wore him out and drove him away. I've not had any of my other few, close friends abandon me the same way, but I can definitely sense their fatigue quickly set in when I talk about Tim and my grief. There's a moment of quiet nervousness and then they quickly change the subject. I guess for the most part, everyone else has moved on. But for me, no matter what else I do with my life, there's no "getting over" this loss. Being in a new relationship hasn't "fixed" me. I don't live in my grief full-time anymore, but I still have many intense moments of anger and sadness. Not only do you all "get it", but like Carey said above, you make me feel sane and validated. Which I'm so so very grateful for.

How about: FML = F**k My Life? I'm kidding....mostly

If she works with the sleep deprived all day, I'm sure she's more than used to grumpiness. And going without sleep for two days (IN ADDITION to being a young widow who's ALSO battling cancer) seems like damn good reasons to be grumpy to me. I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about I hope you're able to get some badly needed rest soon, Kamcho!

I'm so sorry seeing that was such a trigger. He must have been so wonderful and have touched so many lives to be remembered and loved so much by his old friends and colleagues. Sometimes it's hard to see how much others miss them, because it just reminds us once again how amazing they were, how terrible losing them really was, and how big of a hole they've left in our lives. Just ((hugs)), MrsDan.

I hate moving, and all the emotional shit it stirs up. That on top of the "normal" moving stress (I hate that it's my third in two years), I've finally started going through the bins of Tim's things to decide what to donate, what to throw away, and what to keep. I hate that I decided to give away our old sheet sets (which were wedding gifts) because it somehow doesn't seem proper to use the same bedding now, and because New Guy already is frustrated with how much stuff I have. I hate that he has already complained that it feels more like mine and Tim's apartment than mine and his. It's all exhausting and NG doesn't understand why I've been so distant and depressed and overwhelmed. I hate that this is all ON TOP of the two year anniversary of the accident just two days ago. I hate that I don't react like a "most people" anymore. NG told me quite angrily last night that "most people" would throw themselves into their relationship for comfort. "Most people" probably aren't constantly waiting for their life to fall to pieces AGAIN, just like it did two years ago. I hate that I'm still so badly damaged.

It sounds like you've found yourself a real sweetheart I'm glad you're being so well taken care of. Isn't that a wonderful part of being part of a team - being there to take care of someone, and being taken care of in return. I tell my New Guy that I know I'm wired to be one half of a whole because while I'm good at taking care of someone else, I have no idea how to take care of myself.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's so wonderful to come here, write a semi-disjointed post about something I can speak to honestly with so few people, and feel so understood by those who responded. Indeed, and well put. Time only moves in one direction - forward - and we don't really have a choice but to go with it. I think for me, becoming widowed put an end to "simple" emotions. Everything now - especially the good things - is colored by my loss and the still-intense desire for my Tim back. My happiest moments now are always at least a little bittersweet, with the ratio of bitter to sweet varying wildly. No. No it doesn't. I'm settling into my 3rd home in 2 years, and I'm constantly wondering when things will start to feel "normal" again. I miss having a sense of stability and permanence when it comes to the things in my life and I'm sure after my experiences I'll (very justifiably) never really get that back. No worries at all, my friend! I know you've had a lot of changes going on in your life as well, and I'm just honored that you take the time to think of me with all you have going on. And I'm proud of you, too! Congrats again on the new job - I continue to be in awe of the tremendous strength and determination you've shown while following your own path and staying true to yourself. Again, thank you all.

It's been two years. I didn't think I could, but I'm rebuilding. I thought my life was over, but I've found another great guy who wants to build a future with me. He's asleep in our new bedroom, in the new apartment we put a lease on last month. The place is still a mess of boxes. Honestly, things are better than I thought was reasonable to expect two years out. I still love Tim just as much as I did the morning I unknowingly told him goodbye for the last time. I still miss him. Every day. I still regularly look around at everything my life has turned into and, with tears in my eyes, think "This isn't how it's supposed to be. You're supposed to be here." Tim, I just love you and miss you. Now as much as ever.

swilson, those egg muffins sounds so yummy! Like tiny little quiches, almost. I wonder if one I could maybe pull apart some uncooked canned "flaky layer" biscuits and put a few layers in the bottom of each section before you placed the ingredients in the muffin pan and make little crusts for them. Or maybe cut out tiny crusts from a can of croissant dough and do the same. What can I say, I'm a sucker for carbs... The idea of tiny quiches made me think of these - "Impossibly Easy Mini-Pies." They're small versions of the Bisquick impossibly easy pies (I'd make the cheeseburger pie for Tim and I sometimes) that you make in muffin pans instead of a pie pan, the site says they're good for freezing: http://www.bettycrocker.com/menus-holidays-parties/mhplibrary/everyday-meals/impossibly-easy-mini-pies Thank you all for contributing to this thread! It's so nice to see our little section of the boards get some action

I don't know what his headstone looks like, but would you be able to make a rubbing of it that you could frame or otherwise display somewhere in your new house? Or maybe you could do the same with a nice photograph of the site? That way, even though you wouldn't be able to visit the cemetery, you could still have a special place in your home that you could use to "visit" him and both keep your promise and hopefully continue to give yourself comfort. My DH is cremated, and I know it gives me great comfort to have his urn flanked with a few of his most favorite things as a little makeshift "shrine" on top of one of my bookshelves. If you did the same with a picture or rubbing of his stone (maybe with a handful of dirt from his gravesite even?), you could have your own little makeshift personal "gravesite" that you could just drop by and visit at any time at all.

Back at the old place, I remember we used to have a "cooking for one" thread in the "wids without kids" section. I see our friends over in the "with kids" section started a busy parent cooking thread, so I thought I'd revive our old cooking thread as well. All wids gotta eat, after all! And as much as I tried in those early months, I can safely say one cannot subsist on wine and potato chips alone My favorite meal for one is a quick breakfast for dinner. Omelets are fantastic for this - throw in whatever meat, cheese and/or veggies you may have sitting in the fridge, make a couple pieces of toast (or if you're feeling fancy, maybe a waffle!) and it's actually a relatively balanced meal. Especially if you use an egg substitute (I love the little cartons with the screw-on tops) and load up on the vegetables. What are some of your favorite things to cook for yourselves?

*stands and applauds* I couldn't have said it better myself, merrylea. I feel pretty much the same way. My husband died in a stupid, senseless car accident. He was student teaching at an underprivileged public school here in Chicago and poured so much of his heart and soul into it that he literally ended up killing himself when (we think) he dozed off for a second behind the wheel. He just wanted to be a good husband and father and son and history teacher and help make these coming generations better. If it was "god's plan" for him to die just three weeks before finally realizing this dream...well, then I'm sure as hell glad I'm an atheist.

Congrats on getting the job! I know you're wickedly intelligent, so I'm not at all surprised Good luck all the next steps. I just moved from one apartment in the city to another and it was a beast, I can only imagine what an undertaking it will be to move to a different state with a little one and two doggies in tow. But I bet getting to spend more time with your daughter will make it so very worth it, and that she will (and you, hopefully!) will benefit greatly by being around your BIL and his family. I'm so proud of you! You're one impressive lady, MrsDan!

My Tim loved music more than anything. So one of the ways I think I can honor his memory in a way he'd appreciate is to keep talking about the bands he adored and try to carry the torch of musical evangelist as best I can. And I'm sure I'm not alone - I'm sure all of your spouses had a favorite band/singer/book/author/movie/etc that they loved sharing with others. So tell us....what was your husband or wife's favorite? Favorite author, favorite band, favorite movie? What was that one thing that - when meeting someone for the first time and talking about any type of art - they just couldn't wait to recommend? My husband's favorite band of all time - without question - was The Flaming Lips. He especially loved their weird and noisy 90s output. I couldn't tell you his favorite song or album of theirs - I don't think he could have either - so here's a song from their 1992 album Hit to Death in the Future Head that I know he was quite fond of. I'm sure he'd appreciate me telling you - the louder you listen, the better

Baylee, wonderful song and beautiful sentiment. Thank you for posting it. My Tim loved The Beatles, and John was always his favorite. I felt the exact way about Tim as you did about your Brooks. I knew how lucky we had been to have found each other and literally never once had a second thought about wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. The song you posted reminds me of "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes - one of the songs Tim and I claimed as "ours." I actually just listened to it for the first time since he died, and it still immediately brought tears to my eyes. The album it's on came out shortly after we started dating, and got a lot of play during our time together. It remains one of my favorites to this day, despite the fact that I'm still afraid to listen to most of it. This is the first day of my life Swear I was born right in the doorway I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed They're spreading blankets on the beach Yours was the first face that I saw I think I was blind before I met you I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been But I know where I want to go So I thought I'd let you know That these things take forever, I especially am slow But I realized how I need you And I wondered if I could come home I remember the time you drove all night Just to meet me in the morning And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed You felt as if you just woke up And you said "This is the first day of my life Glad I didn't die before I met you Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you And I'd probably be happy" So if you want to be with me With these things there's no telling We'll just have to wait and see But I'd rather be working for a paycheck Than waiting to win the lottery Besides, maybe this time is different I mean, I really think you like me

I'm crying after reading your story as well. How beautiful. How sweet. I'm so glad you got to send him off with so much love.

AW, I'm so sorry. Tim's best friend and his wife just had a baby a couple weeks ago, and while I'm happy for him it stings very badly knowing that we were supposed to have a little one too to raise together. Just ((hugs)), sweet girl. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I love that Zombies song, TS! I posted it on our thread on the old board as one of my "chapter 2" songs. When I made a mix CD for the first vacation New Guy and took together, I actually started it with that track

Oh Kamcho. I can't believe how honest and familiar your words feel. And as usual, you express them so much better than I. Your LH much have been razor sharp and amazing. And it's not fucking fair he's gone. I'm coming up on two years right behind you. I kinda get it - New guy is great, but I'll always wish I had my Tim back. Again, just ((Hugs)). I so wish he could still be here with you