JeanGenie

I'm hosting a Bago at my house in western MA (Belchertown to be exact) on Sunday, November 5th. Let's say noon til whenever. I hope with enough advance notice, we'll have a good turnout. I know we'll have one of our Canadian wids joining us and I'm hoping others from the NE/NY area can come. I'm about 30 mins from two major highways (Route 91 and the MassPike). I'll have some snacks and drinks but we'll do our usual potluck and BYOB. For those who have never been to a Bago before, whether you're new on this journey or years out, please consider joining us. A few of my closest friends today I met at a Bago and I can't imagine my life today without them. PM me for the specific address/directions. Thanks!

Well it rained all day anyhow...not a good day for a hike. We'll try again next fall!

Yup...this is me, except for the part about truly being fine alone. I'm just under 4.5 yrs out and I've survived being alone. Sometimes I recognize the benefits of doing my own thing when, where, and how I want. And like Virgo I know I was blessed to have had found great love in my DH. Am I greedy or being unrealistic to want that again? But as SOR said, I think I'm also made to share my life with someone...

I'm hoping to be there (that's the current plan). It certainly won't be a cool, crisp fall day!! lol

SD, I'm so sorry for you but I'm glad you found us. As others have already said, this is a place you can share what you're truly feeling and struggling with. It is not easy but you learn to survive and you will. For now, you take it hour by hour. Don't look too far ahead. And know we're here to support you. It sucks and unfair and we unfortunately get it.

Hey all! Here we are at another Saturday night. Thankfully the last several Saturday nights I was busy...with family or friends. But tonight I'm sitting home alone and not quite sure what I'm going to do. I just finished dinner so I guess dishes will be next. No new Hallmark movie on tonight so maybe I'll find something on Netflix, play a game of Solitaire, or do some reading. Not very sexy I know, but its been a busy day (did lots of stuff around the house) so I'm actually looking forward to a quiet evening with a Seagram's wine cooler! What are others up to this evening?

I've spent the last two days at work planning accordingly since I have clients and colleagues in Florida. It has consumed my time at work and it has been emotionally draining since all I can think of are the "what if's" if I was needing to deal with this, on my own. The last few natural emergencies/storms that passed through my area (tornado, snowstorm that took out power for over a week), DH was here so I didn't need to face these alone. The thought of having to deal with a natural disaster alone is overwhelming and scary. So for any of you who are impacted by Irma (or Harvey), know I'm thinking of you.

Oh BH2, All I can say is "wow".... Just reading your post moved me and I'm sorry this has left you unsettled and brought all those feelings of missing DH back to the surface. This hasn't happened to me, so all I can do is send you virtual hugs...

Kailee, This is something I struggled with as well since my DH was my best friend and we only had a few casual couple friends. I really didn't have my own, individual friends (and didn't need them...we had each other). Early on (and still sometimes today) I hated the fact that I needed to make friends to now fill the void. I have to say, though, it has been worth the effort because these new friends provide me with most of the happy moments of my life right now. I was lucky enough to find a few good friends via this board and Bagos (or via other wids) and they have become some of those I'm closest with today. However, it does take effort--to stay in touch, to get together--but it's worth it. I have also tried to maintain some friendships through my church, but these are less comfortable/natural. They are all couples, DGIs, and although they sometimes remember and try to include me, I'm always the 3rd wheel and we now have less in common. But I continue the effort and trying new things. But mostly I focus my energy now on maintaining the friendships I've formed over the past couple years. It does take time and effort and initiating get togethers which can be difficult, especially for introverts. But it's worth it... So if you look at my friendship circle, it is full of fellow wids. Even when I meet new people through interests (such as hiking), I end up finding out that they are wids as well! Maybe we are just naturally drawn to each other!

I'm happy for you and it gives me hope that maybe there's still a chance I'll see him in my dreams. It's been almost 4.5 years for me and nothing... Even dreaming (or remembering them) is rare.

I'm in and may bring a couple adult children. Hachi,

Jess, Thanks for sharing! There is so much of what you described that I can related to. I especially love your analogy of it being like three different people...I can so relate to that. I just haven't totally figured out the third person yet....but I'm starting and I'm hopeful and scared at the same time. Your story gives me hope though!

It's been 4 yrs, 3 months, so it's about time. But I thankfully could ignore this until I was ready. It was time to finish this and claim the space for my own. I did an initial cleaning a year or two ago. He was a pack rat and unfortunately had a large closet. I think I got rid of 4-5 bags of clothes then. How could one man have so many clothes? Two weeks ago I bought myself some shelving that I would put in his closet and then unpack totes of my clothes...only after I cleaned it all out. Yesterday I avoided it by cleaning out and organizing my closet instead. But today I needed to attack this beast. I was going to get it done and then reward myself with an early evening away. There was only one moment of brief tears as I took photos of a suit and two shirts from the days before he even met me. They were special to him and he held onto them. I took photos of his work shirts with his name on them and then put them in the trash. Just so easily tossed...just like a life so easily ended. Things he wore that reminded me of him; things he bought that still had tags on them never having a chance to wear them...the remainder of his life just tossed into bags. Another 5 bags now sit in my garage waiting to be donated. I feel like I have HIM in those bags. A heaviness weighs on me now. No more tears, just physical and emotional exhaustion. But I'm happy with the "new" closet and my clothes organized on the new shelves. I did keep some things for me to wear when working in the yard or to bundle myself in during cold winter months. As I close the closet door I realize I'm closing the door on another part of my previous life. Just another step in the process. I still have his tools to go through in the garage and workshop. THAT will be less emotional (at least I hope). All in due time though...all in due time.

Hugs Maureen! I give you so much credit in taking these next steps, especially moving. I have a 5 year plan to move, but it's been a 5 year plan for 2 years now! I realize as I read your post that I am "beyond active grieving" and there's a hint of guilt in doing so. You are in the middle of a huge transition so it's natural that you don't feel that way right now. As you know all too well, in time... Wishing you strength over these next few weeks...

BK2, I'm sorry this hit you so hard. It still amazes me at 4 years out what triggers the tears, but then again, I'm guess I'm not surprised. This instance at least makes sense to me...removing his name from one more thing. Just like that...so easy, so sad. So, DH's name is still on the house, bank account, cable bill, phone, and electric. Was I supposed to change these? Oops!

I'm in between happy moments and so there was some sadness and damp eyes this morning. DS was home the past 3 days and he just fills the house and my heart with such love and laughter. He left yesterday and the inevitable "down" that follows hit me this morning. But soon some fellow wid friends (that I met through this board!) will be arriving and a small group of us will spend the afternoon/evening together. I know we will have a good time and will certainly laugh a lot. What are your plans for this 4th of July? I hope they bring you happy moments.

I'm born and raised and an active Catholic. Although I have doubts about some of what the Catholic church teaches, it has kept me grounded. I am active in my church (committees, council, choir) even though I don't consider myself "religious" and I find people there that truly care for me and were there to support me during my husband's illness and passing. They were there at the funeral and, more importantly, welcomed me back afterwards. Before DH passed, I lived a charmed life and I thanked God regularly for the good in my life. Since DH passed, I have struggled more these past few years and find less comfort and peace in "church". If it wasn't for my commitment to the choir, I'm quite sure I would easily fall away from regular attendance. But I go...part of it due to the ingrained Catholic guilt, part of it because the comfort of familiarity, part of it because there are people there that truly ask "how are you doing" followed by a comforting hug, and part of it is to simply slow down for one hour a week. I do believe there is a Heaven and that when I pass, I will be reunited with my DH. If I'm wrong, well....I'll be dead so I won't know or care.

Maureen, I feel for you. I can't imagine going through what you've been through and now facing new changes. But I am in awe at your strength and courage and all you've achieved and overcome since John passed. I can't say I could have done the same; giving up would have been the easy road--which you didn't take. Yes, I would also be torn about leaving Kansas but you recognize it's what you need to do. It's definitely not the life you envisioned and it's a reminder that you're leaving behind the short life you and John shared. Closing the book on that chapter of your life...so of course you'd have heartache. I'm glad you were able to visit with your parents though and confirm that being too close to them would be unhealthy. I hope things work out to enable you to keep that 6 hr distance! Sending you virtual hugs and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and sending you hopes that things end up falling into place for you.

This is an interesting topic and there are parts of what each of you have stated that I can relate to. "Women share deep emotional relationships with spouse, friends, family. Men share a deep emotional relationship with their spouse. Period. After a partner dies, women can cobble together an emotional support system to help them get by. Men have a more difficult time finding this, so they are drawn to re-coupling sooner than women. It's hard to live without emotional intimacy." My DH was my best friend and that only person I shared a deep emotional relationship with so in the past four years I've now formed new emotional relationships with friends (both male and female) to help fill this void. I've also gotten used to my independence and see the "good" part of this. And as Faye said: "...the demographics aren't in my favor. Women my age can end up without partners because there are fewer men than women. And the men looking for love can hold out for someone younger." So from the female perspective, early on, yes, I had no interest in recoupling. Now? Not sure. As Soloact says, it will complicate my life, but if it's worth it...

Happy (belated) Canada Day, BH2! Hope you did something fun to celebrate!

Missed you CaptainsWife! We'll have to get another scheduled soon.

Looking forward to seeing you all! It's going to be a beautiful, and hot, day!

Friday was our wedding anniversary and no celebration of Father's Day today since husband, father, and FIL have all passed. BUT, it's been a good weekend and I thought I'd capture this moment in time: 1. Went to my niece's spaghetti dinner fundraiser Friday night (good aunt that I am!). On the way home, I took a wrong turn which meant our drive home was a bit out the way. At a stop sign, a woman got out of her car to ask for directions. She was totally lost and flustered and if I hadn't taken the "long" way home, I wouldn't have been there to help her at that moment. 2. Went to Sail Boston on Saturday and my son decided to join me at the last minute. It was a great day being on the water watching the tall ships and we then we enjoyed a casual, relaxing late lunch together. 3. An impromptu invitation to see a drum corp performance last night. My first (in person) and I thoroughly enjoyed it! So a weekend that started with a funeral on my anniversary, has turned out pretty darn good! Of course, I still need to get through today, hence, capturing the moment and good feeling while it lasts!

Oh TS and BH2, I hear you. Just an odd day. I'm blaming it on the moon or the heat or the fact my son just left after being home for a few days. I'm sad and mad an a mix of emotions. It's probably good no one is here to listen to my unreasonable rant. But thankfully being 4 years out, it usually passes quickly and tomorrow will probably look brighter...we can only hope. In the meantime, it's good to know we're not alone...well, at least in our feelings...physically is another matter... :-\

BH2, Oh how I can relate to this as these thoughts cross my mind so often. We seem to be in a similar place, that fine line when we think we're ready for someone else in our life to fill that void but then scared to death and not really ready. Since my DH and I were together since I was 19, I am unfortunately learning for the first time how to live alone and I also realize there's more work to be done there. In the meantime, though, I thankfully have some wonderful friends in my life, some that I've met through this board, that have helped fill some of the void in my life and care what is happening with me. For them, I am thankful and try to focus on that. ATJ, thanks for your words... Very poignant and eloquent.