JeanGenie

This subject just caught my attention because it's how I feel as well at 2.5 yrs out. I am sad and lonely way too much. I work hard to maintain friendships I've made over the past 2.5 years. Friends that support each other, friends that have filled the void left by losing my best friend. But it takes such much energy and it feels so one-sided at times. Do they really care? If I dropped dead tomorrow, would they even notice? And I wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow except for the single thought of what it would do to my DS. So that is what keeps me going; the only thing. Of course I miss my DH, but what I miss more is the happy, fun person I used to be. This past month I've had a real hard time shaking the sadness and loneliness. As we ring in a new year, it only makes me sadder that this is now my life and I'm not quite sure how to change it. 2016 will be 3 years and all I've done in 3 years is somehow survive...and age. I feel so old. Which doesn't help because I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life (whatever that is), but who would want me....old and sad. Needless to say, my self esteem sucks right now as well. I keep telling myself that this year I will focus on me--getting healthier, being selfish in doing what makes me happy--I need to get out of this funk. But I'm not sure how to do that. I just wish DH was here....then I wouldn't be dealing with any of this. Life was so much simpler then...

western MA (Amherst area)

This is the third Christmas without DH. This year, I've had a much more difficult time feeling excited or happy about the holidays (which I used to love). Not sure why the this year is harder other than the fact that the first year was a blur (as we know, just going through the motions) and last year, Mom was in the hospital so we were dealing with that and Christmas was postponed til March. So this year, for everyone else, it's back to "normal" but for me, I just can't wait for Saturday when this is all behind us. Anyhow, plans for the holiday... Christmas Eve will be going to Mass followed by in-laws. My niece hosts every year and we have a potluck buffet followed by a yankee swap. Not necessarily close to my ILs...some of these folks we only see once a year, but we're maintaining the relationship. The yankee swap at least is a social event so that is entertainment and I have three young niece/nephews so they will entertain us as well. Thankfully with young kids, the party breaks up relatively early so I won't be out til midnight. Christmas Day is typically rushing to Mom's (Dad passed many years ago) where the entire family gathers (about 13 of us). Gift exchange among us all (yes, a bit crazy but no one will agree to simplify) and buffet for dinner. Unfortunately, my sister ended up in the hospital with emergency surgery this past Sunday and won't be released til the weekend at the earliest, so good news....family celebration is being postponed! Which is a good thing since I haven't wrapped gifts and I have a long list of food to prepare! So now Christmas Day will be just me and my adult son exchanging gifts in the morning, having a leisurely breakfast together, and then he suggested maybe going to see the new Star Wars movie. So what was going to be a stressful, rushing around day, will now be relaxing and low-key. I just hope the Christmas celebration doesn't get rescheduled to Jan 3rd and mess with my plans to attend the CT Bago at Kate's!

Hachi, I get what you're feeling as well. Just a reminder of what we had and what we lost. Weddings, anniversary celebrations...their joy, our heartache...all so difficult. Sending you hugs...

Just got home from the grocery store. Gonna put on my comfy clothes, make some dinner and then bake some cookies while watching some Hallmark movie on TV. You know the kind...where some lonely person (usually a widow) finds loves by running into Mr Perfect at some random place (he wasn't at the grocery store tonite) and they live happily ever after! Sigh...

Safe travels and hopefully I'll see you at the bago!

Congratulations! So happy for you!! Gives me hope...

Making a note...hopefully can make it...

Yes I feel the same way. I used to like life. I was "happy". Now I have some happy times, but they are small moments in time. I no longer can say "life is good" or that in general "I'm happy". Will I ever be truly happy again? I would like to think so (since it's rather depressing otherwise). I guess I just need to be patient... Max, your reference to just being worn out from the grief sums it up pretty well!

I could have written the exact same thing. I'm now working for retirement. I still take pride in my work and do a good job when I'm there, but I no longer (or very, very rarely) bring work home. My goal is to keep my job and benefits til I can retire....but at this point, I don't know what that looks like either (but I still have some time to figure that out).

Mrs Dan, happy belated birthday. Sorry your day wasn't better. SVS, love the batman story! What a nice way to brighten your evening. Good news, I guess, is next year Halloween is on a weekday so it will be more like a typical workday versus a pathetic, lonely Saturday night!

Well I used my hour to get caught up on some volunteer work I needed to do. Actually took me 2 hours to get it done, but at least I'm caught up (for this week)!

Well, this was a pathetic Halloween alone. My DH used to love Halloween. Decorated the house with lots of ghoulish things with graveyards and cobwebs, strobe lights, fog machines, and creepy music playing the background. The family used to come over and DH would cook dinner for us all (pastrami sandwiches) and then I would go out trick or treating with the kids (son and nieces and nephews) while DH stayed home to answer the door (he loved to see the excitement over his decorations). The first Halloween after he passed, I continued the tradition--had the family over, but I stayed home to hand out candy while the family went out. And the pastrami sandwiches weren't as good as DH's. Last year, none of the family was here. The kids are all teenagers and either didn't want to go out or had plans of their own. So I was here alone but still put up a number of outside decorations. Trying to keep the reputation of the best decorated house in the neighborhood. To my disappointment, only 2 trick or treaters last year. So tonite I just put out 3 lit pumpkins. I put together 5 treat bags figuring I'd see the 3 little girls who moved in next door. Nope, just 2 teenage girls and that's it. This is terrible to say, but I'm glad my DH isn't here to see how no one rings the bell anymore. He had so much fun decorating...there would be no reason to now. The silence in the house is scarier than any creepy Halloween movie. I hate it. This is a totally crappy Halloween. I miss the fun we used to have. I was even hoping of catching up with some friends, but that didn't happen either. I was hoping things would get better...Sigh...

So a totally innocuous topic but something different... Daylight savings time ends this evening. We turn the clocks back 1 hour. What do you plan to do with this extra hour of time? I would like to think I'd spend it reconnecting with friends or getting to a task that I've totally avoided for way too long. The reality? I'll probably just sleep!! How about you? Any plans for this extra hour of found time this weekend?

Meema, Not quite sure...but it definitely made me laugh!!! So thanks for sharing!

Hugs Maureen! You have been through so much and still are able to pick your head up and look ahead to possibilities. As others have said, you are an inspiration especially when I have faced far fewer challenges and struggle myself. You show me that loving again is possible even knowing the risk of losing again is possible. You can move forward, you can keep living. So not a rant, just another example of how you inspire the rest of us!

Thanks for getting that stuck in my head as well!! But it was good for a mood lifter! Won't be able to make this one, maybe next time. Have a good time though!

Brenda, so happy for you and how nice that it happened naturally. I loved your comment re: "happy mess for once". I always wonder if it's worth taking a risk, but I don't want to create a new "mess". But you're right...a happy mess is certainly better than what we're usually dealing with! Enjoy!

Deb, I'm so sorry... Cancer just sucks. My DH had colon cancer; my BIL died from pancreatic a month later; and any day now I will lose a wid-friend due to pancreatic cancer. What amazes me with all three of these men is the grace and dignity they all had when facing this diagnosis. Both in living every day after their diagnosis but then in facing death in their final days. I agree with you...I don't think I would handle it as graciously either. I'm glad you were able to spend those last days with him. In time, I was able to be grateful for those last days together and know how lucky I was to have that time. Wishing you comfort and peace. It's a sucky club you are now part of, but this board/community is a great place for support.

First, Happy Birthday! My birthday was last week and I totally get what you're saying! I am thankful for the family and friends who sent a card or text to wish me a Happy Birthday...I do know how lucky I am to have them in my life. Like Chad, my DH, always made my birthday special. Flowers at work and/or at home, a special home-cooked meal, and simple thoughtful gifts like my favorite chocolates. He just knew how to make the day special for me and to make sure I felt special as well. I'm approaching 2.5 years (my third bday without him) and I've learned that I am now responsible for my own happiness. So I buy myself flowers and a little single serving dessert. And this year I planned a trip so I wasn't at least at work on my birthday, but rather doing something fun. Such good plans, but by evening, when I was home alone in an empty house, I had my good cry as well. All of this just sucks and I also hate that there is no one to make me feel special. That is why I try to make sure I do something for my closest friends on their birthdays. Anyhow, I'm sorry you had a miserable birthday and go ahead and have a cry--you deserve it and know you're in good company. Sending you virtual birthday wishes!

Probably won't be able to make it...Mom is moving that weekend. Looking forward to seeing folks soon though!

Just got home from a surprise 60th birthday party for my SIL. It was an outdoor party with a live band (so loud you couldn't really talk to anyone). Thankfully DS went with me so I had someone to hang with. Yes, I guilted him into going...hate going to these things alone. Ended up leaving at 9...I'm such an old fuddy-duddy!

Another Saturday night and what wild and crazy things are we all up to this evening? I just got home from the grocery store (great place to spend a Saturday night), and now I'm going to make some dinner. Then I'm going to get real sexy and slip on my black nightgown and cuddle up with a glass of wine and the book I started on vacation but never finished! I'll probably fall asleep before I finish reading 2 pages!!

Is it just me, but this morning as the news is covering the 14th anniv of 9-11, I'm just feeling ill. It's just stirring up all kinds of emotions... The loss of DH, how precious life is, and how alone I feel. I did not lose anyone personally on 9-11, but as the news talks about memorial services, etc., all I can think about is the loss of DH and all those feelings and grief come to the surface. As I'm sure is true with most of you, I still so clearly remember that day and I remember wanting to get home from work and be with my DH and son and being thankful that we were together and safe. And if this happened today, I would have no one... No one to come home to. No one to make me feel safe. And that makes the tears flow even more. And then I've got conflicted feelings because social media is reminding us all (not that we don't already know this) to tell those in our lives how important they are to us, but there are people in my life right now where I can't be 100% honest about my feelings for them. There's too much risk involved and as much as I tell my head it's the right thing to do, my heart feels differently and so that hurts this morning as well. It's the combination of all these things that have bubbled up this morning and I did not expect it. I'm just a mess and so needed to come here and get it out and share with those who might understand. Yes, I know grief still comes at unexpected times, but I never thought all this talk and media coverage about 9-11 would trigger it. Is it just me?

Beautiful pics! So happy for you. You're right...gives me hope!