JeanGenie

That is what I likened the sudden onslaught of unexpected tears last night. It came suddenly and was painful. The only difference was I didn't stub my toe and so what specifically triggered this I don't know. I sat on the back steps last night watching a pair of foxes playing in the back yard. I enjoyed watching them while a hummingbird flitted in and out. It was peaceful and I appreciated that I was able to stop and take it all in. Enjoy the moment...what I try to remember to do every day. And I did. I sat and watched them for about an hour ignoring tasks I was hoping to get done instead. So that was a good thing. As I sat there, the thought did cross my mind how I wish DH was here to see this. He would have sat with me and I would have had someone to share the moment with. Oh well...after 4 years, I do find I'm getting used to this and I can acknowledge the thought and move on without it consuming me. But as I laid my head on my pillow last night, the sudden onslaught of tears and sadness overwhelmed me. Where did this come from? Was my brain finally catching up to that moment hours before? Was it some old photos I was going through earlier in the evening? Is it the fact that our wedding anniversary is next week? I'm not quite sure and thankfully sleep overcame me. This morning I'm up, the sun shining, and it's the start of just another day. I would question whether my little breakdown last night actually happened, except the balled up tissue was still in my hand when I awoke. I guess that's the good thing and why I liken last night to "stubbing your toe"....the pain can still come suddenly when you're not looking but then it goes away just as quickly and I move on and not allow it to continue to grip me. At least not this time...

Oh Monique, I could have written all of this as well...early on. I know you hear it all the time, but it gets better. Sure there are still moments when any one or several of the things you wrote still apply. But thankfully only for short bursts of time and I'm able to move through them. There are still days when I want to scream back at those who casually ask "how are you" and have no interest in really hearing how you are. But we hear you here. So come here and share and rant and let it out. And take it one moment, one hour, one day at a time.

I might be able to make this new date. Put me down as a "maybe"!

It's been a good couple days, so figured I should capture this while it lasts! 1. The push mower started on the first pull. 2. I found the ring I lost earlier this week. It's not fancy, just a simple silver ring I bought myself recently and somehow it had fallen off and disappeared. 3. Realizing one of the "good" things about being alone is that when I'm singing out loud to the car radio, no one cares that I only know half the words! And, yes, as this thought crossed my mind, it made me smile rather than cry.

Arney, I'm so sorry for all your loss in such a short period of time. The loss of your husband is enough to knock the wind out of you, but the loss of your unborn child, a friend, and pet, I agree is more than any one person should need to endure. What a hellish several months you've had but you've survived 4 months so far. How do you remain strong for your little one? You're doing it...getting up each day, taking it one step at a time. Do you have a support network (friends, family, or support group)?...A safe place where you can break down and let it out. I highly recommend that. I wasn't one for support groups but to find others in my same situation definitely helped and we remain friends today, 4 years later. I'm sure others here with little ones can offer you more advice. Be sure to take care of yourself....eat, drink plenty of water, and get sleep when you can. Your little guy needs you. Just take each moment and day as it comes.

I don't recall exactly when I stopped wearing them on my hand but it was about 2 years out. The engagement ring I brought to the jewelers to be inspected and cleaned and then put it away in his jewelry box for safe keeping. Our wedding bands I wear every day on a gold chain that I splurged on. They are usually hidden under my top so they are known only to me and closer to my heart there. When to stop wearing them (or not) is totally a personal decision. I know I did it because I would see other woman wearing wedding bands and think "how lucky for them" and I didn't want people to look at me and assume I was happily married, because I wasn't married and I wasn't happy. I know realistically wedding bands do not mean someone is necessarily happily married, but I was.

Well, I was supposed to host dinner with friends tonight but that fell through so instead I decided to go run errands and do some shopping. Almost three hours and 6 stores later, I'm back home. Not good for the wallet but some things were a necessity and it helped me avoid sitting home alone. So now to go relax in the recliner and watch a movie on Amazon Prime. "Manchester by the Sea" is now available, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet...

Needy, I'm sorry to hear of your friend's passing but so nice of you to be there for her family. That is really disappointing that your friends cancelled on you this morning especially after the week you've had. I would certainly let them know you're disappointed...not to necessarily make them feel guilty but to let them know that you were looking forward to it. It is kinda odd that they cancelled last minute too, but maybe there was some good reason? I hope you find something to do to treat yourself today. As we're learning, at the end of the day, sadly, the only person you can really count on is yourself.

I hear ya. I also miss that person who is always there to talk to, even if it's just banter about our day. I live alone since DH passed and so there really is no one to talk to at the end of the day. I do have some close friends who I can turn to, but sometimes they are not available or I also feel like I'm bothering them (since I always seem to be the one initiating the contact). Then it becomes just another reminder of the person who left us and is supposed to be the one who would always be there for us. I'm at 4 yrs and I'm still trying to adjust to being "okay" alone, just me, talking to myself, but it's a slow process. I thought about getting a cat, but I don't want to become that old, cat lady (and other reasons as well related to allergies, etc.). So no good advise except to take it one day at a time and you can always come here to the board. Feel free to PM me too if you'd like!

Hachi, thanks for reviving this thread! I guess I need to say "sunny day with yardwork" because that was my plan for today but it's raining and I'm disappointed. Reese's pieces or M&Ms?

Mona, Sorry that you are now part of this group. As you will find, we totally understand what you are experiencing. It is so true that those who have not gone through this just don't get it or understand. I also was not one to join a grief support group (I'm a relatively private person who really wasn't interested in sharing "feelings" with people I didn't know). However, I tried it and not only did I find it helpful to talk to others who understood but several of us from the group have continued to remain close and still get together regularly almost 4 years later. This board has also been good and I've met several people through this board who are now my closest friends. I don't know how I would have survived without these new people in my life. Those who "get it". My friendship circle "before" was small. My DH was my best friend. So building new friendships and maintaining them was new for me. But some of them were worth the effort because they are now some of the most important people in my life. I'm glad to hear you're back to work because, yes, routine is good (distracts you from the reality of your life). If any of your friends are particularly important to you, then you will need to reach out to them, when you're ready. Ask them to help with something (even if you don't really need the help), attempt to build that relationship again. If they still don't respond or you don't feel comfortable with them any longer, you can move on. You can also try that grief support group...again, if you don't like it, you can stop going. Navigating this new life of our is not for wimps but this board is a great place for support.

Maureen, Just remember...one day at a time! You've come this far and you'll do great as you figure out the next phase of your life. After all you've overcome, this is nothing! Keep your eye on the prize (MA) and then take it from there! Congrats at getting this far! You rock!! <3

Sounds like there's the possibility of getting your heart broken either way--by telling him and him bolting or continuing and not have the feelings reciprocated. As we know, life is too short, so I'm a believer in being honest and just telling him how you're feeling. Maybe he's feeling the same way, or maybe not. But since YOUR feelings have changed, I'd let him know. And who knows, maybe he has deeper feelings for you as well! You won't know unless you say something though. I wish you luck.

Sirin, I'm glad you reached out to us because we "get it". I'm 3 yrs out now, but so recall those early months where you are currently. There are still times today when I hate to hear "how strong I am"...as you said, do they expect us to break down and fall apart. The reality is what other choice do we have but to simply put one foot in front of the other and navigate this new life we've been forced into. What you are feeling is normal...the loneliness, the feeling of isolation, the lack of hope and dreams for the future. At 3 months, just focus on each day. Trying to envision your future is too overwhelming. Yes, a cold will weaken you and your emotions...and who else knows what else might trigger the same reaction. But it's good to reach out to those of us here. I've made some terrific friends via this board, some that I've been able to connect with in person as well. They have been my life line and I hope we can do the same for you as well. Take care of that cold of yours, get rest, and remember...one hour at a time, one day at a time.

Bill, Sorry that you are now part of this group, but know that this is a great place to find understanding and support and some truly great friends. Some of my current best friends I found due to this board and we have formed a bond outside this virtual world as well.

MS, sorry this has hit you so hard. It's amazing how it can still knock us down when we least expect it. Sending hugs and hoping your days are getting better...

It figures it's going to rain. We're in a drought and the one weekend I'm looking forward to going on this hike, we get rain! Story of my life! lol I agree it doesn't make sense to go in the rain. Due to logistics of coordinating with my son, Sunday won't work for us. If you all end up going, have a good time and maybe we can plan to do this again in the future.

My "kid" is still planning to join us, although he's 28 so not really a "kid". Looking forward to seeing those who can make it!

Hey Donna, No words of advise, just sending you my support. ~J

Dawned on me last night that what I miss most is that person who cares about me unconditionally. Just to have someone each day say "I'm thinking of you and I care."

Mostly just junk mail; however some of our accounts such as electric and phone still have his name on it. It freaks people out when I call them from the landline and their caller ID comes through with his name! lol

Ruth, Do not apologize! And of course you can ask us for support! That is what we're here for...and we get it! This is all so difficult and I'm sorry you're struggling. Sending your virtual {{hugs}}. Same to you too, Jen! I hear ya about being cowardly. I try to keep it all together as well but sometimes the loneliness gets too be too much. I'm glad you posted and more virtual {{hugs}} for you too!

This thread spoke to me. DH was my best friend and I had very few friendships outside the marriage. I have learned over the past 3 years the importance of building a circle of friends but sometimes it can be so exhausting. I seem to always be the one to reach out and make plans or initiative conversations or ask how they are doing. I am now learning to find the friends that are worth that investment where I mean something to them in return. There's been a few that I've invested too much feeling in as well and it's not reciprocated and so I'm left feeling hurt and disappointed. Time to weed these friends out and spend my valuable time on those who appreciate me and make time for me in return. Tough lesson to learn and tough to let go...

The big things like the kitchen renovation that we talked about but never made happen before he died and then small things like never having a smartphone and being able to send simple texts to each other (and then having them today to look back on).

After two great weeks of vacation that was a total escape from reality, the post-vacation, general sadness has returned. Reality can suck sometimes...