LTSLforever

We are all different and we experience our grief in different ways. Regardless of what anyone on here thinks, I do NOT choose to be sad. Am I sad, am I depressed? YES Depression is an illness that I have and, believe me, no one would choose this illness. I think we all need to be a little more understanding of other people's pain. We don't all have the same support systems and that makes a difference in how we handle our pain. I also feel pain for Steve's parents; they have lost both of their children. SoVerySad and WheelersWife - thank you for your posts April - I am happy that you are able to focus on the wonderful.

Jen - I can relate to that pain. I can relate to I can't do this anymore. Those words frequently come out of my mouth. The last few days I have been so low and I see no way out of the pain. I have a therapist who really cares and has told me to call him if I need him. However, I can't even make that phone call. The pain/depression causes me to isolate and I don't feel comfortable bothering my therapist when it is not my time. Of course, he told me it is fine to call him. Do I call him during those super lows - NO. When we feel we can't do this anymore, we need to remember that not every day/hour/minute will be this bad. I am not working and I don't have kids (except for 2 wonderful feline children - they give me a reason to live) but I am still overwhelmed by the pain. I am wishing us both and everybody on this board some light in the future.

Hi CappysWidow, I am in the same time period as you - my 6th month was last week. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you. I use Xanax to escape the pain; plus I am an antidepressant (all prescribed by a psychiatrist). I wrote about my struggles in almost 6 months (I think that's the title). Reading your post, I can feel the pain and that pain sucks beyond belief. How do we go on? How do we keep putting one foot in front of the other? I am in therapy and attend a bereavement support group. I took a few weeks off of therapy/group because I wanted to give up. All the talking in the world (as well as medication) was not going to bring my love back to me. Currently, trying to figure out a way to survive. What is keeping me going is knowing that Steve lives on through me, and that I must live for him.

Mizpah - nothing really brings me relief - except my feline kids. I have had issues with depression for a very long time. Steve helped me get out of that depressed world. Now I am back there but so much worse. My mom is very sick, I have a very strained relationship with one of my sisters (she has hurt me so badly) and I am in a dark deep hole. I cancelled my last 2 therapy appointments. I just want the pain to end. Maybe I should not even be posting - I don't know what to do anymore. I guess there is a part of me that is reaching out for help. There are moments that I am okay but most of the time I am just so sad.

I am so sorry. Our pets are like our kids (at least for those of us who don't have kids). They are truly a part of our family.

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. You are correct - "it just sucks". Getting through this is hard, really hard. Sending comfort and hugs to you.

Last few days have been really bad. I feel myself withdrawing from everyone. I need Steve; I need his love and support. I miss him so much. My mom has leukemia and had another round of chemo last week. She gets very sick after each round of chemo. Steve had intensive chemo before his stem cell transplant. It's all to close to home for me. I just want to run away from life.

Why are people so mean and insensitive? Sometimes it maybe due to a lack of understanding of how painful our situations are but often it is due to nastiness. I can't write about my situation (the comments were horrible) but it has burned such a deep hole in my heart. That hole was already so large; I didn't think it was possible for it to get any larger. The worst is when family members make those comments. My question is always WHY but I don't think I will ever get an answer. Jeff - my heart goes out to you. Taking care of your wife's dad after losing your wife speaks so loudly of your love for both of them.

Thanks for your responses. I really don't think my pain can get any worse. However, I do understand how it can for some people when the shock wears off. I want to forget so many of the horrible details but I have a very obsessive brain which causes obsessive thoughts (about everything in life). Steve was in constant pain every single second of every single day. Even with high doses of meds, he still felt pain. I can't forget hospice - watching Steve skip a breath and watching the life disappear from him (although there was not much life left at that point). I can't forget how I did not save him. The things that I am forgetting are the things I need to remember - like his beautiful voice. I believe I wrote about this in my introductory post. Steve and I got married (not legal) in his hospital bed. We exchanged rings. I married my soulmate knowing his time was almost over. This was the most loving experience of my entire life. We were both so happy. I am not sure he knew he was dying. I made a wedding album. For many months, it has been to painful to look at the album. Yesterday, as I was looking at it, I felt like I was an outsider looking in. Did I really marry Steve? Was that my life? I hate all these stages of the grieving process. I hate everything. I am broken, probably beyond repair. I have reached the point where I am kind of giving up. Besides Steve's death, there is a lot of drama and illness (my mom has leukemia) in my family. It is all putting me over the edge; I am hanging by a thread. I spoke to my therapist on the phone yesterday and told him that nobody can help me and that I want to stop therapy. Nobody understands me except all of you - I guess all of you amounts to a lot of people. The only real relief I get is from Xanax. When I need to escape, I take 2 Xanax with 2 benadryl and that does a great job at calming me down because it puts me to sleep. That will probably be on the agenda for today. Psychiatrist knows about the 2 Xanax; I guess it would be wise to tell my doctor that I mix it with the Benadryl.

"Should I be trying to plan for this first visit to anticipate questions, etc." Great question. I have been in and out of therapy - before my relationship with Steve, during his illness and after his death (now). I usually do not plan anything and I never anticipate the therapists questions. Of course, the first few sessions will be about getting to know you and your story. Sometimes I write a list of all the crap going on in my head so I do not forget to discuss anything. I am a little ADD so I am often all over the place, jumping from one subject to another- different subjects just pop into my head. Focus is important and beneficial but also letting things flow from your heart can be very soothing. One great part of therapy is venting and having your feelings validated. Going in with an open mind and good attitude important. One thing I realize is that I spend too much time venting/crying and not enough time working on ways to cope with life. Finding the right therapist can be difficult. I have had many. One psychiatrist feel asleep at two of the sessions; those were the only two that I attended - don't even know why I went back after the first session. Another one told me I had lots of problems - why did she think I was going to her in the first place - obviously, I wasn't the happiest/healthiest person in the world. Of course, I know I had problems - I was not in denial so she didn't need to rub it in. Hope you have a wonderful vacation. Relax and enjoy your children. Wishing you the very best on this next step of your healing process.

Chrissy - so sorry for your loss. It sucks sums up everything. Best advice is just to reach out and let the wonderful people on this site help you. I don't believe most people, outside of those who have gone through this hell, get it. One thing I do know, we all experience grief/healing in our own way and in our own time. Do not put any pressure on yourself and do not compare yourself to anyone. Take it day by day. I am the kind of person who probably needs to take it hour by hour and sometimes even minute by minute. Yes, I agree fuck people who should not be driving.

I can't take this fucking world! Let me out of this fucking misery.

So much love in all the pictures. Everyone is beautiful!

Please do not let it be true that the pain gets worse at 6 months. Both my psychiatrist and my mom told me a while back that at 6 months it gets worse. That cannot be possible - just like it cannot be possible that Steve is gone. I am doing everything in my power to keep everything the same at home - down to the box of tissues on his night table next to the bed. I feel like getting a tattoo on my wrist that reads "I GIVE UP".

I feel exactly the same way. If only I had the courage.....why live....this world sucks.....I can't take it anymore... I wish I had a child so maybe that would give me a reason to live. For now, I don't know what to do but I do know we have to get as much help as possible. I am on meds, in therapy and attend a grief support group. My family says - how would Steve feel if you did something to yourself and that Steve lives on through me. Of course, I come up with answers to these questions to support my desire not to live but maybe they are right. Our loved one lives on through us. That beautiful person will be in our heart and mind forever and nobody (even death) can take that from us.

I must keep reading all of your comments and let them sink into my brain. Yesterday, I completely lost it. I told my mom that I am not going to be around much longer. Even if I felt that way, I should not have expressed it to her. I am sick of talking, sick of fighting the pain and sick of the feeling that things will never change. Losing Steve, combined with something that I am not comfortable publicly sharing but has caused me horrible emotional pain, have put me over the edge. Maybe I am too early out but I have no hope.

What a wonderful, beautiful woman to help your son. She is a blessing and deserves the very best not this awful life threatening illness. cancer sucks, fuck cancer, life is not fair,

I really like this fucking thread. Fuck you myelofibrosis and leukemia. You killed my husband and you will probably kill my mother. Fuck you to the eating disordered part of my brain. You have been with me for far too many years. Don't you fucking make me even more miserable than I already am. On now something positive: Steve - I love you more than anything or anybody in this whole world. Please come back to me. I need you so much, baby. I edited this to delete some of my FYs. Trying to forgive a few people - not sure that is possible but maybe it is better that I don't put those situations in print.

Hi Virgo. It's Laurie - from the other site. Thanks for recommending this caring group of people. I wish I could join you in exercise. Well, I know I could but I feel like I can't. It amazes me how much I used to love exercise and now, I'm lucky if I have the energy or desire to leave my apartment. So sorry you are having a terrible week. I feel the same - well, every week is terrible. Wishing you, myself and everyone else on here some strength and hope in the coming days.

I am 5 months out. I am so sick of living in pain. I am on medication, see a therapist and attend a grief support group. Nothing helps. There really is only one way to end the pain. I know I can't take that road but this thing called life was not meant for me.

I am usually not an F word person but it suits my life very well. F that my mom was diagnosed with leukemia a short time after my husband died. F that the chemo to control the leukemia (not cure it) is destroying my mom's life and she has been hospitalized after each round of chemo. F that mom fell in rehab (for physical/occupational therapy) just a few days before she was supposed to be discharged. F the stem cell transplant/medications that basically killed my love. F the fact that I am so WEAK and can barely function most days. F the constant excruciating pain I feel every single day. :'( I can go on and on......... so I will just write FUCK EVERYTHING. oh, I must add more F the prednisone used to treat Steve's graft vs. host disease - it destroyed his body and caused unbearable pain - 9 compression fractures in his back and 1 in his sternum F the fact that I am so depressed. Fuck that Steve's only sibling died of brain cancer 3 years before Steve died. One year after his brother's death, Steve was diagnosed with myelofibrosis. Fuck Death - I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

Maureen - thanks for sharing that picture. You all look happy - so many smiles. It's hard to believe I will ever be happy again. I have read a lot of your posts and you are amazing.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. So many tears, so much pain. I just can't cope with life. I feel useless and hopeless.

I am so happy to see this thread since I have been thinking about getting one in memory of Steve. Love seeing all the different artwork. Never had a tattoo so this is new to me. Just trying to find ways to keep Steve as close to me as possible.

I lost the love of my life, Steve, on Nov. 6, 2015 four months ago. Steve had myelofibrosis a rare disease of the bone marrow. To save his life, he had a stem cell transplant in August 2014. He experienced very bad graft vs. host disease and was on high levels of prednisone. The prednisone caused osteoporosis, which resulted in nine compression fractures in his spine and one fracture in his sternum. Then there was the double pneumonia. On Oct. 31, 2015 Steve and I got married (spiritual ceremony, no time to make it legal) in his hospital room. My mom and sister attended. It was the most beautiful wedding a woman could ever wish for. I am not sure if Steve was aware of the fact that he was going to die. Steve was my world, my soulmate and my best friend. When I lost Steve, I lost everything. The pain of losing him has been excruciating. At first, I did not want to live. I could not handle the deep burning pain (not that I can cope with it now). I am still waiting for him to come home. Steve you will be my forever love. Not long after Steve died, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia. This world sucks!