Freelancing

Brace yourself! Here goes .... You need to find something to help work out your grief. Truly! Alittle bit of history, I started out by exploring all my interests. I kept harming myself or became completely frustrated. It dawned on me one day to examine the issues I was having. Turned out I was putting the cart before the horse. My widow brain was not up to performing such things as crafts, jewelry making, painting, etc. I was blazing pisst off about that till I gravitated toward a 1000pc jigsaw puzzle while at a bookstore. I'd never worked one before but there was something about the challenge of finding the cat that would be revealed upon completion. I had to find that damn cat! In doing so, it improved my memory, attention span, brought clarity --- simply flooded my brain with dopamine. Wooo Hooo! ;D And from what I recall better than sex! You might want to look up the benefits of jigsaw puzzles on the web. You could try out children's puzzles or word puzzles to see what happens. If you decide to try a larger puzzle I suggest the 1000pc. They're easier than the 100, 500 and 750pcs. The parts of the picture on the pieces are large making them blur together and difficult to distinguish. If you're anything like I was I had to throw a fit, snort and whine at anything that sound like a stupid suggestion before I tried it. Its okay. Let us know if this works for you or if you've found something else. Remember too, you can always set aside till you are ready for it. Good luck! Freelancing ...

Ha, ha, ha --- thanks for the advice. Bitch! I get it. On the day of DH's funeral, my ex-MIL announced to family and friends they need not worry about me because I'd find someone else within a year. Got to hand it to her, she consistently maintains genuine psychopathic tendencies regardless of present company or at her own son's funeral whom she liked very little. People, people, people, what can you do but flip them off then forgive yourself for an oops of the fingers.

This was always a popular topic and I hope it will be again. Only the widowed can understand this diet without judging. Cheetos, cake, ice cream, whatever was available. The kids were relieved I allowed them to eat whatever they wanted in peace. Like myself, they also stared off into to space trying to cope with shock and grief. Gentleness always. Mother Nature always did send us cravings for nutritious food to balance us out. What are you eating?

"Trust in the Future" works for me at 8 3/4 yrs out. I didn't trust in anything back then except that grief would be my constant companion for years to come. As pushy as I got with myself I tried not to think about major issues concerning my life. I just lived day by day did my grief work till things started coming together on their own. By that time, I was ready to take the reigns again. Yeah, there were many times of difficulty and many times I wanted to run rampant when I was spurred with that "fuck it" feeling. Learning self control was a pisser - I had to force myself into not taking action as well as learn to clear my thoughts. It did make me feel better that I didn't have to tackle everything at once. Hope this helps

I forgot to comment on the counting. I finally accepted I was going to do it no matter what. It was just another needed reminder that DH is dead to help me accept it.

OMG! ;D Its been such a long time I'd forgotten how ridiculous and materialistic people can be when it comes to widowhood. No maliciousness intended, but all I can do is laugh about it now. I think I may still have my bat somewhere if anyone needs it.

Working on you bachelor's degree could provide you the time to find that new career. Or you could take a nursing position in a doctor's office dealing minor illnesses while you consider other possibilities. It took me 7yrs to fall into a career I really love. It was something I thought was a passing fancy. One day I took it seriously enough to look into it and found it to be workable. Working with power tools to restore new life into antique furniture has been rewarding in ways I only understand. All the interests you've ever had might be the key. The big question is which one will unlock it; you'll just have to explore them. Once found, the other decision is whether or not to pursue it if it does not bring in the sort of income you're accustomed to. Good luck!

Just when over widow brain I got menopause brain. Fortunately, the forgetfulness has a milder feel to it, I rebound quicker and take natural remedies for menopause to help with it. Just when you thought you'd never have memory loss again. Aarrrrgh! Please make it a priority to grieve/vent here &/or in private. Grief goes on longer if its not attended to.

Good for you! We do things in our own time, not when others want us to. Our Christmas tree stayed up 3yrs. The first year, the kids put the tree up with one commemorative ornament. Second year, they put lights on it and another commemorative ornament. Third year, they added a star and another commemorative ornament. In August of the following year they took it down, they were then ready to put it up every year and fully decorate it. They still have their moments when they handle Daddy's ornaments. It makes me smile to see their love for him is still alive, and they're no longer paralyzed with grief. Happy Holidays!

My daughter cut herself for years to punish herself, to release pain and also to feel something, anything. I recently watched a video on Youtube about Amy Winehouse. Unbeknownst to me she was a cutter. For some odd reason out of the blue I decided to look her up. I had never heard her music or knew much of anything about her. I just know on that particular day I was thinking of my daughter's grief journey as I caught the end of a wild song named Rehab on the radio. Anyhoo, the video chronicled her childhood and the events that lead her to cutting as well as some interesting information about cutting in general. It cleared up questions I didn't know I still had about my daughter's past with cutting. Try curbing this with wearing one or more rubberbands on your wrist. Snap them whenever you have the urge to cut. It helped my daughter. As painful as it was to see 8 - 10 rubberbands on both her wrists, I had to suck it up to allow her to do what she needed to do. ((((((HUGS!))))))

Its normal to go crazy any time during active or inactive grieve, it just looks different. Deep sorrow always reminds me of a picture my grandmother had of Jesus slumped over a large rock with tears streaming down his face. I had never in my life experienced such deep profound sadness; it was true suffering. I don't recall how long it went on for or how it stopped, but I do recall when it lifted I learned I had truly loved that man with every bit of my being and he would forever live in my heart. It was the first part in our cathexis to loosen its grip. It was sad, but it was all part of the healing process.

As long as you're grieving, you're not stuck. Its a time of slowing down to do the most important thing - grieving your loss. I kept the same kids, same dog, all his stuff, etc. Never had a reason to move out of our home. Over time the painful memories subsided, no longer triggers. All those things faded into the background so I could move on with healing. If it helps to tuck them away while you try to get through this period by all means do so. Try not to be so hard on yourself with expectations of how you should be doing this, that and the other. We are geared to think if we're not physically productive, we're useless. Guess what, if you're grieving you are productive. As for your co-workers and family, people somehow think of widowhood as a mental disease they'll contract. Some I've noticed fear it so much they stay away from the widowed to avoid thinking about it &/or to prevent bad mojo. And they think we're crazy! ;D Oh, and there are those who are simply uncompassionate assholes who can't be bothered. Believe me, I was such a pathetic mess I didn't even like myself and it was due to the fact that I had unrealistic expectations of my grieving self. I still apologize to myself whenever I recall how hard I was on me. Be gentle with yourself to the best of your ability even if you don't want to. Tell yourself you did nothing to cause this nor could you have prevented it - I am not at fault in any way, shape or form. Make it a mantra to rid yourself of any guilt or responsibility you might think you have. Tell yourself I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving of all that is good. I started off with sour non believing attitude, as time went on I truly started believing it. Hope this helps even if its just alittle bit.

Three years ago while my daughter was still in high school the counselor recommended she go lay down in her office whenever she had suicidal thoughts. This bright idea was provided to the counselor by the school district's psychologist. My therapist asked what I thought she should have recommended. Geez, I guess they never heard of 911.

So true, Wifeless. However, the idea that divorce and death are the same comes from somewhere. People don't just have these ideas pop up out of nowhere. Its their life experiences or information they've gathered to form their opinions. This is going to get touchy, but the fact is the majority of people are not aware remarried people still grieve; they believe they're over it. By some appearances, the remarried tend to give off that impression and its taken at face value - a lasting impression burned into their memory. Dating or remarrying after a short period of time makes a very strong impression that grief is temporary, easily fixed through recoupling and does not merit time out. There's also the possibility they have met someone widowed who honestly did not like their spouse. We do not know who or what they are referencing. And it could be the closest painful life experience they can relate with. I had a very difficult time getting through this one. I wanted people to know DH's death was not going to make me go off the deep end by running out silly nilly doing things I would never have considered beforehand. I also wanted to make certain my kids and others knew of his importance to me, that our marriage was of value enough to take the time to grieve and rebuild my life with purpose. I wanted "us" to still matter. Incredibly, family and friends really didn't know me at all. They thought I'd be out dating in a nano second, they thought I was terribly dependent there was no way I could get through life without someone at my side. In my desire to remain single, the impact on those who knew us has made quite a difference. Now they know who and what I'm made of. I'm treated with far more respect than I ever have by these people. Quite the surprise. Many have admit they wouldn't be able to tolerate being alone. I'm not alone, I'm single. As in all things we have to be careful of what we project to others. I just happened to gain respect from wanting to stay single; it was not intentional, but it did make me aware of what others value most as well as its importance to me. I had a good marriage, its over, now I want to do the things I had planned to do in my retirement years. 8) We get so hung up on things that just cause more anger, but in grief, sensitivity to almost all things takes precedence we seemingly have no control over, as it is it the motions must be gone through to learn how to deal with them. Its yet anotherthing to contend with, however, I found it was best for me to desensitize myself to eliminate triggers from the shit list to move on with healing.

When I initially read it I was in the throes of grief. I screamed, I cried, Used more expletives than I had in my entire life, threw things all over the house, exhausted myself into sleep. It took alittle while before I came up with the idea to keep DH alive in my heart and prayers. I've never stopped talking to him - the nice thing is I don't get to hear any of his smartass comments. ;D

Not to make light of your situation, I, too had fluctuating weight issues. I'm finally getting rid of my grief ranging in size from 2 -14. Now that I'm finally at the end of menopause (oh, the twat pain!) my body has changed into no longer having a waist, saggy breasts and a flat butt. Time for a push up bra to avoid breasts dragging on the floor. Belts and elastic clothing to keep the pants up and allow for no waist. I can actually say I'm glad DH isn't here to see this! I was almost 49 when he died and still maintained a nice figure. Mother Nature has taken over to age me out. Ugh! All I can say is we are programmed to talk endlessly about our beloved in the first years. It does subside, then people wonder why you've stopped talking about her/him. Yeah, we do wear them out. For me, I just really wanted those I loved or cared about to remind me of good times they had with DH - to feel he mattered and hadn't gone on to be just a memory for them. Every once in a while, I'd prompt any one of them to give me what I wanted by saying "do you remember the time out at the lake when ..." or something similar just so they would talk about him. They slowly began coming to me with own stories and pictures - it was amazing.To all that knew us as a couple I'm still DH's wife. I'm okay with it because they know who I am now, what I'm made of, most importantly, I know who I am, where I'm going and amazed with myself for all I have accomplished in 8 3/4. I know its hard, but it will get better.

I had a similar dream many years ago except he wanted a divorce. I asked where he'd been for so long - out fishing with his buds. Said he liked fishing and his new life better. Bastard! To make matters worse he stood behind his "buds" while talking with me. One of his buds held up the divorce papers in plain view as if to say we mean business lady! I can't help but laugh now recalling they were all dressed in sporting clothes holding all their favorite man toys: helmets, golf clubs, fishing rods, paint ball guns, etc. Brings to mind Peter Pan's "Lost Boys". I went on to ask him if he thought abandoning the kids was such a good idea. He said he'd take them. I shouted, "No divorce! You will be stuck with me forever, I will never divorce your scrawny glow in the dark white ass!", then promptly slammed the door. The nerve of that frickin' frackin' fuckhead!" Aaaargh! Since he choose to fuck with me I began to be quite competitive with him. For every time I had to make a repair or perform some task I wasn't familiar with upon completion I'd rib him about it. "See, I can do it on my own and probably better than you, Mother Fucker! I still love you!" Naturally, I'd have to throw in some shit about him wanting to take our kids. I must've done that for a solid 5yrs. Now I'm just proud of my accomplishments. Widowhood is such crazy making, its like being haunted, but we do what we do no matter how bizarre to get on down the road. ;D

I agree with the OtherHalf! Keep bringing that anger up and let it rip. I found it to be one of many keys to free myself. I'm shortly to be 9yrs out, I can tell you so much has changed from dealing with deep seeded resentments, rage, etc. You'll like and hopefully love yourself for releasing all your burdens while finding a new way to love him.

Throughout the grief, I had many lulls here and there. Those times of relief were what I looked forward to. You may want to use this precious time for whatever needs to be done or simply a time of pleasure before it lifts sending you back into the abyss to do grief work again.

Its not about giving up on God, its about strengthening ones faith. Everyone faith gets tested in one way or another throughout life. There are countless stories in the Bible that attest to it. My DH's death was powerful enough to question everything I had ever believed. Rather than stuff my anger in the pit of my stomach, I allowed myself to be honest with how I felt about God and death. After all God created human beings and is totally aware of all the emotions we are equipped with to experience life to its fullest in whatever manner they are expressed. I've also never been one to be fixed in being told so and so has it worse than me or God has blessed me in so many ways so I should be thankful. I honestly believe there is a better way to help the grieving instead using guilt or shame to get them out of their own personal hell.

In reading your post the first time I didn't notice your youthfulness. I'm single because I've been there done that - decades of marriage, kids, career, etc and I want to do different things now. You on the other hand have yet to experience the other milestones life has to offer. We never know what the future has in store for us. I never thought I'd be married or birthing babies in my mid to late thirties. Totally unexpected! It could very well happen to you.

There hasn't been a day that has gone by without thinking or mentally talking to DH. I don't know why but suddenly its like I can feel his presence. I keep catching myself talking out loud asking him about presents, cookies, ornaments, etc.This is the first year this has happened. Other years it was grin and bear it, later on I just hid away long enough for a short cry, but not this time. I think I'll just keep yakking away as if he's here physically. Poor guy probably thought he was going get away from my blabbering in his ear!

Problem is people compare people to others. I know numerous former widows who remarried, many make a good public appearance at the same time grieve in hiding even from their new spouse. Think of it this, people who say these things either have not experienced this type of loss or they're thinking of someone else. oh, one more .... they're just plain stupid!

If you're grieving, you're dealing with it. You're just not doing it as fast as people would like or how they want you to do it. Tell 'em to let you know how they did it when their time came, it usually shuts them up, but at the same time they might think you're being mean. And that's a look who is calling the kettle black ???

Yeah, I remember that time period very well. I went through that horrid boredom, emptiness and I don't give a f**k about anything as well. Its weird thinking back on it now because I had no magical cure for it, all I could do was get out of bed everyday with a chip on my shoulder and do all those pointless things I thought were not getting me anywhere. Apparently, it did me alot of good even when the grief changed again to some other emotion(s) I had no experience coping with but managed to get through without harming myself and others. BTW, I got out of law enforcement after DH died. I still can't believe I'm actually working at something I'd always thought was a mild interest, passing fancy.But now, I'm just thrilled to be in the antique business; hunting for authentic parts throughout the US by computer, appraising, restoration.OMG, way too much fun! Grief takes alto longer than people think. I'm one that can attest to it being an average of 8yrs. The last 2yrs were like the nesting period pregnant women go through in the last trimester. Its was all about preparing for the supering new life that I was unaware was about to happen. 8) You will get there in time!