Chrispy89

Thankyou mizpah that was so sweet and heartfelt. The strange thing is if I concentrate I can remember his touch... And the nicer than normal kiss we shared the day before he died. I just can't see his face... Then I'll stumble over a picture and go oh Yeh that's him, with an accompanying stab in the heart. The mind is a weird and "wonderful" thing...

I try to remember his face and I can't always visualise it in my head.. I watch videos of him and us and it's beginning to feel like it was all a dream. Day to day I am feeling stronger, but it feels like he is fading away. That's scary. He didn't deserve to sacrifice his life for someone who is struggling to remember his features after 7 months.

Like Baylee says I also feel guilt that I am still living and he is gone. I feel guilt that I fell in a hole instead of living that life to the full for a while. I also feel guilt because he moved to the other side of the world to be with me, and then he died in an accident in a town I chose.. I feel guilty because we weren't together that long, and he shouldn't have lost his life after only being in our relationship for 3 short years. Our love wasn't worth his death......... I try to take a step back and listen to people tell me how happy he was, he loved the town he was in, he loved the job he was in, he loved me, I loved him.... And if he didn't want to, he wouldn't have made the choice to move. But it is still hard, and it wasn't worth it. I would totally give up meeting him if it meant he got to live a longer life. Even if he was completely happy when he died. So, no, I can't tell you why we feel guilt but I can sure tell you I feel it!!

Hi Brenda, I totally empathise with that feeling of purposelessness... When CP died all of our dreams did too... Buying and renovating a house together, babies, marriage. It felt like my life's purpose was to have children and it had been taken away from me in the cruelest way possible. I now have no interest in renovating a house, even though that was a dream I had before I even met CP. And what really is the point if we all end up dying anyway?... My motto has become fake it till I make it. Get out of bed and go do something, even if I don't know why the hell for. My life's point at the moment is, I don't want to grow up to become a bitter, resentful, old lady. If I'm achieving that, I'm winning. Gradually, I am becoming more excited about things... Becoming passionate about things. It's been hard work to get here, and I'm still working hard. I'm at 7 months... Good luck, and remember, fake it till you make it baby

I hear ya MM! In my job we were provided with housing... It worked out that people in relationships/with family were put in houses one side of town and singles were placed in apartments on the other side of town. Guess where I live?! I just think now if it's not weird for them, I'm not going to make it weird for me. It's good to hear you're getting out and about, that takes great courage. Well done!

Grace, I understand the worry of how our 'widow' status might impact our relationship prospects. As we are both of such a young age, I feel like whoever we meet might freak out because they don't know how to handle the situation... I mean how many widows do you meet in their mid to late 20s? However in saying that, I was worried DH would freak out about other 'negative' situations I've had in my life, but he accepted them, fully and wholly because he loved me. As someone will do for you one day, including the 'widow' tag. I do believe you are very brave trying the dating scene. I know for myself personally, whenever I have been a mess mentally and emotionally in the past, I attracted like minds, which never ended well. When I met DH I was carefree, about to go on a 6 month around the world trip, and happy. I'm not saying what you put out into the universe will be what is returned to you (because we all know what a load of bollocks that is), I am saying that when I was happy and carefree I thought with a clear mind. This allowed me to see very easily what I did and did not want in a relationship, what was acceptable and not acceptable, and dictated how I would respond to situations. The only thing acceptable for me at the time was also a happy and carefree person! So I'm going to wait.. Until my mind is a bit clearer again so I can get to that point. I don't know when that will happen.. Maybe it will take years.. Maybe it will take forever... But I want to be content in my own mind before I move forward.... As for the physical aspects I have not thought that far ahead yet!! Wahh!! Ann Summers?! Haha! Anyway, after this rambling post I guess I'm just saying we have some extra battles to contend with, so be kind to yourself!! and GOOD LUCK for TinderGirl#4 (BTW I downloaded Tinder just to see what other single guys even looked like and freaked out and deleted it after approximately 20 minutes!!)

Just logged onto a dating website out of curiosity and answered it's questionnaire, ready to see who I would be matched up with.... It wasn't able to match me up with anyone haha! Even a dating website knows I'm not ready to date yet!! Ok, so I might have answered always, nearly always etc to depressive and sad emotions, but hey, who doesn't find THAT attractive? Lucky I really was just looking at who would be interested out of curiosity!! I'll try it again when I'm in a different head space and see what pops up then

http://lifeasawidower.com/

It made me a bit sad in the knowledge the funeral director was the last to see him naked. I never got to see him after he had died, I was only able to hold his hands through the sheet they had swaddled him in at the funeral home. I felt like I should have been the one swaddling him in that sheet.. It was his last intimate moment and it was with a stranger. Stupid I know because it's not really him. Also, do you think they check them out? Not in a sexual way obviously but in a ooo he would have been a good looking fella, hmmm that one coulda lost more weight! I'm sure they probably do make light of it, how else would they get through such a morbid job. Some things probably just shouldn't be thought about ha...

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Sorry to hear this, I'm sure many have struggled before you so please don't be too down on yourself. Are there any community services that could support you? Where I come from there's a place called Ngala where people actually come to your house and give practical tips to help out. Good luck!

Hi, My partner and I were on other sides of the world for about 6 months. You need absolute trust and faith in each other that you are faithful and you need commitment, commitment to keeping in constant contact with each other throughout the day (texts,emails, facebook etc) and making the time for each other to speak over the phone, skype etc at least once a day. It was hard, because we missed each other, but we knew we were both worth waiting for so we did. Good luck xx

Thanks for all your stories and perspectives... If it is a route I go down it will be a highly considered one, and I have asked to be referred to a specialist rather than a generalist doctor who would have hopefully more experience in the area..

Thanks to the brave people who shared their story here and through message <3

If people would rather keep private about this pm me. I find it hard to believe that only 1 person on this board would have turned to anti depressants!

Thanks for the reply I haven't been offered them nor seen a doctor about it but was wondering if they WOULD make a difference. Having never had them before I wouldn't take them lightly.. I've heard various things like you can't feel any emotion on them (neither ups or downs) to that they did make a real difference. Like you said you have to taper down so not sure I would want to start on something you then become reliant on.... However I am also sick of feeling crappy alll the time!! Definitely a convo to have with a medical professional but still interesting to hear others perspectives

Anyone had any experience with them?

I too am surrounded by babies and engagements. I must admit baby cuddles do warm the soul tho, even if they're not mine. Good luck!

Thanks deedee and I'm so sorry that your partner went to work and never returned home as well. It shouldn't happen in today's world!! I'm actually from Australia.. I had a meeting with the MP and he's very happy to help. He's going to write a letter on my behalf to the coroner with the suggestion of the rule to be made law under my partner's name... Now to get people talking about it I guess.. Unfortunately it's a long process. Years worth. So we will see how we go.

I'm not one to count down the 'saddiversaries'.. In fact, most have passed without me even realising it was that time of month.. Or if I did realise I would actively have to go back and count how long it had been... However, this past week I have been struggling. Stuggling to breathe, feeling constant pain in my chest, walking around with what seems like the heaviest weight on my shoulders. I looked at the calendar and realised it will be 6 months this week. And it's painful. So painful. It's like my mind is realising all over again he is not coming back. It seems for the past few months I have been doing this, that and the other, with the kind of pretend hope he will come walking back through that door. But he's not. That beautiful, healthy, fit 27 year old man is not coming back. The man who made people laugh every day. The man who went out of his way to help others. The man who was my perfect fit. The man who made me want to better myself, for myself's sake, and who I wanted to make proud. The man who made me laugh, made me frustrated... But very rarely made me cry. Until 6 months ago when he was taken away from me. I miss him. And I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to rebuild. To take the pain. I just want it all to stop, and to stop being so hard and I want to go back.. To when we were both so happy

My partner and I had weirdly similar first and last names, which became one of our major talking points when we first met. Our friends had even given us the same nick names even though we grew up on opposite sides of the world! Every time we'd introduce ourself to new people they'd go ha! "Chris and Chris!" I am sure you can probably figure out what initial our surname started with...

Email sent, positive email back from politician saying he is happy to support me and an appointment booked for next week to discuss. Eep! How nerve wracking!! Hoping good things come from this

Thanks for the advice, I will promise to look after myself, put myself first and to keep an eye out for those 'pro' widowers.. I've not seen any myself yet, maybe it's not as big here?

... And am I one? I'm seeing lots of discussions around this lately but I'm not 100% sure what people are meaning by this.... I post one memory per day on facebook about my partner and will do this for a year.. A pledge I began because I was mighty pissed at all the people who kept referring to him as the 'body' (police, coroner etc) and because I had a slight obsession that I NEEDED everyone to know how amazing he was, to try and understand the pain I was/am going through. At almost 6 months I am kind of regretting the year pledge, having managed to do one every single day up until now, because some days I just don't want to have to remember. But.. I made a commitment.. And I'm usually pretty shit at commitments so I want to fulfill this one for him. So does this make me a career widower?! How the hell would people make money outta this? Sounds crazy to me

Lovely to see lots of people happy I'm not ready to start dating yet but it was interesting to see that most of the stories on here were widows finding other widows, but I'm sure that's probably because a lot of people actually met on YWBB! I'm only 25, the chance of me finding another widow my age and where I am living at the moment is slim to none, so it's nice to see people dating non widows with success stories... Although it's unlikely that I will end up dating someone who has been divorced for 30 years also haa haa. Everyone has their emotional baggage so you would have to judge each person on their own merit anyway.. I'm enjoying the stories tho, so keep them up!!