Taurus

What? Being alone does not hold any fears for me.

Different strokes for different folks. I can never envisage a time when my need for a "spouse" or a relationship would over-ride my desire to take care of our girls. But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

Have just been through my second summer...still feels like the first when my beloved left us.

Nice post. Very interesting re. your two boys. My/our 2 daughters are exactly the same - they are handling the loss of their mum a lot better than I am, and they are doing extremely well. Our older graduated with her 3rd degree in May last year - 6 weeks after mum left us. The graduation was very tearful as we remembered her graduation the previous year when we were a whole family :'( Our young one is top of her class academically and is also a very good athlete and dancer. I often wonder whether she applies herself more and more as a coping mechanism. When we visit mum's gave, I see the pain on their faces and it cuts me up... Congratulations on your outlook and life adjustments. Contentment..not an unreachable state to aspire to..

Our departed loves will always be the originals against whom no new partner can compare. At this stage of my journey without my beloved, I'm a spectator watching others and reminiscing about my wife from the many reminders I see day in day out. I'm not the least bit interested in any new relationship as I still have my relationship with my beloved in my memories. Maybe in a few years' time. And when I do, I will not consciously look for a replica of my beloved. It will have to be someone with whom I can connect with her own personality, attitudes, laughter... But I'm in no hurry.

My late beloved wife and I had sex the first time we met and went out on a date, we "went steady" for 5-6 months before moving in together, we got married 5 years after we met and we stayed married for 3 days short of 30 years. Portside's comment is way out of order and reflects more of a teenager's attitude to sex-on-the-first-date and mouthing off about it to their "mates".

My Mum passed away when she was 48 (cancer, never smoked), and my Dad joined her 2 years later at 55, I put it down to a broken heart. He was fit, was not sick, but I believe he just could not live without his soulmate and simply chose to join her! I've seen this happen too many times...

Oedipus complex. Nothing wrong with it - you're not looking for marriage, just enjoy it. No emotional strings..

No contest...our girls come first.

Congratulations Maureen...so very happy for you.

Good for you...enjoy the fresh mountain air.

Jen doesn't want to make it through - she wants to make out 8)

You can't have one without the other...

Time with your kids is paramount: they'll grow up too quickly and move out before you know it, so enjoy the time with them now. Just tell NG you want time out with your kids and go to the mountains: if he pulls a sulk, it'll make it easier for you to end it. If he understands, there might be hope yet... Don't feel pressured into changing. You'll meet someone who will love you for your strength and independence - you'll know when you meet him because you won't feel suffocated and you won't feel imposed upon to change..

That's the risk of online dating..

The fact that she has taken your in-laws' version of events without bothering to get yours is very disappointing to you, and would piss me off no end! You don't owe her an explanation, but rather than emailing or FB-messaging her, I would call her and express your disappointment, and give her the opportunity to apologise and make right the wrong she's done you. If she doesn't accept she was too quick to condemn you without hearing your side, she wasn't the friend you thought she was and you can happily cut her off knowing she caused the rift. Messaging apps make it far too easy and impersonal for people to "say" things they would not normally say to you in person. Call her: if she doesn't pick up, you've done your best to correct her misinformation.

If you're not convinced it's not permanent, you haven't called it off in your mind...and you're only setting yourself up for more heartache. Make the hard call now and cut it off totally and move on. He hasn't moved on from his ex: you've been a convenient refuge for him to see whether he could move on but he clearly can't. Take the hit now. Tough but necessary for your future well-being.

Just be friends - with benefits. You sound like you've got your head in the right space with regards to maintaining your own space and your own resources. I find it interesting that he had the temerity to factor in using your funds for a deposit on a new house. I also find it peculiar that he's made little or no effort to tidy up his place, if only to impress you. You sound like you're already halfway down the driveway....good luck with whatever decision you make.

I have yet to see a Part 2 of any movie which comes anywhere near the original.... Good luck on your intrepid journey of discovery

And kia ora to you too fairlanegirl . The other issue raised in the article I referenced which blows me away is the high mortality rate of mothers following the passing of a child! Heartbreak is an unseen killer...

Hahaha, love this thread! Wish I had something spicy to add to all the levity...but unfortunately, for the time being, something else in me died with the passing of my beloved wife... Some brief background... From the time we met, Debs and I hit it off like the proverbial house on fire: we were compatible in just about every way imaginable, emotionally, intellectually, physically - oh yeah, we had a very healthy and energetic sex life. Before our older girl was born, we would have it 3-4 times a day, sneaking out at lunch from her and my work to imbibe! The frequency dropped off a little with the advent of the second daughter but we still had the hots for each other at least 4-5 times a week right up until her diagnosis. In the last 13 months, I've had opportunities to just do the physical stuff with females I've met through golf, work, social outings etc...but I have backed away each time for no reason other than it did not feel right, that it felt as if I was betraying her. What made it worse was that each of the females involved bore some physical resemblance to my beloved - tall, slim. They still keep in touch with me but there's no developments in the foreseeable future from my end... I might be celibate for a few years yet LOL!!

Wow, just found this 2012 article... http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/elder/9625818/Men-more-likely-to-die-after-losing-their-wife-but-women-carry-on-as-normal.html

Thanks Mike, for your thoughtful and considerate reply. I was not really trying to pass any profound commentary on the relative strengths of each gender: I was curious to see whether anyone else had an opinion on whether male spouses per se survive the loss of their spouses any less than female spouses. I might google to see if there are any statistics which point to my experience or whether mine is an anomaly. It certainly feels (at least to me) that females survive the loss of a spouse a lot longer than men. I know of only one widower (my beloved's father) who has remarried and survives quite happily after losing his wife some 11 years ago.

Sad to hear that, and can identify with your situation. I imagine social work demands so much of yourself, that you were able to provide with DH behind you. Now he's not there, your lack of drive and motivation to continue is understandable..Spending a lot of time with your son may be your escape from people but might be suffocating for him. How viable is it for you to change employment? This may be the new challenge you need to re-energise yourself and start afresh. Friends? New interests? How about taking up a sport both you and your son can enjoy - like golf? Life is for the living and I'm determined to live it even with a heavy heart and seemingly constant emptiness. You too can do it...

Sounds like you've already decided to keep it going in the hope he'll turn the corner. You're the only person best-positioned to decide whether your neediness can drown out the background noise of his ex. Test his commitment by informing him that you feel you need to date others as his clinginess to his ex is an insult to you.