Taurus

This is something which I've pondered for a long time, based on my own experience. I've come to recognise and accept that the females of our species are a lot more resilient, more resourceful and more adaptable..tougher...than us males... Over the years, I've known of at least 10 situations where the wife has passed away, and the husband has followed within 2-3 years. I witnessed it with my own mum and dad, where my dad joined my mum barely 2 years after she left us - and I put it down to a broken heart, something which I believe is not generally recognised. In every other case I've encountered, the husband has inevitably followed the wife, after a protracted mourning period. Conversely, I know of several wives who have lived and are living fruitful and seemingly happy lives several years after the husbands have passed away... Your take on this "phenomenon"? Mine is this: in my experience, when my beloved (and our girls) have gone away for a week or 2 and I'm home on my own, the novelty of being solo wears out within 2-3 days: the most unsettling aspect within that period is the relative "strangeness" and discomfort of coming tome to a clean tidy house rather than the wrap-around warmth of a home, without my wife. So many things we take for granted which we suddenly have to do for ourselves (and for pets!!), that when the wife is no longer there, I believe most men struggle to adapt and really feel the heartache and pain of not having their soulmate around. Conversely, because women have had to shoulder so many of the daily chores and home building, I believe they become "battle-hardened" and better-prepared to manage the heartaches and emotional upheaval to be able to continue on after the loss of a husband/partner. In the past, I (selfishly) often said to my beloved that I wanted to die before her because I could not imagine life without her. Given my admittedly unquantified observations on the survivability of male spouses, I fully expected to join my beloved within 2-3 years. But with 2 daughters, I am determined to become the few exceptions to my observations, at least until our younger one (15) graduates from University, by which time I might be ready to move on - or not. I'd be very interested to have opinions from the males on these forums. I'm guessing but it feels like widows outnumber widowers on these forums by a significant ratio which, it itself, tends to support my observations.

This is my reality as well: nothing unnatural or morose about it, just the way I am at the moment. I'm neither looking nor waiting for anyone to pop up over the horizon. I'm still married, as far as I'm concerned.

Have just seen this great thread. I'm 14 months since my soulmate departed and I honestly do not see myself recoupling in the foreseeable future. My beloved and I were together for 35 years, married 3 days shy of 30, and there's just no desire nor need for me to even think about a new relationship. I would forever be comparing any female to my beloved: tall, slim, great body, even greater personality, totally loyal to each other... I'm an only child and before I met my soulmate I was a solo free spirit enjoying life, doing what I wanted when I wanted and with whom I wanted. This probably makes it easier for me to live a life without another woman in it: I already have 2 in my life (26- and 15-year-old daughters) who remind me so much of their mum it helps the emptiness. I've had to learn new skills, house duties, Mr. Mum tolerance and patience, Dalai Lama wisdom ... really leaves no room for anyone else even if I had the desire. Who knows what the future holds...I know I'm not planning to seek anyone else in the future. My beloved was the best - anyone else has my memories to compete against.

Please know that we share your pain.

Bingo! Tear-inducing happiness for me is watching our girls play so well that opposition supporters and coaches ask who they are and I simply give them their names. Graduation ceremonies. End-of-year prize-giving. Happiness for me is seeing our girls happy.. Golf used to make me "happy", but it's not the same any more: it's now 4-5 hours of companionship with my mates at the end of the week. One or two of my mates are at marital crossroads: I've pulled them aside and asked how they would feel if they suddenly became widowers... I don't know if I'll ever experience the happiness I enjoyed when my beloved was with us- her infectious laughter and positivity, watching her bring happiness to people she helped emotionally and financially, the fun impetuous things we used to do - like going to a "P" party dressed as a Pimp (me) and her as a Prostitute bringing the bar to a standstill...35 years together, 3 days short of 30 years married. I live in a state of emotional limbo, a state of necessity-enforced emotional uncertainty, with plenty of time alone while our girls are at work and school respectively during the week. Time to appreciate all we shared in our 35 years. And to try to come to terms with the emptiness..

Hi Jen, I've lost count of the number of times in the last 14 months when I've felt exactly the same. Staying awake til early morning because the release of sleep never arrives..falling asleep only to wake up 2 hours later..the cycle repeating night after night. In the daytime I would visit my beloved's grave and just sit there and talk to her..on her birthday in February we visited her with a birthday cake and...on Mother's Day... Night time has always been the most difficult part of the day and still is. But I now just lie in bed and reminisce, reading and re-reading the paperbacks she stacked up on her side of our bedroom which has remained unchanged since she was hospitalised. I just cannot bring myself to change anything..the pain, the emptiness, at times the hatred against the injustice of it all...in time, maybe. I'm in no hurry..

I too hate getting my photo taken, as did my beloved, which is regrettable as we don't have too many photos of us, except for our wedding photos which now hold pride of place in the house. Most of us have some idea of what we look like - until we see ourselves in photos, then all sorts of self-conscious awareness and doubt creep in! We all look how we feel...and we all tend to be too critical of things which are not that important, although the young ones populating Facebook and other social media would beg to differ!! My avatar selfie was an unintentional snap taken on the day my beloved departed when I was fidgeting with my phone with a lot of visitors arriving at 8:am to pay their respects and to comfort us. The dark glasses did a great job of hiding the tears and what must have been the haunted look from lack of sleep over 2 days..

My daughters love the recipes I've borrowed from youtube. Our dinners are now a nightly lucky dip as to which recipe I cook - and more importantly how it turns out Fortunately, we've only had a couple of mishaps but the fun of not knowing what they're getting for dinner is anightly source of amusement for our household now..

My sentiments entirely. When my wife and our daughters would travel to Aussie or Hawaii or LV for the young one's dance comps, the novelty of being home and doing my own thing wears off after a day or two, coming home to a clean tidy house where I'd find myself using the same utensils which I would wash up and dry after each use, morning and night. A clean tidy house is one thing: a messy house with clothes and other unmentionables scattered throughout is a home to me. But I fully understand the need to show potential buyers thru an "orderly" home...

Could not have expressed it any more vividly. Words just don't quite feel adequate at times..you seems to have a lot of inner strength..be staunch.

Hi Linda5, I think it's only natural that you didn't feel anything for your first date after 3 years of grieving and missing your soulmate: in fact I would have been very surprised if you felt anything other than an opportunity to socialise and enjoy new companionships, for an initial date. The fact that you noticed his body suggests you might just be ready to go on a few more dates with perhaps other possibilities before allowing nature to take its course. You will always have your memories with your soulmate which no one can touch. If your first date asks you out again, I would accept and just enjoy the companionship: you do not have to make any life-altering decisions right from the start, and if he's the right one for you, he'll understand and exercise patience.

Thank you Mrskro. You lost your soulmate a month before my beloved wife was diagnosed, and so began the most emotionally intense 6 months of our lives as we spent every every minute of every day in the hospital with her, watching a vibrant fit bundle of energy gradually succumb - but it never broke her spirit. Ironic that it was hospital-acquired pneumonia which eventually stole her from us, but the darned cancer had already compromised her immune system. It's nice to meet (and share with) others who have experienced the same emotional rollercoaster brought on by similar circumstances. Warm embrace and hugs back to you...

Thank you Riff and SVS, I'm glad I stumbled through the doors of these forums. I don't know about the other men but I am finding and doing things which I had taken for granted, realising now that I could have done a lot of these tasks for and with my beloved wife. "Little" things like washing and ironing the girls clothes when needed, cooking (THIS is a biggie - thank you youtube!!), running the young one to dance and netball and volleyball and soccer practices, grocery shopping (it always amazed me how my wife can recall instantly the price differences on the same grocery items between supermarkets!!).... In some ways, doing these tasks gives me the sense of "being" her as I walk down familiar aisles, seeing familiar faces who knew my lovely wife as they smile with genuine fondness but with the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. I have happily changed habits of a lifetime to suit our changed circumstances. My 2 sometimes 3 rounds of golf a week is now down to 1 (and I don't miss the other 2) but even then the return from a day of golf to be greeted by my lovely wife ribbing me just not the same any more. Little things, sounds, smells, songs seem to be everywhere constantly reminding me of my soulmate, bringing a smile but also causing tears to well up. I tear up so easily these days (this from a recognised hardnut not known to show emotions). It's as if a protective shell has melted away with my lovely wife's departure... I've always believed that life is for the living, and found it a lot easier to maintain this belief when others lost close ones. I accept it for our life now, but comfortable in the knowledge that there is always the constant presence of the 4th member of our family. My dreaded fear is that mother nature may interfere and make me forget how my beloved looked and sounded. I have reminders everywhere to ensure this does not happen any time soon... Thank you for listening...and good luck to you all.

I'm a newbie here from NZ. Lost my soulmate 20th March 2015 after a short valiant fight against that pernicious disease cancer: diagnosed in October 2014, and she left us 3 days before our 30th wedding anniversary. I'm tearing up as I type this...something which seems to come too easily to me these days. One year on everything is as fresh and as raw as if my love left on 20th March 2016. We have 2 beautiful daughters (26 & 15) who appear to be managing the emptiness in our lives a lot better than their dad. One year on and I have not moved any of my wife's clothes, except to have all her beautiful dresses. coats and jackets dry-cleaned and sealed in plastic bags which hang in our wardrobe. I have kept her mobile phone connected and call her number daily just to hear her voice. There is an emptiness in me which feels all-consuming - our daughters provide the only comfort in seeing my beloved in them. Even the temporary relief of sleep seems a distant dream, with only short bursts of sleep at night interrupting the nightly questioning of Why her? Why my soulmate? Why not me? I had always envisaged us growing old together, and I had often said to her that I hoped I died before her as I would not imagine life without her...now I'm finding out, and it's as painful and as empty as I had dreaded. An only child, I was used to being alone, growing up alone made me tough and confident. And then I met my soulmate and realised the joy and someone sharing her life with me... there was so much I took for granted, including never contemplating death. The temporary relief that she was no longer in any discomfort when she left us was quickly replaced by the finality of it all, and the questioning of whether we did enough, could or should we have done more... Our daughters are my life now, and I am happily doing things for them to make up for mum's absence which I find very helpful. I see sadness in their eyes in moments of unguarded reflection and it cuts me up. But they do their best not to reveal their hurt to me out of concern for a heart-broken dad... I plan for a future when I can join mum after our young one has graduated from university. I don't even see any new relationship in my life in the future. Setting our lovely daughters on their path through life is all that's left for me to complete - I can hardly wait to join my soulmate.