CBB

I so wish I had more courage too! Cyndi

I can relate to the health issues. I have had Lupus and Arthritis for 17 years now. I was ill when my husband and I got married and didn't have to work. I had left my former job 5 years prior because I just couldn't do it and my health was going downhill. Well, now he is gone , along with health insurance , and we all know how grief takes it's toll. I couldn't qualify for Disability because of work credits running out and couldn't get widow benefits because I am not 50 yet. So the saga continues. Or I keel over, whichever comes first. Cyndi

Colon Cancer. My husband Chuck Died on May 10, 2013. It all began rather innocently enough. That day he went to work at his usual time. It was about mid October. We would talk or text often but that morning I didn't get a reply. I thought "how strange". A few hours later he walks back thru the front door . I took one look at him and he was gray colored and was complaining he didn't feel well. So I threw on my shoes and out the door to the ER. We live in a rather rural area and the hospital is small but when you are in a pinch , it was the best option. We go thru all the formalities and the doctor examines him and says "well I think you just have some indigestion". My response is ooooooooookay..He is handed a script for Prilosec and sent home. After the weekend, my husband returned back to work. He still didn't feel 100% but he never missed a days work so he soldiered on.. Halloween came and went. He had bouts of just overall fatigue and then starting having bleeding. I took him back in to the docs and this time we were told it was impacted bowels and written a script for stool softeners an sent home with an enema.. About a week or so later he started complaining of lower stomach pains again and wasn't keeping food down. This coming from a man that was always a good eater! I took him back to the doctors and said we are not leaving here till you figure this out! Something is very , very wrong! The doctor again assured me that it was the same thing, nothing different! He did have an x ray there and we were told he was just backed up. At this point I am really pissed off and quickly dismissed by these damn doctors who think they know everything.. Thanksgiving. We went to the Outlaws and tried to enjoy it but on the way home he asked me to stop the car. He got out and emptied everything he had eaten.. By this point, he wasn't even keeping water down. We went back to the ER and this time he said he was constipated and again sent us home with an enema..(I would so love to use those up on some certain arrogant doctors). At this point, I had gotten online and was researching anything I could find to see if I could figure this out. Everything I looked at was telling me what I didn't want to know, but deep down I knew already. I made one more appointment with our primary and this time I said I want him to get a scan and we need to concentrate on his bowel area. Something is wrong! The doctor orders a scan but we can't get in until Jan. 18th. My poor husband was miserable for those three weeks. Sleepless nights and pain so severe he barely slept at all. He continued to work right up until the 18th. We go for the scan. We check into the hospital and we receive this order from our primary doc. It tells all his information and in the diagnosis box it reads. Possible Colon Cancer with metastases. I think time just stood still in that moment. Our doctor never even mentioned his suspicion to us. We get the scan and are told to follow up with our primary. I get a call from the doctors that afternoon and we are told to come into the office immediately. We go in and are then told he has 9 feet of impacted bowel and that it is colon cancer. We are immediately sent to a specialist in the same day . We are told he is critically ill and will need surgery immediately to save his life today. If it burst he is likely to die. This doctor was brutally honest and told my husband when he was asked "how long do I have doc?" He said at the most 10 months. I felt like someone had punched me in the guts and remember the room just got so small. My husband , being the eternal optimist said: "I am gonna beat it!" We go home and pack , check into the hospital and surgery is performed. (colonoscopy). Surgery went as well as could be expected. He was still struggling to keep foods down but they gave him anti nausea meds and it helped a little and after 8 days we go home. Second phase of the nightmare begins. I became my husbands full time care taker at that point. He couldn't change his bag or even stand to look at his body. I helped him bath, ran for meds and took care of everything at that point. Next course of action was to put in a port for the chemo but he needed to heal up from the surgery first before we could. March 1. Placement of Port. First round of chemo March 10th. He didn't tolerate the chemo at all. It caused him to get very weak and still couldn't eat or keep it down. Dehydration. We were back in for intravenous fluids within days. His pain was increasing rapidly and his weight was plummeting. He was 6 foot and usually weighed between 180 and 190 but now he was down about 40 pounds. We kept trying to get his pain and everything else under control.. Second round of chemo. Worse than the first. The pain was unbearable and in one day I had made 5 trips to the cancer center for pain meds to get it under control. He would lay on the floor on an air mattress and just moan in pain.. I thought I would lose my mind! I looked like Sally fields in steel magnolias at the cancer center and refused to leave until I got something that was going to kill his pain! I was taking no prisoners either! At this point we were told the cancer had spread to his liver and lungs and bone and brain. The next month was spent trying to regulate everything and nothing was working.. Finally after much trial and error we thought we were seeing some light , the pain was a little more manageable but we talked and he didn't want to go thru another round of chemo. I had to let him make that decision and personally I know he made the right choice. He never did fully bounce back from the two rounds. We got 4 weeks of managing pain and him being able to tell me all the things he wanted to say and we planned for his death. He got all his affairs in order that he could remember.(there were some he didn't ) and he got to spend quality time with his parents and his brothers and children. His Birthday was on May 3rd. I had a small party for him. Family came and we tried to enjoy it as best we could. He was really weak and tired and very frail. He was about 100 pounds at this point. Just a horrible thing to watch the person you love go thru. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The last week he fluctuated between semi consciousness. I would change him and bath him.. and every night lay next to him with my arm on his chest so I could tell if he was having trouble breathing. The last thing we got to say each other was "I love you". The last day was so hard. I knew it wasn't long and told the family to come by to say their goodbyes. They all did. Late that night ..I got up for something to drink . It was 1:18 in the morning. I had only left the room for a moment and when I walked back in he was gone. I stayed with him right up till the very last moment . I helped get him ready for the funeral home, watched them zip him up , and walked him out. Some things you just never will forget. Till death do you part. I had his memorial on our 4th wedding anniversary May 18, 2013. That day is still a blur to me. It was 3 and half months from the diagnosis till he passed away. It feels like it was someone else's life at times to me. I didn't think I would survive this long without him. I thought also this would be the worst thing I would ever have to go thru in my life. I was wrong again. I lost my son this past Oct.14 to suicide. At 28 years old. I am coming up on 5 months , 22 months since I lost my husband. The past two years have been the worst ever. Some days it is brutal. I am struggling to make sense of it all. Some days all I can do is lay in bed and want to disappear. Sorry I got so winded in this post. I hadn't been posting a lot on the boards. I had been reading and lurking in the background. Finally, today I felt the need to just share with everyone and maybe this will give me some healing in my heart. God knows I sure could use it . Thanks for listening. Cyndi

I am so glad you are feeling a positive shift in all of this. It isn't an easy road to travel. Yesterday was 22 months out and I haven't had that "moment" yet but I have hope and I keep on trying. I can't wait for the day I start using a calendar for months in the year instead of some dreaded milestones. What is that about anyways? ??? Cyndi

That gave me a chuckle.. I'll be easy to spot! 8)

This post made me chuckle out loud Jen. Congrats on the progress! I could relate to the two tone look. I am sporting a three tone as I type here. I was just starting to get back into "my groove" when I was thrown another *hit sandwich . Its been one hell of a bad ride and my appearance is hideous at the moment! I am looking forward to that day when I rid myself of this so not good look! I don't think gray on top of brown with blonde ends is gonna be a trend any time soon . This post gives me hope! Baby steps..I can do this, right? Cyndi

I hope everything goes as well as it can for you today. Just know we are here if you need to talk or vent or need anything. I am not sure what an inquest is or entails , but wanted you to know we care. Cyndi

I will start us out slowly..I woke up this morning That's all I got . 22 months today and I feel stuck again. :'(